Short Fiction · Chapters

Chapters explained

Chapter companions for Short Fiction by O. Henry.

Chapter 1
Lord Oakhurst’s Curse
The chapter introduces Lord Oakhurst's curse, a mysterious and ominous force that affects the characters and events in the story, setting the stage for themes of deception and consequence.
Chapter 2
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 3
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 4
III: The Curse
Sir Everhard FitzArmond is attacked by Lord Oakhurst's pack of curs as he leaves Oakhurst Castle, prompting him to utter a terrible curse before fleeing in his carriage.
Chapter 5
Bexar Scrip No. 2692
The chapter describes the General Land Office in Austin, Texas, and the history of Bexar Scrip No. 2692, a missing land file. It follows the land agent Sharp, who discovers a fatal defect in the title of a widow's land and files a new claim. He later finds the missing certificate that would invalidate his claim, but is caught by the widow's son, Edward Harris. In a violent struggle, Sharp kills Harris and hides the body, then later returns to remove evidence.
Chapter 6
Queries and Answers
A humorous collection of fictional newspaper queries and answers, offering witty, ironic, and satirical responses to a variety of questions about investments, literature, geography, grammar, law, and local Texas life.
Chapter 7
Aristocracy Versus Hash
A hungry, homeless representative from Soapstone County recounts his failed attempts to find affordable boarding in Austin, where aristocratic landladies—widows of governors, generals, and other high-born figures—charge exorbitant rates for the privilege of their society. He longs for a humble, low-down boarding house with simple, hearty food at fair prices. The snake reporter sympathizes but can offer no solution, and they end up at a saloon.
Chapter 8
Fickle Fortune or How Gladys Hustled
A satirical tale of love, fortune, and betrayal. Bertram D. Snooper, a poor lawyer, loses his suit for Gladys Vavasour-Smith's hand. After a fifteen-year interval, he returns wealthy as the heir to the Tom Bean estate, only to be foiled by Henry R. Grasty, who holds the administrator's papers. Gladys switches her affections to Grasty, and Snooper ends up in a saloon.
Chapter 9
A Strange Story
In Austin, John Smothers disappears one night while fetching medicine for his daughter's colic. His daughter later marries John Smith and has a daughter named Pansy. Years later, on the anniversary of the disappearance, Pansy falls ill with the same ailment. John Smith offers to get medicine, but his wife forbids him. Suddenly, an aged John Smothers returns with medicine, explaining he was delayed by a streetcar.
Chapter 10
The Great French Detective, in Austin
A political intrigue unfolds in Austin involving a French detective and a successful scheme.
Chapter 11
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 12
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 13
III
John Pescud recounts to the narrator how he met and pursued his future wife, Jessie Allyn, after seeing her on a train. He followed her to her family's dilapidated but grand Virginia estate, won over her proud father Colonel Allyn with his honesty and humor, and eventually secured a place at Elmcroft.
Chapter 14
Tracked to Doom
A parody of detective fiction set in Paris, featuring the detective Tictocq tracking the murderer Gray Wolf through a cellar crime scene, a duchess's salon, and a cathedral spire, ending with a twist where identities are swapped and the murderer remains undiscovered.
Chapter 15
A Snapshot at the President
A reporter from The Rolling Stone in Austin, Texas, is sent to Washington, D.C., to interview President Cleveland. After a series of comedic misunderstandings—including being mistaken for a dynamiter due to his wooden 'rolling stone' emblem—he finally secures an interview. The President, initially alarmed, relaxes and engages in a humorous, disjointed conversation about Texas, politics, and personal trivia. The reporter loses his return ticket and must walk home, but the interview is completed.
Chapter 16
Three Paragraphs
A dying woman's feverish ramblings are transcribed by a humorist who desperately tries to fill a column of humorous copy, but her final moments reveal the tragic cost of his work.
Chapter 17
A Lunar Episode
A surreal scene on the moon depicts a violent struggle between two men on a precipice, ending with one hurling the other toward Earth. The Man in the Moon casually remarks that this is the third such incident that week, implying the combatants are persistent New York interviewers.
Chapter 18
The Sensitive Colonel Jay
A stranger waiting peacefully on a hotel porch is suddenly shot at by a tall man who mistakes his pipe-tapping for an insult. The shooter, Colonel Jay, apologizes profusely and invites the stranger for a drink to make amends.
Chapter 19
The Distraction of Grief
A pastor visits a young widow to discuss funeral arrangements for her recently deceased husband. Deeply absorbed in her grief, she mishears his question about a funeral sermon and instead responds about the color red harmonizing with black, revealing her distracted state of mind.
Chapter 20
A Sporting Interest
After a workplace accident kills a man, his coworkers send Mike to break the news to the young widow. She asks if it was 'spontaneous combustion or snakes,' revealing she had bet on whisky, and expresses disappointment at losing her bet.
Chapter 21
Had a Use for It
A man brings a lengthy handwritten refutation of the President's message to a Texas newspaper editor, who, desperate for content to fill his pages, accepts it and then has his staff erase the text to reuse the paper.
Chapter 22
The Old Landmark
An old man returns to his hometown after twenty years, only to find it transformed into a modern city. Desperate for a familiar sight from his youth, he joyfully discovers one unchanged relic—a garbage pile—and dies peacefully upon it.
Chapter 23
Getting at the Facts
A night editor, preparing for his shift, receives a poem from a young lady. He misinterprets the poem as a news report of a fatal accident and attempts to rewrite it as a news item, much to the poetess's indignation. She retrieves her manuscript and leaves in anger.
Chapter 24
Too Wise
A man in Houston, who prides himself on being shrewd and detecting frauds, dismisses a shady-looking man offering a diamond ring for a dollar, believing it to be a con. He later discovers his wife lost her real solitaire diamond ring that day, and the offer was genuine.
Chapter 25
Answers to Inquiries
A brief, humorous exchange in which a young schoolboy attempts to ask an arithmetic question about grocery prices, only to be cut off and redirected to the advertising manager.
Chapter 26
Hush Money
A man known for his practical jokes tells a friend that an alderman has been taking hush money, leading to a rumor that spreads through town. When the alderman confronts him and gives him two black eyes, the man is forced to explain that he actually saw the alderman's wife give him a dime to buy paregoric for the baby.
Chapter 27
Relieved
A wealthy Houston capitalist, living frugally on eleven dollars a week despite his fortune, is confronted by a desperate man who threatens him with a package he claims contains dynamite. The capitalist is terrified until he learns the package is not a gold brick, at which point he sighs with relief.
Chapter 28
A Villainous Trick
The chapter describes a theatrical performance of 'Monbars' in Houston, where the actor playing the villain exploits a stage convention—the reading aloud of a letter being written—to eavesdrop and gain information for his own nefarious purposes, much to the dismay of the lead actor, Mr. Mantell.
Chapter 29
Book Reviews
A satirical review of Noah Webster's dictionary and the Houston City Directory, praising their alphabetical arrangement and wholesome content with exaggerated, ironic admiration.
Chapter 30
A Conditional Pardon
A newlywed couple returns to seek forgiveness from the bride's father, who instead demands financial compensation for her upkeep. The chapter also includes humorous commentary on pension claims and proverbial wisdom.
Chapter 31
Bill Nye
A tribute to the late humorist Bill Nye, celebrating his unique American humor characterized by sharp contrasts, kindliness, and harmless wit. The chapter reflects on his understanding of human nature, his ability to illuminate life with laughter, and his legacy as a humanitarian whose work brought joy rather than pain.
Chapter 32
A Guarded Secret
The narrator defends women's ability to keep secrets, arguing that the joke that women cannot keep secrets is false and ungrateful. He contrasts women's loyalty and discretion with men's tendency to babble, citing Adam as the original blabbermouth. The chapter praises women for hiding their husbands' faults and keeping silent about matters that affect those they love.
Chapter 33
A Universal Favorite
This chapter introduces Miss Annie Williams of Philadelphia, the most popular and beloved young lady in the United States, whose portrait is more widely sought than that of any famous beauty or notable figure. Despite her modest and retiring nature, her profile served as the model for the head of Liberty on the silver dollar, and her upcoming marriage is not expected to diminish the public's desire for her image.
Chapter 34
Willing to Compromise
A man with a red tie enters a bar and attempts to solicit donations for a silver service for the battleship Texas and for Cuban patriots, but the bartender deflects his requests with sarcastic offers of tainted drinks before asking him to leave when a church member approaches.
Chapter 35
Ridiculous
A short, humorous editorial note recounts a nonsensical riddle left at the office by a young man who fled immediately. The riddle compares the coming Sunday to a very young body because 'it's neck's weak,' which the editor dismisses as absurd, noting that days cannot have necks. The piece serves as a critique of the trivial and foolish submissions received by the paper.
Chapter 36
Guessed Everything Else
A persistent peddler with a long nose attempts to sell various household goods to a woman who repeatedly tries to tell him that her family has smallpox. He misinterprets her interruptions and continues his sales pitch until she finally blurts out the truth, causing him to flee in panic just as a man arrives to nail a yellow quarantine flag on the house.
Chapter 37
A Slight Mistake
A man posing as a poet tries to sell a spring poem to a newspaper, but the business manager dismisses him as a time-waster. After being insulted, the man reveals he is actually a wealthy advertiser for a sarsaparilla firm, and he takes his business elsewhere. The manager's subsequent caution leads him to listen patiently to all amateur poets.
Chapter 38
A Good Story Spoiled
In a tough saloon, a drunken desperado orders everyone to drink. One small, determined man initially declines but then calmly approaches and accepts, spoiling a potential newspaper story.
Chapter 39
Revenge
The chapter presents a satirical editorial from the Houston Post and a retaliatory piece from the Kyle Star-Vindicator, which uses flowery, overwrought language to describe spring as a form of revenge against criticism.
Chapter 40
No Help for It
A Houston grocer offers his clerk, John, a partnership in the business as a cost-cutting measure, but John anxiously declines, citing his youth and family responsibilities. The grocer insists, revealing the ironic twist that the promotion is actually a burden rather than a reward.
Chapter 41
Not So Much a Tam Fool
A man attempts to return a dozen extra eggs he received by mistake, but the grocer, suspicious of a con, insists on giving him more eggs to avoid being cheated later.
Chapter 42
A Guess-Proof Mystery Story
The chapter presents a satirical take on the popular trend of guess-contest mystery stories, offering a synopsis that challenges readers to guess the ending for a cash prize, with the claim that it is easy to write an unguessable mystery.
Chapter 43
Chapter I
Judge Smith, a respected citizen of Plunkville, is found murdered in his bed under bizarre and excessive circumstances, with multiple fatal wounds and strange clues left at the scene. The coroner's verdict is suicide.
Chapter 44
Chapter II
The judge's daughter Mabel, aged eighteen, is beautiful and inherits his life insurance of $100,000. She had threatened him with a revolver and axe the night before his murder. Her fiancé Charlie is seen fleeing the scene with a bloody razor and shotgun, leading to social ostracism. A tramp confesses on his deathbed, and at the funeral the judge's brother Colonel Smith admits to killing him for his watch. Mabel hires a detective from Chicago.
Chapter 45
Chapter III
A mysterious lady in mourning arrives in Plunkville, registering as Jane Bumgartner. A Chinaman is arrested for the judge's murder despite his denial. The lady faints upon smelling Charlie's cigarette smoke. Mabel breaks off with Charlie and becomes engaged to the Chinaman.
Chapter 46
Chapter IV
During the trial of a Chinaman for murder, Jane Bumgartner testifies that she witnessed the detective murder Judge Smith at the behest of the minister who conducted the funeral, and reveals that Mabel is Charlie's stepmother. The Chinaman is about to confess when footsteps are heard approaching. The narrator hints that the final chapter will have an unexpected ending.
Chapter 47
Chapter V
Thomas R. Hefflebomer arrives and confesses to murdering the judge during a fit of mental aberration. Mabel later marries a man named Tompkins, whom she met two years later at Hot Springs.
Chapter 48
An Inspiration
A reporter encounters a shabbily dressed man sitting on a box in the rain, assumes he is a tramp, and offers him charity. The man reveals he actually owns the nearby buildings and is worried about costly repairs. The reporter jokingly suggests raising rents to compensate for the extra space created by bulging walls, which the man enthusiastically adopts.
Chapter 49
Coming to Him
A man obsessed with the latest scientific discoveries and health warnings harasses a friend on the street, bombarding him with dire facts about microbes, nail-biting, water bacteria, and chlorine gas, until the friend escapes. Shortly after, the alarmist himself is knocked down by a wagon while reading about a new filter.
Chapter 50
His Pension
A member of Hood's brigade tells a joke to a Post's representative about a man in Indiana who applied for a pension after having his 'retreat cut off' at the Battle of Gettysburg, playing on the double meaning of the phrase.
Chapter 51
The Winner
Three old cronies, after a performance, go to a saloon and begin telling tall tales over drinks. The judge proposes a lying contest for a mint julep, and the colonel starts a story that is quickly interrupted as too improbable.
Chapter 52
Hungry Henry's Ruse
A con artist posing as a state agent uses a series of fake product pitches to gain entry to a home, then reveals his true intent by demanding supper under threat.
Chapter 53
One Consolation
After breakfast, Adam leaves for his daily work of labeling animal cages. Eve speaks privately to the parrot, recounting how Adam complained about the biscuits she made, and she retorted that at least his mother never made better ones.
Chapter 54
An Unsuccessful Experiment
An old colored preacher in Texas attempts to emulate the fiery preaching style of Rev. Sam Jones, but his harsh accusations against members of his congregation lead to a physical brawl instead of spiritual awakening.
Chapter 55
Even Worse
Two men in Houston struggle through a rainy, muddy night, exchanging a darkly humorous remark about their miserable conditions, comparing them unfavorably to hell.
Chapter 56
The Shock
A pale, shaken man stumbles into a Houston drug store and is given several doses of whisky by the clerk to recover from a shock. He explains that he had playfully dangled a toy spider in front of a red-faced man, only to discover that the man is his landlord, to whom he owes back rent and who holds a mortgage on his cow. The realization of his mistake causes him great distress.
Chapter 57
The Cynic
A brief dialogue between a Junior and Senior Partner reveals a business transaction where a firm sends an extra $50 to cover a pricing error, prompting the Senior Partner to insist on shipping C.O.D. The chapter then shifts to a series of ironic, personified statements from various objects and entities, each commenting on their own progress or lack thereof.
Chapter 58
Speaking of Big Winds
A traveler with a bronzed face and distinguished air regales a group of men at the Lamlor with tales of South American wind storms and the intelligence of wild cattle. A Topeka flour drummer counters with a tall tale about a Kansas real estate agent named Bob Long who is swept up by a cyclone mid-sentence and returns years later to finish his pitch, illustrating the exaggerated nature of cyclone stories.
Chapter 59
An Original Idea
A woman in Houston, known for her original ideas, sets up a home bar to keep her husband from going to saloons. Her husband, Robert, initially stunned, plays along and drinks heavily, leading to a drunken confrontation where he breaks things and she subdues him with a potato masher, leaving her to ponder her next original idea.
Chapter 60
Calculations
A long-haired temperance advocate approaches a red-nosed man at the Grand Central Depot, attempting to persuade him with a financial calculation about the cost of drinking. The red-nosed man, a self-proclaimed calculator, responds with a threat of violence, causing the temperance man to retreat and target another passerby.
Chapter 61
A Valedictory
The narrator, writing as the 'Some Postscripts' columnist for the Post, laments that his creative vein has run dry after being exposed by a Brenham Press brother. He reflects on the fleeting nature of his brilliance and the difficulty of sustaining a long-lasting literary light, warning future true Messiahs to seek refuge in Brenham from unappreciative critics.
Chapter 62
Solemn Thoughts
A group of traveling salesmen from different cities gather on a spring night in a Southern town, sharing stories and a growing sense of homesickness. Their sentimental reflections on home and family are interrupted when one man reveals his melancholy musings were a sales pitch for accident insurance, causing the others to leave in disgust.
Chapter 63
Explaining It
A brief anecdote about a Texas legislator at a chrysanthemum show who, when asked if he was in the House during the last session, quips that he was in the House but the Senate had him for about forty-five dollars when they adjourned, playing on the dual meaning of 'House' as both the legislative chamber and a gambling establishment.
Chapter 64
Her Failing
Two Houston girls on bicycles encounter a fluffy girl riding in a buggy with a young man. After she passes, one girl criticizes her as 'too effeminate,' revealing a subtle commentary on gender expectations and social judgment.
Chapter 65
A Disagreement
A Houston citizen complains about Mr. Bergman, the opera house manager, who refused to give him a half-price ticket despite the man's deafness in one ear, instead insisting he should pay double because it would take him twice as long to hear the performance.
Chapter 66
An Expensive Veracity
A Houston man, inspired by Sam Jones's sermons against lying, resolves to tell the absolute truth. His blunt honesty at breakfast offends his wife, and his harsh comment to his wealthy aunt costs him an $8,000 inheritance.
Chapter 67
Grounds for Uneasiness
Professor Sousa is invited to dine with a wealthy but stingy Houston citizen. After dinner, he plays classical piano pieces, but his host becomes restless and asks for livelier music because a wood-sawing worker in the back yard has been keeping time to the slow tempo, costing the host money.
Chapter 68
Recognition
A woman returns home confidently after securing a job as a female impersonator, celebrating the world's recognition of women as equals to men, while her husband anxiously prepares supper.
Chapter 69
His Doubt
A young married couple in a modest home discuss financial responsibility and the future, with the wife speaking sentimentally about their new baby and the husband misinterpreting her words as a desire to buy a piano on credit.
Chapter 70
A Cheering Thought
A man, feeling guilty after hearing a sermon by Sam Jones, attempts to confess his sins and turn himself in at a police station. The officer reassures him that the sermon likely targeted someone else, lifting his spirits and prompting him to go to the racetrack instead.
Chapter 71
What It Was
A couple, George and his unnamed partner, are having an intimate moment on a dark lawn in Houston when the woman reveals that something is coming between them—his watch.
Chapter 72
Identified
A stranger attempts to cash a draft at a Houston bank but is repeatedly asked for identification. After presenting letters, business cards, and even his monogrammed shirt, the cashier remains unsatisfied. Finally, the stranger reveals a mustard plaster on his chest, claiming it proves he is Henry B. Saunders, and the cashier reluctantly pays him.
Chapter 73
Red Conlin's Eloquence
A group of men discuss great orators, but an old cattleman insists none compare to Red Conlin, a natural talker from Texas. He recounts how Red's eloquence saved the day after the men accidentally lynched an innocent man, Sandy McNeagh, and Red was sent to break the news to the widow—only to return announcing his own wedding to her.
Chapter 74
Marvelous
A humorous anecdote about a man known for his clever reasoning who, despite his logical prowess, is forgetful about everyday tasks. His wife ties a string around his finger to remind him to make purchases, but he misinterprets the reminder through a convoluted chain of associations, concluding he needs a sack of flour instead of his actual errand.
Chapter 75
The Stranger's Appeal
A tall, angular man from Massachusetts, dressed like a country preacher, stops in a small Texas town and appeals to a group of men on the post-office porch about the recent brutal burnings of African Americans. After they express no remorse and affirm they will continue such acts if provoked, he reveals his true purpose: to sell them cheap matches, implying a cynical or ironic twist on his moral appeal.
Chapter 76
The Colonel’s Romance
A group of middle-aged men sit around a stove, sharing tobacco and reminiscing about their old homes. The colonel recounts returning to his hometown of Crosstree, Alabama, after fifteen years, where he discovers a long-lost love note in a hollow tree—a note that had been left for him years ago. He reveals that despite the missed message, he and his beloved Nellie eventually married and now have five children.
Chapter 77
A Narrow Escape
A meek-looking man enters a Houston saloon and recounts a past incident where he shot a hole behind the bar, threatening the bartender. The bartender responds with a threat of his own, but the man backs down, claiming his doctor ordered him not to drink, and leaves, suggesting he will feign a fit for free medicine.
Chapter 78
A Years Supply
A wealthy man, moved by a chance encounter with a poor little girl named Susie Tompkins, gives her a package he claims will last her and her mother a year. Upon returning home, the mother unwraps it to find a calendar.
Chapter 79
Slightly Mixed
A Houston racing man enthusiastically discusses his new wife and his prized filly, both named Bessie, leading to humorous confusion as he ambiguously shifts between praising his wife and his horse.
Chapter 80
Knew What Was Needed
A gentleman from Ohio on a hunting trip stops in a Houston saloon late at night. After ordering a drink, he asks the black bartender about local game. The bartender, noticing the man's shotgun, hands him a six-shooter instead and directs him to knock three times on a door upstairs, implying a different kind of 'game' awaits.
Chapter 81
Some Ancient News Notes
A satirical piece presenting fictional 'ancient' newspaper fragments discovered on Mt. Sinai, humorously showing that human nature and sensational journalism have existed for millennia, with biblical figures reimagined as modern news subjects.
Chapter 82
A Sure Method
An editor uses a $20 bill to kill poets who submit poor work, finding it more effective than a gun or club, with the coroner always ruling heart failure.
Chapter 83
A Tragedy
The Caliph of the Indies demands one final tale from Scheherezade, threatening her life if it is a stale joke. She protests that her story is too gross to tell, and after insisting, the Caliph has her executed, revealing that '288' is two gross—a pun he dismisses as unacceptable in his jurisdiction.
Chapter 84
A Houston Romance
A popular young society man in Houston mysteriously disappears, leaving behind his fashionable life and a good bank balance. A year later, a former associate discovers him living as a Franciscan monk in an Alpine monastery, where he has found peace and happiness, finally satisfied with a robe that will not bag at the knees.
Chapter 85
Nothing New Under the Sun
A starving genius, isolated in a freezing attic, experiences a moment of creative triumph as he writes what he believes to be an original masterpiece. After eating bread and cheese wrapped in an old newspaper, he discovers that his 'original' idea had already been published. Overcome by despair, he collapses and is found dead the next morning, clutching the newspaper that reveals the cruel irony of his fate.
Chapter 86
A Matter of Loyalty
Two men converse at Grand Central depot, where one recounts defending his second cousin Tom Achiltree from being called a liar by physically assaulting the accuser. The other man affirms the principle of resenting such imputations, highlighting the theme of familial loyalty over personal pride.
Chapter 87
By Easy Stages
A departed soul from Galveston arrives at the gates of the underworld, insisting on a gradual transition rather than an immediate ascent to Heaven, highlighting a desire for slow, manageable change.
Chapter 88
Taking No Chances
Mark Twain and his manager consider visiting Madagascar based on descriptions from an atlas, but Twain loses interest upon learning about the enormous epyornis bird and its massive eggs.
Chapter 89
The Other Side of It
A man plays a practical joke on his wife by cutting out a small advertisement from the newspaper to test her curiosity. When she obtains a complete copy of the paper, she misinterprets the missing clipping as an attempt to conceal a scandalous item about a gentleman's night out with chorus ladies. She accuses him of leading a double life, but he eventually proves his innocence with witnesses and gifts.
Chapter 90
The Bruised Reed
A popular preacher, satisfied with his fiery sermon condemning vice, is confronted in his study by Creepy Jake, a ragged and wounded man who had guided him through the Tenderloin. Jake reveals that he was thrown out of the preacher's church before the sermon began, and he bitterly quotes the scripture about the bruised reed, challenging the preacher's hypocrisy.
Chapter 91
Journalistically Impossible
A new reporter, trained in a school of journalism, is asked by his editor why he failed to report a suicide as instructed. The reporter explains the impossibility of describing a throat cut 'from ear to ear' when the deceased had only one ear.
Chapter 92
The Power of Reputation
A solemn man in a silk hat enters a San Antonio hotel bar and, due to a case of mistaken identity, is treated as a famous wit by a fat man and the other patrons. His every mundane remark is met with uproarious laughter, and the crowd buys him drinks all night. After he leaves, the fat man reveals the man's true identity as a traveling undertaker's supply salesman, and the duped crowd realizes they have been swindled out of $32.
Chapter 93
A Personal Insult
A young woman in Houston becomes engaged to a famous Texas baseball shortstop, but he breaks the engagement after she gives him a beautifully bound edition of Coleridge's 'The Ancient Mariner' for his birthday. The shortstop, unable to appreciate the literary gift, insults the poem and throws the book out the window, declaring he won't be treated that way.
Chapter 94
Reconciliation
A married couple, Charles and Viola, begin by reconciling after a quarrel, expressing love and promising never to argue again. Their affectionate banter quickly devolves into a bitter fight, with insults and physical violence, ending with Charles fleeing and contemplating suicide.
Chapter 95
Buying a Piano
A Houston lawyer decides to buy his wife a piano for Christmas, but his inquiry attracts relentless piano agents who pursue him everywhere—at his office, on the streetcar, and even at home. His frustration escalates into a physical altercation with his minister, who also tries to pitch a piano, and ends with the family doctor, summoned to treat his injuries, recommending his brother's piano brand.
Chapter 96
Too Late
General Splasher is alerted that Spotted Lightning, a peaceful Kioma chief, has kidnapped his daughter Inez. A cavalry rescue party sets out, but upon arrival they find Inez has already scalped Spotted Lightning, leading the general to collapse in despair.
Chapter 97
A New Microbe
A Houston man, an amateur scientist, skips a church supper to study bayou water under his microscope. After hours of work, he believes he has discovered a new deadly bacterium and plans to name it after his wife. She then reveals that the water he used was actually from a bucket of Galveston oysters she had bought for the supper, deflating his scientific triumph.
Chapter 98
A Story for Men
Mrs. Jessamine, an average but genuine Houston housewife and mother, reads a newspaper article about child cruelty while her children play with dangerous items. She falls asleep and dreams a terrifying nightmare in which she is a child alone in a strange room, accidentally breaking a bottle of corrosive liquid, then playing with matches that set her dress on fire. She wakes in horror, embraces her children, and rushes to tell her friend Mrs. Flutter about the dream.
Chapter 99
Just a Little Damp
A Galveston man falls overboard from a steamer near Aransas Pass, refuses rescue attempts, insists he is walking on the bottom, and ultimately drowns, demonstrating his scorn for any port claiming deep water.
Chapter 100
Her Mysterious Charm
Roland Pendergast confronts Gabrielle Smithers in a conservatory, confessing his perplexing attraction to her despite listing her perceived flaws. Gabrielle reveals her secret: when helping him with his overcoat, she refrains from pulling down his other coat from the collar, a small courtesy that has fascinated many men.
Chapter 101
Why He Hesitated
A man with a haggard countenance enters the editorial offices of the Post and pours out his tale of woe to the literary editor, claiming to be Hezekiah Skinner, whose wife has run off with a neighbor named William Wagstaff. The editor sympathizes and urges him to confront his faithless wife when her voice is heard outside. The man, in a panic, climbs out the window to escape, revealing that he is actually William Wagstaff himself.
Chapter 102
Convinced
A beautiful young woman, frustrated by insincere suitors, consults her plain but practical friend Marian for advice on how to discern genuine admiration. Marian suggests she recite a dramatic poem poorly and observe the reactions. When she does so, all but one man, Mr. Judson, praise her effusively. Judson honestly tells her she has little dramatic talent. The young woman concludes the test is a success—not by valuing Judson's sincerity, but by deciding to pursue acting, convinced she has talent despite the evidence.
Chapter 103
How It Started
A reporter visiting a small town is warned by an old resident about a potential shooting due to a long-standing feud between the editor and the Judkins family. The feud began when a poem written to Miss Judkins was heavily and absurdly edited by various people at the newspaper office, resulting in a nonsensical and insulting version that angered the Judkinses.
Chapter 104
His Dilemma
An elderly man visits a drug store seeking advice on whether to dye his white whiskers to win the affection of a widow, while also fearing being drafted into a potential war due to the Monroe Doctrine. After the clerk reassures him that war is unlikely, he buys the hair dye and resolves to propose to the widow.
Chapter 105
Something for Baby
A poor, thinly dressed girl enters a fancy drygoods store on Main Street during the Christmas season, clutching a dime from her mother. She timidly asks a clerk for something for baby, but when pressed, reveals that baby is no longer with them and she is actually there to buy ten cents' worth of crape, a fabric associated with mourning.
Chapter 106
A Righteous Outburst
A down-on-his-luck man enters a toy shop, feigning grief over his daughter's Christmas wish for a red wagon, but the proprietor exposes him as a repeat con artist who previously claimed a different daughter's name. The man defends himself with a flimsy excuse and a sarcastic blessing.
Chapter 107
A Green Hand
A Houston jeweler recounts to a friend how an inexperienced but honest clerk lost him a customer by actually saving a diamond pin for a married man, who was then forced to buy it as a Christmas present for his wife.
Chapter 108
A Fatal Error
A man recounts a Christmas Day blunder where he accidentally sent a bill payment to his wife and a dismissive note to a merchant, leading him to fear his wife's imminent arrival and take out a life insurance policy.
Chapter 109
The Rake-Off
A man feigns bankruptcy at an auction, using a child's rocking-horse to conceal a roll of bills, which he retrieves after the auctioneer's sympathetic gesture.
Chapter 110
The Telegram
A young lady visits a telegraph office in Houston to send a message about a ring, but struggles with the cost and later returns to request an underscore and violet extract.
Chapter 111
An Opportunity Declined
A farmer encounters a stranger claiming to be an engineer for a new railroad from Columbus, Ohio, to Houston, who attempts to swindle him by offering a false opportunity to sell his land for a depot. The farmer sees through the ruse and instead offers the stranger work chopping wood for a quarter and supper, declining the supposed lucrative deal.
Chapter 112
The Confession of a Murderer
A narrator confesses to killing a mosquito, describing the intense hatred and relief they feel after finally destroying the insect that had tormented them for months. The confession is revealed to be a humorous twist, as the 'murderer' is actually a mosquito.
Chapter 113
A Startling Demonstration
A cautionary tale about the dangers of mind reading, illustrated by a story of a young man in Houston who marries a mind reader. After a period of happiness, she reads his thoughts about another woman and knocks him down the porch steps with a flowerpot.
Chapter 114
Leap Year Advice
A humorous editorial piece offering advice to spinsters on how to take advantage of the 1896 leap year to propose marriage, including a letter from a woman who unsuccessfully proposed to 27 men in 1892 and a satirical guide on how to secure a husband.
Chapter 115
After Supper
Mr. Sharp attempts to compliment his wife on her enduring beauty and charm, but Mrs. Sharp dismisses his romantic overtures by reminding him it is lodge night and advising him not to stay out too late.
Chapter 116
His Only Opportunity
A local politician attends a theatrical performance in Houston, hoping to be called a gentleman by a magician who asks to borrow a hat, as he has not been addressed respectfully in years.
Chapter 117
Correcting a Great Injustice
A recently disclosed medical revelation explains that women over thirty-five wear tall hats at the theater not out of selfishness, but to protect themselves from the painful effects of bright light on their aging skulls. This new understanding calls for pity and respect rather than censure from men.
Chapter 118
Getting Acquainted
A rusty-coated man with a distinguished air visits a new grocer in Houston under the pretense of welcoming him to the community, but the grocer quickly sees through his act and reveals the man's unpaid debt from the previous store owner. The encounter ends with the man insulting the grocer and his family before storming out.
Chapter 119
City Perils
Jeremiah Q. Dilworthy, a Houston resident who promised his wife he would abstain from drinking for a year, breaks his promise and goes out with friends. While walking home on a rainy night, he staggers to the side of the street and suddenly falls into the sidewalk, disappearing from sight before anyone can help.
Chapter 120
Jack the Giant Killer
A little girl visits the editorial office and asks for the story of Jack the Giant Killer. The literary editor, sporting editor, and railroad editor each attempt to tell the story in their own specialized jargon, but none succeed in telling it in a way the child can understand. She leaves with her mother, who promises to tell her the story at home.
Chapter 121
No Time to Lose
A young mother rushes home in a panic after her son Tommy is bitten by a possibly rabid dog, but her immediate concern is ironing a blue skirt before she can go for the doctor, revealing a comedic misalignment of priorities.
Chapter 122
Paderewski's Hair
Colonel Warburton Pollock recounts two tall tales: how Paderewski got his famous hair after being scalped by Nat Goodwin and John L. Sullivan in Africa, and a dangerous encounter with Australian sheep ranchers enraged by a magician's rabbit tricks.
Chapter 123
Binkley's Practical School of Journalism
A ragged man named Binkley recounts to a Post Man how he founded a school of journalism that combined practical training with a real newspaper. After hiring a staff of inexperienced but enthusiastic students, the paper published libelous and scandalous articles, leading to violent retaliation from the public, lawsuits, and the collapse of the venture. Binkley concludes by attacking a former correspondent to satisfy a lingering grudge.
Chapter 124
The Apple
A youth rejects the apple of life in pursuit of success, fame, fortune, power, and knowledge. He climbs a treacherous mountain with a Spirit, ages into an old man, and upon reaching the peak, receives an apple that is rotten and bitter, learning that it was the apple of life all along.
Chapter 125
A Pastel
A tense, moonlit confrontation between a man and a woman outside a brightly lit room. The man pleads desperately with the woman, who initially resists but eventually relents—not out of moral persuasion, but because he refuses to treat her to oysters.
Chapter 126
A Night Errant
The narrator reflects on the mingling of tragedy and comedy in everyday life, observing the hidden nobility and vice among all social classes. On a cold Saturday night, the Post Man visits the sickbed of Crip, a nine-year-old newsboy with a wooden leg, living in a squalid shanty by the bayou. Two intoxicated society men, Old Boy and his friend Bobby, also come to see Crip, moved by a strange compulsion. The chapter contrasts the warmth of domestic peace with the harsh realities of poverty, drunkenness, and human kindness.
Chapter 127
Board and Ancestors
A gaunt, hungry man recounts his frustrating search for affordable boarding in Houston, where every landlady claims high social lineage and charges exorbitant rates for the privilege of their company. He seeks a lowborn, unpretentious establishment that values good food over ancestry, but the snake reporter tells him no such place exists.
Chapter 128
An X-Ray Fable
A man with a Cathode Ray travels the country revealing people's true thoughts for a fee. In a certain town, sweethearts Reuben and Ruth each secretly hire him to discover whom the other truly loves. The man takes X-ray photographs of their heads and later gives them slips of paper showing each other's names, leading to joy. However, he omits that the photographs actually revealed Reuben's deep love for himself and Ruth's passionate self-love, suggesting the proprietor knew his business.
Chapter 129
The Sporting Editor on Culture
A young lady from the Houston Young Ladies' Society of Ethical Culture visits the newspaper office seeking the literary editor, but instead encounters the sporting editor, who misunderstands her mission and offers advice on physical exercise rather than social ethics, leading to her offended departure.
Chapter 130
A Question of Direction
A horrified gentleman from Boston is shocked to learn from a colonel that a man was shot and killed by the presiding officer at a debating society meeting for making a motion considered out of order. The colonel nonchalantly explains that the motion was toward his hip pocket, implying the deceased was reaching for a weapon, and then invites everyone to drink.
Chapter 131
The Prisoner of Zembla
A king, enraged by his daughter Princess Astla's disobedience, announces a tournament where the victor will win her hand. The princess's lover, a poor student, competes and wins, but instead of claiming the princess, he asks the king for a letter endorsing his monkey wrench patent. The king, shocked by the request, falls dead, and the knight rides away without the princess.
Chapter 132
Lucky Either Way
The chapter critiques a grammatical error in a magazine story, using it as a springboard to discuss the realities of marriage. It argues that getting married is easy, but the real challenge lies in the obligations that follow, suggesting that a man is lucky if he can escape with only marrying a woman without the subsequent burdens.
Chapter 133
The "Bad Man"
A seemingly dangerous outlaw terrorizes a Texas town, only to be revealed as a harmless acquaintance of a small, determined drummer who collects an old debt.
Chapter 134
Simmon's Saturday Night
A naive cattleman from Encinal County, Mr. Simmons, arrives in Houston on his first trip out of Texas. He is quickly befriended by a well-dressed stranger, Captain Clancy, who claims to be a railway paymaster. After sharing a meal, they visit a saloon and then a theater, where Clancy attempts to drug Simmons's beer. The plan fails when Simmons accidentally spills the beer, but a woman named Violet drinks it and faints.
Chapter 135
The Wounded Veteran
A group of Northern tourists encounter an elderly Black man with a bandaged arm at a Houston train depot. Assuming he is a wounded Civil War veteran, they collect donations and offer to help him secure a pension. However, the man reveals his injury occurred when his employer's wife threw boiling water at her husband during a drunken argument about the Spanish-American War, and he was scalded while bringing in firewood. The tourists react with disdain at his ignorance.
Chapter 136
Her Ruse
A Houston lady shares a clever trick she used to keep her husband John at home at night. After he forgot his umbrella and returned home, she pretended to mistake him for another man named Tom, causing him to stop his nightly outings out of jealousy.
Chapter 137
Why Conductors Are Morose
A streetcar conductor recounts an incident where a fashionably dressed lady asks to be notified when the car reaches Peas Avenue, but upon arrival, she only uses the stop to teach her little boy the letter 'P' before telling the conductor they will get off at Gray Street instead.
Chapter 138
Led Astray
Kathleen O'Malley, a happy young Irish woman engaged to Fergus O'Hollihan, becomes distressed when she sees Fergus with William K. Meeks, a member of the Young Men's Christian Association. Fergus begins to change, growing morose and pale, and is lured by Meeks into drinking water at the association's hall. Fergus becomes addicted to water, but ultimately breaks free during a meeting, rushes home, and returns to his old self by drinking whiskey, reuniting with Kathleen.
Chapter 139
The Mirage on the Frio
A group of men on a fishing trip along Buffalo Bayou listen as a sheep man recounts a strange experience from 1880 in La Salle County. After being lost overnight, he saw a mirage of his ranch eighteen miles away, showing his wife and child threatened by a Mexican attacker. In desperation, he fired his rifle at the mirage, then raced home to find the attacker dead from a gunshot wound, leaving the mystery unsolved.
Chapter 140
The Legend of San Jacinto
A Post reporter visits the San Jacinto battleground seeking local legends, but instead encounters a hermit who attempts to tell an endlessly nested, recursive story about the legend, passing through generations of tellers. The reporter grows frustrated with the hermit's rambling and eventually flees back to his boat, leaving the actual legend untold.
Chapter 141
In Mezzotint
A successful young doctor returns home late after losing a patient to cerebrospinal meningitis. He recounts to his wife how the patient died of a broken heart after being discarded by a woman. Later, the doctor discovers his wife has died by suicide, having matched the torn concert ticket the patient gave him with its other half, revealing she was the woman who had rejected him.
Chapter 142
Whiskey Did It
A philanthropist at the Market House square observes a small policeman arresting a large negro man. When asked what caused his downfall, the man replies 'whisky,' but explains that it was the policeman who was drunk, not himself, which enabled the officer to arrest him. The philanthropist walks away in disappointment, and the policeman drags the man off.
Chapter 143
How Willie Saved Father
Six-year-old Willie Flint, a beautiful child with long golden curls, lives with his hardworking father and mother in Houston. When his father falls ill after overworking, Willie overhears his parents' worries about money. Determined to help, he goes to one of his father's buildings and raises the rent of an office rented by two young lawyers from ten to twenty dollars. He returns home, tells his father, who blesses him and seems to recover—only to die the next day upon learning which tenants were affected.
Chapter 144
Veriton Villa
Penelope Cook, a Boston schoolteacher engaged for fifteen years to Cyrus, travels to Texas to teach at a private school. She stays with the aristocratic DeVere family, where she encounters a chaotic household: Mrs. DeVere chews tobacco and keeps a mule in the house, and her son Aubrey DeVere, a towering, barefoot, violent man, kills a servant for spilling gravy. Despite his brutality and crude manners, Penelope finds him educated and complex. He later confronts her about a wrong piano note, insults her Northern culture, and suddenly declares his love for her.
Chapter 145
A Mystery of Many Centuries
The chapter reflects on the historical mystery and reverence surrounding women's locomotion, contrasting the romanticized, mysterious past with the modern reality brought about by the bicycle costume. It laments the loss of feminine mystique and the shift toward equality, ending with an old gentleman's wry observation that women on bicycles still move in mysterious ways.
Chapter 146
The Good Boy
A young boy named James tries to defend a lady from rude boys, only to be scolded by the lady herself for his well-meaning but misguided chivalry.
Chapter 147
The Dissipated Jeweler
A detective, Thomas Keeling, is hired by a woman who suspects her husband of infidelity. She orchestrates a plan to catch him with another woman, but the scheme backfires when it is revealed that the woman with the jeweler is actually his wife, and the 'client' is a disguised thief who steals jewelry while they are distracted.
Chapter 148
Sufficient Provocation
Two Houston negroes are brought before a recorder for fighting. One explains that he struck the other with a chair after the latter's vivid description of eating a ripe watermelon caused him to drool into his French harp, stopping the music and embarrassing him before the floor committee.
Chapter 149
The Pint Flask
A prominent Houston colonel, a teetotaler and churchgoer, finds a pint whisky flask on his desk and, in a series of unfortunate events, is forced to carry it in his pocket. The flask cracks in church, leading to gossip and suspicion from his wife and congregation. Desperate to dispose of it, he is caught by a policeman, his children, and finally his minister, whom he strikes with the bottle before being arrested and released after explaining the misunderstanding.
Chapter 150
An Unknown Romance
A chance encounter between a chamois hunter and a peasant girl in the Alps is recalled years later on the wedding day of Pelham Van Winkler and Augusta Vance, both of whom secretly treasure the memory of that meeting and the flowers they exchanged, yet feel bound by social duty to proceed with their arranged marriage.
Chapter 151
How She Got in the Swim
George W. St. Bibbs and his wife Molly live happily in Houston until George's love of fashionable society leads him to attend a high-toned ball without her. Feeling left out, Molly decides to attend the ball herself, dressed magnificently. She becomes the belle of the evening, charming everyone including the Vicomte Carolus de Villiers. George, astonished by her social prowess, feels ashamed and repentant, and promises to include her in future events. The story ends with the couple becoming sought-after society figures.
Chapter 152
An Odd Character
A Post reporter encounters a mysterious tramp on the San Jacinto Street bridge who claims to be highly educated, over two centuries old, and in possession of a magical ring from a Buddhist priest in Benares that grants unlimited wealth and good luck. The tramp speaks eloquently and reads the reporter's profession, but eventually his demeanor shifts to a cringing, incoherent state, and he reveals his secret: he is an opium user.
Chapter 153
The Barber Talks
A barber recounts two anecdotes while shaving a reluctant customer: first, about his brother Bill whose whiskey-laden breath attracted customers and led to a saloon license violation; second, about being called to shave a dead man but accidentally entering the wrong house where a man had taken poison, resulting in a comedic mix-up with a doctor.
Chapter 154
The Sunday Excursionist
A satirical critique of the Sunday excursionist, whose forced jollity and intrusive good nature become a source of misery for fellow passengers, highlighting the vulgarity of manufactured happiness.
Chapter 155
Barbershop Adventure
The Post Man reluctantly endures a harrowing barbershop visit, where the barber tells two tall tales: one about a young woman who mistakes a shave for a kiss, and another about a bald man whose hair miraculously grows after using a tonic—only to reveal the man had a twin.
Chapter 156
Somebody Lied
Two farm hands, an old man and his son, enter a saloon to experience getting drunk for the first time after selling their produce for more than expected. They drink several whiskies but feel terrible, regret their decision, and resolve never to drink again.
Chapter 157
The Lotus and the Cockleburrs
Johnny Atwood, a U.S. Consul in Vibora, orchestrates a scheme to sell shoes by using cockleburrs as a marketing gimmick, ultimately marrying Rosine Hemstetter. His partner Billy Keogh later encounters Pink Dawson, who has shipped a large load of cockleburrs based on a misleading letter, leading to comedic consequences.
Chapter 158
The Proem
The proem introduces the setting of Coralio in the fictional republic of Anchuria, where President Miraflores died by suicide after fleeing with government funds and the American opera singer Isabel Guilbert. Isabel subsequently married Frank Goodwin, an American businessman. The chapter hints at deeper threads behind these events, involving mystery, romance, and the modern adventurers who now populate the coast.
Chapter 159
Fox-in-the-Morning
Goodwin and Keogh receive a coded message from Englehart revealing that President Miraflores has fled the capital with the treasury and the opera singer Isabel Guilbert. They plan to intercept the fugitives before they can escape by sea, playing a game of 'Fox-in-the-Morning' to secure the stolen funds for the incoming Liberal party.
Chapter 160
The Lotus and the Bottle
Consul Willard Geddie, content in the tropical paradise of Coralio, works on his yearly report and contemplates his life away from Ida. He finds a mysterious bottle containing a letter from Ida, but his pride prevents him from reading it. Instead, he proposes to Paula Brannigan and, after accepting her consent, throws the unopened bottle back into the sea.
Chapter 161
Smith
A flamboyant stranger named Smith arrives in Coralio on his yacht, the Rambler, and interacts with the local consul, Willard Geddie, and Dr. Gregg. Smith's visit is brief and mysterious; he vanishes by morning, leaving behind unanswered questions. The chapter also touches on Geddie's recent near-drowning and his decision to resign as consul to join Bernard Brannigan's enterprises.
Chapter 162
Caught
Frank Goodwin confronts Isabel Guilbert and the fugitive President Miraflores in a Coralio inn, demanding the return of stolen treasury funds. After a tense exchange, Miraflores commits suicide, and Goodwin hides the valise of money in an orange tree. The chapter concludes with the aftermath: Miraflores's burial, Goodwin's marriage to Isabel, and the mystery of the missing money.
Chapter 163
Cupid's Exile Number Two
Johnny Atwood, a young Southerner from Dalesburg, Alabama, becomes the new U.S. consul in Coralio after being rejected by Rosine Hemstetter. He befriends Billy Keogh and settles into the leisurely life of the consulate. One evening, they witness a sloop playing 'Home, Sweet Home' on a phonograph, belonging to H.P. Mellinger, a former secretary to the late president of Anchuria. Keogh hints at a story behind Mellinger's graft.
Chapter 164
The Phonograph and the Graft
Billy Keogh recounts how he and Henry Horsecollar helped Homer P. Mellinger, a private secretary in a tropical country, use a phonograph to maintain his honest graft. Mellinger, homesick for New York, uses a musical soirée to expose a conspiracy of local officials plotting a revolution. When the conspirators attempt to seize him, Henry Horsecollar's intervention allows them to escape. Mellinger buys the phonograph, valuing it for saving his position, and plans to return to New York.
Chapter 165
Money Maze
Colonel Emilio Falcon, private secretary to the new president of Anchuria, arrives in Coralio to investigate the disappearance of the treasury money taken by the late President Miraflores. He interviews witnesses, including the barber Estebán and hotel proprietress Madame Timotea Ortiz, but finds no clear leads. Frank Goodwin, a powerful American, is suspected of knowing more. Goodwin and his wife discuss the situation privately, hinting that they possess the money but intend to keep it hidden. Meanwhile, the beachcomber Beelzebub Blythe considers blackmailing Goodwin but decides against it out of gentlemanly loyalty.
Chapter 166
The Admiral
In the republic of Anchuria, a new government under President Losada seeks to replenish its treasury after the previous administration's corruption. During a cabinet meeting enlivened by champagne, Minister of War Don Sabas Placido jokingly revives a dormant constitutional provision to create a navy. As a result, a commission is issued appointing Felipe Carrera, a simple-minded but skilled sailor known as 'El pobrecito loco,' as Flag Admiral. The collector of customs in Coralio delivers the commission and places the captured sloop Estrella del Noche (renamed El Nacional) under his command. Felipe assembles a crew of three Caribs, acquires a makeshift uniform and a flag made by the collector's wife, and assumes his post, though no salaries or orders follow.
Chapter 167
The Flag Paramount
Don Sabas Placido, a fugitive revolutionary leader, attempts to escape Coralio by sea with two officers. They commandeer a sloop under the command of a crazed admiral, who recognizes Sabas as a traitor and steers toward shore to deliver him to execution. A struggle ensues, the admiral is shot dead, and the flag of the defunct navy is taken. Don Sabas, a passionate collector, rejoices in the flag's uniqueness, valuing it above all else, and pins it on the dead admiral before boarding the steamer Salvador.
Chapter 168
The Shamrock and the Palm
On a sweltering night in Coralio, five men gather outside the photography studio of Keogh and Clancy. Clancy recounts his past adventures as a filibuster in Guatemala, where he was tricked into working on a railroad under General De Vega. After months of labor, he escapes to New Orleans and eventually gets revenge by having De Vega arrested for vagrancy and sentenced to hard labor.
Chapter 169
The Remnants of the Code
Beelzebub Blythe, a drunkard and sponger, reaches his lowest point in Coralio after being kicked out of a saloon. Desperate for money to feed his addiction, he attempts to blackmail Frank Goodwin, threatening to reveal that he saw Goodwin take a valise full of money from the late president's arrival. Goodwin instead offers to pay Blythe's debts and give him a thousand dollars on the condition that he leave Coralio on the Ariel steamer that afternoon, with the understanding that Blythe will pretend he was asleep and saw nothing.
Chapter 170
Shoes
Johnny Atwood, the U.S. consul in Coralio, is in a state of lotus-eating despair after fleeing from Rosine Hemstetter. He and Billy Keogh mock a letter from Dalesburg inquiring about opening a shoe store in the tropics, where hardly anyone wears shoes. To their horror, the letter writer, Mr. Hemstetter, arrives in person with his daughter Rosine and a full stock of shoes, having acted on Johnny's sarcastic advice. Johnny realizes he still loves Rosine and must find a way to salvage the situation, leading him to send a cryptic telegram ordering cockleburrs.
Chapter 171
Ships
Johnny Atwood and Billy Keogh execute a scheme to sell shoes in Coralio by secretly planting cockleburrs in the grass, causing a demand for footwear. After a successful run, Johnny confesses to his fiancée Rosine and to Mr. Hemstetter, then repeats the scam in Alazan before resigning as consul and returning to Dalesburg. Keogh takes over as acting consul and begins planning new ventures.
Chapter 172
Masters of Arts
Billy Keogh and Carry White scheme to paint a portrait of the president of a Latin American country for $10,000, with White struggling between his artistic ideals and the commercial nature of the work. After completing the garish painting, White tears up the payment check and destroys the canvas in a fit of artistic conscience. Meanwhile, political unrest erupts in Coralio over rumors of the president selling out to England, but order is restored when the president and the English agent deny any deal.
Chapter 173
Dicky
Dicky Maloney, an Irishman living in Coralio with his devoted wife Pasa, is imprisoned after assaulting the comandante who made advances toward her. Despite his dire situation and lack of money, Dicky remains hopeful upon hearing the arrival of the steamer Catarina, and sends Pasa to fetch the American consul.
Chapter 174
Rouge Et Noir
Political unrest in Anchuria reaches a boiling point as President Losada's unpopular administration faces opposition from the Vesuvius Fruit Company. During the annual presidential procession to Coralio, a silent, disapproving crowd gathers. The Vesuvius Company's steamship arrives, and its representatives, Captain Cronin and Mr. Vincenti, observe the scene. Dicky Maloney, secretly the son of former President Olivarra, reveals his identity, leading to a coup where Losada is overthrown and Ramon Olivarra (Dicky) is acclaimed as the new president, with the backing of the Vesuvius Company.
Chapter 175
Two Recalls
Shorty O'Day recounts his failed mission to capture J. Churchill Wahrfield, who turns out to be the president of Anchuria, leading to his dismissal from the Columbia Detective Agency. The chapter also sets up the return of Smith, now destitute, as the two men share bananas on a New York pier.
Chapter 176
The Vitagraphoscope
This chapter presents a series of disconnected vaudeville-like scenes, including an artist's struggle and a chance encounter, a beach scene in Nice where a woman writes 'Isabel' and a man writes 'Anchuria', and a tropical grave-tending scene. Interspersed is a letter from an insurance company thanking Frank Goodwin for recovering embezzled funds and congratulating him on his marriage to Miss Wahrfield.
Chapter 177
Whistling Dick's Christmas Stocking
Whistling Dick, a tramp known for his musical talent, arrives in New Orleans and encounters a policeman who recognizes him. He later joins a group of tramps who plan to rob a plantation owner on Christmas Eve. Dick refuses to participate in the burglary, but is forced to stay by the leader, Boston Harry. The story explores themes of deception, social class, and the contrast between the tramps' world and the planter's family.
Chapter 178
Georgia's Ruling
The Commissioner, still grieving over the death of little Georgia, is confronted by the land-shark firm of Hamlin and Avery, who seek to exploit a vacancy in the Chiquito River valley. Inspired by the accidental likeness of Georgia's profile formed by the meanders of the river on a survey, he endorses the Elias Denny survey for patenting and issues a landmark ruling that protects actual settlers from speculative land grabs, ensuring peace and security for their homes. The ruling becomes a precedent, and the Commissioner signs it with Georgia's name, honoring her memory and her last wish for the good of others.
Chapter 179
Bulger's Friend
Old Bulger, the town's eccentric and reclusive miser, joins the Salvation Army as a bass drummer. He reveals to the sergeant that a mysterious 'friend' has driven him to ruin, yet he cannot give this friend up. As a severe winter causes widespread suffering, the Army struggles to provide relief. Bulger eventually donates his entire hidden savings of over six hundred dollars to the Army, revealing that his 'friend' was his hoarded money. He asks only that a Christmas tree and a new bass drum be provided.
Chapter 180
A Blackjack Bargainer
Yancey Goree, a disreputable lawyer and broken gambler, has lost everything to the courthouse poker gang and now lives in poverty and alcoholism. The Garveys, a backwoods couple who struck it rich selling their land for mica, buy the old Goree homestead and later approach Goree to purchase his family feud with the Coltranes for two hundred dollars, hoping to gain social status among the mountain quality.
Chapter 181
The Duplicity of Hargraves
Major Talbot and his daughter Miss Lydia are struggling financially in Washington, D.C. They take in a boarder, H. Hopkins Hargraves, a young actor who ingratiates himself with the major by listening to his endless stories of the Old South. Hargraves uses these stories to perfect his stage role as Colonel Calhoun in 'A Magnolia Flower,' a character that is a blatant caricature of Major Talbot. The major is outraged when he sees the play, but later, when the Talbots are desperate for money, a mysterious $300 arrives from 'Uncle Mose,' an old family slave. They accept it gratefully. Later, Miss Lydia receives a letter from Hargraves confessing he sent the money as amends and revealing he played 'Uncle Mose' in disguise.
Chapter 182
The Passing of Black Eagle
The chapter recounts the rise and mysterious disappearance of Black Eagle, a notorious border bandit, beginning with the story of a hobo named Chicken Ruggles who swindles a boy's dollar and rides a freight train south. Chicken ends up stranded near the Rio Grande, where he encounters a horse and eventually joins a gang led by Bud King. The gang's new member, a boastful stranger nicknamed Piggy, adopts the fearsome alias Black Eagle, gaining fame and causing internal dissent as Bud King's leadership is challenged.
Chapter 183
Cherchez La Femme
Reporters Robbins and Dumars revisit the unsolved mystery of Madame Tibault's missing twenty thousand dollars, entrusted to the late Mr. Gaspard Morin. After a fruitless investigation, they attend the auction of the Little Sisters of Samaria's chapel, where Robbins suspects the gold may have been melted into a statue of the Virgin Mary. The two friends end up bidding against each other before forming a syndicate to purchase the statue.
Chapter 184
Friends in San Rosario
A stern bank examiner, J.F.C. Nettlewick, arrives in San Rosario to inspect the First National Bank. The cashier and teller are nervous under his cold, methodical scrutiny. Meanwhile, Major Tom Kingman, president of the bank, receives a plea from his old friend Bob Buckley, president of the Stockmen's National, who is short of cash and asks Tom to delay the examiner until a loan arrives. Tom tells a long, rambling story about loyalty and friendship to stall Nettlewick, then reveals he had the missing securities all along, having taken them from the notes. The examiner leaves baffled, and Tom reads Buckley's note with satisfaction, recalling their old bond.
Chapter 185
The Marionettes
Doctor James, a physician by day and a safe-cracker by night, is called to attend to Mr. Chandler, who has collapsed. He discovers the man's abusive nature and his wife's suffering. After a confrontation, Chandler dies, and Doctor James reveals the safe combination to Mrs. Chandler, having already emptied it of its contents.
Chapter 186
By Courier
A young man, forbidden from speaking or writing to his beloved, employs a streetwise boy as a courier to deliver a final appeal before he departs for an Alaskan expedition. The lady, initially resolute, reveals her accusation of infidelity based on a scene she witnessed in a conservatory. The man sends a letter that explains he was merely aiding a young woman who had fainted, and the lady joyfully recants, sending word that she wants him back.
Chapter 187
Madame Bo-Peep, of the Ranches
Octavia Beaupree, recently widowed and now impoverished after Colonel Beaupree's estate proves worthless, decides to manage her only remaining asset—a Texas sheep ranch called the Rancho de las Sombras. She travels to the ranch and finds it managed by Teddy Westlake, a former society acquaintance who once proposed to her and was rejected. Teddy, now practical and guarded, nicknames her 'Madame Bo-Peep' and keeps an emotional distance. Octavia struggles with her feelings, sensing that Teddy has built a 'barbed-wire fence' around himself, and concludes that he has forgotten their past.
Chapter 188
An Afternoon Miracle
On a sweltering afternoon, Lieutenant Bob Buckley of the Texas Rangers, secretly a physical coward who forces himself into danger, investigates a disturbance caused by Leandro Garcia, who has crossed the border disguised as a woman after being ejected from a saloon. Meanwhile, Alvarita, a snake charmer traveling with her mother, searches for her escaped python Kuku near a creek outside town.
Chapter 189
A Call Loan
Long Bill Longley, a wealthy cattleman turned bank president, faces a crisis when a bank examiner discovers an unsecured $10,000 call loan made to his friend Tom Merwin. Merwin, unable to raise the money through conventional means, plans to rob a train to repay the loan, but Longley stops him. Just in time, Merwin's brother Ed returns from selling cattle, bringing $29,000 that resolves the debt and saves Longley from legal trouble.
Chapter 190
The Struggle of the Outliers
Lawrence Holcombe, a prosperous businessman, repeatedly visits a poor cottage to court Katie Flynn, an Irish beauty, but faces opposition from Danny Conlan, a former middleweight champion who wants Katie for himself. After a brief fistfight in a gully, Holcombe wins and secures Katie's consent to become his cook, revealing his true motive was to hire her for his suburban home.
Chapter 191
A Professional Secret
Dr. Satterfield Prince, a physician to the wealthy, is consulted by Mrs. Galloway Rankin about her daughter Annabel's mysterious affliction. Mrs. Rankin believes the condition is hereditary, stemming from a historic feud between the Beall and Rankin families, causing Annabel's limbs to move in opposition. Dr. Prince, along with hypnotist Professor Adami, treats Annabel. After treatment, Annabel appears cured, but her behavior becomes capricious and inconsistent, leading Dr. Prince to suspect the 'cure' may have merely replaced one set of symptoms with another.
Chapter 192
Cupid à la Carte
Jeff Peters recounts his courtship of Mame Dugan, a waitress who despises men for their constant eating. Through a series of deceptions and a change of scenery, Jeff wins her over by taking her to a fancy restaurant, where she finally sees men's appetites in a new light.
Chapter 193
A Departmental Case
Luke Standifer, the Commissioner of Insurance, Statistics, and History, encounters a faded woman in his office who seeks help from the governor. She is Mrs. Sharp, the daughter of his old friend Amos Colvin, and the wife of the notorious desperado Benton Sharp. After hearing her story of abuse and poverty, Standifer takes matters into his own hands, traveling to San Antonio where he confronts and kills Sharp in a gunfight, claiming self-defense. He then helps Mrs. Sharp secure her husband's life insurance policy.
Chapter 194
Round the Circle
Sam Webber, a sheep rancher, dresses up for a business trip but gets lost in the brush after arguing with his wife Marthy about her reading. Remorseful, he resolves to be kinder and buy her books, only to find he has ridden in a circle back to his own home, where his unchanged attitude reveals his failure to reform.
Chapter 195
The Cactus
Trysdale, standing in his bachelor apartment after a wedding, reflects on his lost love and his own vanity. He recalls how he allowed her to believe he was a Spanish scholar, and how she sent him a cactus as her answer to his proposal. The cactus's name, 'Ventomarme,' means 'Come and take me,' revealing that she had consented, but his pride prevented him from understanding.
Chapter 196
The Renaissance at Charleroi
Grandemont Charles, a Creole gentleman working as a clerk, dreams of reviving his family's former glory. He spends his savings to rent and furnish the ancestral plantation home, Charleroi, for a single grand dinner party, inviting old aristocratic families. The chapter explores his unrequited love for Adèle Fauquier, who demands he find her missing brother Victor, and his elaborate preparations to host a lavish feast that rekindles the past.
Chapter 197
Hearts and Hands
On an eastbound train, a young woman named Miss Fairchild encounters an old acquaintance, Mr. Easton, who is handcuffed to another man. The glum-faced man explains that Easton is a marshal escorting him to prison for counterfeiting. After a brief, awkward conversation, the two men leave for the smoker. A nearby passenger later realizes the truth: the marshal is actually the prisoner, handcuffed to his right hand.
Chapter 198
A Ghost of a Chance
Mrs. Kinsolving is distressed after Mrs. Fischer-Suympkins spreads a story of seeing a ghost carrying a hod in the Kinsolving mansion, which she sees as a malicious slight to the family's social standing. To counter this, Mrs. Bellamy Bellmore, a more prestigious guest, later claims to have seen a ghost fitting the description of a Colonial ancestor, Captain Kinsolving, thereby restoring the family's pride. The chapter explores social climbing, reputation, and the manipulation of appearances.
Chapter 199
Art and the Bronco
Lonny Briscoe, a cowboy artist from the San Saba country, paints a large Western scene that becomes a sensation at the state Capitol. Senator Kinney champions a bill to purchase the painting for two thousand dollars, praising the Briscoe family legacy. After the bill passes the Senate, Lonny and his cowpuncher friends ride into the Capitol, and his horse Hot Tamales tears through the canvas, mistaking the painted steer for a real one. Lonny then renounces the appropriation, declaring the Briscoes do not take gifts from the state, and rides away with his gang, ultimately giving up his art aspirations.
Chapter 200
Hygeia at the Solito
Cricket McGuire, a down-on-his-luck prizefighter and sport, loses his last money betting on a fixed fight and is found coughing on a San Antonio depot platform by cattleman Curtis Raidler. Raidler takes him to his ranch, the Solito, to recover. McGuire initially resents the rustic setting and tries to play the invalid, but a doctor later declares him perfectly healthy. Raidler, discovering the deception, forces McGuire to work with the cowpunchers. The chapter ends with McGuire beginning to adapt to ranch life, though still complaining.
Chapter 201
Sound and Fury
A comedic dialogue between Mr. Penne, a novelist, and his amanuensis Miss Lore, as they work on a romantic serial installment. Miss Lore repeatedly misunderstands or misinterprets Mr. Penne's dictation, leading to humorous corrections and a battle of wits over grammar, plot, and propriety.
Chapter 202
Roads of Destiny
David Mignot, a young poet, leaves his village of Vernoy after a quarrel with Yvonne, seeking fame and fortune in Paris. He sets out on the road, believing it will lead him to his destiny.
Chapter 203
The Left Branch
David Mignot, a shepherd and poet, stumbles into the Silver Flagon inn where the imperious Marquis de Beaupertuys forces him to marry his niece, Lucie de Varennes, after she defied her uncle's arranged marriage. David accepts out of love and a desire to rescue her. The marquis insults Lucie, prompting David to challenge him to a duel. Unskilled with a sword, David agrees to a pistol duel. At the count, both fire; David is shot through the heart and dies, leaving Lucie widowed and forced by the marquis to continue their journey to find another husband.
Chapter 204
The Right Branch
David, a young poet from Vernoy, leaves his village and travels to Paris, where he takes lodging in a dilapidated house on Rue Conti. He encounters a beautiful, mysterious woman on the stairs who charms him and later manipulates him into delivering a letter to the palace under the pretense of helping her dying mother. Unbeknownst to David, the woman is a conspirator plotting against the king, and the letter is part of a treasonous scheme. David is intercepted by loyal guards and brought before the king, where he reveals his humble origins as a shepherd.
Chapter 205
The Main Road
David Mignot, a shepherd and aspiring poet, leaves his wife Yvonne and home in Vernoy after a quarrel, but returns when he realizes his love for her. They marry, but his obsession with poetry leads to neglect of his flock and household, causing strife. The notary Papineau sends him to critic Monsieur Bril, who advises him to live poetry rather than write it. Disheartened, David buys a pistol, burns his poems, and shoots himself.
Chapter 206
The Robe of Peace
Johnny Bellchambers, a famously well-dressed New York socialite, mysteriously disappears. Nearly a year later, his friends Tom Eyres and Lancelot Gilliam discover him living as Brother Ambrose in a remote Swiss monastery, where he has found perfect contentment in a simple robe that never bags at the knees.
Chapter 207
A Retrieved Reformation
Jimmy Valentine, a skilled safecracker, is released from prison and initially returns to his criminal ways. However, after falling in love with Annabel Adams in Elmore, he reinvents himself as Ralph Spencer, a respectable shoe-store owner. When Annabel's niece is accidentally locked in the bank vault, Jimmy reveals his true identity to save her, using his burglar tools. Detective Ben Price, who had been pursuing him, chooses to let him go, recognizing his reformation.
Chapter 208
One Dollar's Worth
District Attorney Bob Littlefield and his fiancée Nancy Derwent go plover shooting, but are ambushed by Mexico Sam, a vengeful ex-convict who has threatened Judge Derwent and Littlefield. Meanwhile, Littlefield is prosecuting Rafael Ortiz for passing a counterfeit dollar, a crime committed to save his lover Joya Treviñas's life. During the ambush, Littlefield recalls Joya's warning and uses a pocketknife to cut the counterfeit dollar, loading it into his gun to fatally wound Mexico Sam.
Chapter 209
While the Auto Waits
A young man and a woman meet in a park at twilight. She presents herself as a wealthy socialite weary of luxury, while he claims to be a lowly restaurant cashier. After their conversation, she leaves and he follows her, discovering that she actually works as a cashier in the restaurant he claimed to work at. He then gets into her waiting automobile and drives away.
Chapter 210
The Guardian of the Accolade
Uncle Bushrod, an elderly Black servant devoted to the Weymouth family, discovers the bank president Mr. Robert Weymouth secretly removing a satchel from the bank vault late at night. Believing Mr. Robert is about to abscond with the bank's funds, Uncle Bushrod follows him to the train station and confronts him, invoking the memory of his late wife Miss Lucy, who had knighted Mr. Robert 'pure and fearless and without reproach.' Through a heartfelt plea, Uncle Bushrod persuades Mr. Robert to return the satchel, upholding the family honor.
Chapter 211
October and June
A young Captain, only nineteen years old, proposes to Theodora Deming, who declines because she believes their age difference is too great. The Captain, who has never seen real combat, accepts her decision and eventually agrees with her reasoning.
Chapter 212
The Marquis and Miss Sally
Two young men, John Bascom and Charles Norwood, arrive at the Diamond-Cross ranch in Texas seeking work. The superintendent hires them, and they are introduced to the camp as 'The Marquis and Miss Sally'—a nickname for the cook. They become close friends, and the cook (Miss Sally) is later offered a promotion to manage ranch accounts. The chapter ends with a campfire scene where a joke is played on Miss Sally, and it is revealed that the cook is actually the son of the Marquis of Borodale, while the other man is the one who was originally called 'Miss Sally'.
Chapter 213
Out of Nazareth
J. Pinkney Bloom, a promoter, accompanies Colonel and Mrs. Blaylock on a steamboat journey, having sold them a lot in the speculative boomtown of Skyland. When the boat stops at Cold Branch instead, Bloom learns the Colonel plans to open a bookstore there with his remaining funds. Feeling a pang of conscience, Bloom secretly buys a house and store in Cold Branch and deeds it to the unsuspecting Colonel, inspired by Mrs. Blaylock's poem about good coming out of Nazareth.
Chapter 214
The Atavism of John Tom Little Bear
Jeff Peters recounts his partnership with John Tom Little Bear, an educated Cherokee Indian, and their scheme to run a medicine show in Kansas. The story explores the tension between John Tom's education and his reversion to tribal instincts, culminating in a violent confrontation when John Tom helps a mother recover her kidnapped son from her abusive husband.
Chapter 215
The Whirligig of Life
Justice Benaja Widdup presides over the divorce of Ransie and Ariela Bilbro, a mountain couple who cannot get along. After a five-dollar fee and a decree, Ariela demands alimony, which Ransie pays. The Justice later recognizes the bill as the one stolen from him the night before. As the couple prepares to part, they reconcile and decide to remarry, paying another five dollars for the ceremony. The Justice pockets the money, reflecting on the cyclical nature of life.
Chapter 216
The Fourth in Salvador
Billy Casparis recounts his disastrous attempt to run an ice factory in Salvador, where he loses a thousand-dollar forfeit after inspectors discover his 'ice' is actually a block of glass. On the Fourth of July, he and fellow American Maximilian Jones, fueled by homesickness and beer, decide to celebrate American Independence Day in Salvador. They are joined by General Mary Esperanza Dingo, who promises to help with a cannon. The celebration escalates into a chaotic skirmish when the President's bodyguard attacks General Dingo's men, and the Americans intervene, ultimately fleeing the country.
Chapter 217
Jimmy Hayes and Muriel
No excerpts provided.
Chapter 218
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 219
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 220
III
John Pescud recounts to the narrator how he met and pursued his future wife, Jessie Allyn, after seeing her on a train. He followed her to her family's dilapidated but grand Virginia estate, won over her proud father Colonel Allyn with his honesty and humor, and eventually secured a place at Elmcroft.
Chapter 221
Tobin's Palm
Tobin and his friend Jawn go to Coney Island to distract Tobin from the disappearance of his sweetheart, Katie Mahorner. Tobin visits a palmist who predicts trouble from a dark man and a light woman, a financial loss, a voyage on water, and good luck from a man with a crooked nose whose name contains the letter 'o'. The predictions begin to come true when Tobin is burned by a Black man's cigar, loses his hat due to a blonde woman, and has his money stolen. Later, they meet a man with a crooked nose named Friedenhausman, who treats them to drinks and invites them to his home, mentioning that his new kitchen maid is Katie Mahorner.
Chapter 222
The Lonesome Road
The narrator meets Deputy-Marshal Buck Caperton, who, instead of telling a tale of adventure, recounts the story of his friend Perry Rountree's transformation after marriage. Perry, once a wild and reckless companion, has become domesticated by his wife Mariana. Buck and Perry spend an afternoon playing checkers in a saloon while a dangerous gang, the Trimble outfit, wreaks havoc outside. Despite the danger, Perry insists on leaving by seven o'clock to return home to his wife, and Buck reluctantly joins him in a reckless dash through the gang to get home on time.
Chapter 223
Confessions of a Humorist
A man recounts his rise as a local humorist, his transition to professional writing, and the toll it takes on his relationships and creativity. After his editor drops him for declining quality, he joyfully reveals he has left humor for a partnership in an undertaking business, reclaiming his natural wit and happiness.
Chapter 224
At Arms with Morpheus
The narrator recounts how his friend Tom Hopkins, a wealthy former medical student, accidentally takes morphine instead of quinine, leading to a dangerous overdose. The narrator and other doctors work to keep Tom awake, and the narrator resorts to provoking him with false accusations about abandoning a Southern sweetheart to keep him conscious. Tom survives, and the next morning, though he remembers little, he thanks the narrator and announces he will telegraph the girl.
Chapter 225
The Princess and the Puma
Ripley Givens, foreman of the Espinosa Ranch, encounters Josefa O'Donnell at a water hole and attempts to rescue her from a Mexican lion, only to have her shoot the lion herself. To salvage his pride, he claims the lion was his pet, 'Bill,' and Josefa later reveals to her father that she killed the notorious 'Gotch-eared Devil.'
Chapter 226
A Chaparral Christmas Gift
The chapter recounts the origin of the Frio Kid, born from jealousy after Rosita McMullen marries Madison Lane on Christmas Day. The Kid disrupts the wedding, kills a sheepman, and becomes a notorious outlaw. Years later, on Christmas Eve, he plots to kill Lane but is shot dead by a terrified Mexican sheepherder while disguised as Santa Claus.
Chapter 227
The Sphinx Apple
A stagecoach traveling from Paradise to Sunrise City is forced to stop due to a heavy snowstorm. The passengers take shelter in the abandoned house of Redruth, a man who became a hermit after a failed romance. To pass the time, Judge Menefee proposes a storytelling contest: each passenger will tell their version of Redruth's love story, and the young woman passenger, Miss Garland, will judge the best tale, awarding a symbolic apple as the prize.
Chapter 228
The Pimienta Pancakes
While laid up with an injured ankle, the narrator asks camp cook Judson Odom for pancakes, prompting Jud to recount his humorous and deceptive rivalry with Jackson Bird over the affections of Miss Willella Learight and the secret recipe for pancakes. The story reveals a series of misunderstandings and a practical joke that ultimately leads to Willella marrying Jackson.
Chapter 229
The Social Triangle
The story follows three men from different social strata—Ikey Snigglefritz, a poor tailor's apprentice; Billy McMahan, a powerful district leader; and Cortlandt Van Duyckink, a wealthy socialite—each of whom seeks validation by shaking the hand of someone they consider superior, forming a social triangle of aspiration and connection.
Chapter 230
The Elusive Tenderloin
The narrator reflects on the elusive nature of New York's Tenderloin district, arguing it is more a concept than a place. His friend Bill Jeremy from the West comes to New York seeking the Tenderloin's reputed sin and excitement, but after a night of searching, he finds only mundane streets, a cab driver offering a euchre party in Brooklyn, and a church collection plate—disappointed that the fabled vice district is nowhere to be found.
Chapter 231
A Chaparral Prince
Lena, an eleven-year-old girl working as a kitchenmaid at the Quarrymen's Hotel, writes a desperate letter to her mother after her only comfort, a book of Grimm's Fairy Tales, is taken away. She threatens to drown herself if not rescued. The mail carrier Fritz Bergmann, who sympathizes with Lena, is waylaid by a band of outlaws led by Hondo Bill. When the outlaws discover the letter's innocent contents, they are moved by Lena's plight and, instead of robbing the mail, tie up Fritz and later release him, allowing the letter to continue its journey.
Chapter 232
The Ferry of Unfulfilment
A man from Nome, Henry Blayden, spots a beautiful girl from Sieber-Mason's department store on a New York street and follows her onto a ferry. He tries to woo her with sincerity and talk of his gold dust wealth, but she is exhausted from lack of sleep and repeatedly mistakes his earnestness for a joke. She falls asleep on his shoulder, and when she wakes, he has disappeared.
Chapter 233
The Pendulum
John Perkins, a man trapped in a monotonous married routine, experiences a sudden emotional upheaval when his wife Katy leaves unexpectedly to visit her sick mother. Left alone, he realizes how much he depends on her and vows to change his neglectful ways. However, when Katy returns shortly after, the routine immediately reasserts itself, and John reverts to his old habit of going out to play pool.
Chapter 234
The Hypotheses of Failure
Lawyer Gooch juggles multiple clients in his office, each presenting hypothetical divorce cases that turn out to be interconnected. A soulful woman (Mrs. Billings) wants to divorce her husband for a literary man; a nervous man (the husband) wants her back; and a breezy man (Jessup) offers to pay for her divorce. Through a series of comedic misdirections and a violent exit, the tangled relationships are exposed, ending with Gooch left bewildered.
Chapter 235
Transformation of Martin Burney
Martin Burney, an Irish laborer working on the Speedway along the Harlem River, is denied tobacco by his tyrannical boss, Dennis Corrigan, after falling into debt. Deprived of his only comfort, Burney grows increasingly desperate and resentful, even contemplating murder. He is approached by Tony, a kitchen worker of Gothic descent, who proposes cutting the mooring ropes of Corrigan's boat while he sleeps. However, when Tony offers Burney a cigar to smoke while they wait, the tobacco instantly transforms Burney's mood and loyalty. He turns on Tony, berating him as a criminal and chasing him away, then sets off for the Bronx to find work, content once more with a pipe in hand.
Chapter 236
A Little Local Colour
The narrator seeks authentic New York local color and is guided by Rivington, a self-proclaimed expert on the city. Their quest leads them to the Bowery, where they encounter a well-spoken young man who debunks the myth of a unique Bowery dialect, revealing it as a literary invention. The chapter satirizes the search for stereotypical urban authenticity.
Chapter 237
A Newspaper Story
A single newspaper, fresh off the press, sets off a chain of serendipitous events throughout the city. It reunites a young couple, causes a carriage accident that leads to a romantic revelation, enables a policeman to receive a bribe, provides a girl with a makeshift silk rustle that boosts her confidence, distracts a labor leader from a strike, and perhaps even protects a schoolboy from corporal punishment.
Chapter 238
A Madison Square Arabian Night
Carson Chalmers, feeling melancholy, invites a homeless man named Sherrard Plumer to dine with him. Plumer, a once-successful portrait painter ruined by his uncanny ability to reveal hidden character in his subjects, shares his story. Chalmers then asks Plumer to sketch a photograph he received, but after Plumer leaves, Chalmers is too disturbed to look at the resulting portrait and calls in another artist for an opinion.
Chapter 239
The Champion of the Weather
Bud Kingsbury, a guide on a hunting trip in the Kiowa Reservation, reveals his ability to identify a New Yorker by their brief weather comment. He recounts his own experience in New York City, where he felt starved for genuine conversation and confronted a cafe manager who made a casual remark about the weather, forcing him to expand the exchange into a full, sociable dialogue.
Chapter 240
On Behalf of the Management
Sully Magoon recounts the story of his friend Denver Galloway, a natural-born manager who has never invested his own money but excels at running other people's enterprises. Denver takes on the role of campaign manager for General Rompiro, a South American presidential candidate in exile, and enlists Sully's help. The chapter explores the nature of management, ambition, and the art of bluff and front.
Chapter 241
The Enchanted Kiss
Samuel Tansey, a timid drugstore clerk secretly in love with his landlady's daughter Katie Peek, is goaded by his friends' taunts into a rebellious night of drinking absinthe. His intoxicated wanderings through San Antonio lead him through surreal, haunted streets where he encounters spectral visions and a mysterious conflict involving Captain Peek and a dwarf. In a moment of courage, Tansey rescues Katie from a carriage, kisses her, but is then overpowered and thrown into an ice chest by the dwarf. He awakens on the steps of a convent, the kiss still vivid in his mind, determined to confront his adversaries.
Chapter 242
The Adventures of Shamrock Jolnes
The narrator recounts a day spent with Shamrock Jolnes, a New York detective who demonstrates his powers of observation and deduction. Jolnes deduces details about acquaintances and strangers, including a man on a streetcar whom he identifies as a Southern gentleman with three daughters (one adopted) returning to Virginia. The chapter highlights Jolnes's methods and a near-failure that he turns into a success.
Chapter 243
After Twenty Years
A policeman on his beat encounters a man waiting in a doorway for a friend he hasn't seen in twenty years. The man, Bob, explains that he and his childhood friend Jimmy Wells made a pact to meet at that spot exactly two decades later. After the policeman leaves, a man claiming to be Jimmy arrives, but Bob soon realizes he is an impostor. The stranger reveals he is a plainclothes officer arresting Bob for a crime in Chicago, and hands him a note from the real Jimmy Wells, who recognized Bob as a wanted man and couldn't bring himself to make the arrest personally.
Chapter 244
The Sparrows in Madison Square
A young aspiring writer arrives in New York City, believing the literary tradition that writing about the sparrows in Madison Square will guarantee a $15 sale to the Sun. After writing an inspired piece, his manuscript is rejected. Bitter and hungry, he throws a branch at the sparrows, killing two, and joins a ragged stranger to roast and eat them. The stranger reveals he too once came to New York with the same sparrow-writing plan, but was robbed of his $15 before he could submit it.
Chapter 245
Lost on Dress Parade
Towers Chandler, a young architect earning $18 per week, saves $1 each week to afford one evening of luxury every ten weeks. On one such evening, dressed as a wealthy clubman, he helps a girl who slips on ice. He invites her to dinner, pretending to be a man of leisure. The girl, 'Miss Marian,' is actually a wealthy young woman disguised as a shopgirl for fun. After dinner, she returns home to her sister, revealing her true identity. Chandler, unaware, returns to his humble room, reflecting on the encounter.
Chapter 246
The Reformation of Calliope
Calliope Catesby, a notorious troublemaker in Quicksand, engages in a violent shootout with the city marshal and his posse. During the chaos, his mother arrives by train, unaware of his criminal reputation. To spare her feelings, Calliope swaps identities with the wounded marshal, Buck Patterson, pretending to be the lawman. Patterson, moved by the mother's love and Calliope's sudden reformation, allows the ruse to continue, appointing Calliope as marshal for as long as his mother stays.
Chapter 247
Witches’ Loaves
Miss Martha Meacham, a lonely baker with a sympathetic heart, takes a special interest in a regular customer she believes to be a poor artist. She secretly inserts butter into his stale bread loaves as a kind gesture, only to discover that he is actually an architectural draftsman who uses stale bread to erase pencil lines from his drawings. Her well-intentioned act ruins his three-month work on a city hall plan, leading to a confrontation.
Chapter 248
New York by Camp Fire Light
Bud Kingsbury, a hunter and guide from the Creek Nation, recounts his experiences in New York City while on a hunting trip. He describes a dinner at the home of old man Sterling, where he politely overlooks Miss Sterling's mistake of serving unsweetened lemonade. He also tells of a New Yorker who came to work on his ranch, constantly talked about New York, and after a near-fatal accident, mistook a vision of heaven for Broadway, quickly recovering and returning to the city.
Chapter 249
The Romance of a Busy Broker
Harvey Maxwell, a frenzied New York broker, is so consumed by his work that he forgets he married his stenographer, Miss Leslie, the previous evening. Amid a chaotic day of trading, he abruptly proposes to her, only to be reminded by her that they are already married.
Chapter 250
A Matter of Mean Elevation
The Alcazar Opera Company's successful tour reaches Macuto, Venezuela, where the singer Mlle. Nina Giraud captivates audiences, including indigenous tribes who pay with gold dust. She mysteriously vanishes before a performance, prompting a frantic search. Meanwhile, trader John Armstrong travels into the mountains, guided by Luis, to trade hardware for gold. In the remote village of Tacuzama, he discovers Mlle. Giraud held captive by the Carabobo Indians, who force her to sing daily. Armstrong rescues her, and they escape with her collected gold dust, blending adventure with a reflection on environment and human emotion.
Chapter 251
The Brief Debut of Tildy
In Bogle's Chop House, a humble Eighth Avenue restaurant, two waitresses serve the customers: the beautiful and popular Aileen and the plain, overlooked Tildy. While Aileen receives constant attention and gifts from male patrons, Tildy has never had an admirer. One day, a shy customer named Seeders, drunk, impulsively kisses Tildy. This act transforms Tildy's self-perception, making her feel desirable and romantic. She proudly tells everyone she has been 'insulted' and begins to dress like Aileen. However, when Seeders returns sober to apologize, Tildy's romantic illusion shatters, and she weeps in despair. Aileen comforts her, dismissing Seeders as unworthy.
Chapter 252
Holding Up a Train
A former outlaw recounts the methods, ease, and dangers of train robbery in the Old West, describing his first holdup in 1890, the importance of surprise, the psychology of passengers, and the constant threat of betrayal by former comrades turned lawmen.
Chapter 253
The Easter of the Soul
Mr. 'Tiger' McQuirk, a marble-cutter on strike, experiences a strange, restless feeling he cannot identify. Dismissing his mother's suggestion of spring, he wanders through the city, noticing subtle signs of the season. His mood shifts between aggression and longing until he finally recognizes his feeling as love for Annie Maria Doyle. He proposes to her, and she accepts, but later that day snow falls, contradicting the promise of spring. Despite the weather, McQuirk insists it is springtime.
Chapter 254
Ulysses and the Dogman
The chapter introduces the phenomenon of 'dogmen' in New York City—men forced by their wives to walk pampered, ill-tempered dogs each evening. One such dogman, Sam Telfair, encounters an old Western friend, Jim Berry, who has come to the city briefly. As they drink together, Sam laments his subjugation to his wife's dog, Lovekins, and contrasts his current life with his former rugged independence. The story culminates in Sam's rebellion: he kicks the dog away and buys a ticket to Denver, symbolically reclaiming his freedom.
Chapter 255
The Complete Life of John Hopkins
John Hopkins, an ordinary man living a mundane life in a New York flat with his wife, experiences a sudden series of adventures after stepping out to buy a cigar. He gets into a fight with the cigar store owner over a nickel, is rescued by a chauffeur driving a racing automobile, and is taken to a mansion where a beautiful lady asks for his help against a man who insulted her. Hopkins bravely confronts the man, only to be easily ejected. He returns home to his flat, his ordinary life unchanged, having tasted poverty, love, and war in a single evening.
Chapter 256
The Caliph and the Cad
Corny Brannigan, a truck driver, enjoys dressing in evening clothes and mingling with high society on Broadway, pretending to be a gentleman. One night, he intervenes when a man mistreats a lady, fights him, and helps her into a carriage. The lady gives him three roses in thanks. Corny then buys the man a drink, realizing that being a gentleman is about character, not just clothes.
Chapter 257
The Door of Unrest
The narrator, an editor of the Montopolis Weekly Bugle, encounters an old, strangely dressed man named Michob Ader who claims to be the Wandering Jew, condemned to live until Judgment Day for striking Jesus. The narrator initially dismisses the story as drunken nonsense, but later discovers that Ader is known locally as Mike O'Bader, a shoemaker with a history of periodic drunken fits and a tragic past involving his daughter.
Chapter 258
The Emancipation of Billy
Billy Pemberton, son of the revered ex-Governor Pemberton, struggles with being overshadowed by his father's legacy in Elmville. After receiving a prestigious judicial appointment, he initially feels pride but realizes it will only reinforce his role as 'the son of.' He decides to decline the offer and embrace a simpler life, finding happiness in his hometown and friendships. The chapter culminates with a visit from a presidential party, where Billy observes his father's ceremonial role with newfound contentment.
Chapter 259
A Harlem Tragedy
Mrs. Fink envies her friend Mrs. Cassidy, who is proudly beaten by her husband Jack and rewarded with gifts afterward. Seeking to provoke her own passive husband Martin into striking her, Mrs. Fink attacks him, but he refuses to fight back. In the end, Mrs. Fink is humiliated to find Martin washing the clothes instead, while Mrs. Cassidy enjoys her husband's violent affection.
Chapter 260
Dougherty's Eye-Opener
Big Jim Dougherty, a sport who neglects his wife Delia, finally takes her out to dinner after three years. At the restaurant, she blossoms into a charming socialite, captivating his friends and making Jim realize his neglect. The evening ends with Jim choosing to stay home with her instead of going to his usual hangout.
Chapter 261
The Rubber Plant's Story
A sentient rubber plant narrates its life story, moving from owner to owner in New York City flats and furnished rooms. It observes the lives of its various owners, including a pony ballet dancer, a refined comedy team, a married woman, and finally a struggling singer named Bess. The plant witnesses Bess's heartbreak over her failed singing career and her reunion with her lover Dick, who mistakes the rubber plant for a magnolia from their shared past in the South.
Chapter 262
The Gold That Glittered
A Colombian general, Gen. Perrico Ximenes Villablanca Falcon, arrives in New York to purchase arms for revolutionaries. He is targeted by con man 'Spider' Kelley, who pretends to help him buy rifles from a fake Secretary of War. However, the general falls for the hotel proprietress, Mrs. O'Brien, and instead uses the revolution funds to buy the hotel and marry her, leaving Kelley and the swindlers empty-handed.
Chapter 263
A Lickpenny Lover
Masie, an eighteen-year-old saleslady at the Biggest Store, catches the eye of wealthy painter and millionaire Irving Carter. Despite his social standing, Carter becomes infatuated with her and proposes an unconventional meeting, which Masie accepts. Over time, he declares his love and offers marriage, painting a picture of a luxurious, travel-filled life. However, Masie, skeptical and worldly-wise, ultimately dismisses him, revealing to her friend that she considers him too cheap for even a Coney Island wedding tour.
Chapter 264
The Missing Chord
The narrator stays overnight at Rush Kinney's sheep-ranch, where he hears beautiful piano music played by Mrs. Kinney. Kinney then tells the story of how he met his wife, Marilla, and the piano she plays—a story involving her father, Old Cal Adams, who bought her a player-piano instead of a real one, a secret Marilla kept from him until his death.
Chapter 265
A Dinner at ⸻
The narrator, an author, struggles to control his fictional character, Van Sweller, who insists on dining at a named restaurant for social atmosphere. After a series of disputes over behavior and setting, the author physically drags Van Sweller from the restaurant to his own room, cooking him a meal over a gas jet. The chapter ends with the author receiving a rejection letter from a magazine that demands the story include a dinner at the restaurant, highlighting the tension between artistic integrity and commercial expectations.
Chapter 266
One Thousand Dollars
Young Robert Gillian inherits exactly one thousand dollars from his wealthy uncle, with the stipulation that he must account for how he spends it. After consulting a friend, a cab driver, and a blind man, he gives the money to his uncle's ward, Miriam Hayden, claiming it is a bequest. He then reports to the lawyers that he lost the money on the races, forfeiting a potential $50,000 inheritance, which instead goes to Miss Hayden.
Chapter 267
A Comedy in Rubber
This chapter satirizes the phenomenon of 'rubbering'—the compulsive curiosity of New Yorkers who gather to gawk at any accident or unusual event. It follows William Pry and Violet Seymour, two dedicated 'rubberers' who meet and fall in love while staring at the victims of a brewery wagon accident. Their romance blossoms through shared rubbering experiences, culminating in a wedding where the couple themselves become the spectacle, unable to resist joining the crowd of onlookers outside their own ceremony.
Chapter 268
The Defeat of the City
Robert Walmsley, a successful Manhattan lawyer who married the aristocratic Alicia Van Der Pool, returns to his rural family farm after years of city life. During the visit, he sheds his urban polish and revels in rustic, boisterous behavior, shocking his wife, who expected a gentleman. The chapter explores the tension between his rural roots and his acquired city identity, culminating in Alicia's quiet condemnation.
Chapter 269
The Pride of the Cities
A New Yorker and a man from Topaz City, Nevada, engage in a competitive conversation at a roof-garden table, each boasting about the superiority of their respective hometowns. The New Yorker extols New York's hotels, police, art, and noise, while the Westerner counters with tales of Topaz City's marshal, murders, and local events. Their rivalry continues until the show ends, and they part ways on the sidewalk, still arguing.
Chapter 270
The Greater Coney
Dennis Carnahan, out of work and having quarreled with his sweetheart Norah Flynn, visits the newly reformed Coney Island seeking distraction. Instead of enjoying the modernized amusements, he finds himself drawn to the old pavilion on the beach, where he nostalgically recalls happier times with Norah from the previous summer. There he discovers Norah herself, who has also avoided the new attractions. They reconcile, acknowledging that the 'greater Coney' is only enjoyable when one is in the right humor, and agree to explore it together the following Sunday.
Chapter 271
Transients in Arcadia
In a hidden Broadway hotel that offers a cool, luxurious escape from the summer heat, a woman posing as Madame Héloise D'Arcy Beaumont and a man calling himself Harold Farrington enjoy a week of high-class leisure. On their last evening, she reveals she is actually Mamie Siviter, a store clerk who saved for a year to live like a lady for one week, and he confesses he is James McManus, a debt collector for the same store where she works. They bond over their shared deception and plan a simple outing to Coney Island.
Chapter 272
The Lady Higher Up
In a whimsical midnight conversation between the Statue of Liberty and the Diana statue atop Madison Square Garden, the two goddesses gossip about the dullness of New York City society, the absurdities of modern life, and their respective roles. Liberty, speaking with an Irish brogue, laments her lonely duty welcoming immigrants, while Diana, perched high above the city, offers a more cynical perspective on the fate of those same immigrants who eventually become successful citizens.
Chapter 273
The Foreign Policy of Company 99
Engine Company No. 99's hose-cart driver John Byrnes is an ardent Japan supporter during the Russo-Japanese War, tracking the conflict on a war map. An immigrant named Demetre Svangvsk inadvertently causes a crash that injures Byrnes and kills the beloved horse Erebus. Despite being repeatedly kicked out, Svangvsk returns and later heroically rescues Byrnes's son Chris from a runaway automobile by riding the remaining horse Joe. The firemen discover Svangvsk is a Cossack, a Russian tribe, complicating Byrnes's anti-Russian stance.
Chapter 274
Two Renegades
The narrator encounters his friend Barnard O'Keefe marching with Confederate Veterans in the Gate City of the South. O'Keefe explains that he owes his life to the Confederate States of America, which intervened four months earlier to save him from execution in Colombia. He recounts how, after being imprisoned and sentenced to death, the local doctor Doc Millikin swore him into allegiance to the Confederacy and arranged his release through bribes paid with Confederate currency.
Chapter 275
A Tempered Wind
Jeff Peters recounts his partnership with Buckingham Skinner, a con artist who poses as a rustic farmer to secure small loans from loan companies. They later form the Golconda Gold Bond and Investment Company, a fraudulent scheme that attracts investments from poor and vulnerable people. When a newspaper reporter exposes the scam, Buck and Jeff decide to return all the money to the investors, refusing to swindle the needy. They then flee, resuming their small-time hustles with a hair tonic and chill cure scheme.
Chapter 276
The Roads We Take
Shark Dodson and Bob Tidball rob the Sunset Express, killing a guard and a fellow outlaw. After escaping, Bob's horse is injured, and Shark kills Bob to take the entire loot. The scene then shifts to reveal that Shark is actually a Wall Street broker named Dodson who had been dreaming the entire robbery.
Chapter 277
The Furnished Room
A young man, searching tirelessly for his lost love Eloise Vashner, rents a furnished room in a decaying West Side boarding house. The room is filled with the stale residue of countless transients. Overcome by a sudden, powerful scent of mignonette that he associates with her, he becomes convinced she was there. In despair, he seals the room and turns on the gas. Later, the housekeepers reveal that a young woman with a mole by her left eyebrow had committed suicide in that very room a week earlier.
Chapter 278
The Diamond of Kali
A reporter investigates a story about General Marcellus B. Ludlow and his possession of a legendary blue diamond once used as the eye of the goddess Kali. The General recounts his daring theft of the gem from a Thug temple in India and his subsequent pursuit by the tribe's fanatical members. The story culminates in a comedic chase through New York City, where the pair escape by clinging to a fire hydrant, which the superstitious Thugs mistake for a sacred cow. The chapter ends with a newspaper item hinting that a niece of the General may soon appear on stage, suggesting the diamond may be used for social or theatrical purposes.
Chapter 279
A Little Talk About Mobs
A tall gentleman from Indiana and a New Yorker debate the nature of mobs in New York City, with the tall man arguing that local mobs are largely performative and harmless, contrasting them with a lynching he participated in for a theft from his brother.
Chapter 280
Suite Homes and Their Romance
Claude Turpin and his wife Vivien live a lavish New York lifestyle on his $200 monthly salary, dining out constantly and accumulating debt. When Turpin suspects Vivien of overspending, an anonymous letter leads him to raid a supposed gambling den at 345 Blank Street. With a police captain, he discovers the location is a Browning Society meeting, but behind a hidden door he finds a room full of women eating ice cream—a vice that has been draining his wife's allowance. The story satirizes domestic life, suspicion, and the absurdities of urban marriage.
Chapter 281
The Caliph, Cupid and the Clock
Prince Michael, heir to the Electorate of Valleluna, disguised as a ragged park lounger, observes a young man anxiously watching a clock. The young man reveals he is waiting for a white silk scarf signal from his beloved Marian, who promised to forgive him if it appears by 8:30. The clock reads past 9, but Prince Michael advises him to wait until the clock strikes. At the stroke of 9, the scarf appears, and a passerby reveals the clock is half an hour fast. The young man rushes to his love, while Prince Michael sleeps on, clutching a fifty-dollar bill, mistaken for a common tramp by policemen.
Chapter 282
Makes the Whole World Kin
A burglar of the third type enters a home expecting a routine job, but when the homeowner wakes and reveals he cannot raise his left arm due to rheumatism, the burglar discovers they share the same affliction. Their shared misery overrides the criminal intent, leading them to abandon the burglary and go out for a drink together.
Chapter 283
The Love-Philtre of Ikey Schoenstein
Ikey Schoenstein, a timid druggist, pines for Rosy Riddle but is too shy to act. His rival, Chunk McGowan, asks Ikey for a love potion to ensure Rosy will elope with him. Ikey gives him a sleeping powder instead, then tips off Rosy's father. However, Chunk decides to win Rosy honestly and slips the powder into her father's coffee, allowing the elopement to succeed.
Chapter 284
The Rathskeller and the Rose
Actress Posie Carrington, a small-town girl who made it big on Broadway, is courted by actor Highsmith who disguises himself as a rustic old friend from her hometown of Cranberry Corners to win the role of 'Sol Haytosser' in her new play. He successfully fools her with his performance and a yellow rose from her mother's bush, but the next day she cancels all engagements and returns to Cranberry Corners, moved by the nostalgia he evoked.
Chapter 285
A Sacrifice Hit
Allen Slayton, an aspiring author, submits his novelette 'Love Is All' to the Hearthstone Magazine, which uses a unique system of having various non-professional readers evaluate manuscripts. Knowing that sentimental stories are read by the editor's stenographer, Miss Puffkin, Slayton romances and marries her to secure a favorable review. However, due to a mix-up by the office boy, his manuscript is swapped with another, and the janitor's crude rejection is returned instead, while Miss Puffkin praises a different story titled 'Married for the Mazuma, or a Working Girl's Triumph.'
Chapter 286
The Sleuths
A man named Meeks comes to New York from the West to find his missing sister, Mary Snyder. After unhelpful advice from a policeman and a city detective, he hires the famous private detective Shamrock Jolnes, who uses elaborate deductive reasoning to locate her. However, Jolnes's clues prove flawed, and the case is ultimately solved by the more practical detective Juggins, who finds Mrs. Snyder by a simple, common-sense method.
Chapter 287
The Theory and the Hound
The narrator recounts a story told by his friend J. P. Bridger, a U.S. consul on the island of Ratona, about Sheriff Taylor Plunkett of Chatham County, Kentucky, who arrives on the island to capture Wade Williams, a wife-murderer. Plunkett dines with Bridger and two friends, Reeves and Morgan, both of whom may be Williams. During dinner, Plunkett kicks a friendly hound, provoking an angry reaction from Morgan, whom he then arrests, revealing his theory that cruelty to animals correlates with cruelty to women.
Chapter 288
The Coming-Out of Maggie
Maggie Toole, a plain factory girl, surprises her friend Anna by revealing she has a gentleman escort for the weekly Clover Leaf Social Club dance. She introduces Terry O'Sullivan, a charming and well-dressed stranger, who quickly becomes the center of attention. However, tensions rise when he dances twice with Dempsey Donovan's girl, leading to a confrontation. It is revealed that O'Sullivan is actually Tony Spinelli, an Italian immigrant, and Maggie had disguised his identity to help him fit in. After a knife is drawn, Dempsey banishes Spinelli but offers to escort Maggie home and take her to the next hop, restoring her happiness.
Chapter 289
Squaring the Circle
A philosophical discourse on the conflict between nature's curves and the city's straight lines introduces the tale of Sam Folwell, the last of the Kentucky feudists, who travels to New York City to kill his hereditary enemy, Cal Harkness. Overwhelmed by the city's angular, dehumanizing geometry, Sam struggles to navigate its alien environment. When the two finally meet on a street corner, instead of violence, they shake hands, their feud dissolved by the city's transformative power.
Chapter 290
Hearts and Crosses
Webb Yeager, foreman turned prince-consort after marrying Santa McAllister, the cattle queen, laments his loss of authority on the Nopalito Ranch. His friend Baldy Woods encourages him to assert himself. Webb recalls the secret heart-and-cross sign Santa used to send him when they were courting, defying her father's wishes. The next morning, Webb challenges Santa's business decision, insisting on selling cattle to Zimmerman and Nesbit instead of Barber, leading to a confrontation.
Chapter 291
The Ransom of Mack
After striking it rich in a gold mine, Andy Donovan and his friend Mack Lonsbury retire to the small town of Pina to enjoy a quiet life of leisure. While Andy is away on business, Mack is elected justice of the peace and becomes infatuated with a young woman named Rebosa Redd, planning to marry her. Andy, believing Mack is making a mistake due to his age and inexperience with women, intervenes by offering Rebosa and her true love, Eddie Bayles, a thousand dollars to marry each other instead. However, upon returning home, Andy discovers that Mack himself performed the wedding ceremony as justice of the peace, having changed the time to accommodate the couple.
Chapter 292
The Cop and the Anthem
Soapy, a homeless man in New York City, seeks to be arrested and sent to Blackwell's Island prison for the winter. He attempts various schemes—smashing a window, dining without paying, harassing a woman, and stealing an umbrella—but each fails due to unexpected circumstances. After a moment of reflection inspired by an organ anthem from a church, he resolves to reform his life. However, just as he makes this decision, a policeman arrests him for loitering, and he is sentenced to three months on the Island.
Chapter 293
Christmas by Injunction
In the mining town of Yellowhammer, Cherokee plans a grand Christmas celebration with a tree and gifts, but the town has no children. Trinidad and the Judge set out to borrow children from nearby settlements, facing repeated refusals. They eventually secure one skeptical boy, Bobby, from Granite Junction. The chapter highlights the community's efforts to fulfill Cherokee's altruistic vision despite the absence of youth.
Chapter 294
The Green Door
Rudolf Steiner, a true adventurer, receives a mysterious card reading 'The Green Door' from a fantastically dressed African man on the street. Intrigued, he follows the clue to a green door in a dim hallway, where he finds a starving young woman. He rescues her with food and companionship, and they bond over their shared loneliness.
Chapter 295
The Church with an Overshot-Wheel
At the Eagle House in Lakelands, the beloved Father Abram Strong, a former miller, forms a bond with a young guest named Miss Rose Chester. Through a series of events—including an organ note that triggers a memory and a playful conversation about lost identity—it is revealed that Miss Chester is actually Father Abram's long-lost daughter Aglaia, who was stolen by gypsies as a child. The chapter culminates in their emotional reunion.
Chapter 296
The Badge of Policeman O’Roon
Ellsworth Remsen, a wealthy Knickerbocker, helps his war comrade O'Roon secure a job as a mounted policeman. When O'Roon gets drunk before duty, Remsen impersonates him and ends up rescuing a beautiful woman and her father from a runaway carriage. Though he falls in love at first sight, Remsen sacrifices his own identity to protect O'Roon's honor, only to later learn O'Roon is actually the son of an earl and the woman is his sister.
Chapter 297
A Ramble in Aphasia
Elwyn C. Bellford, a successful Denver lawyer, suffers a sudden attack of aphasia due to overwork, forgetting his identity and past. He adopts the name Edward Pinkhammer, a Kansas druggist, and travels to New York. There, he encounters a woman who mistakes him for an old acquaintance, and later his wife Marian and friend Doctor Volney find him. Despite his memory loss, Bellford eventually reveals he remembers everything, having enjoyed the temporary escape from his life.
Chapter 298
The Making of a New Yorker
Raggles, a poet who lives his verses and studies cities as individuals, arrives in Manhattan expecting to find its unique soul. Instead, he is met with cold indifference, egotism, and a sense of being utterly ignored. After being struck by a vehicle, he awakens to the sudden, overwhelming kindness of strangers—including the very types he had earlier condemned—and realizes he has finally found the heart of the city, defending it fiercely even from a hospital bed.
Chapter 299
A Service of Love
Joe Larrabee and Delia Caruthers, a young married couple pursuing art and music in New York, secretly take menial jobs to support each other's studies, each inventing a fictional patron to hide their sacrifices. Their deceptions are revealed when both confess to working at the same laundry, leading to a tender reconciliation that redefines their love beyond artistic ambition.
Chapter 300
Psyche and the Pskyscraper
Daisy, a young woman working in a candy store and living in a cramped hall bedroom, is courted by two men: Joe, who runs a tiny store and offers her a simple, loving life, and Dabster, a pretentious philosopher who dazzles with facts. Dabster takes Daisy to the top of a skyscraper to view the panorama, but she finds the experience cold and alienating. A meteor startles her, and she flees back to Joe's cozy, cramped store, realizing she prefers his warmth and sincerity over Dabster's intellectual show.
Chapter 301
A Cosmopolite in a Café
The narrator sits in a crowded café and meets E. Rushmore Coglan, a man who claims to be a true cosmopolite—a citizen of the world with no attachment to any specific place. Coglan derides patriotism and local pride, arguing for global brotherhood. However, when a stranger insults Coglan's hometown of Mattawamkeag, Maine, he starts a violent fight, revealing that his cosmopolitanism is a facade.
Chapter 302
The Girl and the Habit
Miss Merriam, a cashier at Hinkle's restaurant, is adored by male patrons for her beauty and wit. She is adopted by a wealthy elderly banker, Mr. McRamsey, and his wife, becoming Miss Rosa McRamsey. Despite her new social status, her old cashier habits resurface at a charity bazaar when she instinctively responds to an earl's compliment with cashier-like banter, causing her to faint from the shock.
Chapter 303
Vanity and Some Sables
Kid Brady leaves the Stovepipe Gang to work as a plumber for his girlfriend Molly McKeever. After eight months, he buys her an expensive set of Russian sables, which leads to a confrontation with Detective Ransom, who suspects the furs are stolen. A policeman reveals the furs are cheap imitations, and the misunderstanding is resolved, highlighting Kid's vanity and Molly's unconditional love.
Chapter 304
The Unknown Quantity
Dan Kinsolving inherits $2 million from his father, who made the fortune by cornering the flour market and overcharging bread buyers. Seeking to make restitution, Dan consults his socialist friend Kenwitz, who argues that the damage is irreparable. Kenwitz illustrates this with the story of Thomas Boyne, a baker ruined by the price increase, whose daughter Mary now sews shirts for pennies. Dan meets Mary, and two months later, Kenwitz discovers that Dan has married her, suggesting a personal form of restitution.
Chapter 305
Babes in the Jungle
Billy Keogh reunites with Montague Silver in New York, where Silver boasts about the ease of swindling naive city dwellers. They meet a man posing as J.P. Morgan, who mentions a rare painting he desperately wants. Silver and Keogh buy the painting from a pawnshop for $2,000, only to discover it is a common print sold in department stores for $3.48.
Chapter 306
The Song and the Sergeant
A dispute among the cast of 'A Gay Coquette' over who is responsible for a failing scene escalates into a public disturbance, leading to their arrest. At the police station, the sergeant allows them to perform the disputed 'gorilla dance' scene, revealing that the comedian's unspoken love for Miss Carroll caused her to misinterpret his song and act differently. The misunderstanding is resolved, and the charges are dropped.
Chapter 307
Man About Town
The narrator embarks on a quest to define the elusive 'Man About Town' type in New York City, seeking definitions from a bartender, a Salvation Army lassie, a critic, and a reporter. After a night of searching, he is struck by a car and wakes up in a hospital, where a newspaper article identifies him as a typical 'Man About Town.'
Chapter 308
Memoirs of a Yellow Dog
A yellow dog narrates his life as a pet in a New York flat, suffering under a doting but suffocating mistress and sympathizing with her henpecked husband. After learning from a neighbor's terrier that the husband escapes via drinking, the dog leads his owner to a saloon. The man gets drunk, removes the dog's collar, and the two flee together to the Rocky Mountains, where the dog is renamed 'Pete.'
Chapter 309
Mammon and the Archer
Old Anthony Rockwall, a wealthy soap manufacturer, tries to help his son Richard win the hand of Miss Lantry before she sails for Europe. Richard believes money cannot buy him the time or social access needed to propose, but Anthony orchestrates a traffic jam to delay their carriage ride, giving Richard the opportunity to propose successfully.
Chapter 310
The Detective Detector
The narrator walks with Avery Knight, a notorious criminal, who boasts he can find the detective assigned to catch him within 48 hours. After Knight commits a murder in Central Park, he uses a reverse-induction method to locate Detective Shamrock Jolnes staking out Andrew Carnegie's residence, proving his claim.
Chapter 311
Little Speck in Garnered Fruit
Kid McGarry, a champion welterweight boxer, is on his honeymoon. His bride craves a peach, but it is early spring and out of season. Determined to fulfill her wish, he searches the city, eventually tipping off the police to raid a gambling den run by Denver Dick in exchange for access to the establishment's lavish free lunch, where he finds a single remaining peach. He returns home triumphantly, only for his bride to casually remark she would have preferred an orange.
Chapter 312
The Shocks of Doom
Vallance, recently disinherited and penniless, finds himself in Madison Square Park where he meets Ide, a vagrant who is terrified of inheriting a fortune the next day. Vallance helps Ide through the night, but the next day at the lawyer's office, Ide learns the offer is rescinded, causing Vallance to faint upon learning his own uncle is reconciled.
Chapter 313
Extradited from Bohemia
Medora Martin, a naive art student from Harmony, Vermont, is drawn into New York's Bohemian scene by the flamboyant Mr. Binkley. After a night at the Café Terence, she is overcome with guilt and writes a dramatic farewell letter to her fiancé Beriah Hoskins, declaring herself lost to Bohemia. However, Beriah arrives in person, dismisses her theatrics, and brings her back home to Vermont, revealing the absurdity of her romanticized notions of Bohemian life.
Chapter 314
The Red Roses of Tonia
Tonia Weaver's Easter hat is delayed due to a burned trestle on the International Railroad. Two suitors, Wells Pearson and Thompson Burrows, race to Lone Elm Crossing to fetch a replacement hat. Pearson returns with a hat adorned with red roses, which he painted himself, winning Tonia's favor.
Chapter 315
Springtime à la Carte
Sarah, a freelance typist in New York, survives a cold winter by typing menu cards for Schulenberg's Home Restaurant in exchange for meals. As spring approaches, she is heartbroken over not receiving letters from her farmer sweetheart, Walter Franklin. While typing a menu that includes dandelions—a flower that symbolizes their love—she breaks down in tears. Unbeknownst to her, Walter has been searching for her; he finds her by recognizing the distinctive 'W' on the menu card, which mistakenly reads 'Dearest Walter, with hard-boiled egg' instead of 'dandelions.' They reunite happily.
Chapter 316
Between Rounds
A May evening at Mrs. Murphy's boardinghouse begins with a domestic quarrel between the McCaskeys, which is interrupted by the news that Mrs. Murphy's little boy, Mike, is lost. The entire boardinghouse community becomes involved in the search, revealing both the harshness and the underlying compassion of city life. The McCaskeys briefly reconcile over the lost child, but their fight resumes after Mike is found asleep under a roll of linoleum.
Chapter 317
Tommy's Burglar
A young boy named Tommy encounters a burglar in his home. Instead of being afraid, Tommy engages the burglar in a meta-fictional conversation about the clichés and conventions of burglar stories, pointing out the predictable plot points and character tropes. The burglar plays along, lamenting the limitations of his role in fiction. The story satirizes the formulaic nature of such tales, with Tommy and the burglar collaboratively deconstructing the narrative as it unfolds.
Chapter 318
The Marry Month of May
In a humorous tale about the deceptive power of spring, old Mr. Coulson, a wealthy gout-ridden invalid, is stirred by May's influence to propose to his housekeeper, Mrs. Widdup. His daughter, the cold and calculating Miss Van Meeker Constantia Coulson, thwarts the romance by secretly filling the basement with ice to chill the house and dampen her father's amorous mood. After a few days of freezing temperatures, Mr. Coulson complains bitterly, and Mrs. Widdup eventually discovers the ice and removes it, restoring the warmth. Mr. Coulson resumes his proposal, but Mrs. Widdup reveals that Miss Coulson has eloped with the iceman, underscoring May's mischievous and unpredictable nature.
Chapter 319
The Girl and the Graft
Ferguson Pogue, a self-proclaimed grafter, recounts a scheme involving a wealthy New Yorker named Vaucross and a woman from Kansas, Artemisia Blye. Pogue arranges for Vaucross to court Artemisia publicly and write passionate love letters, then stage a breach-of-promise lawsuit to gain notoriety. However, Artemisia and Vaucross fall in love, marry, and leave Pogue with only a railroad ticket and old pants, illustrating Pogue's belief that women are naturally adept at 'graft' in their own right.
Chapter 320
The Call of the Tame
Greenbrier Nye, a Rough Rider from Arizona, visits New York City and reunites with his old friend Longhorn Merritt, who has become a city dweller. Over drinks and dinner, Greenbrier laments Merritt's transformation from a rugged cowboy to a comfortable urbanite, while Merritt defends his new life. The chapter explores the clash between Western authenticity and Eastern comfort.
Chapter 321
According to Their Lights
Two down-and-out men, young Murray and the Captain, have fallen from respectable positions and now survive on the streets of New York. The Captain is offered money to testify against a former friend and inspector, but refuses out of loyalty. Murray, in contrast, considers betraying the Captain for a reward. The chapter ends with both men joining the Bread Line at midnight, embodying their respective moral codes.
Chapter 322
Roses, Ruses and Romance
Ravenel, a poet, laments the death of romance in modern literature to his friend Sammy Brown, a broker's clerk. Sammy dismisses Ravenel's complaints and leaves for a date, revealed to be with a girl from the old mansion next door, signaled by roses in her window. Later, Ravenel sees a beautiful young woman in the same window and interprets her display of four roses and a nutmeg geranium as a romantic response to his poem, only to discover that the signals are actually Sammy's system for meeting his fiancée.
Chapter 323
The Voice of the City
The narrator embarks on a quest to discover the 'Voice of the City'—the essential, unified expression of New York's multitudes. He asks various people: Aurelia, a bartender, a policeman, a poet, and a newsboy. Each responds with personal concerns rather than a grand urban message. Ultimately, the narrator returns to Aurelia, and in a silent, intimate moment of hand-holding, he realizes that the true voice of the city is found in quiet, personal connection.
Chapter 324
Hostages to Momus
A group of men, including the narrator, Billy Keogh, and others, engage in a series of humorous and deceptive schemes, culminating in a practical joke involving a fake hush-money payment to an alderman, highlighting themes of deception and social satire.
Chapter 325
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 326
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 327
III
John Pescud recounts to the narrator how he met and pursued his future wife, Jessie Allyn, after seeing her on a train. He followed her to her family's dilapidated but grand Virginia estate, won over her proud father Colonel Allyn with his honesty and humor, and eventually secured a place at Elmcroft.
Chapter 328
IV
The narrator and John Pescud arrive at Coketown, a bleak, rain-soaked industrial stop. Pescud explains he is getting off to find petunias for his wife Jessie, reminiscent of her old Virginia home. The narrator reflects on life's boundless nature and wishes Pescud luck.
Chapter 329
Sisters of the Golden Circle
A newlywed couple, James and Hattie Williams, ride on a Rubberneck sightseeing auto in New York City. A girl in a tan jacket and her companion, a young man, are also aboard. The girl and Hattie exchange a quick, meaningful glance and whisper. When police stop the car to arrest a Philadelphia burglar named 'Pinky' McGuire, the girl's companion slips away unnoticed. Hattie, recognizing the girl as a fellow bride, urges her husband to go along with the arrest to allow the other man to escape. James is taken to the station house, where he is later cleared, and Hattie explains she acted to help the other newlywed couple.
Chapter 330
The Dog and the Playlet
On a sweltering July evening in New York City, the narrator and his friend Hollis debate the nature of dramatic dialogue—whether people in real life express profound emotions in grand, theatrical language or in plain, everyday speech. Hollis argues that modern people react to crises with mundane practicality, while the narrator insists that great emotions can wring powerful, even scriptural, words from ordinary people. After the argument, they go to Hollis's apartment, where Hollis receives a letter revealing that his fiancée, Loris Sherman, has run away with his best friend, Tom Tolliver. In his genuine shock and grief, Hollis cries out in the very sort of theatrical language he had just mocked, proving the narrator's theory correct.
Chapter 331
An Adjustment of Nature
The narrator recounts a story from three years ago about his friend Kraft, a painter who believes in the 'Unerring Artistic Adjustment of Nature.' They frequent Cipher's restaurant, where the magnificent waitress Milly works. Kraft fears that a wealthy lumberman will marry Milly and take her away from her natural environment. When a Klondiker millionaire appears and shows interest in Milly, the friends get him drunk and send him away to preserve the natural order. Later, the narrator learns that Kraft married Milly himself, revealing his true motive.
Chapter 332
A Midsummer Knight's Dream
A man who insists New York City is the best summer resort is revealed to be sacrificing his own comfort to send his wife and children to the mountains. Through a daydream, he relives a youthful summer romance where he won a mock tournament and crowned his beloved queen, contrasting his current pretense with his true desires.
Chapter 333
The Lost Blend
Con Lantry, a shy bartender in love with his boss's daughter Katherine, learns about two men, Riley and McQuirk, who are trying to recreate a miraculous alcoholic blend they accidentally made in Nicaragua. The secret ingredient turns out to be water, which Con mentions after speaking with Katherine. Riley and McQuirk fight in excitement over the discovery, leaving behind a small sample of the golden liquid. Con drinks it, gains sudden courage, and proposes to Katherine.
Chapter 334
An Unfinished Story
Dulcie, a department store worker earning six dollars a week, is invited to dinner by a wealthy man she calls 'Piggy.' She excitedly prepares for the date, but after looking at a portrait of General Kitchener on her dresser, she feels a sense of moral reproach and cancels the date. She spends the evening alone, eating crackers and jam, and the story hints that she may eventually give in to Piggy's invitations when she feels lonelier. The narrative is framed as a dream about judgment, critiquing the exploitation of working girls.
Chapter 335
Nemesis and the Candy Man
The chapter interweaves two narratives: the strained romantic relationship between Honoria Clinton and young Ives, who seeks forgiveness before she sails, and the candy man's resistance to the flirtations of Mademoiselle Adèle, a rooftop performer. The candy man's blunt indifference ultimately breaks when Mademoiselle receives news of Ives's departure, causing her distress.
Chapter 336
The City of Dreadful Night
During a heat wave, the Park Commissioner and other authorities decree that residents of tenements like the Beersheba Flats must sleep in Central Park. The narrator, Carney, describes the chaotic and uncomfortable night spent outdoors, where social distinctions break down in the dark, and the landlord later raises rents upon seeing the park's benefits.
Chapter 337
The Skylight Room
Miss Leeson, a poor working girl, rents a tiny, coffin-like skylight room in Mrs. Parker's boarding house for two dollars a week. Despite her poverty, she maintains a cheerful spirit and whimsically names a star she sees through her skylight 'Billy Jackson.' After losing her typing work, she grows weak from hunger. When Mr. Hoover proposes marriage, she rejects him and retreats to her room. There, she bids farewell to Billy Jackson before collapsing. The next day, she is found unconscious and taken to the hospital by an ambulance doctor.
Chapter 338
The Assessor of Success
Morley, a cynical and manipulative man, navigates New York City by exploiting others' trust and naivety. He cons an old man looking for his son, swindles a child sent to buy medicine, and reflects on his ability to deceive men, women, and children. Despite his success, a chance encounter with a girl from his past triggers a moment of profound despair, revealing the emptiness behind his facade.
Chapter 339
From Each According to His Ability
Vuyning, a bored clubman, is approached by Emerson, a self-proclaimed crook from the West, who admires Vuyning's impeccable style and seeks his advice on dressing properly. Vuyning agrees to help, and Emerson reveals he stole $16,000 from a bank. Despite this, Vuyning befriends him, takes him to his tailor, and later introduces him at his club as a burglar and pal. Emerson captivates the clubmen with tales of the West. After Emerson leaves, Vuyning, inspired, decides to visit his father's Colorado ranch and tells Miss Allison he will propose again but not today.
Chapter 340
The Poet and the Peasant
A poet who has lived close to nature writes a pastoral poem that an editor rejects as 'too artificial.' In retaliation, a group of friends conspire to have Conant, a city-dwelling writer, submit a fabricated nature poem under his own name. Meanwhile, a country bumpkin named Haylocks arrives in New York City from Ulster County, carrying a valise with $950 from his grandmother's farm. Despite his genuine rustic appearance—complete with a wisp of hay in his hair—everyone he encounters, from a steerer to a bartender to a newsboy, dismisses him as a fake or a con artist in disguise. After being repeatedly rebuffed, Haylocks buys fashionable city clothes and transforms into a suave boulevardier, only to be immediately targeted by a gang of thieves who rob him. The story concludes with Conant receiving payment for his poem, and the narrator offers two conflicting morals: 'Stay on the Farm' or 'Don't Write Poetry.'
Chapter 341
A Bird of Bagdad
The Margrave August Michael von Paulsen Quigg, a modern-day Caliph Harun Al Rashid, runs a modest restaurant in Fourth Avenue and spends his nights seeking adventure and aiding the distressed. One evening, he encounters a young man throwing silver coins into a crowd. Quigg leads him to a park and offers his help. The young man explains his predicament: he works in a harness shop for $18 a week, is in love with his boss's daughter Laura, and is competing with coworker Bill Watson for her hand. The boss, old Hildebrant, has set a riddle—'What kind of a hen lays the longest?'—and the winner gets to attend Laura's birthday party. The young man despairs of solving the riddle, and Quigg, despite his good intentions, admits he cannot help with this particular puzzle.
Chapter 342
The Plutonian Fire
The narrator recounts the story of his friend Pettit, a writer from Alabama who struggles to write convincing love stories in New York. After falling in love with a New York girl, Pettit experiences genuine emotion and finally writes a powerful love story. However, upon realizing that true art requires exploiting someone else's heart's blood, he rejects literary success and returns to Alabama.
Chapter 343
The Guilty Party
The chapter contrasts two domestic scenes: a neglectful father who refuses to play checkers with his daughter, and the turbulent relationship between Kid Mullaly and his fiancée Liz, who feels betrayed when the Kid plans to take another woman to a dance. Liz's jealousy and drinking lead to a violent confrontation, and the chapter ends with a dream sequence in which a court officer redirects blame from Liz to the neglectful father, suggesting that the true guilty party is the parent who fails his child.
Chapter 344
The Last Leaf
In Greenwich Village, two young artists, Sue and Johnsy, share a studio. Johnsy falls seriously ill with pneumonia and becomes convinced that she will die when the last leaf falls from an old ivy vine outside her window. Despite Sue's efforts to cheer her, Johnsy's condition worsens. Old Behrman, a failed painter living downstairs, secretly paints a realistic leaf on the wall during a stormy night. The leaf never falls, giving Johnsy the will to recover. Behrman dies of pneumonia, having sacrificed himself to create his masterpiece.
Chapter 345
Elsie in New York
After her father's death, young Elsie Beatty ventures into New York City seeking work, armed only with a letter from her father's former employer, Mr. Otter. Along the way, she is repeatedly intercepted by well-meaning but misguided protectors—a policeman, a temperance advocate, a religious man, and a union picket—who steer her away from various jobs. Eventually, she finds her way to Fox & Otter, where Mr. Otter hires her as a model, but his true intentions are revealed to be predatory.
Chapter 346
The Clarion Call
Detective Barney Woods confronts Johnny Kernan, the murderer of Millionaire Norcross, but is unable to arrest him due to a past debt of gratitude. Kernan, arrogant and boastful, taunts the police and the press, even calling a newspaper editor to confess and mock them, before planning to flee west.
Chapter 347
The Tale of a Tainted Tenner
A ten-dollar bill narrates its own life story, describing its circulation through New York City, its encounters with various people and other currency, and its eventual donation by a gambler named Old Jack to a poor woman who once worked at the Treasury Department.
Chapter 348
Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen
Stuffy Pete, a poor man, sits on his usual bench in Union Square on Thanksgiving Day, already stuffed from an unexpected feast provided by two old ladies. The Old Gentleman, who has fed Stuffy a Thanksgiving dinner annually for nine years, arrives and takes him to their traditional restaurant. Despite being painfully full, Stuffy eats again to preserve the Old Gentleman's happiness and the tradition. After the meal, Stuffy collapses from overeating and is taken to the hospital. Later, the Old Gentleman is also brought in, having suffered from starvation, revealing he had not eaten for three days to afford the dinner.
Chapter 349
Blind Man's Holiday
Lorison, a man with a shifting perspective on life, falls in love with a girl he meets at a cheap restaurant in New Orleans. After a hasty marriage performed by Father Rogan, his bride disappears, leaving him in a state of confusion and jealousy. He confronts the priest about the legality of the marriage, then wanders the streets in a daze. Later, he witnesses a woman being arrested for grand larceny, who appeals to him for help, but he learns she is a fugitive from Chicago.
Chapter 350
Telemachus, Friend
The narrator meets Telemachus Hicks, who recounts the story of his friendship with Paisley Fish and how it was tested when both fell in love with the widow Mrs. Jessup. They agree to court her fairly in each other's presence, but Hicks eventually wins her hand, leading to a physical altercation that ends their friendship.
Chapter 351
A Double-Dyed Deceiver
The Llano Kid, a young outlaw on the run after killing a man in a poker game in Laredo, steals a horse and flees to the coastal town of Buenas Tierras. There, he meets Thacker, the American consul, who hatches a scheme to pass the Kid off as the long-lost son of wealthy Don Santos Urique, complete with a forged tattoo. The Kid goes along with the plan, but after being welcomed and cared for by Señora Urique, he has a change of heart. He refuses to rob the family, threatens Thacker to keep the secret, and chooses to remain as Don Francisco Urique, honoring the mother's love and haunted by the memory of the man he killed, who bore the same tattoo.
Chapter 352
The Gift of the Magi
Della Young, with only $1.87 to buy a Christmas present for her husband Jim, sells her beautiful long hair to a wigmaker for $20. She uses the money to buy a platinum fob chain for Jim's prized gold watch. When Jim returns home, he is stunned to find Della's hair gone because he has sold his watch to buy her a set of expensive combs. Despite their mutual sacrifices rendering both gifts useless, the story concludes that they are the wisest of gift-givers, like the Magi.
Chapter 353
The Duel
Two friends from the West, William and Jack, come to New York City to seek their fortunes. Four years later, they meet for lunch. William has embraced the city, becoming a successful businessman, while Jack, an artist, despises the city's influence and believes it has corrupted William. The chapter explores the struggle between the individual and the city, framed as a duel where one must either conquer or be conquered.
Chapter 354
The Thing's the Play
A newspaper reporter recounts to a writer a story he failed to turn into a humorous column: the tale of Helen Barry, who married Frank Barry twenty years ago. On her wedding night, the best man John Delaney, mad with jealousy, attacked Frank and left him for dead, then fled. Frank survived but lost his memory and became a violinist named Ramonti. Years later, both men—Ramonti (Frank) and a mysterious stranger (John Delaney)—separately rent rooms in Helen's house. Ramonti falls in love with her again, and John Delaney returns seeking forgiveness. Helen must choose between her husband and the man who wronged her.
Chapter 355
The Rubaiyat of a Scotch Highball
Bob Babbitt, a young man in New York, decides to quit drinking after overhearing a friend describe him as 'full as a boiled owl.' His sudden sobriety disrupts the bohemian lifestyle he and his wife Jessie have built, which was fueled by alcohol and carefree revelry. The tension culminates when Bob recites a verse from Omar Khayyám's Rubaiyat, a poem that once symbolized their love and idealism. Jessie, realizing the emptiness of their false Bohemia, smashes the whiskey bottle and embraces Bob, shattering their old life to remold it 'nearer to the Heart's Desire.'
Chapter 356
The Buyer from Cactus City
John Platt, junior partner of Navarro & Platt from Cactus City, Texas, travels to New York to buy goods for the spring season. He meets suit model Helen Asher and immediately proposes marriage, offering a diamond ring. Miss Asher, accustomed to advances from buyers, rebuffs him scornfully. After a dinner, Platt reveals a wedding ring, not a diamond, and she realizes his intentions were genuine. The chapter ends with Miss Asher excitedly planning to go with him to Cactus City.
Chapter 357
The Harbinger
Mr. Peters, a lazy loafer, conspires with his friends Ragsy and Kidd to steal a dollar from his wife, Mrs. Peters. After failed attempts at intimidation and deception, he tries a sentimental approach, calling her endearing names. Surprisingly, Mrs. Peters responds with affection, believing he is ill, and uses the dollar to buy him sarsaparilla. Mr. Peters is trapped in his own scheme, while his friends wait in vain for the money.
Chapter 358
The Day Resurgent
Danny McCree, a hard-working young man, grapples with the meaning of Easter Sunday while caring for his blind father, who longs to hear about the 'hippopotamus' from a history book. After a day of wandering and questioning, Danny realizes his father was referring to the Peloponnesus, and he reads to him from 'The History of Greece,' bringing comfort and connection.
Chapter 359
The Fool-Killer
The narrator recounts the legend of Jesse Holmes, the Fool-Killer, a mythic figure invoked in the South to punish fools. He describes his friend Kerner, a talented but foolish artist who has disinherited his wealthy father to marry a factory girl. The narrator calls Kerner a fool, and the Fool-Killer appears to threaten Kerner, but Kerner cannot see or hear him. The narrator confronts the Fool-Killer, arguing that he kills the wrong people—the bright and young rather than the truly foolish. The Fool-Killer relents, reconciles with Kerner (revealed to be his father), and the narrator leaves to search for the Fool-Killer.
Chapter 360
The Handbook of Hymen
Sanderson Pratt and Idaho, two miners, spend a winter snowed in, each studying a book: Pratt's 'Herkimer's Handbook of Indispensable Information' and Idaho's poetry by Homer K. M. After striking pay ore, they settle in Rosa, where both court the wealthy widow Mrs. De Ormond Sampson. Pratt uses his statistical knowledge to impress her, while Idaho's poetic advances offend her. When Mrs. Sampson's house catches fire, Pratt consults his handbook for rescue instructions.
Chapter 361
Brickdust Row
Blinker, a wealthy gentleman, is delayed in New York City by business matters and decides to escape to Coney Island. On the boat, he meets Florence, a millinery trimmer, and they spend the day together. During the return trip, their boat is struck by a steamer and begins to sink. In the chaos, Blinker declares his love for Florence, but she dismisses his declaration as something 'they all say.' The chapter explores themes of social class, romance, and the contrast between genuine emotion and superficiality.
Chapter 362
Sociology in Serge and Straw
The narrator critiques a sociologist's praise of the Van Plushvelt family as an 'uplift' symbol, pointing out the irony that young heir Haywood Van Plushvelt, dressed in neat, expensive clothes, confronts the ragged village boy 'Smoky' Dodson. Their verbal sparring escalates to a physical fight, highlighting class conflict and the circular nature of social progress.
Chapter 363
Girl
Hartley, a broker, tracks down Vivienne Arlington to propose a life in the suburbs. Vivienne hesitates, mentioning another suitor, Rafford Townsend. Hartley confronts Townsend and sends him away, then insists Vivienne accept him. She agrees on the condition that Hartley dismisses Héloise, a woman in his home. Hartley returns to his wife, who reveals that Vivienne is to be their new cook, and that Héloise must be fired for drunkenness.
Chapter 364
A Ruler of Men
The narrator encounters Kansas Bill Bowers, an old friend selling gadgets on a New York street. They reminisce, and Bill recounts his time in a tropical country with Barney O'Connor, an Irishman who becomes embroiled in a fake revolution orchestrated as a joke by locals. O'Connor believes he is fighting for a noble cause and a señorita, but the revolution is a hoax. After O'Connor's imprisonment, the narrator helps him escape, and O'Connor returns to New York still believing in the romance of his adventure.
Chapter 365
The Trimmed Lamp
The story contrasts the lives and philosophies of two young working women, Lou and Nancy, who move to the city from the country. Lou works in a laundry, earns good wages, and is content with her life and her faithful suitor Dan. Nancy works as a shopgirl for eight dollars a week, living frugally but determined to marry a wealthy, refined man. Despite her poverty, Nancy cultivates taste and ambition, while Lou enjoys financial independence. Nancy rejects a proposal from a millionaire's nephew because he lied, revealing her deeper values. The chapter explores their different paths and Nancy's steadfast pursuit of a 'catch' that meets her standards.
Chapter 366
The Higher Abdication
Curly, a hardened tramp, drifts into San Antonio and is taken in by rancher Ranse Truesdell, who attempts to reform him through discipline, work, and moral instruction. Despite Curly's resistance and relapses, Ranse persists in his efforts to 'make a man' out of him, revealing a deeper family secret that ties Curly to the Truesdell lineage.
Chapter 367
Calloway's Code
H.B. Calloway, a special correspondent for the New York Enterprise during the Russo-Japanese War, devises a clever code using common newspaper phrases to bypass a new censor and send crucial battle plans. The coded cablegram is deciphered by young reporter Vesey, leading to a major news beat.
Chapter 368
The Country of Elusion
Grainger, a subeditor, seeks escape in Bohemia after a trying day. He visits Mary Adrian, and they dine at Café André, a self-proclaimed Bohemian restaurant. The chapter satirizes the pretensions of Bohemian culture, contrasting its artificial freedom with Mary's return to her austere, religious family home in Crocusville.
Chapter 369
The Ethics of Pig
Jeff Peters recounts his attempt to find an honest partner for his 'unillegal' graft operations. He meets Rufe Tatum in the remote town of Mount Nebo, a man with a habit of stealing hogs. Jeff hires Rufe to work as his capper in a shell game, but Rufe's old habits resurface when he steals a pig from a circus sideshow. Jeff discovers a reward advertisement for the pig and attempts to claim it, only to find the ad was a fake. He kicks the pig away and reflects on the difficulty of finding a trustworthy partner, while defending his own moral code of 'legitimate speculation.'
Chapter 370
Compliments of the Season
A tramp named Fuzzy finds a lost rag-doll from a millionaire's mansion, returns it for a reward, but then insists on exchanging Christmas compliments with the lady of the house, recalling a forgotten code of gentlemanly conduct.
Chapter 371
Seats of the Haughty
The narrator recounts his failed attempts to entertain a wealthy but homesick Texas rancher, Solly, in St. Louis, Chicago, and New York. Despite lavish spending on saddles, shows, and nightlife, Solly remains miserable and longs for the simple life and bean joints of Atascosa City. The narrator eventually loses track of Solly, who finds contentment in a Third Avenue bean restaurant run by a plain young woman who knows how to catch a man's eye.
Chapter 372
The Purple Dress
Maida, a salesgirl at the Beehive Store, saves for months to buy a tailor-made purple dress for the Thanksgiving dinner, hoping to impress Mr. Ramsay, the head clerk. Her friend Grace, who has bought a red dress, faces eviction for owing $4 in rent, and Maida gives her the money she had saved to pay the dressmaker. On Thanksgiving, Maida stays home, believing her dress unfinished, but later learns from the dressmaker, Schlegel, that she can pay later. She dons the purple dress and walks in the rain, where she encounters Mr. Ramsay, who admires her dress and her healthful spirit.
Chapter 373
Past One at Rooney's
Cork McManus, a Capulet in the East Side gang wars, is hiding out after stabbing a Montagu. He meets a girl at Rooney's after hours, and they form a tentative bond. When a cop tries to arrest Cork, the girl reveals her true identity as a prostitute and bribes the officer to let him go, shattering Cork's romantic illusions.
Chapter 374
The Indian Summer of Dry Valley Johnson
Dry Valley Johnson, a former sheepman turned strawberry farmer, attempts to recapture his youth by courting the young Panchita O'Brien, dressing in youthful attire and adopting affected mannerisms. After witnessing Panchita mockingly imitate him, he abandons his charade and returns to his true self, only to find that Panchita may have genuinely cared for him.
Chapter 375
The Man Higher Up
Jeff Peters recounts his encounter with Bill Bassett, a burglar, and Alfred E. Ricks, a failed financier, after a bank robbery. Peters contrasts his own 'commercial' swindling with Bassett's laborious burglary and Ricks's failed capital schemes. After Ricks leaves, Peters and Bassett travel to Los Perros, where Peters marks all the playing cards in town and wins Bassett's money in a poker game. Peters later invests the winnings in a mining stock, which turns out to be signed by the same Alfred E. Ricks, now calling himself A. L. Fredericks.
Chapter 376
Proof of the Pudding
Editor Westbrook of the Minerva Magazine is enjoying a spring day in Madison Square when he is accosted by his old acquaintance, struggling fiction writer Shackleford Dawe. Dawe challenges Westbrook's editorial standards, arguing that characters in fiction should speak naturally, even banal, in moments of crisis, rather than with high-flown language. To prove his theory, Dawe proposes a cruel experiment: he will write a fake note to his devoted wife Louise claiming he has run off with another woman, and they will hide to observe her reaction. Westbrook reluctantly agrees. They go to Dawe's shabby flat, only to find a real note from Louise revealing that she has left him to join a traveling opera company, and that Mrs. Westbrook has gone with her. Dawe reacts with theatrical, high-flown grief, while Westbrook, stunned, can only utter banal, colloquial exclamations, ironically proving Dawe's point about natural speech in crisis.
Chapter 377
The Halberdier of the Little Rheinschloss
Waiter No. 18 recounts the story of a young man who works as a halberdier at the Little Rheinschloss restaurant. The halberdier, secretly a gentleman named Sir Percival Deering, endures menial labor and blistered hands to prove himself to a wealthy old man and win the hand of a young woman. After three months of service, the old man reveals it was a test, and the halberdier is reunited with the woman, who shows him affection.
Chapter 378
The Caballero's Way
The Cisco Kid, a notorious outlaw who has killed many men, is loved by Tonia Perez. Lieutenant Sandridge of the Texas Rangers is sent to capture him. Sandridge finds Tonia and begins a romance with her, unaware that the Kid is watching them from the pear thicket. The Kid, enraged by betrayal, writes a letter to Sandridge pretending to be from Tonia, luring him into a trap. Sandridge arrives at the jacal and shoots the figure he believes to be the Kid, but it is actually Tonia, who had been tricked by the Kid into wearing his hat and cloak. The Kid escapes, singing his song.
Chapter 379
The Ransom of Red Chief
Two small-time criminals, Sam and Bill Driscoll, kidnap the ten-year-old son of a prominent citizen in the small town of Summit, Alabama, hoping to collect a $2,000 ransom. However, the boy, who calls himself 'Red Chief,' proves to be wildly energetic and enjoys the adventure so much that he terrorizes his captors. After enduring his relentless games and abuse, the kidnappers lower their demand to $1,500, but the father counters by offering to take the boy back only if they pay him $250. Desperate to be rid of the child, they agree, pay the father, and flee the town.
Chapter 380
The Fifth Wheel
Thomas McQuade, a recently discharged coachman, finds himself in the Bed Line of homeless men on a cold night. He meets a fellow sufferer, and after a series of strange events involving a mysterious benefactor and a spiritualist named Professor Cherubusco, he is reunited with Annie, the Van Smuythe lady's maid, who has been searching for him. The chapter explores themes of deception, social class, and the twists of fate.
Chapter 381
The World and the Door
After a violent quarrel in which H. Ferguson Hedges is shot and believed dead, Ralph Merriam flees New York and eventually finds refuge and love with a mysterious woman, Mrs. Conant, in a remote coastal town. Their idyllic life is shattered when Hedges reappears alive, and Mrs. Conant discovers a newspaper report that her husband has divorced her for desertion, forcing both to confront their pasts.
Chapter 382
Phoebe
Captain Patricio Maloné recounts the story of Francis 'Bad-Luck' Kearny, a man who believes his misfortunes are caused by the star Phoebe, the ninth satellite of Saturn. Kearny joins Maloné's revolutionary expedition to Esperando, where they prepare to overthrow President Cruz. After a series of mishaps, including the loss of a Gatling gun, Kearny helps recover it and drills troops. However, their plans collapse when Don Rafael Valdevia dies. Later, Maloné learns from a professor that the real Phoebe is invisible to the naked eye, and Kearny's belief is based on a chance star. A year later, Maloné encounters Kearny married to a large woman named Phoebe, still unaware of the astronomical truth.
Chapter 383
Next to Reading Matter
Judson Tate recounts how he used his persuasive speech to woo Señorita Anabela Zamora on behalf of his handsome but tongue-tied friend Fergus McMahan, only to fall in love with her himself. After winning her affection through nightly conversations in the dark, he loses her when a cold robs him of his voice, and she elopes with Fergus.
Chapter 384
The Day We Celebrate
The narrator, 'Hop-along' Bibb, tells a story about his time stranded in the tropical town of Soledad, Costa Rica, with his companion Liverpool Sam. After working on a banana plantation and losing track of time, they return to town on a holiday they mistake for the Fourth of July. A reverend gives them money to celebrate, and they get into a fight over patriotism, only to learn it is actually Christmas Day.
Chapter 385
The Octopus Marooned
Jeff Peters recounts how he and his partner Andy Tucker formed a trust in Bird City, Texas, by creating a monopoly on the only safe drinking water after a flood. Their scheme unravels when Andy, after taking a drink of whiskey, is driven to oratory and delivers a temperance speech that convinces the entire town to sign a pledge, destroying their customer base.
Chapter 386
Jeff Peters as a Personal Magnet
Jeff Peters recounts his early days as a traveling medicine man under the alias Dr. Waugh-hoo, selling Resurrection Bitters in Fisher Hill, Arkansas. After being shut down by a constable for lacking a city license, he meets his old acquaintance Andy Tucker. Together they devise a scheme to cure the mayor of a fake illness using 'personal magnetism,' ultimately swindling him out of $250 and using the money as capital to go into business together.
Chapter 387
Modern Rural Sports
Jeff Peters recounts a story about him and his partner Andy Tucker attempting to swindle a wealthy, modern farmer named Ezra Plunkett. Jeff fails because the farmer is too educated and technologically advanced to fall for his schemes. Andy then succeeds by using a simple shell game, exploiting the farmer's nostalgia for the old days.
Chapter 388
The Chair of Philanthromathematics
Jeff Peters recounts his and Andy Tucker's venture into philanthropy after making $25,000 from a silver mine. They establish a free university in Floresville, Arizona, hiring professors and attracting students. The scheme proves profitable, and they ultimately split $31,000 each, revealing that the entire enterprise was a graft. Andy reveals that the mysterious Professor McCorkle was actually the faro dealer they had been working with.
Chapter 389
The Hand That Riles the World
Jeff Peters recounts a story to the narrator about a scheme to secure a U.S. Marshal appointment for Bill Humble through lobbying in Washington. Jeff and his partner Andy initially plan a straightforward bribe but are redirected to a female lobbyist, Mrs. Avery, who claims she can secure the appointment. Despite Jeff's skepticism about women in business, Mrs. Avery produces an official appointment—only for it to be for postmaster of Dade City, Florida, not the Marshal position. The scheme fails, and Jeff and Andy abandon the endeavor.
Chapter 390
The Exact Science of Matrimony
Jeff Peters recounts a matrimonial agency scheme he ran with Andy Tucker in Cairo, Illinois. They advertised a charming widow with $3,000 and property, using Mrs. Trotter as the bait. Suitors paid $2 to have their letters forwarded, netting over $5,000 in three months. When Mrs. Trotter falls in love with a suitor, William Wilkinson, who demands the $2,000, Andy reluctantly agrees to let her have it. The story ends with Jeff and Andy leaving town.
Chapter 391
A Midsummer Masquerade
Jeff Peters recounts a summer vacation with his partner Andy Tucker at the Woodchuck Inn in Crow Knob, where they encounter old acquaintance Smoke-’em-out Smithers, who has falsely advertised that the Duke of Marlborough and Lieutenant Peary will be guests. To save his business, Smithers convinces Jeff and Andy to impersonate the two celebrities. Andy's drunken, rambling performance as both the Duke and the explorer quickly unravels, causing the female boarders to leave. Despite the failed scheme, Jeff and Andy manage to win $1,100 from Smithers playing cards, turning their would-be rest into a profitable venture.
Chapter 392
Shearing the Wolf
Jeff Peters recounts a scheme where he and Andy Tucker, posing as horse drovers on vacation in Grassdale, Kentucky, befriend a hardware merchant named Murkison. Murkison receives a green goods letter and plans to go to Chicago to outwit the swindlers. Jeff and Andy pretend to accompany him to prevent the swindle, but instead Jeff pulls a gun, takes Murkison's $2,000, and lectures him on his hypocrisy, leaving him behind. Andy later questions Jeff's motives, revealing a moral disagreement between them.
Chapter 393
Innocents of Broadway
Jeff Peters recounts a story about a naive New York cigar store owner who insists on entrusting him with $5,000, leading to a moral dilemma for Jeff and his partner Andy Tucker as they grapple with their professional ethics and the peculiar nature of New York City's gullible inhabitants.
Chapter 394
Conscience in Art
Jeff Peters recounts a scheme with his partner Andy Tucker to swindle a Pittsburgh millionaire by stealing his ivory carving and then selling it back to him, with Andy's elaborate ruse designed to satisfy Jeff's conscience.
Chapter 395
The Memento
Miss Lynnette D'Armande, a former leading lady, sits in her room at the Hotel Thalia darning a stocking while reflecting on her career. Her friend Rosalie Ray visits and recounts her recent romantic experience in Soundport, where she posed as a refined young woman and fell for a minister named Arthur Lyle. After discovering that Arthur treasured a secret memento from a previous ideal love, Rosalie sneaks a look at the rosewood box and finds it contains one of her own yellow silk garters from her vaudeville act, prompting her to leave in disillusionment.
Chapter 396
The Enchanted Profile
Ida Bates recounts her brief, luxurious stay with the wealthy but frugal Maggie Brown, who took her in and lavished her with expensive clothes and a grand banquet, only to suddenly economize and move them to a cheap rooming house. Ida eventually leaves and returns to her job at the Acropolis hotel, where she reconnects with a newspaper artist named Lathrop, whom she met at the banquet. The story ends with the narrator revealing that Ida's profile resembles the head on a silver dollar, explaining Maggie Brown's fascination with her.
Chapter 397
A Night in New Arabia
The narrator introduces the concept of New York City as a modern-day Bagdad, overrun by wealthy 'caliphs' who dispense charity in ways that often miss the mark. The story focuses on Jacob Spraggins, a self-made millionaire who, after amassing a fortune, seeks to alleviate his conscience through philanthropy. His attempts at large-scale charity and honorary degrees leave him unsatisfied, so he turns to personal, hands-on giving. Meanwhile, a subplot introduces Celia, a young heiress living incognito as a maid, who becomes infatuated with the grocer's delivery boy, Thomas McLeod, and schemes to win his affection without revealing her wealth.
Chapter 398
The Headhunter
The narrator, a former war correspondent in the Philippines, becomes fascinated by the headhunting tribes of Mindanao and their simple, brutal philosophy of winning love by presenting severed heads. Upon returning to the coastal village of Mojada, he courts Chloe Greene, who expresses a preference for men who show love through small, thoughtful gestures rather than grand heroic acts. In a surreal and violent climax, the narrator beheads his rival Louis Devoe and presents the head to Chloe, who initially praises him for remembering her 'little wishes' before the head transforms into a coconut, revealing the scene as a fantasy or dream.
Chapter 399
The Moment of Victory
The narrator recounts the story of Willie Robbins, a seemingly meek man from San Augustine who transforms into a war hero during the Spanish-American War. Driven by ambition for fame and promotion, Robbins distinguishes himself through reckless bravery, leading dangerous missions and capturing a Spanish general. The narrative contrasts his thirst for glory with the narrator's own disillusionment with the war's absurdity and waste of life. The chapter also touches on Robbins's unrequited love for Myra Allison, who dismisses him before the war, and the social dynamics of San Augustine.
Chapter 400
The Rose of Dixie
Colonel Aquila Telfair, editor of the Southern magazine 'The Rose of Dixie,' defends his editorial choices against the criticisms of Thacker, a business-minded promoter. Thacker argues for a universal appeal and high-quality contributions regardless of author pedigree, while the colonel insists on Southern connections and tradition. The chapter satirizes the magazine's regional bias and the tension between literary merit and commercial viability.
Chapter 401
Buried Treasure
The narrator, a self-described fool of the sentimental sort, recounts his pursuit of May Martha Mangum, a beautiful young woman in a Texas prairie town, and his rivalry with the learned Goodloe Banks. After May Martha and her father disappear, the narrator and Goodloe search for her in vain. The narrator then becomes obsessed with a supposed treasure map from 1863, leading to a falling out with Goodloe. He follows the map alone, finds no treasure, but instead discovers May Martha living with her father in a hidden valley. They reunite, marry, and build a happy life together, while the narrator reflects on the uselessness of excessive education.
Chapter 402
The Last of the Troubadours
Sam Galloway, a wandering troubadour, leaves the Rancho Altito after a three-month visit and rides to the sheep ranch of old man Ellison, the 'Last of the Barons.' He is warmly welcomed and stays on, enjoying peace, appreciation, and a life of leisure, singing songs and telling stories for his grateful host. The chapter contrasts the troubadour's artistic, idle life with the world of workers and barons, and introduces the looming threat of the cattleman King James.
Chapter 403
Strictly Business
Bob Hart, a vaudeville performer, discovers Winona Cherry, an actress whose performance perfectly matches his vision for the lead in his long-held sketch 'Mice Will Play.' After collaborating and forming the team Hart & Cherry, an on-stage accident during their debut performance leads to Hart being shot in the neck. As he recovers, he learns from friend Vincente that Cherry is distraught with love for him, but Hart reveals they have been secretly married for two years.
Chapter 404
What You Want
James Turner, a poor hat cleaner with a passion for Clark Russell's sea novels, finds relief from his aching feet by reading in his small room. One evening, he is approached by Old Tom Crowley, a wealthy soap manufacturer who, bored with his riches, decides to play the role of a modern-day caliph by offering to fund Turner's education. Turner, suspicious and proud, rebuffs him, leading to a physical fight and both being arrested. When Crowley later offers to bail him out, Turner refuses, content with his own simple idea of happiness.
Chapter 405
The Hiding of Black Bill
A man named Ham recounts to his friend Snipy how he took a job as a sheepherder on a remote Texas ranch owned by a mysterious little man named H. Ogden. Through conversation and card games, Ham subtly reveals that he knows Ogden is actually the train robber Black Bill, but he assures Ogden that his secret is safe. The story explores themes of loyalty, deception, and the unexpected bonds formed between outlaws.
Chapter 406
Schools and Schools
A story exploring the contrast between formal education and practical wisdom, likely through character interactions that highlight different kinds of knowledge and learning.
Chapter 407
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 408
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 409
III
John Pescud recounts to the narrator how he met and pursued his future wife, Jessie Allyn, after seeing her on a train. He followed her to her family's dilapidated but grand Virginia estate, won over her proud father Colonel Allyn with his honesty and humor, and eventually secured a place at Elmcroft.
Chapter 410
IV
The narrator and John Pescud arrive at Coketown, a bleak, rain-soaked industrial stop. Pescud explains he is getting off to find petunias for his wife Jessie, reminiscent of her old Virginia home. The narrator reflects on life's boundless nature and wishes Pescud luck.
Chapter 411
V
After their wedding ceremony, Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert Warren ride home in a closed carriage. Gilbert reveals that the letter Nevada received earlier contained a simple correction about a flower—it was a hydrangea, not a lilac. Nevada dismisses it, noting the joke is on Barbara.
Chapter 412
The Discounters of Money
Young millionaire Howard Pilkins, who believes money can buy anything, is rejected by Alice von der Ruysling, a proud aristocrat from an old but impoverished family. After his proposal is spurned, he encounters a young Southern couple who have eloped to New York but lost their money. Despite offering help, they refuse his cash out of pride. Pilkins arranges for the girl to stay with Alice, but his encounter with the couple and Alice's rejection challenge his faith in the power of money.
Chapter 413
He Also Serves
The narrator recounts tales from Hunky Magee, a camp-follower of fortune, who tells of his adventures with High Jack Snakefeeder, a Cherokee man educated at a Pennsylvania college. They travel to Mexico and encounter a stone idol that resembles High Jack, and a mysterious girl who leads High Jack away. Hunky later reveals the girl became his wife.
Chapter 414
The Third Ingredient
Hetty Pepper, recently fired from her job at a department store, returns to her cheap room in the Vallambrosa apartment-house with only a piece of rib beef and fifteen cents. She plans to make a beef stew but discovers she has no potatoes or onions. After borrowing potatoes from a neighbor, she encounters a young man on the stairs carrying an onion. Through persuasion and a shared sense of hardship, she convinces him to contribute the onion to the stew, revealing that the young man had recently saved a girl from drowning—the same girl who turns out to be Hetty's friend in the room. The story underscores themes of camaraderie among the down-and-out and the necessity of the 'third ingredient' to complete a meal and a connection.
Chapter 415
Thimble, Thimble
The chapter introduces the Carteret family, blending Virginia aristocracy with Yankee commerce, and follows the arrival of old Uncle Jake, a faithful former slave, who travels to New York to deliver a heirloom watch to his 'young Marster Blandford.' The story shifts to a comedic and dramatic scene involving a marriage proposal, a lady named Olivia De Ormond, and the two Carteret cousins, Blandford and John, as they navigate honor, love, and social codes.
Chapter 416
Helping the Other Fellow
The narrator recounts a conversation with William Trotter on the beach at Aguas Frescas, where Trotter shares a condensed oral autobiography. The chapter reflects on the theme of helping others and the irony of whether those who help others can help themselves.
Chapter 417
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 418
III
John Pescud recounts to the narrator how he met and pursued his future wife, Jessie Allyn, after seeing her on a train. He followed her to her family's dilapidated but grand Virginia estate, won over her proud father Colonel Allyn with his honesty and humor, and eventually secured a place at Elmcroft.
Chapter 419
IV
The narrator and John Pescud arrive at Coketown, a bleak, rain-soaked industrial stop. Pescud explains he is getting off to find petunias for his wife Jessie, reminiscent of her old Virginia home. The narrator reflects on life's boundless nature and wishes Pescud luck.
Chapter 420
Supply and Demand
The chapter explores the economic principle of supply and demand through two intertwined narratives: a small girl's honest request for money from Finch, and a tale of a con game involving gold-dust, mirrors, and a miserly king among the Peche Indians. The story contrasts genuine human needs with manipulative economic schemes, ultimately showing the power of demand when people recognize their own desires.
Chapter 421
To Him Who Waits
The Hermit of the Hudson, a man who has lived in a cave for ten years after being jilted by Edith Carr, receives a visit from Beatrix Trenholme, the youngest and fairest of the Trenholme sisters, who expresses admiration for his lifestyle. Later, his former friend Binkley visits and reveals that he married Edith for her family's financial needs, and that Edith later divorced him. Edith herself then appears, seeking forgiveness and hinting at a desire to reunite, but the hermit rejects her, having been captivated by Beatrix. In the end, he descends to the Viewpoint Inn only to learn that Binkley is marrying Beatrix Trenholme that very evening.
Chapter 422
The Higher Pragmatism
A philosophical tale exploring the practical application of pragmatism in everyday life, where characters navigate moral dilemmas and social expectations through a lens of practical reasoning.
Chapter 423
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 424
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 425
Bestseller
A satirical look at the literary market's demand for bestsellers, exploring the mechanics of popular fiction and the often absurd lengths authors and publishers go to in order to produce a hit.
Chapter 426
I
The narrator recounts a train journey to Pittsburgh where he unexpectedly reunites with an old acquaintance, John A. Pescud, a traveling salesman for a plate-glass company. The chapter introduces Pescud's character and sets the stage for a deeper conversation about his views on life and romance.
Chapter 427
II
John Pescud critiques popular bestselling novels that feature American heroes romancing European princesses, arguing that such stories are unrealistic and inconsistent with real-life social classes and behavior. He insists that people marry within their own station and that fiction should reflect this truth.
Chapter 428
III
John Pescud recounts to the narrator how he met and pursued his future wife, Jessie Allyn, after seeing her on a train. He followed her to her family's dilapidated but grand Virginia estate, won over her proud father Colonel Allyn with his honesty and humor, and eventually secured a place at Elmcroft.
Chapter 429
IV
The narrator and John Pescud arrive at Coketown, a bleak, rain-soaked industrial stop. Pescud explains he is getting off to find petunias for his wife Jessie, reminiscent of her old Virginia home. The narrator reflects on life's boundless nature and wishes Pescud luck.
Chapter 430
No Story
The narrator, a space-work reporter for the Morning Beacon, is approached by Tripp, a miserable and whiskey-dependent employee from the mechanical department, who claims to have a great story about a beautiful young woman from Long Island who came to New York looking for her lost love, George Brown. The narrator reluctantly accompanies Tripp to a boardinghouse where they meet Miss Ada Lowery, who is engaged to marry Hiram Dodd but still pines for George, with whom she split a dime as a token of fidelity. The narrator convinces her to return home, spending his own money on her ferry ticket. After seeing her off, the narrator discovers that Tripp himself is George Brown, revealed by the half-dime he carries. Despite his earlier resolve, the narrator gives Tripp a dollar for whiskey.
Chapter 431
A Poor Rule
The narrator and his rivals, Bud Cunningham and Jacks, compete for the affections of Ileen Hinkle, a beautiful but self-proclaimed truth-seeker who claims to despise flattery. They each offer her what they believe to be honest, understated compliments, which she rewards with smiles. A new rival, the eloquent lawyer C. Vincent Vesey, arrives and threatens their chances. Ileen's father suggests a test: she will ask each suitor for a frank opinion of her singing voice, believing the one who tells the truth is most worthy. The three rivals rejoice, confident that Vesey's flattery will fail the test.
Chapter 432
Rus in Urbe
The narrator, a press-agent for Binkly & Bing, defends his choice to stay in New York City during the summer to his wealthy friend Spencer Grenville North, who extols the virtues of his Adirondack camp. The narrator argues that the city is the finest summer resort, but eventually reveals his true motive: he has fallen for actress Annie Ashton.
Chapter 433
The Venturers
Two men, Ives and Forster, bond over their shared desire for unpredictable adventures and disdain for life's predetermined outcomes. After both find themselves penniless, they decide to dine together at a hotel and flip a coin to see who will face the consequences of not paying. Their conversation explores the thrill of taking risks without knowing the outcome. Later, Ives visits Mary, who is unchanged and waiting for him, but he remains restless. Forster decides to travel abroad, breaking off his engagement, while Ives claims to have found the ultimate hazard in life.
Chapter 434
A Municipal Report
The narrator arrives in Nashville, Tennessee, and encounters a variety of characters, including an old Negro hack driver named Uncle Caesar, a poor but refined Southern lady named Azalea Adair, and a boorish drunkard, Major Wentworth Caswell. He negotiates a writing contract with Miss Adair, witnesses her collapse, and becomes entangled in a mysterious dollar bill that links several people. The chapter ends with hints of deception, poverty, and impending violence.
Chapter 435
A Christmas Pi
The narrator, a writer who has never written a Christmas story, recounts his annual cycle of promising to write one and failing. On Christmas Eve, he encounters a man about to throw a brick into a pawnbroker's window, whom he initially tries to stop. The man reveals he is actually a magazine writer seeking a real story by getting arrested, and the narrator jokingly identifies himself as a plumber named John Horner.
Chapter 436
A Technical Error
The narrator recounts his involvement in an Indian Territory feud between the Durkees and Tatums. After Ben Tatum kills Sam Durkee's brother Lester and runs off with Sam's girl Ella Baynes, Sam and the narrator pursue them. The chase is governed by an unwritten code that forbids shooting a man when he is with a woman, which Ben exploits for safety. They overtake the fugitives twice but cannot act. Sam eventually considers a loophole, but the story breaks off before the resolution.
Chapter 437
Let Me Feel Your Pulse
The narrator, suffering from a range of imagined ailments, seeks cures through various doctors and sanitariums, only to find each remedy more absurd than the last. After a failed stay at a sanitarium and a seaside hotel, he visits his relative John in the Blue Ridge Mountains, where his health begins to improve despite his resistance. Finally, a mountain doctor prescribes a unique treatment: hunting for a rare flowering plant together in the hills.
Chapter 438
The Friendly Call
The narrator, a hardware salesman, visits Simon Bell in Saltillo, Colorado, to inform him of a business opportunity. Bell introduces him to his friend George Ringo, a flamboyant and surly man with a long scar on his hand. The narrator stays at Bell's home, where he overhears a quarrel between Bell and his wife. Later, Bell recounts the history of his unique friendship with Ringo, based on strict reciprocity and mutual aid, including a story about burying a dead man and a scheme to divert a widow's romantic interest.
Chapter 439
The Snow Man
The narrator, snowbound at the Bay Horse Ranch with Ross Curtis, reflects on the transformative and often maddening effects of snow. A stranded opera singer turned palmist, Etienne Girod, stumbles in, and tensions rise as the cook, George, takes decisive action to protect a young woman from the deteriorating situation, ultimately riding off with her to safety.
Chapter 440
Law and Order
Bud Oakley, office deputy of Mojada County, Texas, recounts the story of his friend Luke Summers, a sheriff who embodies both law and order. Luke's wife leaves him and takes their son, but Luke obtains a legal decree granting him custody. However, his wife flees with the child before he can enforce it. Years later, Luke becomes sheriff and Bud his deputy. When they arrest a young man for shooting Pedro Johnson, Bud reveals the prisoner is Luke's long-lost son. Luke joyfully reclaims him, but the boy's mother had already absconded with him again, leaving Luke with only the decree as a symbol of his parental rights.
Chapter 441
An Unfinished Christmas Story
The narrator reflects on the nature of Christmas stories and introduces a tale set in a furnished room house on West 'Teenth Street. He describes his encounter with the landlady, Mrs. Kannon, who leases three adjoining houses and answers all three doors. The story then focuses on Harry Stickney, a young man working in a camera store, who experiences Christmas as just another day due to his loneliness and limited means.
Chapter 442
The Unprofitable Servant
The narrator reflects on how four newspaper men report the same incident in wildly different ways, then draws a parallel to the biblical parable of the talents. The story then focuses on Cliff McGowan, a gifted but untrained dancer, who is taken under the wing of professional dancer Del Delano (Crowley) to prepare for amateur night at Creary's Theatre, where his talent might finally be properly used.
Chapter 443
A Fog in Santone
On a foggy night in San Antonio, two terminally ill men—Goodall of Memphis and Hurd of Toledo—meet on a bridge and bond over their shared mortality. Hurd proposes a drunken spree as a quicker route to death, and they drink heavily at a bar. Goodall later encounters a young woman, Miss Rosa, who comforts him and urges him to live. The fog symbolizes the pervasive threat of death hanging over the city's three thousand invalids.
Chapter 444
The Dream
Murray, a condemned man awaiting execution in the electric chair, reflects on his fate and the other prisoners in Limbo Lane. As the hour of his death approaches, he experiences a vivid dream of a peaceful life with a wife and child, only to realize too late that he has dreamed the wrong dream. The chapter includes O. Henry's own notes on his intention to write a new, more serious style of story.
Chapter 445
Endnotes
A collection of endnotes providing explanatory references and humorous asides related to the stories in the book, including a note on a famous Texas legal case, a satirical reference to Rev. Sam Jones, repeated citations to dining advertisements, and a journalistic joke about the word 'unfortunate' and its modern complement.

Lord Oakhurst’s Curse

I

II

III: The Curse

Bexar Scrip No. 2692

Queries and Answers

Aristocracy Versus Hash

Fickle Fortune or How Gladys Hustled

A Strange Story

The Great French Detective, in Austin

I

II

III

Tracked to Doom

A Snapshot at the President

Three Paragraphs

A Lunar Episode

The Sensitive Colonel Jay

The Distraction of Grief

A Sporting Interest

Had a Use for It

The Old Landmark

Getting at the Facts

Too Wise

Answers to Inquiries

Hush Money

Relieved

A Villainous Trick

Book Reviews

A Conditional Pardon

Bill Nye

A Guarded Secret

A Universal Favorite

Willing to Compromise

Ridiculous

Guessed Everything Else

A Slight Mistake

A Good Story Spoiled

Revenge

No Help for It

Not So Much a Tam Fool

A Guess-Proof Mystery Story

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Chapter IV

Chapter V

An Inspiration

Coming to Him

His Pension

The Winner

Hungry Henry's Ruse

One Consolation

An Unsuccessful Experiment

Even Worse

The Shock

The Cynic

Speaking of Big Winds

An Original Idea

Calculations

A Valedictory

Solemn Thoughts

Explaining It

Her Failing

A Disagreement

An Expensive Veracity

Grounds for Uneasiness

Recognition

His Doubt

A Cheering Thought

What It Was

Identified

Red Conlin's Eloquence

Marvelous

The Stranger's Appeal

The Colonel’s Romance

A Narrow Escape

A Years Supply

Slightly Mixed

Knew What Was Needed