Poetry · Chapters
Chapters explained
Chapter companions for Poetry by Ambrose Bierce.
Chapter 1
Poetry
A chapter exploring the nature and purpose of poetry, likely through satirical or philosophical commentary on artistic expression and its reception.
Chapter 2
Shapes of Clay
A satirical and allegorical chapter that explores themes of justice, hypocrisy, and the absurdity of human institutions through a series of vignettes involving clay figures, divine judgment, and political manipulation.
Chapter 3
Dedication
The author dedicates the book to his young friends and pupils, George Sterling and Herman Scheffauer, expressing pride, faith, and affection.
Chapter 4
The Passing Show
The narrator describes a dreamlike vision of a bustling city with grand architecture and a cemetery, reflecting on mortality and the pursuit of fame. The scene then shifts to a desolate, melancholic landscape by a dead sea, where a lone wolf howls on a broken tomb, evoking a sense of doom and desolation.
Chapter 5
I
The chapter opens with a satirical observation about the prevalence of hypocrisy in the United States, suggesting that if all hypocrites were incapacitated, the country would be vulnerable to invasion.
Chapter 6
II
The chapter presents a philosophical aphorism equating dogmatism's view of the spirit of inquiry with the spirit of evil, using the image of a tail appended to represent the note of interrogation.
Chapter 7
Elixir Vitae
The narrator dreams of having written the elixir of life and falling into a centuries-long sleep. As generations pass, they observe him with varying interpretations. Eventually, a generation discovers immortality, leading to the decapitation of women to conserve space, and peace ascends. The narrator awakens and crumbles to dust.
Chapter 8
Convalescent
The narrator reflects on being declared 'out of danger' and interprets this as a form of death, listing all the negative human traits and natural forces that no longer threaten him.
Chapter 9
At the Close of the Canvass
A venerable prophet warns politicians, editors, and orators to cease their lying and shouting before Election Day, predicting the shame and regret that will follow when the campaign madness ends and former opponents must face each other.
Chapter 10
Novum Organum
The poem reflects on Francis Bacon's legacy, portraying him as the peak of Anglo-Saxon intellect and crime. Upon his death, Nature distributes his attributes to his heirs: a bit of brain and a bit of greed, which they bury to cultivate vice.
Chapter 11
Geotheos
A lyrical poem celebrating the eternal beauty of the natural world—mountains, seas, forests, and valleys—urging the reader to sing ancient songs of praise without questioning their meaning, as the Earth remains as fair as in primordial times.
Chapter 12
Politics
A poetic critique of political sycophancy and corruption, describing how flatterers rise to power by deceiving the populace, only to eventually exploit and consume those they once flattered.
Chapter 13
The Valley of Dry Bones
A satirical poem describing a landscape covered in crow bones, where a politician (identified as Dave Hill) confesses to having consumed the entire bird—feathers and all—out of political necessity, and attempts to fly by flapping his arms.
Chapter 14
Polyphemus
A sick young man with a single eye, an ex-West Point cadet, laments his injury from a cannon that misfired both forward and backward, ruining his military prospects and leaving him in despair.
Chapter 15
In Defense
A satirical poem defending American women against British criticism for marrying British nobles, arguing that the practice is popular because it is considered English, and that British women also pursue wealthy matches.
Chapter 16
Invocation
A poem recited at the 1888 Independence Day celebration in San Francisco, addressing the Goddess of Liberty and ultimately turning to a plea for divine guidance. It critiques the cold indifference of Liberty, contrasts it with a more compassionate God, and warns against the dangers of mob rule, greed, and political corruption, while affirming a conditional freedom dependent on moral worth.
Chapter 17
Religion
A poor, ragged man named Hassan Bedreddin seeks entry to the great temple of God but is beaten and driven out by worshippers. He cries out to Allah, who replies that the temple is the one place where He is not present.
Chapter 18
Two Socialists
Brand Whitlock travels through space after being freed from Hell, encountering a foul, abandoned planet where the sole occupant is the Impenitent Thief. Whitlock offers him pardon, and the Thief immediately escapes into space, later found joyfully carrying stolen post-holes.
Chapter 19
A Morning Fancy
The narrator describes a dreamlike vision of drifting in a boat on a shoreless, translucent sea, through which he can see a vast nether world containing cities, forests, armies, and strange sea creatures. The scene is eerie and surreal, and upon waking, he makes a cryptic remark to the woman bringing him chocolate.
Chapter 20
Visions of Sin
The narrator, recovering his sight in Siberia, anticipates returning home to witness a panorama of moral corruption and hypocrisy, including corrupt doctors, judges, lawyers, preachers, and domestic abuse, ending with a possible glimpse of Oscar Wilde.
Chapter 21
Genius
The chapter explores the elusive nature of genius, rejecting conventional definitions such as directed ability, infinite capacity for hard work, or degeneracy. Instead, it humorously proposes that true genius is the ability to prosper materially, equating literary greatness with physical stoutness and commercial success.
Chapter 22
The Town of Dae
A poetic tale of Picklepip, a poor king living under an inverted tun in the squalid town of Dae, who is confronted by the silk-clad Lady Minnow. She teases him about marriage, and despite his protests of poverty and loneliness, she reveals her affection. Overcome by love's revelation, Picklepip transcends his material concerns, symbolized by a stricken star and the moon, as love blesses the town.
Chapter 23
An Anarchist
The chapter presents a poetic critique of an anarchist who has betrayed his artistic calling and divine purpose. Once a master of the harp and a source of divine harmony, he now produces only discordant, raucous sounds as he stubbornly persists in advocating wrong. The angels and even Israfel, the celestial musician, look upon his fallen state with sorrow and compassion, covering their ears to the noise.
Chapter 24
An Offer of Marriage
The narrator envisions a future where an Emancipated Woman, having evolved beyond all worthy partners, laments her solitude and the dilemma of either reverting to an undeveloped species or becoming extinct. A strange, featherless biped—Plato's Man, an Emancipated Rooster—appears and offers himself as a mate, prompting the narrator to withdraw from this vision and compose a satirical poem about the paradoxes of evolution and emancipation.
Chapter 25
Arma Virumque
The chapter satirizes the contradiction between Christian identity and military violence, questioning how an army or navy can claim to be Christian while engaging in warfare. It calls for a deeper understanding of what it truly means to be Christian, rather than a superficial association with brass buttons and guns.
Chapter 26
On a Proposed Crematory
The narrator satirizes the proposed crematory by comparing it to a bridge that a fool first crosses. He proposes to select the fittest candidates for cremation, targeting hypocritical religious figures who opposed cremation on the grounds of sacrilege, and imagines them being burned together as fuel for the furnace.
Chapter 27
A Demand
The speaker, presumably a poet, demands that 'Dear Mat' fulfill a promise to paint a picture in exchange for a payment in rhyme. The speaker accuses Mat of breaking a contract, being stingy, and lacking generosity, threatening to raise a clamor among the Muses on Parnassus if the debt is not paid.
Chapter 28
The Weather Wight
The narrator struggles through a dark, stormy night, hears the ocean's roar, and prays for mariners. A mysterious voice offers shelter, leading him to a hovel where a thin old man explains he runs a Weather Bureau using only his corns to forecast the weather, scornful of instruments. The narrator's skeptical questions provoke the old man's angry retreat when he perceives a storm in the narrator's eye.
Chapter 29
T. A. H.
A poetic reflection on a friend's life and death, portraying him as a flawed but grand figure who faced a devastating blow with stoic silence, indulging in revelry and defiance before dying with a smile.
Chapter 30
My Monument
The narrator reflects on the desire for posthumous fame and a monument built from the critical reviews of his work, hoping that critics will wait until after his death to judge him.
Chapter 31
Mad
A satirical poem condemning the public's adulation of a morally corrupt singer, accusing society of hypocrisy, misplaced values, and defying divine law for entertainment.
Chapter 32
For Coercion of Colombia
A poetic depiction of a formidable naval fleet sailing south, prompting a sailorman's cryptic reflection on the uncertainty and mental unrest that accompanies such displays of power.
Chapter 33
A Teagoing Admiral
The Queen of Nether China declares her plan to create a naval hero through promotion and manipulation, only to later humiliate him by unfrocking him, illustrating the absurdity of fame and power.
Chapter 34
The Wooer
A satirical poem about courtship rituals in Ballybazoo and Ghargharoo, where a metal-faced maiden rejects suitors until a stranger with a specially hardened heel successfully woos her, ending with a nod to a modern newspaper man's ancestry.
Chapter 35
Silhouettes of Orientals
A satirical poem that caricatures various ethnic and religious groups, including the Sultan (a muscular Mahometan), the Bulgarian angel, the Armenian, and the Macedonian, using exaggerated stereotypes and dark humor to critique their perceived traits and behaviors.
Chapter 36
Land of the Pilgrim's Pride
The narrator dreams of being accused of lacking patriotism and love for his country. He defends himself by describing the violent discord, corruption, and moral decay he sees in the nation, including bombings, mob violence, cowardly rulers, a flattering press, and women losing their morality in futile efforts. The dream ends with a bomb awakening him, and he flees into the night.
Chapter 37
A Single Termer
A satirical poem about Senator Foraker's death and his confident expectation of entering Heaven, only to be locked inside by Saint Peter.
Chapter 38
A Plague of Asses
The chapter laments the decline of literary standards, criticizing the prevalence of poor poetry and slang in journals. It satirizes unskilled versifiers and expresses a wish that they might lose their ability to write verse, thereby restoring prose and earning divine approval.
Chapter 39
In Cuba
The narrator reflects on the creation of a new nation in Cuba under the current administration, only to be confronted by a raven that gleefully anticipates feeding on soldiers rather than the nation itself. The poem critiques the administration's hypocrisy and the grim reality behind the facade of freedom.
Chapter 40
For a Certain Critic
The narrator satirizes literary critics who parasitically interpret and overanalyze poetry, missing the spontaneous essence of the work, and compares them to a showman who profits from displaying a lion, suggesting the absurdity of critics writing about those who could never write about them.
Chapter 41
To a Summer Poet
The narrator satirizes the clichés and repetitive themes of summer poetry, mocking the poet's focus on trivial, seasonal observations and dismissing their artistic value as unoriginal and financially unrewarding.
Chapter 42
Arthur McEwen
The chapter reflects on how posterity will view Arthur McEwen, dismissing him as a mere 'Scarabaeus Sisyphus'—a tumble-bug without its ball—until a sage corrects them, revealing that the bug and ball are one, suggesting a deeper unity in his work.
Chapter 43
Charles and Peter
Charles A. Dana rises from the dead on Judgment Day and flies to Heaven, where he finds Saint Peter asleep at the gate. Dana insists on entering but is dissatisfied with Heaven's lack of Hell, claiming he would find it boring. Peter reluctantly lets him in, noting that Dana would create a hell wherever he goes.
Chapter 44
Contemplation
The narrator muses from a graveyard, observing the sun, a cross's shadow, lupins, quail, and a bee among roses, reflecting on mortality and the repose of an enemy.
Chapter 45
The Golden Age
A nostalgic poem reflecting on a lost golden age when virtue, truth, honor, and beauty flourished, contrasting with the present world of corruption and woe. The speaker recalls a time of wise sages, angelic women, and hopeful mornings, lamenting the inevitable decline and his own distant youth.
Chapter 46
A Prophet of Peace
A prophet chants a poem lamenting the wickedness of the world—where hate, greed, and war prevail—but expresses hope for a future golden dawn of peace and brotherhood. The narrative places this prophet in ancient times, around the era of Tubal-cain.
Chapter 47
An Unreformable Reformer
The narrator reflects on the futility of forced spelling reforms, comparing them to other forms of compulsion and control. He satirizes the President's interference in nature and law, and concludes with a lament on the madness of the world.
Chapter 48
The Word-Way in Panama
The narrator dreams of sailing along a tropic shore where a bizarre river flows not with water but with words and parts of speech. The stream is choked with grammatical errors and linguistic chaos, a parody of verbose and empty rhetoric. Overwhelmed by the cacophony, the narrator awakens in terror.
Chapter 49
The Jack of Clubs
The chapter satirizes Jerome, a District Attorney, praising his fame while criticizing his loudness and hypocrisy. It suggests he should hide his inner monsters rather than display them, using the metaphor of a menagerie to critique his reformist zeal.
Chapter 50
A Naval Method
A satirical poem about Captain Purvis, who captures a sleeping Filipino spy and tortures him by pumping him full of water until he dies. Instead of punishment, Captain Purvis is rewarded with a high-ranking naval desk job, highlighting the absurdity and corruption of military justice.
Chapter 51
Another Aspirant
The poem warns George Dewey against pursuing Miss Columbia, citing the failed romantic and political pursuits of McKinley, Bryan, and Teddy Roosevelt, and ultimately advising him to set sail again.
Chapter 52
A Learner
The speaker confesses their inexperience in love, likening themselves to a mariner stranded among a foreign people. They plead for patience as they learn the language of love, claiming they can already read a kiss before it is spoken.
Chapter 53
To Bridget
The narrator addresses Bridget with news of the Fenians threatening the Pope, expressing confusion and conflict between loyalty to Ireland and the Catholic Church, using humor and dialect to highlight the absurdity of the situation.
Chapter 54
After Tennyson
The narrator reflects on the corruption and decay of society, where honor is dead, law is despised, and crime is rampant. He expresses a desire to escape to Alaska if justice ever prevails, sarcastically noting he would run for office in the North.
Chapter 55
To My Bird
The narrator addresses a parrot, lamenting that the bird merely repeats what it has been taught and feeds on the narrator's mind, leaving it a wreck. The narrator sarcastically invites the parrot to feast on his virtues, noting that his vices would disagree with the bird as they do with himself.
Chapter 56
Business
Two high-ranking villains attempt to rob a bank but find it impenetrable. Instead, they buy stock in the bank and become its President and Cashier, using their positions for crime. The narrator admits to overdrawing and fleeing.
Chapter 57
A Possibility
The chapter speculates on a world without love, where the absence of romantic affection would turn humans into solitary, wise but lonely creatures, ending all poetry and courtship.
Chapter 58
To a Censor
The speaker addresses a censor, arguing that their satire attacks abstractions rather than real individuals, and that true reform requires naming and shaming specific corrupt persons. The poem critiques the cowardice of impersonal criticism and urges the censor to target actual offenders instead of vague concepts.
Chapter 59
The Whole World Kin
The chapter opens with a poem lamenting the corruption and injustice of the courts, where liars, brutes, cowards, and clowns preside, and the innocent are blamed. A foreigner who recites this verse is welcomed, suggesting that such conditions are universal.
Chapter 60
A Future Conversation
A traveler in the year 3003 encounters a plowman amid the ruins of Washington, D.C., and learns of the legendary Mother Jones, who led a march of miners' wives on the capital. The plowman recounts how her militant actions brought down the city, though politicians had already looted it. The traveler then claims to have an even better tale.
Chapter 61
The Hesitating Veteran
The narrator reflects on his youthful idealism during the Civil War, his service and wounds, and the post-war disillusionment with Reconstruction, racial politics, and the uncertainty of moral and political truths.
Chapter 62
A Year's "Casualties"
The poem reflects on the quiet, unnoticed deaths of thousands of old soldiers over the course of a year, contrasting their silent passing with the lamentations of pension agents and statesmen who mourn the loss of their livelihoods. It concludes with a plea for release from the 'horrors of peace.'
Chapter 63
Inspiration
The narrator addresses a sculptor carving a gravestone, reflecting on the nature of inspiration and the humble truths that emerge in art. The poem contrasts grand artistic ambitions with the simple, ironic inscription 'Jain Ann Meginnis, Agid 3rd. He givith His beluved fits,' suggesting that divine or poetic inspiration often manifests in unexpected, even humorous, forms.
Chapter 64
To-Day
The narrator observes a man praying for selfish, hypocritical favors—asking to be exempt from work, to follow his own will, to hide his sins, and to take from others—then ironically declares him 'an honest man' after the prayer ends.
Chapter 65
An Alibi
A famous journalist is caught and jailed for an unspecified crime, sparking a public and media frenzy. The trial is a farce of corruption and hypocrisy, with the judge admitting both sides have bribed him, the jury composed of biased and incompetent men, and witnesses coached. As the defense lawyer delivers a lengthy oration, the prisoner escapes and sends a Negro impersonator to take his place. The lawyer then attempts to prove a novel 'alibi'—not that the client was elsewhere at the time of the crime, but that he is not currently present in the court.
Chapter 66
A Meeting
In the afterlife, Garfield and Parnell meet in Heaven and discuss a controversial letter that influenced an election, with Garfield revealing the letter's author is also present in Heaven.
Chapter 67
J. F. B.
A sonnet reflecting on a man who wrote about death, heaven, and hell for a living, yet whose own beliefs remained unknowable. He offered comforting doubts and paths of trust, but now he is dead and silent.
Chapter 68
The Dying Statesman
A satirical poem depicting a politician on his deathbed, surrounded by weeping friends, who ultimately reveals his dying wish is to become a postmaster in heaven. The poem critiques political hypocrisy and the self-serving nature of politicians, ending with a cynical view of the 'Grand Old Party' marching to power over his grave.
Chapter 69
The Death of Grant
The chapter reflects on the death of General Grant, portraying him as a dutiful servant who followed his purpose without questioning divine will. It contrasts his unquestioning obedience with human doubt, and ends with a prayer for clearer vision to see his soul in Paradise.
Chapter 70
The Fountain Refilled
The poem describes Hans Pietro Shanahan, a man with an extraordinary thirst for blood rather than alcohol. His addiction becomes so severe that he drains the resources of the state and even considers suicide. In a moment of desperation, he devises a scheme to obtain franchises for trolley lines through bribery and corruption, ultimately using the profits to fuel his insatiable thirst.
Chapter 71
Laus Lucis
The narrator reflects on theosophists building a temple for reviving ancient mysteries, contrasting various approaches to spirituality and occultism, ultimately dismissing obscure mysteries in favor of the Revelations of St. John.
Chapter 72
Nanine
A brief poem reflecting on a lost love named Nanine, where the speaker laments that the songbird's music has lost its magic and that Nanine no longer responds, suggesting she has died and left the speaker in prolonged grief.
Chapter 73
Technology
The narrator encounters a solemn old man who appears to be mourning a financial disaster, but it is revealed that he is an undertaker speaking in technical terms about the sinking of the steamship Hanner, which claimed 410 lives. The poem reflects on mortality and the unsettling intersection of professional jargon with human tragedy.
Chapter 74
A Reply to a Letter
The narrator responds angrily to a clergyman's letter, rejecting religious piety and arguing that the good are actually the unhappiest. The narrator defends a life of sin and mocks the parson's attempts to guide him to salvation, ultimately dismissing the letter with scorn.
Chapter 75
To Oscar Wilde
The speaker addresses Oscar Wilde with scorn, accusing him of folly, ignorance, and a lack of understanding. The speaker refuses to engage seriously with Wilde, dismissing him as a spectacle akin to a two-headed calf, and responds with contempt rather than debate.
Chapter 76
Born Leaders of Men
A satirical poem mocking political leaders who are portrayed as self-serving, corrupt, and indifferent to genuine principles or public welfare. Each stanza introduces a different politician—Mahosh, Cabee, and Fitzurse—who manipulate rhetoric and exploit others for personal gain, highlighting the hypocrisy and moral decay within political leadership.
Chapter 77
The Crime of 1903
A satirical poem reflecting on shifting political loyalties, particularly regarding secession, and criticizing American hypocrisy and imperial ambition in 1903.
Chapter 78
For Expulsion
The narrator addresses Brig. Roberts, who has seven wives, mocking his domestic situation and the social and political pressures he faces. The poem satirizes polygamy, political ambition, and the hypocrisy of moral condemnation, suggesting that the price of a seat in Congress and a bed in Hell is worth the shame and lamentation of family.
Chapter 79
Judex Jocosus
The chapter explores the unsettling fusion of horror and humor, particularly in the context of the law. It argues that when a judge delivers a verdict with a mocking or jocular demeanor, it transforms the awe and reverence due to the law into terror, making the doom pronounced more frightful.
Chapter 80
Graft
A satirical poem praising Cuba's military prowess while mocking the corrupting influence of American greed and political manipulation, suggesting that even victory in battle cannot withstand the power of graft.
Chapter 81
The Tale of a Crime
A king demands his chief adviser be executed but insists on charging him with a crime first. As a reader recites a list of all known sins, the prisoner confesses to each, but none satisfy the king's whim. The king falls asleep, and upon waking, arbitrarily declares the prisoner guilty, leading to his execution while devils celebrate the creation of a new sin.
Chapter 82
To the Bartholdi Statue
A satirical poem addressing the Statue of Liberty, questioning the true nature of liberty and justice in America, and critiquing the hypocrisy of political and economic systems.
Chapter 83
An Unmerry Christmas
The narrator rejects the festive spirit of Christmas, declaring that no cheer, gifts, or religious sentiment will enter his pages. He traces the origin of gift-giving to primitive propitiation and distrust, and vows to maintain a posture of gloom and skepticism, serving as a skeleton at the feast of revelry.
Chapter 84
An Inscription
A brief satirical epitaph for Napoleon, characterizing him as a conqueror who robbed the young to feed the grave, and whose reign indiscriminately laid waste to both the just and the unjust.
Chapter 85
From Virginia to Paris
The chapter uses the extended metaphor of a polecat (skunk) to contrast its natural, potent presence in the Virginia wilderness with its diminished, deodorized state after being removed to the artificial urban environment of Paris. The poem satirizes the loss of raw, authentic power and identity when a creature (or by extension, a person or idea) is transplanted from its native context into a civilized, sanitized setting.
Chapter 86
A "Mute Inglorious Milton"
The narrator hears a lament from the 'Unaverage Man' on the beach of Oblivion's sea, who bemoans being overshadowed by his 'Average' brother. The narrator plunges into the sea to join him, only to find himself stuck with the Unaverage Man instead.
Chapter 87
The Free Trader’s Lament
A trader recalls his idyllic life on an island where he freely traded for exotic goods until a pious man introduced 'Protection' by destroying the trading boat and replacing the natural wares with crude imitations, trapping the trader in a life of bland, costly dependence.
Chapter 88
Subterranean Phantasies
The narrator describes his death and burial, reflecting on the indignity of being consumed by worms and moles while his soul escapes. He debates how to protect his body from the 'subterranean crew' of anthropophagi, drawing parallels to the hypocrisy of feeding the hungry by proxy and the corruption of judges who fail to determine rights in the underworld. The chapter ends with a lament on clinging to the vile world despite its decay.
Chapter 89
In Memoriam
The narrator mourns the death of his beloved cat, Beauty, reflecting on her personality and their bond. He imagines her enjoying a blissful afterlife of luxurious food, while expressing his belief that the human spirit rots in the ground, a creed he holds until his own death.
Chapter 90
The Statesmen
A satirical poem criticizing politicians and their empty promises, portraying them as self-serving charlatans who offer conflicting 'cures' for the nation's ills while the 'Body Politic' suffers from internal conflicts between Capital and Labor.
Chapter 91
Brothers
A citizen visits a lawyer to discuss a case involving his brother, whom he claims is mentally unfit to manage their shared estate. The lawyer initially appears sympathetic but eventually reveals a comedic mix-up, mistaking the citizen for his brother due to their resemblance.
Chapter 92
The Cynic's Bequest
A silent mute named Meerza Solyman Zingall of Ispahan inherits the vast fortune of the miser Muley Ben Maroon, who commits suicide after a life of greed and cynicism. The townspeople protest the bequest, but the mute gives no sign of his intentions. He eventually disappears and later publishes a scandalous biography of the miser, revealing his true nature.
Chapter 93
Corrected News
A satirical poem about a newspaper's sensationalized account of a maiden lady's reaction to a man in her room, contrasting the dramatic lie with the more mundane truth that she leapt into the room rather than out of it.
Chapter 94
Justice
The narrator reflects on a romantic betrayal, initially wishing death upon the woman who jilted him, but ultimately deciding that condemning her to a long life is a more fitting punishment.
Chapter 95
Mr. Fink’s Debating Donkey
A narrative poem about William Perry Peters, a verbose educator and orator from Muscatel who loves debate. He organizes a schoolhouse debate on whether speech or hearing better elevates the mind. The townspeople grow restless, and Ebenezer Fink brings his donkey into the assembly. The donkey, freed from a weighted tail, brays so loudly that Peters is blown through a window. The tale concludes with Peters now living in Soquel, opposed to education and rhetoric.
Chapter 96
To My Laundress
The narrator addresses his laundress with a blend of complaint and affection, criticizing her careless work—missing cuffs, mysterious socks, and shirts full of pins—but ultimately forgiving her due to her physical beauty and charm, even declaring he will never pay her but would embrace her.
Chapter 97
Fame
A monarch laments his fading renown while reading a book titled 'The Chronicles of the Kings,' revealing the cost and pain behind his pursuit of fame.
Chapter 98
Omnes Vanitas
A poetic reflection on the fleeting nature of fame and ambition, contrasting past glory with present obscurity and mockery.
Chapter 99
The New “Ulalume”
A poetic reimagining of Edgar Allan Poe's 'Ulalume,' set in a bleak October landscape with ashen skies and withered leaves, evoking a haunting, sorrowful atmosphere.
Chapter 100
Consolation
A short poem advising against dwelling on grief and blame, suggesting action or philosophical reflection instead, with a twist on the story of Eve and the serpent.
Chapter 101
Fate
A poetic meditation on the ironic and inescapable nature of fate, which reverses roles and punishes the unwary, concluding with a plea to the gods to avoid action altogether in order to escape destiny.
Chapter 102
Philosopher Bimm
The chapter presents a satirical portrait of Jonas Bimm, a man who is criticized and misunderstood by all factions—Republicans, Democrats, Louts, Dudes, Anglophiles, Anglophobes, Churchmen, Atheists, Saints, and Sinners—because he defies easy categorization. Even the narrator admits a desire to harm him out of envy for his wisdom.
Chapter 103
Reminded
The narrator sits at twilight, reading a book by a long-dead author, lost in thought and grief. A sudden fear seizes him as he reads the words 'Poor Tom's a-cold,' feeling the dead hand reaching from the page, and he questions why God permits such bitter reminders of mortality and chance.
Chapter 104
Salvini in America
The narrator praises the Italian actor Salvini's performance, emphasizing that his physical gestures and expressions transcend language barriers, making his art universally understood. The poem critiques critics who demand linguistic clarity while celebrating the power of non-verbal communication in theater.
Chapter 105
Another Way
The narrator lies dead, and a woman places a rose on his breast, speaking of his love and his tendency to speak lightly of it. She begins to add something more but is interrupted. Later, the narrator reverses the scene, placing a rose on her breast and reflecting on the strange pleasure of the original dream.
Chapter 106
Art
A brief satirical poem questioning the obsession with finding the 'true' portrait of Columbus, suggesting that since he never sat for a portrait, any depiction is equally valid and that the real desire is for a face that prophesies the coming of ninety million fools.
Chapter 107
To One Across the Way
The narrator reflects on a distant beloved, torn between hope and despair over whether their feelings are reciprocated, and questions the value of passion without hope.
Chapter 108
To a Debtor Abroad
The poem contrasts the fleeting grief of parting with a loved one against the enduring anguish of a creditor whose debtor has fled. It imagines the debtor watching a ship at sea, comforted by the thought that a tear shed for them mingles with the waves and winds to aid the vessel's journey.
Chapter 109
Genesis
In a parody of the biblical creation, God creates Adam from clay, leaving behind a man-shaped cavity. After a storm fills the cavity with slime, Satan attempts to rival the Master by creating a fool named Doxey from the slime. Unable to give him a soul, Satan lends him his own, which he never recovers.
Chapter 110
Liberty
The chapter reflects on the concept of liberty, contrasting its grand proclamation with its youthful and unrealized nature, suggesting it is still unborn despite centuries of celebration.
Chapter 111
The Passing of Shepherd
A satirical elegy for 'Boss' Shepherd, reflecting on his death, his controversial legacy as a benefactor and target of public scorn, and the hypocritical mourning of those who once reviled him.
Chapter 112
To Maude
The narrator contrasts the violent collision of physical worlds with the gentle, harmonious union of inner spiritual realms, envisioning a marriage of their respective 'spirit races' that transcends jealousy and divine prohibition.
Chapter 113
The Birth of Virtue
In a primordial age of perfect transparency, thoughts and passions were openly visible. As time passed, this clarity faded, leading to concealment and deception. From this distrust, the goddess Virtue was born.
Chapter 114
The Scurril Press
Tom Jonesmith wakes to find himself and acquaintances lampooned in the morning paper. He rails against the scurrilous press, especially the 'funny man' Grip, while his wife offers a wry counterpoint.
Chapter 115
Stanley
The chapter reflects on the duality of human nature through the figure of Stanley, celebrating his heroic achievements while acknowledging his flaws and peasant manners. It critiques the foolish desire for flawless heroes and praises the wise who can appreciate both virtue and vice in a single person.
Chapter 116
One of the Unfair Sex
A satirical poem about a woman who stands serenely at a ticket window, oblivious to the growing crowd behind her. The scene escalates into a chaotic mob that eventually dies of old age waiting, while the woman remains frozen in place, and the trains no longer stop at the station.
Chapter 117
The Lord's Prayer on a Coin
The narrator examines a quarter-eagle coin inscribed with the Lord's Prayer, noting grammatical oddities and praising the frankness of the pious mind that would join prayer and coin.
Chapter 118
An Absurdum
The chapter satirizes the unequal treatment of Confederate veterans, contrasting the political posturing of Congressman Rixey with the absurd logic that rewards those who fought against the Union while denying aid to loyal Southerners. It mocks the hypocrisy of 'poll-patriots' and suggests that even the Devil might be right by accident, while the blind (critics) may stumble upon wisdom.
Chapter 119
Saith the Czar
The Czar dismisses his starving subjects' pleas for food and freedom, recalling how his ancestor was assassinated after freeing the serfs, and ironically wishes his people could deliver him from autocracy.
Chapter 120
The Royal Jester
A king abdicates in favor of his Fool, who rules disastrously until the former king, now a jester, cracks a joke that enrages the populace. They attack him with legislative tools, transforming him into an editor for life.
Chapter 121
A Career in Letters
A satirical poem about a scholar named Liberverm who, after resigning from academia, takes up journalism. With financial backing from Pondronummus, he edits a paper called The Thundergust. Initially prolific, he eventually suffers writer's block and the paper fails within three weeks, leading to a moral about investing in thought.
Chapter 122
The Following Pair
A whimsical dialogue between a narrator and a remarkable mortal who chews tobacco and follows the seas, contrasted with a shark that follows ships and dines upon salts, exploring themes of habit and imitation.
Chapter 123
Political Economy
A man plucks a goose while arguing that luxury and consumption benefit producers, but the goose protests that it receives no advantage from being stripped of its feathers for human comfort.
Chapter 124
The Unpardonable Sin
The narrator reflects on Tom Carew, a once-skilled fighter who turned to politics, adopted corrupt habits, and ultimately threw a fight, marking his moral decline.
Chapter 125
Industrial Discontent
The chapter uses a satirical cosmic allegory to describe strikes and labor unrest spreading across the universe, from the sun and moon to planets and stars, while the earth alone refrains due to the violence and greed of human riots.
Chapter 126
Tempora Mutantur
The narrator laments the dullness of the modern world and longs for the myths and fables of ancient Greece, calling upon Father Time to restore the old gods. Upon speaking, Fate responds, and the narrator looks up to see the Gorgon sisters—Medusa, Stheno, and Euryale—but finds them aged and entirely bald, deflating the romanticized vision of antiquity.
Chapter 127
A False Alarm
The poem satirizes Gertrude Atherton's harsh criticism of Manhattan ladies' appearance, particularly their noses, and the defensive reaction of the women. It concludes with a mocking reassurance that the 'Sacred Englishman' will bless them, turning the lack of notable noses into a backhanded compliment about their inability to speak through them.
Chapter 128
Contentment
The narrator dreams of a distant future where Posterity interrogates a spirit—presumably General Grant—about the lack of monuments in his honor. The narrator attempts to defend himself but is silenced, and Grant's shade replies that it is better to question why monuments were not erected than why they were. The dream ends with the narrator waking and reflecting.
Chapter 129
Constancy
The narrator dreams of a grotesque chase where a crowd kicks the head of Bryan like a ball. He observes that the two most constant followers are the Devil and Hearst, then in a moment of shame, he gives the head a final kick skyward and leaves the game.
Chapter 130
The New Enoch Arden
A satirical retelling of the Enoch Arden story, where the able seaman Enoch Arden, after being cast away on an island for years, finally returns home to find his wife Annie and his old life, only to exclaim 'Shanghaied!' in a moment of ironic realization.
Chapter 131
Disavowal
A poem depicting the aftermath of a violent event in Phoenix Park, where a Land League man, a Fenian, and Pat Satan each disavow any involvement in the deaths, crossing themselves and denying responsibility with hypocritical self-righteousness.
Chapter 132
An Average
The narrator reflects on their inability to fully commit to either blondes or brunettes, resolving the dilemma by loving both equally as a happy medium.
Chapter 133
Incurable
This brief chapter reflects on the incurable nature of the reformer's zeal, suggesting that while one may recover from other vices and passions, the desire to improve the world is a spiritual affliction that cannot be cured.
Chapter 134
The Pun
A poetic celebration of the pun as a form of wit, exploring its dual nature as both low and high art, its mechanical exposure of meaning, and its unifying power across different levels of intellect.
Chapter 135
To Nanine
A poetic meditation on love and loss, where the speaker contemplates the pain of separation from a beloved, yet finds solace in the enduring presence of their memory in nature.
Chapter 136
Vice Versa
This chapter presents a whimsical and satirical poem about a woman in Maine who marries a soldier who had been dead for nine hours to secure a pension. The narrator muses on the legal and metaphysical implications of such a union, questioning whether the woman would be a widow or a wife if the man were revived, while also reflecting on the absurdity of human conventions and the nature of life and death.
Chapter 137
A Blacklist
The chapter presents a satirical blacklist of debtors, but turns the critique toward poets and bards who cheat by breaking the laws of rhyme, suggesting that their dishonesty is a response to a corrupt legal system.
Chapter 138
Authority
The poem critiques blind adherence to authority, attacking those who accept opinions without question and worship figures like 'Dabster' simply because they wrote a book. It warns that true persuasion is futile against such minds, and that posthumous fame is often misappropriated and distorted by followers.
Chapter 139
The Psoriad
The King of Scotland, frustrated by his courtiers' failed remedies for his skin ailment and their divisive rivalries, threatens to force them to apply a compounded lotion of all their failed treatments. As they kneel in submission, the goddess Caledonia strips them, but the king flees in horror, dashing the phial to the ground, where it becomes a fountain. The backs of the courtiers already bear the mark of the Rosy Witch.
Chapter 140
Peace
The chapter satirizes the notion of peace and harmony by revealing that apparent coexistence between predator and prey is merely a disguise, with the lion being an ass in disguise and the lamb being a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Chapter 141
Thanksgiving
A superintendent of an almshouse confronts a pauper who refuses to partake in the Thanksgiving feast. The pauper explains his inability to eat due to lack of teeth and his inability to dance due to lost legs, lamenting his misfortunes. The superintendent insists on gratitude for broader mercies, such as spared disasters and war abroad, dismissing the pauper's personal grievances.
Chapter 142
L’audace
The chapter is a poetic ode to Audacity, personified as a divine daughter of God, distinguishing true audacity from mere presumption. The speaker struggles to adequately praise this virtue, acknowledging his own inadequacy and calling for a stronger voice to do it justice.
Chapter 143
The God's View-Point
Cheeta Raibama Chunder Sen, a devout follower, visits the God of Rational Content to pay homage. The god, initially silent, eventually laughs and rebukes Chunder Sen for his piety, declaring that the gods find pious people hateful. He then touches Chunder Sen, causing him to fall asleep, and when he wakes, the god is again unmoved and silent.
Chapter 144
The Aesthetes
A satirical poem mocking the aesthetic movement, portraying its followers as absurd and pretentious figures engaged in meaningless rituals, with a recurring refrain about lilies and sunflowers.
Chapter 145
With Mine Own Petard
The narrator reflects on his past role as a harsh critic of local poets, describing how he silenced them with force and ridicule. Now, he considers whether to resume that battle but ultimately decides to let them rhyme, recalling the futility of his previous efforts.
Chapter 146
Restored
A woman mourns her warrior lover for years, and the angels, pitying her sorrow, restore him to life. However, he returns aged and stiff, having gained the years since his death. He bores her, and she elopes with her father's young groom, while the old lover contentedly returns to the tomb.
Chapter 147
Sires and Sons
The chapter laments the moral decay of society, where wild luxury and sloth have replaced the hard-won virtues of the founding generation. It questions the sacrifices of historical figures like Warren, Arnold, Stark, Gates, Lee, Perry, and Hull, suggesting their efforts have been squandered by a degenerate populace that prefers ease and idle trappings over thrift and duty.
Chapter 148
A Challenge
A bull breaks free from its stall and charges into a washerwoman's yard, where it becomes enraged by a red skirt hanging on a line. A sock inside the garment speaks, challenging the bull and refusing to yield.
Chapter 149
Two Shows
The narrator reflects on a showman exhibiting a 'School of Educated Apes,' observing that the human spectators—hoodlums, loafers, actresses, and critics—are themselves half the show, unconsciously revealing their own simian nature through their behavior and pretensions.
Chapter 150
A Poet’s Hope
The narrator encounters a weary mortal near the City of the Discontented Dead, who reveals himself to be Lampton, the Slang Poet, lamenting his lack of love and respect and his desire to die and be forgotten. The narrator offers sarcastic sympathy, suggesting he buy a dog.
Chapter 151
The Woman and the Devil
A poetic narrative describes the creation of Man and Woman, with the Devil sneaking into the workshop while the Master rests on Sunday. The Woman, curious about her missing disposition, accepts the Devil's offer to borrow his, and she never returns it.
Chapter 152
Two Rogues
A sentry at his post encounters Death itself, but refuses to let it pass, condemning its methods as vulgar and dishonorable, and vowing to abandon his own violent trade rather than associate with such low tactics.
Chapter 153
The Pied Piper of Brooklyn
The chapter reflects on the death of a great soul, likened to a giant organ that held the essence of all creeds. It describes how the instrument responded to both divine and diabolical hands, and how the loss of its harmonies leads men to forget and retrace the dubious path they were led.
Chapter 154
Not Guilty
A Grecian swain confronts a maid about seeing her in another's arms, but she defends herself by claiming the other was a god, implying divine compulsion or a mythological excuse.
Chapter 155
Presentiment
A speaker walks among graves with a woman whose presence seems sacred and ghostly. When she steps off the path, the speaker feels a sudden chill, initially dismissing it as folklore about one's grave being trod upon, but later realizes the pain of a buried heart.
Chapter 156
A Study in Gray
The narrator steps out of a restaurant into a cold, gray fog, reflecting on a past encounter with an aging waitress whose hair has turned from gold to gray. He muses on the passage of twenty years, his own modest successes, and the haunting sense of lost time and missed glory. The fog and the distant fog-bell draw him toward the sea, suggesting a readiness for death.
Chapter 157
For Merit
A satirical poem contrasting the grand statue raised to Parmentier for his potato cooking with the lack of recognition for military or poetic achievements, suggesting that practical culinary skill deserves the palm.
Chapter 158
A Bit of Science
The narrator reflects on the impossibility of photographing color, arguing that colors are mere vibrations and have no true being. He uses the example of his lady's blue eyes, which cause a profound physical and emotional shaking in him, yet cannot be captured by any camera.
Chapter 159
The Tables Turned
A man confronts a streetcar driver who has run over a pedestrian, questioning why the driver is not laughing as he usually does when killing someone. The driver explains that he would laugh if he had bisected the questioner, but the pain comes from realizing he has cut himself in two.
Chapter 160
To a Dejected Poet
The speaker admonishes a dejected poet for undervaluing their divine gift and measuring poetic labor by worldly standards of reward. The poem argues that true artistry is a sacred, joyful ministry not to be bargained with Fate or reduced to mere wages.
Chapter 161
The Humorist
A child questions their mother about a humorist, who is described as having black hands but a mild heart, a ghastly grin, and suffering from many distresses. The mother explains that the humorist's smile is the outward sign of an internal joke meant for the Saturday Livercomplaint, and that he sweats from demons lurking in the fear of having to work. When asked why he doesn't end his life, the mother replies that the abolition of Hell has deprived him of hope.
Chapter 162
Montefiore
The narrator dreams of the aged philanthropist Montefiore, surrounded by a reverent crowd of Jews and Gentiles praising his charitable deeds. When Montefiore tosses a coin over their heads to escape the press, the crowd disperses, leaving him alone.
Chapter 163
Discretion
A dialogue between a woman and a man about discretion in romantic matters. The woman questions whether the man can be trusted with secrets, while the man assures her that he never reveals his conquests, often because he never gets the chance to speak.
Chapter 164
An Exile
A census enumerator laments his forced rural exile, singing of agricultural life while bearing physical wounds and expressing his alienation from both town and country.
Chapter 165
The Division Superintendent
A division superintendent, baffled and weary, stands on the tracks as automatic switches and signals thwart his control. He longs for death but is suddenly inspired to place obstructions on the track, reigniting his hope.
Chapter 166
To a Professional Eulogist
The chapter is a satirical poem attacking a professional eulogist named Newman, who is depicted as a parasite that flatters the living for personal gain and then, upon their death, continues to exploit them by delivering insincere eulogies driven by appetite rather than truth. The speaker criticizes the eulogist's sycophancy toward the rich and famous, suggesting that he would even fawn on God if it served his ambition.
Chapter 167
Election Day
A satirical poem describing Election Day as a circus where voters are fools, demagogues' dupes, and candidates' tools. It mocks the hypocrisy and corruption of political campaigns, the libeling of reputations, and the temporary truce of civility on election day, ending with the Devil returning to Hell.
Chapter 168
The Militiaman
A civilian questions a soldier about the glory and excitement of war, but the soldier confesses that his greatest fear is not battle but the mundane discomfort of getting his feet wet, revealing the absurdity and anticlimax of martial ideals.
Chapter 169
A Welcome
The speaker criticizes the Knights Templars for their hypocrisy, pretentiousness, and deceitful practices, accusing them of degrading noble traditions and exploiting the gullible. Despite this, the speaker offers them a sardonic welcome to the city, granting them freedom to come and go as they please.
Chapter 170
A Serenade
A serenader sings 'Sas agapo' (I love you) beneath a woman's window. She wonders what it means, and the poem reflects on the nature of love and knowledge, suggesting that love transcends formal education and that a woman's expression of love in any language is universally understood.
Chapter 171
The Wise and Good
A child questions his father about why only certain deceased individuals are mourned, and the father explains that society mourns only the 'Wise and Good' who are poor and leave nothing behind. The child then mocks this notion, implying it is a foolish tale.
Chapter 172
The Lost Colonel
A sailor recounts the woeful tale of a passenger known as 'The Colonel' aboard the schooner Henery Jo. Despite the wild waves, the Colonel remains calm, drinking from a bottle labeled 'Total Eclipse' and joking about the dryness of the sailor's life. When he accidentally falls overboard, the crew launches boats to rescue him, but he is found an hour later in a yawl, dead of thirst.
Chapter 173
For Tat
The narrator marvels at the absurdities and contradictions of the world, from natural phenomena to human behavior, culminating in a female Yahoo flinging filth at him, which he sarcastically suggests he would wear as a badge of honor if it proved her fitness to vote.
Chapter 174
A Dilemma
The narrator describes his zealous career as a critic, damning others' works until challenged to produce his own. He writes many perfect books, but when he returns to criticism, he is condemned for attacking his own profession. The poem explores the paradox of the critic who must choose between honest judgment and professional hypocrisy.
Chapter 175
Metempsychosis
In a satirical play, St. John, a presidential candidate, seeks to swap souls with Mrs. Hayes to lead the Prohibition movement. After a comedic exchange of immortal parts, McDonald anoints St. John as king of the 'vinophobe ranks' while toasting to drink. The chapter mocks political temperance and the absurdity of reform.
Chapter 176
The Saint and the Monk
Saint Peter, at Heaven's gate, is initially charmed by a jovial monk who approaches. The saint forgets his stern duties and invites the monk in, but the monk hesitates, asking who else is inside. When Saint Peter explains that Susan B. Anthony and her followers are there due to an unwritten law about women's sin, the monk decides to leave, preferring to go where the pretty women are.
Chapter 177
The Opposing Sex
The chapter presents a poetic lament about the widows of Ashur, who loudly criticize men and their faults while also nursing the very men they curse. It depicts a cycle of reviling and self-contradiction, set in the Cave of Adullam, where no wooing or angelic influence can stop their defiling words.
Chapter 178
In High Life
A satirical poem describing a high-society wedding between Sir Impycu Lacquit and Miss Bloatie Bondee, attended by figures like Lord Mammon and Sir John Satan, with the ceremony performed by the Diocesan Osculo Grip. The wedding is depicted as a display of fashion and wealth, but ends with the groom beating his bride.
Chapter 179
A Whipper-in
The chapter satirizes Commissioner of Pensions Dudley, who mandates Sunday-school attendance for his clerks, contrasting his coercive piety with the gentle invitation of the Spirit. The narrator condemns Dudley's hypocrisy and abuse of authority, threatening violence against such a 'detested simian' and calling on divine judgment.
Chapter 180
Judgment
The narrator draws aside the veil of the future and witnesses the poet Whitman on his bier, with mourners lamenting his death. One voice declares Whitman is no more, but another retorts that he is damned, suggesting a judgment on his legacy.
Chapter 181
A Bubble
A satirical poem about Mrs. Mehitable Marcia Moore, a woman who wears a large bustle inflated with hydrogen gas. When she goes to the beach, she refuses to remove it and instead wears a custom swimsuit. She wades into deep water, floats away as her bustle acts like a balloon, and ultimately bursts, causing her to drown.
Chapter 182
Francine
The narrator expresses a deep and delicate love for Francine, fearing that if she were to die and be called to the afterlife, he would fall into utter despair. Their shared love, once vibrant and brave, would become mere shadows. His love is so tender that it cannot endure even the rumor of death, thriving only in a perpetual, gracious spring where the stars are forever friendly. The mere fear of death would kill all the roses of his affection.
Chapter 183
An Example
A short poem about two deaf mutes who resolve to marry despite all warnings, advocating for maintaining silence and ignorance before and after marriage.
Chapter 184
Revenge
A spitcat and a snapdog confront each other in a darkly comic poem. The cat accuses the dog of stealing a kitten's catgut string (the note 'E') for his fiddle, and her vengeful shriek is so powerful it cracks tombs and sends missiles flying. The dog is left blind, wearing a placard that declares his condition.
Chapter 185
The Genesis of Embarrassment
A poetic retelling of the first encounter between Adam and Eve, where Eve's gaze moves from the natural surroundings to Adam's eyes before consenting to marriage, establishing a tradition of downward glances among women when asked to wed.
Chapter 186
In Contumaciam
A satirical poem addressing Father McGlynn's conflict with the Pope, mocking his stubbornness and predicting his journey to Canossa.
Chapter 187
From the Minutes
A satirical account of a violent political incident in which a powerful figure, Kilgore, kicks down a Congressional door, causing Representative Dingley to lose his nose and lament the leveling effects of democracy.
Chapter 188
A Woman in Politics
A male politician confronts a woman running for School Director, initially mocking her ambition and suggesting corrupt bargains involving school supplies and a teaching position. When she rejects his offers, he dismisses her as having no head for politics, then sarcastically claims he will vote for her repeatedly.
Chapter 189
A Ballad of Pikeville
A satirical ballad describing the founding of Pikeville in Arizona, where a colony of settlers from Missouri struggles with drought and poor soil. A parson's prayer for water causes an earthquake that brings forth springs, but the settlers celebrate by getting drunk on whisky. The land becomes fertile for rye and corn, and Pikeville becomes a distilling community that consumes all it produces.
Chapter 190
An Augury
The narrator sits at his desk, surrounded by a spray of starry blossoms, and writes in an idle manner while contemplating a serious thought. He addresses the flowers, noting their fine Greek name and grace, and asks if they bear any messages of despair or hope. A sudden stir of stem and leaf, a breath of heliotrope, suggests an answer.
Chapter 191
Lusus Politicus
The narrator engages in a surreal, ironic conversation with a bizarre visitor whose appearance and statements defy logic and convention, touching on politics, art, and the absurdity of human perspectives.
Chapter 192
Bereavement
A countess from Arno's valley, known more for love than learning, bribes a village scribe to write a book of poetry praising her deceased lover, Prince di Giu. When the scribe asks how he died, she reveals she stabbed him fifty times.
Chapter 193
A Pickbrain
The narrator reflects on the futility of imitation, contrasting his own effortless folly with the forced mimicry of another, whom he deems a fool and an ape.
Chapter 194
The Naval Constructor
A naval constructor observes ships in harbor, noting their construction and the political influences behind them. He boards the noblest ship, glides from the harbor, and is found to have suicided.
Chapter 195
Detected
A brief satirical verse about a former congressman named Mowther who has been committed to an asylum, suggesting that his madness went unnoticed while he was in Congress because his behavior there was indistinguishable from his current state.
Chapter 196
Bimetalism
A humorous poem about Ben Bulger, a man who believes in free silver coinage and decides to counterfeit silver dollars worth eighty-seven cents, arguing they are as good as genuine coins. He is eventually sentenced to fifteen years for his technical offense.
Chapter 197
Two Methods
This chapter contrasts two approaches to spiritual leadership: the Priest who delivers masses for the dead and withholds death from those outside the fold, and the Parson who spares living sinners for a harder damnation, both manipulating divine mercy for their own ends.
Chapter 198
Foundations of the State
The chapter satirizes various intellectual and moral claims about the foundations of the state, comparing them to a chaotic cacophony of cranks and theorists. Each figure—whether advocating Truth, Temperance, Science, Faith, or Love—is mocked for their certainty. The chapter ends with a dying man's dismissal of doctors' disputes over his illness, underscoring the futility of such arguments.
Chapter 199
An Imposter
The narrator excoriates Carnegie as a hypocrite and 'Great King of Cant,' wishing for a place so remote that even his empty rhetoric would be silenced.
Chapter 200
France
The chapter presents a scathing poetic critique of France's political and social state, lamenting the loss of Victor Hugo and the rise of General Boulanger, while condemning a prince who would sell his birthright for power. It depicts a nation torn by factional strife, where violence is the means of survival, and whose stability is built on bloodshed, yet remains fragile.
Chapter 201
A Guest
The narrator addresses Death directly, expressing concern for his health and offering him a drink, only to be met with Death's request for blood, which the narrator mockingly grants.
Chapter 202
A False Prophecy
The narrator addresses Dom Pedro, Emperor of Brazil, mocking the rumor that he is threatened with paralysis. The poem argues that emperors are more likely to die by assassination than illness, citing Lincoln and Alexander II as examples of leaders who freed slaves and were killed. It suggests that tyranny breeds its own punishment, and that Dom Pedro, having also freed slaves, should not fear paralysis.
Chapter 203
A Song of the Many
This chapter presents a poetic vision of oppressed people rising up against tyranny, inspired by faith in divine justice and the eventual triumph of freedom. The imagery shifts from lamentation to militant hope, as the masses gather under banners, clash lances, and sing of liberation, trusting that God's timing will bring down tyrants and raise temples of righteousness.
Chapter 204
One Morning
The narrator, weak and ill, laments their inability to meet their beloved, watching time pass until the appointed hour. They express despair and longing, insisting that until they see their love's face, it remains night.
Chapter 205
The King of Bores
The narrator laments the abundance of bores in the world, describing them as incessant and overwhelming, like funeral pageants or a droning drum. He singles out one supreme tormentor, 'Prince Fiddlefaddle, Duc de Feefawfum,' who intrudes upon his private amorous verses, claims to know the lady addressed, and calls him a 'sly dog.' The narrator wishes this bore would understand the sonnet's true application.
Chapter 206
History
The poem satirizes the many conflicting theories about the fall of the Roman Empire, from vice and luxury to lack of coinage, before revealing that the narrator himself claims responsibility for its destruction.
Chapter 207
The Hermit
A hermit who has retreated from the world to contemplate on a mountain encounters a hunter from the city. The hermit laments his long search for a worthy theme to occupy his gloomy soul. The hunter suggests pondering the Vanity of Life, which the hermit gratefully accepts, asking for further guidance on how to think.
Chapter 208
The Yearly Lie
A cynical and satirical poem that attacks the hypocrisy of Christmas greetings and gift-giving, suggesting that the holiday is built on fear, thrift, and lies rather than genuine goodwill.
Chapter 209
An Apologue
A traveler, seeing a loaded fruit tree by the road, rationalizes stealing the fruit to prevent others from being tempted to steal it, thereby congratulating himself on his moral superiority.
Chapter 210
Diagnosis
A man named Allen Forman, troubled by dreams of hanging, seeks medical advice about his chances of living a full life. The doctor examines his tongue and cryptically remarks on its length, implying a diagnosis without clear resolution.
Chapter 211
Fallen
A lament for a once-great figure who has fallen from grace, contrasting the glory of their past with the shame of their present.
Chapter 212
Dies Irae
The narrator introduces a new translation of the medieval hymn 'Dies Irae,' critiquing previous translations for missing its ironic and humorous tone. The translation itself is presented, blending reverence with a mocking, satirical spirit.
Chapter 213
The Day of Wrath
A poetic meditation on Judgment Day, blending religious terror with dark humor, as the narrator imagines the final reckoning, the unveiling of hidden sins, and a plea for mercy that slyly suggests others be sacrificed instead.
Chapter 214
One Mood's Expression
A satirical poem calling upon the Lord to revive persecution against modern fanatics and revolutionaries, mocking their zeal and suggesting that martyrs should be beheaded so they cannot wear their crowns.
Chapter 215
Something in the Papers
The narrator dismisses the dull and repetitive news in the papers—murders, fires, shipwrecks, and financial failures—before reacting with shock upon discovering that Tom Jones has failed and owes him seven hundred dollars.
Chapter 216
The Binnacle
This chapter uses the metaphor of a ship's compass to critique the Church's claim to moral infallibility, suggesting that its guidance is subject to variation and misdirection, influenced by Satan and leading souls astray.
Chapter 217
One President
A father explains to his child that the weeping statesmen are disappointed because the candidate they praised as honest and capable turned out to actually be honest and capable, contrary to their usual expectations.
Chapter 218
The Bride
The chapter opens with a poetic reflection on a second marriage, where the speaker divorces 'old barren Reason' to wed the 'Daughter of the Vine.' The Daughter then reveals that she herself is Reason, and the former was merely a dream, blurring the lines between intoxication and rationality.
Chapter 219
The Man Born Blind
A man born blind receives his sight and, through his untrained eyes, perceives the world's hypocrisy and corruption, seeing merchants as swindlers, patriots as calves, doctors as assassins, lawyers as accomplices, judges as wild beasts, preachers as burglars, farmers as pillagers, and the wealthy as parasites. His observations reveal the deceit and moral decay beneath society's respectable surfaces.
Chapter 220
A Nightmare
The narrator dreams of being dead and forgotten, his body consumed by a beech tree that becomes a monument to his memory, only to be defaced by a woman's graffiti.
Chapter 221
A Wet Season
The narrator laments a fierce rainstorm, wishing he had been born a salmon or an amphibious creature to escape the misery. He reflects on human mortality and the fleeting nature of bright hours, invoking ancient Egypt and Rameses II.
Chapter 222
The Confederate Flags
The speaker argues for the return of captured Confederate flags as an act of magnanimity, suggesting that the true victory lies in forgiveness and reconciliation rather than in holding trophies of war. The poem questions the logic of punishing former rebels when the war was fought to restore peace, and it challenges the notion of loyalty and treason by pointing out historical contradictions.
Chapter 223
Haec Fabula Docet
A rat that has eaten poison drinks from a stream and explodes, blaming the water for its fate.
Chapter 224
Again
The narrator recounts a forbidden reunion with a woman at the Mission, where their brief encounter ends with her cold dismissal and a mundane remark about her health, highlighting the futility of his emotional turmoil.
Chapter 225
Homo Podunkensis
The chapter satirizes a provincial man who, upon visiting a cosmopolitan city, remains utterly parochial—marveling at foreign ships and goods while stubbornly praising his own small town, even chalking 'Home, Sweet Home' on the palaces of Rome.
Chapter 226
A Social Call
The narrator addresses Old Father Christmas with cynical familiarity, accusing him of being a drunken fraud while reflecting on his own long, unrewarded struggle for virtue and honesty. He notes that admiration is stolen rather than earned, and that the public praises those he criticizes. The poem ends with a farewell and a somber hint at his own mortality.
Chapter 227
My Day of Life
The narrator reflects on a day that feels both fantastical and fleeting, having dreamed through the morning only to awaken and find the sun already setting. The poem explores the contrast between the vivid, sprawling dreams of love, war, and fame and the sudden, anticlimactic return to reality.
Chapter 228
The Scrap Heap
A satirical and surreal narrative that explores themes of justice, corruption, and the absurdity of human institutions through a series of vignettes involving characters in a heavenly or infernal court setting, where politicians manipulate proceedings and the narrator confronts death and judgment.
Chapter 229
Poesy
The chapter explores the nature of poetry and artistic creation, contrasting true poetic inspiration with artificial or forced attempts at verse. It critiques those who claim the title of poet without genuine talent, and reflects on the relationship between art, truth, and beauty.
Chapter 230
Hospitality
The speaker questions a host's selective hospitality, noting that they are invited to dine and praise the wine while others who are truly in need of a meal are overlooked.
Chapter 231
Magnanimity
The chapter satirizes the concept of magnanimity in politics, questioning the sincerity of those who claim to bow to the will of the people while in the minority.
Chapter 232
Understated
The chapter opens with a quote from Upton Sinclair expressing regret over marriage, calling it a devilish device and delusion, and the narrator adds that it is even worse because it is lawful.
Chapter 233
An Attorney-General
The chapter satirizes Attorney-General Philander Knox, portraying him as a lazy and indecisive figure who snores through crises, contrasting his deep sleep with his profound learning.
Chapter 234
Financial News
A brief satirical poem commenting on John D. Rockefeller's statement that 'money is not tight,' suggesting that if money were not loose in morals, Rockefeller could not command it for his use.
Chapter 235
Aspiration
The chapter opens with the assertion that no man can truthfully deny a desire for the presidency, quoting William C. Whitney. It then presents a satirical poem about a rabbit that admires a donkey's long ears, suggesting that every creature secretly wishes to be like something greater, mocking the nature of aspiration and self-deception.
Chapter 236
Democracy
A brief poetic reflection contrasting the servile adoration of subjects and slaves toward a sovereign with the freeman's refusal to worship any single idol, asserting that the freeman himself is one among many equals.
Chapter 237
An Enemy to Law and Order
A satirical quatrain illustrating the hypocrisy of property and law, where a chain of theft and fraud culminates in the victim being labeled an anarchist by the last in the series of wrongdoers.
Chapter 238
Foresight
A brief, satirical verse suggesting that the devil is always devising new places (like an 'actors’ cemetery') to gather souls for hell.
Chapter 239
A Fair Division
A satirical poem criticizing Irish land inequality, suggesting that the division between landlords and tenants is 'fair' only in that tenants possess all the anger while landlords possess all the land.
Chapter 240
A Lacking Factor
The narrator criticizes someone for acting unwisely based on the outcome, but the person responds that they made their choice without knowing the outcome in advance.
Chapter 241
The Politician
A brief poem contrasting the manipulative work of politicians with the humble, honest labor of farming.
Chapter 242
Elihu Root
A brief poetic reflection on Elihu Root's moral character, suggesting that while he may occasionally stoop to a dirty trick or low misdeed to serve his nature's need, he is fundamentally unwilling to bend from his moral skies.
Chapter 243
An Error
The chapter reflects on the vulnerability of the judicial system to corruption, using the metaphor of vermin infesting a judge's robe despite efforts to protect it.
Chapter 244
Vanished at Cock-Crow
The narrator reflects on the elusive nature of charm, discovering that its true secret lies in unconsciousness, only for it to vanish upon being named.
Chapter 245
Woman
A brief chapter advising the reader to study good women and ignore the rest, suggesting that true understanding of the sex comes from focusing on the best examples.
Chapter 246
A Partisan's Protest
A brief poetic protest against political displays, suggesting they provoke both enthusiasm and despair.
Chapter 247
A Bequest to Music
A brief chapter in which a man declares 'Let music flourish!' and dies, after which a grand symphony of lawyers begins, their chins creating melodious thunders.
Chapter 248
Oneiromancy
The narrator falls asleep and dreams of being cast from the sky like Vulcan, lamed not in leg but in heart. He wakes just in time to see his love hiding a letter in her glove, suggesting secrecy or betrayal.
Chapter 249
July Fourth
The chapter opens with a divine command for noise on Independence Day, as the dawn of the Fourth of July illuminates every spire, celebrating the birth of American freedom.
Chapter 250
A Paradox
A brief dialogue between a preacher and a pessimist debating the value of life and suicide, presenting a logical paradox about worth and taking.
Chapter 251
Reedified
A brief poetic plea to the Lord of the tempest to refrain from destroying a church again, acknowledging His will in its doom but insisting He must rebuild it.
Chapter 252
A Bulletin
A brief bulletin reports that Lothario is very low according to the doctors, but suggests he will be so again if he ever recovers.
Chapter 253
An Inscription
A brief satirical epitaph for Napoleon, characterizing him as a conqueror who robbed the young to feed the grave, and whose reign indiscriminately laid waste to both the just and the unjust.
Chapter 254
An Erroneous Assumption
A brief poetic reflection on the misjudgment of age by youth, suggesting that youth fails to appreciate the beauty and sweetness of life in autumn years.
Chapter 255
A Constructor
The narrator encounters the Devil building a customs-house by the sea. When asked why, the Devil replies that he has built enough churches.
Chapter 256
God Complies
God, weary of constant prayer and supplication from preachers, reluctantly grants their request but warns of a lingering grievance.
Chapter 257
In Articulo Mortis
A dying man solemnly signs a document, possibly as a jest, declaring his last will and testament with a play on words suggesting both ill will and contest.
Chapter 258
The Discoverers
A brief, satirical couplet in which the narrator boasts of widespread fame, only to have it undercut by critics who declare him unknown.
Chapter 259
Unexpounded
A brief satirical commentary on the legal profession, suggesting that lawyers focus on technicalities and documents rather than true justice.
Chapter 260
The Eastern Question
A satirical poem depicting the futility of Greek and Turkish nationalism as both sides guard their border while the Great Powers quietly annex the territory behind them.
Chapter 261
Two Types
A brief poetic contrast between two forms of courage: one born of ignorance and the other of self-awareness.
Chapter 262
To a Critic of Tennyson
A brief poetic rebuke to a critic of Tennyson, suggesting that those who lack wisdom and genius should not presume to judge or outshine their betters.
Chapter 263
Cooperation
This brief chapter satirizes the modern trend of swindlers working in pairs, with one rascal stealing from the public and an honest man hiding the stolen coin, highlighting the collaborative nature of corruption.
Chapter 264
Humility
A brief poem contrasting the grand, noisy impact of great poets with the humble, quiet warmth of a single small gesture.
Chapter 265
Strained Relations
A satirical poem depicting a territorial dispute between England and Germany over Africa, with Africa questioning the claims of the colonial powers.
Chapter 266
Exoneration
A brief poetic reflection on how men who do not conspire during candidacy can be exonerated by their friends, with their unused teeth and nails displayed as relics of their restraint.
Chapter 267
After Portsmouth
The Tsar, amidst the destruction of war, laments the lack of joy in life and the denial of release in death, while criticizing Roosevelt's notion of peace.
Chapter 268
A Voice from Peking
A brief poetic excerpt from the perspective of the Empress of China, expressing her constrained power and resentment toward foreign influence, symbolized by the 'foreign devils' occupying her land.
Chapter 269
A Pious Rite
The chapter satirizes the Emperor of Austria's ritual of washing the feet of twelve poor men on Maundy Thursday, presenting it as a hollow display of humility that lasts only twenty minutes a year. The narrator calls for those who scrutinize royalty to instead make them wash their own feet, implying a critique of performative piety and hypocrisy.
Chapter 270
Justice
The narrator reflects on a romantic betrayal, initially wishing death upon the woman who jilted him, but ultimately deciding that condemning her to a long life is a more fitting punishment.
Chapter 271
At the Beach
A poetic chapter set at a beach in England, where the narrator and others express scorn for noblemen born to title, while observing someone turning westward and enduring the discomfort of the sea.
Chapter 272
An Infraction of the Rules
A brief poem describing a duel in France where the victor is pursued by the law, the multitude, and society's ill-will for the infraction of attempting to kill.
Chapter 273
Conversely
A brief, satirical verse expressing grief in Belgrade over King Peter's lack of a crown, with a darkly humorous twist suggesting the alternative of lacking a head instead.
Chapter 274
A Warning
Age warns Youth to slow down, as the journey to old age is short, but Youth ignores the warning and continues onward.
Chapter 275
Psychographs
The chapter reflects on the irony of poets who claim to be guided by departed souls in their writing, yet their own works lack immortality.
Chapter 276
For Wounds
A brief poetic plea to the gods to be carried to an enchanted isle where a woman's tears can counteract the effect of her smile, suggesting a theme of emotional contradiction and healing.
Chapter 277
A Literary Method
A brief satirical poem criticizing James Whitcomb Riley's 'Hoosier poems' by suggesting he writes them on an empty stomach, and the resulting work is so poor that it empties the stomachs of his readers.
Chapter 278
Back to Nature
A satirical poem mocking the decline of the once-revered Hawthorne name, now reduced to a source of ridicule and laughter.
Chapter 279
Rudolph Block
A brief satirical verse drawing a parallel between the dying King of Belgium and the reader, suggesting that both are on their deathbeds.
Chapter 280
Boycott
A brief, metaphorical chapter describing a bomb (the boycott) being lit by Gompers, which shatters everything and reduces Gompers to a spot of grease.
Chapter 281
To Her
A short, cryptic poem addressing an unknown 'Sinner A,' suggesting a cycle of confession and misdirection where sins are confessed not for absolution but as a means of shifting blame onto another.
Chapter 282
Creation
A brief poetic reflection on the act of creation, where God's dream brings forth suns and worlds, and His smile alone illuminates space.
Chapter 283
Rebuke
A brief reflection on how admonition often highlights what we have lost rather than correcting our greed.
Chapter 284
Prayer
A brief poem reflecting on the universal nature of prayer, suggesting that while one may call upon God in any language, the answer may come in an unfamiliar tongue.
Chapter 285
The Long Fear
A brief chapter reflecting on the enduring terror of murderers who, despite the hangman's disapproval and the law's fury, live in fear until they die of old age.
Chapter 286
An Inspired Performance
A short satirical poem that mocks a writer (likely Vierick) by comparing his emergence from obscurity to the Devil stirring mud, suggesting his prose is worse than his poetry and should be avoided.
Chapter 287
Sepulture
A brief poem about burying the hatchet between Miller and Platt, suggesting that while the conflict is buried, the memory or consequences linger.
Chapter 288
Black Beetles in Amber
The narrator reflects on the nature of art, criticism, and the immortality of fame, using the metaphor of black beetles preserved in amber to illustrate how even the most insignificant or flawed creations can be immortalized. The chapter explores the tension between artistic ambition and the harsh judgments of critics, suggesting that time and posterity often elevate the trivial to the status of treasure.
Chapter 289
Avalon
The narrator dreams of dreaming on a mystical island called Avalon, where the scent of roses leads him through a dark, haunted forest. Despite believing the roses are a delusion, he is irresistibly drawn by the fragrance, ultimately discovering his enemies hanging and reeking from a tree.
Chapter 290
Cain
A poetic chapter reflecting on the mark of Cain, divine justice, and the inevitability of punishment for murder. The narrator addresses a condemned man, Powell, emphasizing that the blood of his victim cries out from the ground and that the timing of death is irrelevant—the Devil eventually claims his own.
Chapter 291
One Judge
The narrator addresses Judge Wallace, praising him as a noble figure who remains morally upright despite the corruption around him. The narrator admits his own writing is driven by personal feelings rather than justice, but finds common ground with the judge in their shared freedom from persecution.
Chapter 292
An Obituarian
A satirical poem about a newspaper obituary poet who is paid to write mournful verses for a widower, only for the supposedly dead wife to return to life, leaving the poet unpaid and lamenting his own sorrow.
Chapter 293
A Commuted Sentence
In the far future, after all mankind has been judged, Boruck and Waterman suffer in Hell for their earthly crimes of pardoning criminals who then ravaged the coast and entered the legislature. They complain of their torments until Satan arrives with news from Saint Peter: their eternal sentence has been commuted to half its original term.
Chapter 294
A Lifted Finger
The chapter is a vitriolic poetic attack on M. H. de Young and his newspaper, accusing him of hypocrisy, corruption, and murderous slander. The narrator threatens de Young with vengeance and a grim future, invoking blood, crime, and the image of his eventual downfall.
Chapter 295
Two Delegates
A comedic and epic-style poem describes a tense encounter between two political figures, Great Gorham and Frank Pixley, in a restaurant. Their mutual hostility and dramatic confrontation cause panic among the patrons, but ultimately both men simply eat their respective meals.
Chapter 296
Matter for Gratitude
A satirical poem that critiques the hypocrisy of giving thanks for divine favor in the form of spared suffering, contrasting San Francisco's relative safety with the devastation inflicted on neighboring regions like Mexico. It mocks the selective gratitude that celebrates survival while others perish, highlighting the absurdity of attributing natural disasters and diseases to divine will.
Chapter 297
Three Kinds of a Rogue
This satirical poem in three parts excoriates a figure named Sharon, portraying him first as a corrupt and somnolent senator, then as a decrepit old man futilely chasing pleasure and cheating fate, and finally as a tormented wretch suffering under a woman's domination while the natural world and even hell itself react to his agonies. The poem concludes with a grim prophecy of his death and burial among those he helped destroy.
Chapter 298
I
The chapter opens with a satirical observation about the prevalence of hypocrisy in the United States, suggesting that if all hypocrites were incapacitated, the country would be vulnerable to invasion.
Chapter 299
II
The chapter presents a philosophical aphorism equating dogmatism's view of the spirit of inquiry with the spirit of evil, using the image of a tail appended to represent the note of interrogation.
Chapter 300
III
A single aphoristic line contrasts the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb, suggesting a critique of moral condemnation rooted in differing natures or circumstances.
Chapter 301
A Man
Governor Pennoyer of Oregon refuses to join the celebratory reception for the President, defiantly damning him instead. The Recording Angel in Portland notes the act in the cosmic ledger, placing it on the credit side of Pennoyer's account.
Chapter 302
Ye Foe to Cathaye
A brief poetic chapter describing a seemingly harmless youth who secretly plans to start a conflagration, using cunning rather than overt violence.
Chapter 303
Samuel Shortridge
A brief poetic chapter comparing Samuel Shortridge's internal turmoil to a mother trying to quiet a crying child, where his efforts to calm his own mind only make the disturbance worse.
Chapter 304
At a “National Encampment”
A veteran at a national encampment exchanges remarks with a comrade about aging, war wounds, and the harsh realities of battle, ending with a terse farewell and a warning to speak little.
Chapter 305
Theosophistry
The narrator launches a satirical poetic attack on a Theosophist named Anderson, mocking the belief in reincarnation and the idea that modern individuals are reincarnations of ancient Egyptian figures. The narrator dismisses the Theosophist's claims as foolish, using humor and irony to express personal relief through the act of verbal abuse.
Chapter 306
Azrael
The narrator encounters the Angel of Death (Azrael) on a beach while singing a death-song. Despite a sorrowful plea to be left alone to die, Death takes him, revealing the narrator to be Fred Emerson Brooks, who is struck dead and carried away.
Chapter 307
Competition
The Seraphs report to Christ that a Governor who pardoned a multitude of vile felons has died and is heading to Hell, boasting that his mercy could surpass Christ's. Christ smiles and declares victory by pardoning the Governor himself.
Chapter 308
A Vision of Doom
The narrator stands on a hill overlooking a cursed, desolate landscape, haunted by a sense of crime and guilt. A voice reveals that the narrator is a ghost in a phantom world—the remnant of a dead poet's dream. The poet once prophesied the destruction of a beautiful, corrupt city where murder and greed reigned and the law failed. The narrator asks if the prophecy was fulfilled, but receives no answer, then wakes weeping and crying out to God.
Chapter 309
Religious Progress
A satirical poem that traces the evolution of religion from primitive animal worship to wooden idols to the worship of man, suggesting that each new religion claims to be better than the last but ultimately becomes discarded. The poem critiques the cyclical nature of religious progress and the gullibility of believers, with a cynical observer questioning each transition.
Chapter 310
The Fall of Miss Larkin
A narrative poem recounting the story of Sally Larkin, a talented accordion player and singer, whose affections for a visiting Dude go unrequited. The Dude ignores her charms and prefers playing poker with her father. In a poignant moment, Sally plays a heartfelt song for him, only to be told to be quiet because she is interrupting the dog's howling.
Chapter 311
A Rendezvous
The narrator offers a nightly prayer seeking forgiveness for sins, specifically mentioning the Mission Dolores.
Chapter 312
Yorick
A solitary figure, Yorick, sits in an excavated street holding a yellow skull and delivers a monologue to it, reminiscing about the rough-and-tumble days of early San Francisco, recalling characters like Jim Peters, Casey, James King of William, Long Mary, and Jake the Kangaroo, and musing on the skull's possible identity and past.
Chapter 313
Stanford's Welcome
A dying father questions his son about a crowd gathering to welcome a statesman. The son explains that the crowd is there to shake the statesman's hand and that the statesman is thanking them for allowing him to buy votes, which has made him powerful. The son then urges his father to die as it is getting late.
Chapter 314
Posterity's Award
The narrator, having died and returned to earth, observes a grand statue erected to honor the nineteenth century's foremost man. The statue is faceless and blank, awaiting the name to be chosen by posterity in the year 3000. When the time comes, the name revealed is Deacon Fitch.
Chapter 315
An Art Critic
The narrator launches a scathing poetic attack on an art critic named Ira P. Rankin, mocking his name and his objection to a depiction of Cytherea. The narrator dismisses the critic as a provincial censor lacking true understanding of art, and refuses to engage in reasoned debate with someone he considers brainless.
Chapter 316
The Spirit of a Sponge
The narrator dreams of Stephen Massett's death and his attempt to enter Heaven by impersonating 'Jeems Pipes of Pipesville.' Saint Peter is deceived and opens the gates, but Massett is lured away by the smell of broiling from below and chooses to go to Hell instead.
Chapter 317
Ornithanthropos
A satirical poem about the creation of John P. Irish, where nature attempts to make a bird but produces a man-like creature instead, with a humorous suggestion of fixing a wing upon his chin.
Chapter 318
To E. S. Salomon
The speaker rebukes E. S. Salomon for protesting the decoration of Confederate graves on Memorial Day, arguing that the dead are beyond praise or blame and that respect for the fallen transcends old enmities. The poem reflects on the relativity of right and wrong, the futility of posthumous hatred, and the hope for reconciliation, ending with a curse on those who cannot love the harmless dead.
Chapter 319
Dennis Kearney
A brief poetic address to Dennis Kearney, warning that his growing influence is spreading like tides across the land, leaving no clean place even for God.
Chapter 320
Finis Aeternitatis
The narrator, strolling in a familiar land, encounters an angel who reveals that all of humanity, angels, devils, and even God are dead. The angel, Azrael, explains that the narrator has been revived solely to hear him swear that Eternity is over. When the narrator requests to return to death, Azrael raps on a brass mausoleum, causing a hyena (the escaped soul of Charles Crocker) to flee, and then seals the tomb.
Chapter 321
The Veteran
A satirical poem about John Jackson, a former soldier whose martial valor is undercut by accusations of theft and cowardice, suggesting his heroism is more noise than substance.
Chapter 322
An "Exhibit"
The narrator expresses outrage at the public display of a condemned assassin, Goldenson, as a spectacle for profit and entertainment. The poem criticizes the sheriff and the press for exploiting the execution for sensationalism, questioning the morality of turning a criminal's punishment into a public exhibition.
Chapter 323
The Transmigrations of a Soul
The narrator launches a scathing poetic attack on Pixley, condemning his hypocrisy, miserliness, drunkenness, and lack of virtue. He accuses Pixley of worshiping money, denouncing wine while indulging in drink, and embodying every vice, ultimately claiming Pixley rivals Satan himself.
Chapter 324
Indictment on Evidence
Bruce Douglas, nephew to a Scottish Earl, sits drunk and moaning in the City Prison. An old constable, once a horse-reporter, hears poetic rhythm in his moans and declares him a poet. They search his effects and find odes praising California's landscapes. The Clerk then charges him with a litany of crimes including murder, arson, rape, theft, libel, and more.
Chapter 325
To an Aspirant
A satirical poem attacking Mike de Young's political aspirations, highlighting his corrupt background and unsuitability for the Senate.
Chapter 326
At the White House
The narrator describes a meeting at the White House between two famous but unnamed figures—one a renowned patriot and farmer, the other a cunning president despised by many. They argue over who rightfully belongs in the White House, each claiming divine favor, and the narrator humorously suggests they might still be arguing.
Chapter 327
Tidings of Good
Old Nick observes the world's injustice—the good suffer while the wicked thrive—and vows to amend it. His words are misreported and misunderstood, sparking rumors of a coming reversal. Robert Morrow and Benson react with self-serving interpretations, revealing their own corruption.
Chapter 328
An Actor
The chapter reflects on the actor Joseph Emmett, who interprets a woman's blush as a trumpet-note of fame and persists in his performance despite audience hisses and contention, ultimately clearing the house with a single slow gesture.
Chapter 329
Famine's Realm
The narrator describes Oakland as a land of starvation and death, where famine reigns and the only food available is from a deadly restaurant that serves poisonous meals, including dog meat. He warns of the perils of eating there, recounting his own experience of consuming dog stewed in sewage.
Chapter 330
The Mackaiad
A mock-epic poem recounting a feud between two millionaires, Mackay and Bonynge, sparked by Bonynge's successful petition to the British Queen and Mackay's envious grin. The conflict escalates into a physical brawl, described in grandiose, satirical terms.
Chapter 331
A Song in Praise
The narrator offers a satirical hymn to Blunder, celebrating it as a golden idol for those who fail, and reflecting on the paradox of serving and committing blunders while envying Peter Robertson's seemingly blessed life.
Chapter 332
A Poet's Father
A satirical poem criticizing a pompous educator who oversees public instruction but fails to recognize the folly of his own offspring, suggesting that his son is a dunce.
Chapter 333
A Coward
The chapter explores the torment of a coward who hides behind a false name and cannot escape his own identity, condemned to bear the burden of his true self until death.
Chapter 334
To My Liars
The narrator addresses his enemies, particularly journalists and slanderers, defending his own integrity and arguing that lies are vulgar and unartistic. He asserts that his adversaries' falsehoods only reveal their own moral failings and that he will not stoop to their level, finding victory in their respect.
Chapter 335
"Phil" Crimmins
A brief poetic portrait of Phil Crimmins, whose physical charms and public persona overshadow his follies, leading the world to admire only his virtues as seen from behind.
Chapter 336
On the Scales
The narrator uses the proverb that every loss brings some gain to satirize a political figure, the Dear Governor, who lost weight during an illness. The loss is dismissed as merely water weight, while his character remains unchanged and corrupt. The poem also touches on the political manipulation involving Mark Boruck and the weekly Harridan.
Chapter 337
Codex Honoris
A satirical account of a duel between Jacob Jacobs and Solomon Martin of Oakland, where the bullets are replaced with lard, turning a deadly affair into a farcical display of honor and cowardice.
Chapter 338
To W. H. L. B.
A brief poetic address to W. H. L. B., criticizing his oratory and suggesting that his silence is more effective than his speech, which only amplifies a lesser noise.
Chapter 339
Emancipation
The chapter celebrates the liberation of Calvary Church from its debts, marking a return to miraculous times. It satirizes the church's fundraising methods and the hypocrisy of its congregation, while revealing that Jack Satan, disguised as a deacon, has infiltrated the church and claims a mortgage on the congregation itself.
Chapter 340
Johndonkey
A satirical poem that critiques the human tendency to project one's own limited experiences and vices onto others, using the metaphor of an ass that thinks all the world eats thistles and a dunce who believes all men are like himself. The chapter mocks the arrogance of ignorance and the folly of assuming universal mediocrity.
Chapter 341
Hell
The narrator dies and descends into what he initially believes to be a beautiful, pleasant afterlife, only to discover that the presence of a detested figure, John P. Irish, reveals the true nature of his eternal torment.
Chapter 342
By False Pretenses
The chapter satirizes John S. Hittell, a self-proclaimed genius and author of an opera lacking music and libretto, who gains a fortune from a woman who could not read and was unaware of his writing ability.
Chapter 343
Lucifer of the Torch
The chapter satirizes Reverend Ravlin, a once-fiery boycott leader whose zeal has cooled due to unpaid salary and personal greed. It contrasts his past militant fervor with his current hypocrisy, suggesting he only fights when it pays and now preaches peace to exploit his followers.
Chapter 344
The Whirligig of Time
A brief satirical verse referencing Dr. Jewell and Balaam, highlighting ancient enmities and the cyclical nature of conflict.
Chapter 345
A Railroad Lackey
The narrator satirizes Ben Truman, a writer and railroad lackey, mocking his appearance, his association with Leland Stanford, and his defense of Chinese coolie labor. The poem critiques the corruption and hypocrisy of railroad barons and their sycophants, using biting humor and literary allusions.
Chapter 346
The Legatee
A dying philanthropist in San Francisco writes a will leaving his entire estate to 'the cursedest rascal in all of the State,' but refuses to name the recipient, leaving each man to consider himself the legatee. After his death, a flood of claimants appears, but Judge Murphy, presiding over the case in Department Thirteen, cannot legally determine who qualifies. He dismisses the claimants and lawyers, then declares the property ownerless and takes it for himself, deeming his action legal and straight.
Chapter 347
Died of a Rose
A reporter writes that a grave was covered thick with 'floral tributes,' but his editor corrects him, pointing to a blooming garden and insisting that flowers are flowers, not 'tributes.' The reporter is dismissed for his misleading language.
Chapter 348
A Literary Hangman
A brief, satirical verse describing a character named Neilson who hides a rope beneath his dirty coat, suggesting he is a hangman or executioner who handles everything without gloves except soap, implying a grim and unhygienic profession.
Chapter 349
At the Eleventh Hour
The late Frank Hutchings and Miss Sims, lovers in life, arrive at Heaven's gate. Frank, who murdered her and died repentant, is pristine and bright, while Miss Sims is bedraggled and grim. Frank denies her entry, claiming she had no time to repent, but she retorts that she lingered to see a Christian die.
Chapter 350
A Controversialist
The narrator reflects on the controversial figure Ingersoll and the absurdity of debating God's existence when figures like Bartlett exist, suggesting that Bartlett himself is a hell wherever he goes.
Chapter 351
Mendax
A poetic condemnation of a figure called Mendax, the High Lord of Liars, who is accused of shameless mendacity and leading others astray. The poem prophesies his imminent death and moral decay, suggesting that if he does not die, he is condemned to live on in his wickedness.
Chapter 352
The Retrospective Bird
A poem describing a decrepit, retrospective bird who mopes on the lowest branch, lamenting his lost youth and longing to relive the past, specifically to hear his great-grandfather's comical croaks as published in Bulletin jokes.
Chapter 353
The Oakland Dog
The narrator dreams of a world where all dogs are dead, leading to a silent and peaceful utopia where men treat women, children, and art with respect, and reason reigns from Walnut Creek to San Jose.
Chapter 354
The Unfallen Brave
The poem satirizes Memorial Day observances, suggesting that the true motivation for the gathering is not sorrow or gratitude for fallen soldiers, but rather the opportunity for self-aggrandizement by figures like Barnes and Salomon. It predicts that future generations will honor these 'loquacious braves' with white lilies for their courage and red roses for the blood they did not shed.
Chapter 355
A Celebrated Case
A humorous ballad about Mrs. Roselle, who sprays her lover Petrie with vitriol after he declares he no longer loves her, leading to a trial where the jury is divided on her sanity and his blame.
Chapter 356
Couplets
A satirical poem celebrating a ceremonial sword that is more suited for parade and cutting chicken salad than for actual combat, mocking the pretensions of military display.
Chapter 357
A Retort
The narrator delivers a sharp retort against Barnes, accusing him of projecting his own flaws onto others, referencing the 'Ralston collar mark' as a symbol of his disgrace, and sarcastically advising him to return to Yale to complete his education and learn to play the fool properly.
Chapter 358
A Vision of Resurrection
The narrator dreams of a desolate earth where all graves but one are open, having disgorged their dead for judgment. A voice explains that a million years have passed since the resurrection began, and only one soul remains. The final grave opens, revealing Deacon George K. Fitch, who rises with a superior smile and ascends to heaven.
Chapter 359
Master of Three Arts
The narrator addresses Goldenson, a man with talents in poetry and drawing who has also committed murder. The narrator critiques Goldenson's poetry while reflecting on his own poetic abilities and moral stance against taking life. The chapter ends with a satirical vision of Goldenson at Heaven's gate, where Saint Peter condemns him not for murder but for writing bad poetry.
Chapter 360
Thersites
The chapter presents a scathing public denunciation of a figure accused of mendacity, libel, and deceit, with the speaker positioning himself as a moral arbiter calling out falsehood in a public forum.
Chapter 361
A Society Leader
The narrator satirizes a socialite named Ed Greenway, mocking his constant presence in society pages and his dancing prowess. The poem contrasts frivolous social pursuits with true greatness, suggesting that those who excel at dancing are unlikely to become future generals or heroes. The narrator cynically compares social climbers to monkeys performing tricks, and suggests that the admiration of women and the laughter of men behind their backs are hollow rewards.
Chapter 362
Expositor Veritatis
The narrator dreams of a future where tombs have been replaced by statues of the electro-plated dead, and public places are filled with monumental figures. A single niche in a grand structure holds a statue of Thomas Fitch, and a man declares himself the chief expounder of Truth's temple.
Chapter 363
The Troubadour
The narrator addresses Professor Gayley, praising his academic credentials while sharply criticizing his inability to write poetry. The speaker contrasts Gayley's scholarly authority with his poetic failures, advising him to teach by precept rather than example. The critique extends to Gayley's political views, particularly his hostility toward the British Empire, and the narrator ultimately declares a preference for being a Briton over sharing Gayley's ambitions.
Chapter 364
A Finger on the Lips
The chapter presents a satirical Irish voice celebrating the prospect of Home Rule, only to caution against cheering too loudly for fear that Americans might demand the same.
Chapter 365
Three Highwaymen
A street contractor is robbed of his purse by two highwaymen, leaving him semi-dead on the pavement. He reports the crime to the Chief, who scolds him for complaining about losing only six bits.
Chapter 366
To “Colonel” Dan Burns
The speaker addresses 'Colonel' Dan Burns, dismissing his reputation as a kingmaker and comparing him to a Warwick, but ultimately labeling him an impostor and a human bubble that will vanish when pricked. The speaker suggests Burns's power is illusory and his influence over Markham is merely menial, advising him to abandon his ambition.
Chapter 367
George A. Knight
The chapter condemns attorney George A. Knight for defending a cutthroat named Powell, accusing him of slandering the dead victim Ralph Smith for a fee. It contrasts the corrupt earthly court with the 'Court of Honest Souls' and calls on God to silence Knight's defamations.
Chapter 368
Unarmed
Senator Stephen M. White arrives at heaven's gate and expects immediate entry based on his political status, but Saint Peter challenges him, noting that White always voted for himself. When White threatens to draw his weapon, he realizes he has left it in his other breeches.
Chapter 369
A Political Violet
A satirical poem addressing Leland Stanford, mocking his political ambitions and past reluctance to seek office, while questioning his integrity and the corrupt political landscape.
Chapter 370
The Subdued Editor
Pixley, the editor, is chewing tobacco and imagining it as the blood of Pope Leo XIII. A cheerful, curly-haired youth arrives and announces himself as the devil. Despite Pixley's claims of independence, the devil takes a seat and begins to inspire him, reducing the once-bold editor to a sweating, helpless state.
Chapter 371
Black Bart, Po8
The narrator addresses a former criminal, Black Bart, who has served his term and found crime to be a fiction. The speaker ironically praises Bart's atonement, then reveals a twist: he thought Bart was convicted as a poet, not a stage robber. The narrator laments the proliferation of bad poets and wishes they too could be arrested, leaving Parnassus for himself.
Chapter 372
A "Scion of Nobility"
The chapter mourns the departure of a charming but irresponsible baron who has run away, leaving behind a trail of broken matrimonial plans and unpaid debts. The community laments his loss, recalling his captivating ways and the financial and emotional investment they made in him.
Chapter 373
The Night of Election
On election night, a patriotic figure is offered an overcoat by a stranger who urges him to stay and observe the results. The patriot accepts, revealing he cannot vote but has bet his coat on a candidate.
Chapter 374
The Convicts’ Ball
The chapter describes a grand ball held at San Quentin prison, celebrating the birthday of John S. Gray. The event is attended by a diverse crowd of inmates from various nationalities, with only the Rev. Morrison's church members excluded. The fiddler, a former ship's mate, calls dances in a rough, unrefined style, yet the dance is lively and memorable, with even Hubert Howe Bancroft sending his regrets.
Chapter 375
A Prayer
A mother prays to the 'Sweet Spirit of Cesspool' to spare her offspring and instead direct its deadly, fragrant breath upon the Silurians, leading them to their doom.
Chapter 376
To One Detested
The narrator addresses a figure of profound deceit, cataloging their infamous roles throughout history and scripture—from warrior to betrayer—and culminating in a comparison that elevates their present-day mendacity above all predecessors.
Chapter 377
The Boss’s Choice
A satirical poem mocking a demagogic figure named Gulielmus L. Jocosus, who is portrayed as a slave branded by a boss, advancing foolish fancies and views with poor grammar and stammering speech.
Chapter 378
A Merciful Governor
A damned governor, Stoneman, trapped in Hell for eons, prays for respite. A divine voice grants him ten thousand years of intermission because he once denied a pardon to a criminal, though he had actually signed it but forgotten to deliver it.
Chapter 379
An Interpretation
The chapter presents a satirical resolution to the long-standing critical debate over Hamlet's sanity, declaring through Lonergan's performance that Hamlet was an idiot from birth, thus ending all scholarly dispute.
Chapter 380
A Soaring Toad
The narrator addresses Waterman, criticizing his ambition and disillusionment with public service. The poem argues that those unfit for high office should remain in humble roles, as society quickly turns on those who rise beyond their competence.
Chapter 381
An Undress Uniform
The chapter critiques the idea that clothing defines a person, using Polonius's lie and the hypothetical example of Salomon to argue that true character is revealed in extremis, not by appearance.
Chapter 382
The Perverted Village
A satirical inversion of Oliver Goldsmith's 'The Deserted Village,' this poem portrays a village rife with gossip, disease, and slander, where the speaker longs for death to escape the torment of its inhabitants, ultimately preferring to be devoured by wolves than endure the cruelty of women.
Chapter 383
Mr. Sheets
Satan arrives at Heaven's gate with Clay Sheets, presenting a fraudulent ticket signed by corrupt clergy. Saint Peter refuses entry to Clay Sheets, declaring that nothing of earth is allowed in Heaven.
Chapter 384
A Jack-at-All-Views
The narrator addresses Estee, expressing surprise that he is still alive after having been presumed dead and buried with railroad money. The poem recalls Estee's past as a fierce opponent of railroads who later became a servant to the very 'robber barons' he once fought, and questions his current political stance.
Chapter 385
My Lord Poet
The narrator addresses Hector Stuart, a Scottish prince by descent but lacking in true nobility, advising him to temper his poetic ambitions lest critics humble him, yet offering hope that he may eventually be crowned a dunce across two continents.
Chapter 386
To the Fool-Killer
The narrator welcomes the Fool-Killer as an old friend and discusses their shared mission of eliminating fools. He lists several types of fools he wishes the Killer would dispatch: those who misuse titles, the overly familiar hand-shaker, and the person who burdens others with unwanted introductions. The narrator expresses a desire for the Fool-Killer to continue his work, ending with a toast to the gods of Gall.
Chapter 387
One and One Are Two
The dead rise at the trumpet's sound, and Pickering ascends awkwardly to heaven. Saint Peter questions his entry, but Pickering's candid admission that he is a liar earns him a seat beside Colonel Jackson.
Chapter 388
Montague Leverson
This chapter presents a satirical poetic portrait of Montague Leverson, comparing him to an enormous violet that towers over lesser flowers. The poem emphasizes his overwhelming presence, his pride spanning two nations, and his humility that has outgrown meaner virtues, reaching toward the skies amid the benign sufflation of his cheers.
Chapter 389
The Woeful Tale of Mr. Peters
The chapter recounts the tragicomic story of William Perry Peters, a haughty pedagogue from Muscatel who attends a convention in San Francisco to advance the cause of education. After eagerly waiting for a chance to speak, he is finally recognized but becomes overwhelmed by the attention, metaphorically catching fire from the heat of the crowd's gaze. He flees the building into the scorching street, where the sudden temperature change causes him to freeze to death.
Chapter 390
Twin Unworthies
The narrator excoriates parasitic sycophants who cling to the wealthy, comparing them to ticks on sheep and lice on men, and declares them unworthy of further ink.
Chapter 391
Art
A brief satirical poem questioning the obsession with finding the 'true' portrait of Columbus, suggesting that since he never sat for a portrait, any depiction is equally valid and that the real desire is for a face that prophesies the coming of ninety million fools.
Chapter 392
A War Cry
Charles Shortridge issues a terrifying war cry that sends pale horrors shuddering through eternal space, suggesting a figure of immense and dreadful power.
Chapter 393
In Dissuasion
The narrator dissuades Dan Burns from pursuing a Senate seat, warning that the ambition leads to humiliation, corruption, and imprisonment, drawing parallels to Mars and the Moon.
Chapter 394
A Prediction
A satirical poem predicting impossible events that must occur before Field and Terry will fight a duel, mocking political rivalries and societal absurdities.
Chapter 395
Another Plan
Editor Owen, weary of writing unread work, dreams of an angel who advises him to abandon the pen and take up lecturing. Owen agrees, but the angel departs pained. Owen then spends his years speaking to empty halls.
Chapter 396
A Political Apostate
The speaker addresses a former champion of freedom who has turned coat, now supporting the Southern cause and the subjugation of Black people. The poem criticizes political hypocrisy, the betrayal of principles for personal gain, and the futility of intellectual debate when giants of error lead the ignorant astray. It ends with a hope for a future governed by impartial chance rather than fallible human judgment.
Chapter 397
Tinker Dick
The chapter satirizes a sermon by Parson Dickson, criticizing its age and irrelevance, and suggests that the world is becoming increasingly disordered despite such preaching.
Chapter 398
A Peaceful Community
The narrator reflects on Lone Mountain's cemetery, contrasting the peaceful dead with the living's chaos, and satirically suggests the dead would govern better than current authorities.
Chapter 399
With a Book
A brief reflection on the paradox of reading, where words convey emotion but lack clear sense, comparing the obscurity of Browning's poetry to blacking.
Chapter 400
A Competitor
The narrator, addressing Mrs. Frona Eunice Wait, humorously defends her own unconventional physique against artistic standards of beauty, asserting that her father's pride and her own confidence in self-promotion matter more than conforming to ideals. She challenges Wait to compete herself, questioning why she does not enter the fray.
Chapter 401
Generosity
A brief satirical poem about the Mikado's poetic abilities and Dick Watson Gilder's sparing of a laurel leaf.
Chapter 402
Bats in Sunshine
The narrator addresses Mr. Kemble, a divine, criticizing his intolerance of Renan's writings and suggesting that his thrift and piety mask a lack of true toleration. The poem asserts that truth's purpose is to expose and confound those who hide from it.
Chapter 403
A Word to the Unwise
The narrator addresses Charles Main, a wealthy man who has ordered a grand mausoleum, and reflects on the futility of such monuments. He argues that time and nature will destroy any tomb, and that true remembrance depends on deeds and records, not stone. The poem warns against pride and the illusion that a grand burial preserves one's name or glory.
Chapter 404
On the Platform
The narrator attends a lecture by Dr. Bill Bartlett on intellectual life, but finds it so tedious that he falls asleep and dreams of Bartlett being hanged on a gibbet. In the dream, the narrator urges him to leave the platform, but Bartlett falls through the trap, and the narrator becomes fascinated by the thoughts expressed in his dying movements.
Chapter 405
Judge Not
The chapter satirizes labor leaders and revolutionaries, portraying their fiery rhetoric and dramatic gestures as empty threats, ultimately revealing them as figures of submission rather than rebellion.
Chapter 406
Desperation
The narrator laments a life wasted in futile struggle against fate, haunted by remorse and specters of hate, and cries out for rest and peace, expressing a willingness to give up everything except life itself.
Chapter 407
To Dog
A satirical poem addressing the dog as a base, uncivilized creature, reflecting on its primitive origins and suggesting that even a dog, like man, could fall from grace.
Chapter 408
To a Grabber
The narrator addresses Prentiss Maslin, accusing him of embodying greed itself. Maslin is portrayed as the 'king of crimes,' a memorial of theft who has grown great from corruption. The poem critiques his insatiable greed, contrasting it with the hope of finding a man who loved himself unselfishly.
Chapter 409
Memorial Day
The chapter reflects on the end of Memorial Day ceremonies, noting the silence after the speeches and the eternal peace of the heroes, despite the pomp and titles of the living.
Chapter 410
A Dampened Ardor
A fire rages through Chinatown in Bakersfield, defying heavy rain. When an elderly preacher suggests turning the streams onto the flames, the firemen resent his interference and retaliate by dousing him instead, killing him.
Chapter 411
Adair Welcker, Poet
A brief poetic tribute to Adair Welcker, a poet from Sacramento, comparing his impending death-song to that of the Swan of Avon (Shakespeare), with a hyperbolic warning that his final poem will be so powerful it could kill listeners.
Chapter 412
To a Word-Warrior
The narrator addresses Frank Pixley, a fiery orator and writer who stirred up hatred during the Civil War, condemning his hypocrisy and violent rhetoric. The poem reflects on the enduring bonds between England and America, suggesting that despite past conflicts, a deeper spiritual and blood connection remains unbroken.
Chapter 413
A Culinary Candidate
A short satirical poem suggesting that a cook or waiter, while competent in their own trade, is not fit for the office of Recorder. The speaker dismissively tells Mr. Walton to take their order instead.
Chapter 414
To One Acquitted
The speaker addresses a man who has killed someone but escaped execution, likely due to a hung jury. The poem satirizes the legal system's inconsistencies and the diminished custom of hangings, suggesting that while the murderer forfeited his life in principle, in practice he retains even his clothing.
Chapter 415
Satan's Modest Refusal of Earthly Monuments
Satan visits the earth and a follower laments that no monuments exist to honor him, unlike the many statues erected for mortal heroes. Satan responds with false modesty, claiming he shuns earthly fame and prefers the humble glory of telling the true stories behind those very pedestals.
Chapter 416
At the Observatory
Mahatma Holden, the self-styled Autocrat of Stars, spends years patiently observing the heavens in search of a great discovery. After enduring repeated disappointments, he finally witnesses a magnificent orb through his telescope. Overcome with emotion, he collapses and is found unconscious. Upon revival, he demands writing materials to record his discovery before the memory fades, and proudly announces that he has found the Moon.
Chapter 417
The Oleomargarine Man
In Marin County, a thrifty butter-maker named Mr. Wilson attempts to churn a bull into butter, but the bull calmly defeats him and spreads the butterman on a slice of Southern Oregon.
Chapter 418
The Genesis of Crime
God commands the creation of Crime, leading Satan to bring Stoneman (Stupidity) and then Opportunity, which combine to produce Crime.
Chapter 419
Llewellyn Powell
A poetic condemnation of a villain named Llewellyn Powell, warning that even if he escapes earthly punishment and is sainted, Nemesis will pursue him everywhere—in nature, in storms, in the stars, and in the dead man's eyes—and that his guilt will condemn him to a living death haunted by furies.
Chapter 420
The Sunset Gun
Sir Walter Turnbull, determined to fire a sunset gun precisely as the sun dips below the horizon, commands his crew to prepare the cannon. When the sun sets, the gunner pulls the lanyard, but it breaks and no shot is fired. The sun, as if in defiance, rises back from the sea.
Chapter 421
The Viduate Dame
A humorous ballad describes the widow of Thomas Blythe going on a spree, dancing the can-can in a scanty costume on a window ledge, and causing chaos as ten constables fail to subdue her, leading to calls for the National Guard.
Chapter 422
Four of a Kind
The chapter presents four satirical poetic portraits of individuals, each highlighting their moral failings, hypocrisy, or absurdity through biting verse.
Chapter 423
Robert F. Morrow
The narrator addresses Robert F. Morrow, a stranger and foe, expressing a paradoxical and intense desire to embrace him despite his lack of tenderness, wit, and social disgrace. The poem culminates in a declaration of love and a dark pun on being a 'Rope' as a Valentine.
Chapter 424
Alfred Clarke, Jr.
A satirical poem addressing Alfred Clarke, Jr., the son of a notable father, who is responsible for sounding the fire alarm. The speaker warns him to pause before calling out, suggesting that the red glow he sees might not be a fire but the blushes of good men ashamed of his actions.
Chapter 425
Judge Rutledge
A satirical portrait of Judge Rutledge, depicted as a 'Sultan of Stupids' who lacks the wisdom to remain indoors after a storm, and whose presence prompts Justice to weep while keeping a watchful eye.
Chapter 426
W. H. L. Barnes
A satirical poem reflecting on the delayed wages of sin, where the sinner receives punishment only in old age, rendering physical threats harmless but leaving him vulnerable to the cruel truth of his own reflection.
Chapter 427
Reconciliation
Stanford and Huntington reconcile after a long feud, prompting the narrator to flee in fear for his purse.
Chapter 428
A Vision of Climate
The narrator dreams of being poor, ill, and sad, lamenting his misfortunes. A troop of personified Presences appears, claiming to be the 'Finest Climate in the World' and introducing its offspring—Champagne Atmosphere, Mammoth Squash, Strawberry All the Year, No Lightning, Wholesome Earthquake, Italian Sky, Unstriking Sun, and Compos Mentis Dog. They rebuke his discontent, urging him to join in praising the climate. The narrator angrily dismisses them, then awakens and returns to work.
Chapter 429
A “Mass” Meeting
The narrator observes a solemn political gathering disguised as a religious mass, where Republicans gather to pray for the repose of Colonel Markham's tongue, satirizing the blending of politics and piety.
Chapter 430
The New Dennis
This chapter satirizes Dennis Kearney's political shift from opposing railroad monopolies to aligning with them, using the metaphor of common carriers making common cause. It highlights the hypocrisy of Kearney and Crocker uniting as 'pigs together' despite their previous enmity.
Chapter 431
A Rational Anthem
A satirical rewrite of 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee' that celebrates corruption, theft, and lawlessness as the true foundations of the nation, mocking patriotism and the hypocrisy of American governance.
Chapter 432
Incivism
The chapter critiques the hypocrisy of politicians who condemn a citizen for not participating in their schemes, revealing that their real motive is to exploit him financially regardless of which faction succeeds.
Chapter 433
Famine in Prosperity
Two monks observe lean cattle on a battlefield, surrounded by abundant dead flesh, and one remarks on the irony of cows starving amidst plenty.
Chapter 434
An Epigrammatist
Hector Stuart, in a terse mood, takes up his pencil and declares he will write an epigram, which he proceeds to do.
Chapter 435
Fig Leaf
This chapter defines the 'Fig Leaf' as an artist's trick used to protect nude art from the offended eyes of prudes. It recounts a crusade against classical nude statues, where a prude's reaction led an artist to deface the art, causing the goddess of art to flee. Since then, artists struggle to create meaningful work, and their efforts are futile or distorted.
Chapter 436
For President, Leland Stanford
A satirical poem depicting Leland Stanford as 'Mahomet Stanford' who, driven by greed, sees a mirage of a gold mountain and attempts to command it closer. When the mountain does not move, he kicks his advisor Pixley Pasha and declares he will go to the mountain instead. After a massive expedition, the mountain vanishes at dawn, and Stanford furiously curses Pixley.
Chapter 437
For Mayor
The narrator refuses to support Abner Doble's mayoral campaign, mocking his name as catarrhal and suggesting it would bring ridicule rather than acclaim. The narrator declares they will instead cheer for another candidate, unwilling to have their influence associated with such a laughable name.
Chapter 438
A Mine for Reformers
The chapter presents a poetic allegory of creation, describing how God sorted the materials of the world but left a residue of unnamable, unassorted matter that now serves as the source of ideals for all creation.
Chapter 439
In Pickle
The chapter satirizes the embalming of President Garfield's body, criticizing the poor quality of the preservation and the hypocrisy of public mourning. It questions the dead's right to complain about how they are treated after death, using the metaphor of pickling and preserving food to mock the superficiality of funeral rites and memorials.
Chapter 440
James Montague, Poet
A brief poetic commentary on the poet James Montague, noting that while he wrote with ease, the quality of his verse was such that anyone could replicate it, though others might struggle to do so.
Chapter 441
A Cheating Preacher
The narrator addresses a preacher named Munhall, accusing him of hypocrisy in his methods of saving souls. While the narrator does not accuse Munhall of outright falsehoods, he criticizes the preacher's use of fear and damnation, suggesting that the very tactics employed to save souls are those invented by the Devil to ensnare them. The narrator warns that Munhall himself may be cheating by dealing from the bottom of the deck, implying his salvation efforts are corrupt.
Chapter 442
A Crocodile
The narrator addresses Peter Robertson, suggesting that death is preferable to a life filled with foolishness and empty talk. The grave offers peace from the incessant noise of the living, and even the sharpest wit is lost on the dead.
Chapter 443
The American Party
A satirical poem addressing Marcus D. Boruck, who joined a small political party (the American Party) with Pixley, hoping to advance himself, but now faces betrayal as enough Irish members have joined to oust him. The speaker sympathizes with Boruck's misfortune, noting that neither Republicans nor Democrats will accept him.
Chapter 444
Uncoloneled
The chapter discusses the resignation of Colonel Mark McDonald amid ominous signs of war with Mexico, suggesting his premonition of conflict and his aspiration for a commission in the G.A.R.
Chapter 445
The Gates Ajar
The Day of Judgment arrives as graves open and souls ascend to the heavenly court. Republicans lead the procession, followed by Democrats. Reub Lloyd rises first, and four party statesmen—including William Stow and George A. Knight—gather around the throne. Judge Blake, his ermine stained by politics, is granted a seat on the bench. Tom Shannon is tried in forma pauperis and acquitted, with Stow and Lloyd supporting his nomination.
Chapter 446
To a Bully
The narrator directly addresses George Perry, a lawyer and former state legislator, accusing him of hypocrisy, bullying witnesses in court, and possibly abusing his wife. The narrator imagines cross-examining Perry to expose his faults, ultimately dismissing him as one of many corrupt lawyers destined for a private Hell.
Chapter 447
A Land Fight
A satirical poem contrasts the might of Dewey with the power of Grip, depicting a confrontation filled with military pomp and a voice that claims victory over a festive opponent. The tale is to be remembered by the brave, even stirring the dead Montojo from his grave.
Chapter 448
Compliance
A short poem contrasting the outward piety of Rockefeller senior and junior with their actions, suggesting a theme of hypocrisy in religious and moral compliance.
Chapter 449
Arboriculture
The chapter presents a defiant poetic defense of Joaquin Miller's plan to plant trees in a Maltese cross formation on Goat Island, with the speaker arrogantly claiming credit for the existence of forests and insisting the trees will grow despite skepticism.
Chapter 450
A Holiday
Master Barry, the editor, takes a holiday to escape the 'Boodle-Scribbler crowd' and urban life, seeking solace in the countryside. He is warned by locals about poison oak, but his presence blights the plants as he passes.
Chapter 451
Rejected
A darkly humorous poem describing the death of Dr. Charles O'Donnell, whose coffin is sent to Hell but rejected by Old Nick as unwanted 'rubbish' sent C.O.D.
Chapter 452
Judex Judicatus
A satirical poem attacking Judge Armstrong for his hypocritical treatment of the poor versus the wealthy in his courtroom, accusing him of harsh publicity for the needy and secret, lenient proceedings for the rich, with a broader condemnation of California's judiciary as servile to wealth.
Chapter 453
On the Wedding of an Aeronaut
A poem celebrating the marriage of an aeronaut, who is metaphorically brought down from the skies by a lady's eyes, trading his freedom of flight for a guided earthly path.
Chapter 454
A Hasty Inference
Satan, covered in grime from the Pit, requests a consultation with Saint Peter and the Master. He argues that after ten million years of being deemed immoral, he deserves equal status in Heaven, pointing out that wealthy and corrupt figures like Stanford, Crocker, and Huntington have been allowed to flourish despite their crimes. The Master responds with disdain, and Satan expresses his confusion, believing that the Master's tolerance of such corruption implies a conversion to Satan's own way of thinking.
Chapter 455
A Voluptuary
The narrator addresses a figure of luxury and indulgence, a master of revels in a pleasure-dome by the sea, who keeps a poet to chronicle his hedonistic nights. The speaker expresses a desire to join the revels, claiming discretion.
Chapter 456
Ad Cattonum
The narrator addresses Mr. Catton, a Chilean Consul, criticizing him for slandering the United States and its ministers, and warning that such behavior will be met with physical retaliation.
Chapter 457
The National Guardsman
A satirical poem presenting a self-proclaimed 'gorgeous golden hero' who serves as a National Guardsman, contrasting his proud, martial posture with the physical discomfort of standing guard on hard stones.
Chapter 458
The Barking Weasel
The narrator addresses John Irish, criticizing him for his artificial beard and his tendency to engage in public brawls. The narrator suggests that Irish's wounds and notoriety are not signs of glory but rather of a reckless and impoverished life.
Chapter 459
A Rear Elevation
The chapter praises the expressive power of the actor Salvini, comparing his ability to convey emotion through his back to the biblical story of Moses seeing God's rear. It elevates the art of performance and the subtlety of non-verbal communication.
Chapter 460
In Upper San Francisco
The narrator arrives in Heaven, expecting a bright and fair place free of politicians, but finds it neglected and corrupt. The Tree of Life has been stripped by Durst and Siebe, the golden pavement stolen by Gilleran, and even Satan has left on strike, disgusted by the influx of priests and parsons.
Chapter 461
Nimrod
The chapter reflects on the great hunters and talkers of the past, such as Nimrod, Actaeon, and Bahram-Gur, contrasting their legendary feats with the diminished possibilities of the present. It laments that while there is still much to kill, there is nothing left to tell, suggesting a loss of epic storytelling and heroic achievement.
Chapter 462
The New Decalogue
A satirical rewriting of the Ten Commandments that exposes the hypocrisy and self-interest underlying conventional morality, turning each biblical injunction into a cynical maxim for personal gain.
Chapter 463
Ultra Crepidam
The chapter addresses a misunderstanding about a reference to the Catholic Church in the Philippines made during a speech at Stanford University, with Gen. Funston calling it a scandal. The narrator advises sticking to one's known weapon—the sword rather than the tongue—as even a dull Filipino can understand a sabre's meaning.
Chapter 464
Censor Literarum
The narrator addresses Parson Stebbins, criticizing his hypocrisy in condemning the press while relying on it for his own fame and influence. The poem defends the press against clerical censure, pointing out the parson's own imperfections and suggesting a higher court of judgment.
Chapter 465
Borrowed Brains
The chapter satirizes the literary community's obsession with Joaquin Miller's cut hair, suggesting that writers believe they can absorb his intellectual power by finding and wearing a strand of it. It mocks the superficial pursuit of genius and the desperate measures taken to achieve literary fame.
Chapter 466
Ye Fyghtynge Seventh
A mock-heroic poem describing the chaotic and fearsome battle of the Seventh regiment, with vivid imagery of war's horrors and a focus on the colonel being beaten and cursed.
Chapter 467
Indicted
The narrator addresses Bruner, criticizing his moral and legal transgressions, comparing his difficult path to biblical and literary references, and warning him of impending imprisonment.
Chapter 468
Over the Border
The narrator addresses Justice, personified as a fugitive who has fled to Mexico to escape persecution from Law, Religion, the Press, Politics, and Morals. The poem contrasts Justice's fate with that of Haman, who was hanged, and references Daniel Burns languishing in a Mexican prison.
Chapter 469
To an Insolent Attorney
The narrator launches a scathing poetic attack on Hall McAllister, a lawyer who has insulted the press. The poem contrasts the press's role in exposing corruption with the lawyer's willingness to lie for money, condemning the legal profession's hypocrisy and mercenary ethics.
Chapter 470
Accepted
Charles Shortridge approaches St. Peter at heaven's gate, but is initially denied entry for being a liar. However, when Shortridge claims he said the same thing about liars burning in hell, St. Peter doubts his own memory and allows him in.
Chapter 471
A Promised Fast Train
The narrator envisions a future train journey that begins with promise and joy, but descends into decay and disaster as greed corrupts the railway, ending with a single bloody wheel arriving at the terminus.
Chapter 472
From the Death-Column
The chapter presents a series of epitaphs and memorial verses that satirize the platitudes and hypocrisies surrounding death and mourning, highlighting the gap between sentimental public grief and the often grim realities of the deceased's life.
Chapter 473
The Farmer’s Prayer
A satirical prayer in which a farmer appeals to God for rain, complaining of unfair distribution of rainfall and asking for divine punishment on those who pray for higher corn prices, while revealing self-serving motives.
Chapter 474
One of the Saints
A satirical poem about Big Smith, a morally rigid Oakland School Board member who condemns the teaching of Victor Hugo's 'Hernani' in schools without understanding what it is, revealing his own ignorance and hypocrisy.
Chapter 475
A Military Incident
At dawn, a gunner at Fort Douglas prepares to fire the sunrise gun, but the cannon prematurely explodes, blowing off both his arms. The gunner, an Irishman from Ballyshannon, remarks that the sun is a minute late according to the cannon's timing.
Chapter 476
Substance or Shadow
The narrator defends personal satire against critics who advocate attacking only vice in the abstract, arguing that specific rogues like Pixley, Deacon Fitch, Stanford, and Creed Haymond deserve direct assault for their hypocrisy and crimes.
Chapter 477
The Committee on Public Morals
The Senate in Sacramento lacks a committee on public morals despite their abundance. After a riotous quarrel among the senators, a committee is formed but public morals remain absent.
Chapter 478
A Playwright
Saint Peter confronts the soul of William Greer Harrison at the Gate of Gold, accusing him of writing a terrible play called 'Runnymede.' Harrison defends himself, claiming he has since written only lies about his critics. Enraged, Saint Peter strikes Harrison with his key, sending him hurtling toward Sheol.
Chapter 479
The Leader of the Minority
A brief poetic chapter describing a leader guiding a minority through a harsh wilderness, visible by day as a clod and by night as a pillar of fire, providing water in the darkness.
Chapter 480
California
A satirical poem criticizing the hypocrisy of a Christian society that allows a violent assailant to walk free while condemning the victim, highlighting the disconnect between religious piety and moral action in California.
Chapter 481
George C. Perkins
A brief satirical poem describing George C. Perkins' clumsy and lowly campaign for Senator, where Fortune itself intervenes to kick him to victory.
Chapter 482
To Either
A poetic comparison between a wealthy man and a beggar who both die on the same day, share the same name, and are ultimately forgotten, questioning the value of monuments and fame.
Chapter 483
Disappointment
The Senate awakens from its slumber as a long-winded speaker, Steele, finally stops talking. A colleague, Reddy, taunts him, and six bears attack Steele, each taking a different limb. The last bear, disappointed at having nothing to eat, is told by Steele to look in the Treasury for the remaining flipper.
Chapter 484
The Valley of the Shadow of Theft
In Yosemite, the narrator laments the pervasive greed and theft that corrupt even the natural landscape, personifying landmarks like El Capitan, Bridal Veil, and Half-Dome as victims of human avarice and moral decay.
Chapter 485
Down Among the Dead Men
The narrator, buried in a grave, overhears the poet Bashford attempting to exhume his remains. Bashford laments his lost fame and the oblivion that has swallowed his reputation, while the narrator rebukes him. The poem ends with Bashford revealing he is not trying to remove the remains but to join them in the grave.
Chapter 486
The Last Man
In a dream, Gabriel attempts to sound the horn of Resurrection on Laurel Hill, but no one rises. He questions a mysterious observer about the absence of the dead, only to learn that the bodies have been reburied in San Mateo, mixed up and disorganized. The observer, revealed to be Henry George, declares that he owns the land and will not give it up.
Chapter 487
Arbor Day
A short, satirical poem that twists the celebration of Arbor Day into a darkly humorous threat against a School Director, suggesting the planted trees will one day bear his hanged body.
Chapter 488
The Piute
A satirical and derogatory poem describing the Piute (Paiute) people as unsavory, destitute of soap, and engaged in crude survival practices such as hunting jackrabbits and eating grasshoppers, snails, and pine nuts. The narrator expresses a wish that the Piute would open a grin large enough to consume their Agent, reflecting a bitter critique of both the Indigenous people and the government agents assigned to them.
Chapter 489
Fame
A monarch laments his fading renown while reading a book titled 'The Chronicles of the Kings,' revealing the cost and pain behind his pursuit of fame.
Chapter 490
One of the Redeemed
Saint Peter encounters the soul of Ernest Renan at the Gates of Heaven. Renan, a French literary master and infidel, is welcomed by Peter despite his reputation. A self-righteous preacher from San Francisco named Mansfield, who had denounced Renan, is revealed to be in Heaven only because the Devil refused him. Renan decides to try his luck with the Devil instead.
Chapter 491
A Critic
The narrator launches a scathing poetic attack on the Cleveland Leader, accusing it of being a poor judge of poetry and a dumping ground for worthless literary refuse. The poem compares the newspaper's editors to scavengers dumping dead-dog sentiments and swill-tub fancies into a vacant lot, warning that their bog of garbage will sink to the devil.
Chapter 492
A Question of Eligibility
A battered and bruised man laments a disastrous brawl at the Academy of Sciences, triggered by a resolution to ban idiots from membership. The chairman's attempt to keep order by turning off the gas leads to a chaotic fight in the dark, leaving many injured or dead. The chapter ends by questioning whether the resulting vacancies should be filled by idiots.
Chapter 493
Fleet Strother
A brief satirical verse questioning the relationship between a person and the Capitol, suggesting that the person was born in its shadow and playfully reversing the expected relationship between the individual and the institution.
Chapter 494
Reciprocity
The narrator, exhausted and despairing on a dark night, climbs to Lick Observatory where he finds Professor Holden seated beneath a reversed telescope. Holden explains that after years of studying the stars, he now allows the planets to observe him in return, embodying the principle of reciprocity.
Chapter 495
Californian Summer Pictures
A series of vignettes depicting life in a California summer resort, from the motley guests in the parlor to the dusty streets and a tragic hunting accident, blending satire and dark humor.
Chapter 496
The Foot-Hill Resort
The chapter presents a satirical portrait of the guests assembled at a mountain resort, cataloging a diverse array of social types—from the elocutionist and the mimic to the vulgarian, the prude, and the flirtatious widower—highlighting the hypocrisy and absurdity of polite society.
Chapter 497
The In-Coming Climate
A short poem describing the arrival of a new climate that brings ocean breezes laden with allergens, causing the inhabitants to sneeze in unison.
Chapter 498
A Long-Felt Want
The chapter presents a satirical scene of a sidewalk booth on Market Street offering tooth dusting for five cents, with a queue of people waiting for service.
Chapter 499
To the Happy Hunting Grounds
A poetic vignette depicting two city sportsmen who, while hunting, accidentally shoot each other dead instead of a solitary sick dove. The local coroner collects their remains in a game-bag, while the dove, startled into flight, escapes to die of old age elsewhere.
Chapter 500
Slander
A brief dialogue between Fitch and Pickering discussing the nature of slander and vice as reported in the papers, with Pickering denying the accusations.
Chapter 501
James L. Flood
A poetic address to James L. Flood, praising his rise from obscurity to prominence while critiquing a persistent vice that mars his otherwise bright character: his writing.
Chapter 502
Three Candidates for Senator
A satirical poem skewering political ambition and the absurdity of the senatorial race, using vivid imagery of soap, butter, and a role-reversing rider and beast to mock the candidates and the electorate's confusion.
Chapter 503
A Growler
The narrator criticizes Judge Shafter for his constant, ill-tempered scolding and cursing in court, comparing his behavior to a jaybird, a howling dog, and a growling bear, and urging him to reform.
Chapter 504
Ad Moodium
A poetic meditation on faith and reason, arguing that faith is a form of belief that cannot be forced, and that reason ultimately decides what is believed, often reflecting one's own folly.
Chapter 505
A Spade
The chapter uses the image of a spade that turned the first sod for the Central Pacific Railroad as a symbol of corruption and ruin. It reflects on the blood, tears, and moral decay associated with the railroad's construction, envisioning a procession of corrupt judges, bribed legislators, and sycophantic scribes, ultimately portraying the spade as a devil's lance surrounded by the ghosts of murdered virtues.
Chapter 506
The Van Nessiad
A mock-epic poem describing a prolonged neighborhood dispute over Porter Ashe's plan to build a stable on his lot in Van Ness Avenue, with neighbors fiercely opposing it. The conflict escalates into a war of words and curses, observed by Jove from Olympus, who ultimately decides the outcome by spinning a nickel. He sends Mercury to 'salivate' Porter Ashe, but Mercury returns to report that Ashe never had any sense to begin with.
Chapter 507
Valedictory
The narrator addresses Deacon Fitch directly, mocking his lack of financial success compared to Mike de Young, who is rich but not respected. The narrator reflects on their long contentious relationship, criticizes de Young's character, and offers a farewell handshake to Fitch, suggesting they will both eventually be buried near Mike's monument.
Chapter 508
A Fish Commissioner
A satirical poem about Joseph D. Redding, who mistakes a fish-horn for the trumpet of Fame, leading the goddess Fame to angrily fill her trumpet with ink and splatter his name through the press.
Chapter 509
To a Stray Dog
The narrator encounters a stray dog, speculates on its name and etymology, and humorously rechristens it 'Goucher' while threatening to shoot it if it ever 'Gouches.'
Chapter 510
In His Hand
A satirical poem recounting the story of De Young, who boldly confronts the blind, man-eating Buckley to demand a fair ballot count. The poem celebrates De Young's triumph in a corrupt political campaign, suggesting his life is spared to atone for his sins, and ends with an ironic image of his hand washed with cologne.
Chapter 511
A Demagogue
The chapter presents a poetic lament from a demagogue who feels trapped in the endless cycle of rabble-rousing, speech-making, and political performance, expressing weariness with the pursuit of votes and honors that never come.
Chapter 512
Ignis Fatuus
A satirical elegy mourning a politician named Buckley, whose sudden departure to Montreal reveals his corrupt nature. The poem laments his loss while mocking his hypocrisy and the loyal followers who now denounce him.
Chapter 513
From Top to Bottom
The narrator satirizes the hypocrisy of Buddhist priests in Japan, contrasting their scandalous lives with the supposed virtue of a Christian figure, Deacon Rankin, while mocking religious pretensions across traditions.
Chapter 514
An Idler
The chapter satirizes an idle person who wastes time telling Creed Haymond he is witty, rather than engaging in productive or even mischievous activities. It contrasts this pointless flattery with more worthwhile pursuits, such as market manipulation or petty theft, ultimately criticizing the idler's lack of purpose and the harmful effects of his empty praise.
Chapter 515
The Dead King
A satirical poem reflecting on the death of Hawaii's king and the hypocritical response of the legislature, contrasting their lack of respect for the deceased monarch with the exaggerated mourning they expect for themselves.
Chapter 516
A Patter Song
A satirical poem about a conceited and foolish governor who, while showing off his supposed graces, is tossed into the sky by an ancient cow.
Chapter 517
A Caller
Death visits a fat assassin in the county jail, engaging in a darkly humorous dialogue about life, aging, and public discontent. The assassin complains that people object to his growing old rather than his crimes, and Death responds by declaring he will go to the Supreme Court to 'tap' the old judges.
Chapter 518
The Shafter Shafted
The narrator addresses James McMillan Shafter, a former judge, criticizing his hypocrisy in vilifying the press while seeking its support as a political candidate. The narrator argues that not all judges are respectable, implying corruption among them.
Chapter 519
To One Out of Favor
The poem addresses a person named Miles who has been forcibly retired, comparing his fall from favor to that of General Sam Young. While Young receives a healing kiss from Mr. Secretary, Miles is left bruised and abandoned. The speaker suggests that Miles is lucky to have avoided the temptation of being bitten by the Administration's teeth.
Chapter 520
Privation
A widow, deeply absorbed in her grief while riding behind a hearse, becomes distressed over a perceived forgotten handkerchief, only to be reminded that she is already holding it, revealing a moment of comic distraction amidst mourning.
Chapter 521
To One in Custody
A direct and impassioned address to a villain who has long plied a terrible trade, preying on wives and widows. The speaker recounts years of witnessing prophetic signs of the villain's downfall and now declares that the final judgment has arrived, condemning the villain's body to prison and his soul to Hell.
Chapter 522
For a Revised Version
The narrator humbly proposes revisions to divine law, adding positive commandments to counteract those who obey only the negative prohibitions, aiming to expose hypocritical 'negatively good' rogues and compel true virtue.
Chapter 523
The Mormon Question
The narrator declares a defiant intention to shed his civilized trappings and journey to the land of the Mormons, a place despised by the Gentile, where he embraces a raw, untamed identity.
Chapter 524
An Election Expense
The narrator critiques Stanford's political financing, specifically a $10,000 payment to Tom Fitch for stump speaking, and suggests that such investments in politics are corrupt and ultimately unwise.
Chapter 525
William F. Smith
A brief elegiac passage honoring William F. Smith, wishing him undisturbed peace and a deeper rest than Paradise itself.
Chapter 526
Juventus Mundi
Dr. Allen Griffiths, a grieving Theosopher and student of Blavatsky, laments the loss of his teacher while extolling a primordial era when humanity flourished for three hundred million years, untouched by the corrupting Faculty of Thinking—a golden age of Theosophical ascendency that ended when thought invaded the innocent human mind.
Chapter 527
Two Guides
The narrator contrasts two guides: Deacon Fitch, a religious beacon, and Robert Ingersoll, a secular wit. Despite Ingersoll's lack of philosophy or logic, the narrator prefers his clear illumination over Fitch's infernal sputtering taper, suggesting a choice between flawed but honest skepticism and hypocritical piety.
Chapter 528
In Warning
A satirical poem warning Rudyard Kipling against visiting the American West due to his previous disparaging remarks about San Francisco, Chicago, and American culture. The speaker lists Kipling's offenses, including insulting local politicians, orators, and the American accent, and suggests that if he comes to shoot, he might find himself the target instead.
Chapter 529
Apparition
The poem describes a ghost that haunts the editorial office of the Bulletin, writing with a real quill on real paper, producing phantoms of thoughts from dead men. The ghost's presence terrifies editors, printers, and readers alike, and the poem ends with a lament that Bill Bartlett will never stay dead.
Chapter 530
A Creditable Collision
A satirical poem describes a maritime collision in Imaginary Bay where a steamer cuts through another vessel. The passengers panic and scramble, the crew meets their fate with alacrity, and afterward a court of consuls, inspectors, coroners, and objectors rules it a 'spontaneous collision,' commending the skippers for feeding the lobsters.
Chapter 531
An Emigrant
The narrator, feeling ill at ease in a land of misgovernment and greed, describes a place where violence and corruption are rampant, justice is absent, and faction leads to anarchy. Facing prosecution and loss of ill-gotten gains, he longs to be wafted to a safer sky where he can continue his plunder and free speech.
Chapter 532
Contempt of Court
The chapter satirizes Juror Simpson's drunkenness during a trial, contrasting his behavior with the sober Judge Ross, and warns of the judge's impending contempt ruling.
Chapter 533
A Partial Eclipse
A person of consequence rises from the dead and engages in a cryptic exchange with a curious citizen about fame and recognition, causing a surreal disturbance that affects animals and even the foreseer of eclipses.
Chapter 534
On Stone: Some Ante-Mortem Epitaphs
The chapter presents a series of satirical epitaphs written before death, mocking various public figures—politicians, judges, journalists, and others—by exposing their hypocrisy, corruption, and moral failings through dark humor and ironic verse.
Chapter 535
I: George Francis Train
The chapter is a satirical epitaph for George Francis Train, mocking his lack of honor, wit, and sincerity, and condemning him as a scoundrel and hypocrite whose fame is undeserved and whose death brings no redemption.
Chapter 536
II: A King of Craft
This chapter is a satirical epitaph for Sam Chamberlain, portraying him as a duplicitous and manipulative figure—a 'titmouse Machiavelli' whose fatal smile and polite perfidy allowed him to run 'half-a-hundred little Hells.' The poem reflects on his death, his hidden, mole-like soul, and the lingering uncertainty about whether he is truly gone, concluding with a sardonic relief that he no longer smiles.
Chapter 537
III: Stephen Dorsey
The chapter introduces Stephen Dorsey as a masterful and shameless rascal, skilled in lying and revealing secrets under the guise of truth, whose method of keeping a secret is to tell it.
Chapter 538
IV: Mr. Justice Field
A satirical epitaph for a judge who relied on loaded dice, metaphorically representing corruption in the justice system, with railway metal as the weight of bribery.
Chapter 539
V: General B. F. Butler
A brief poetic epitaph for General B. F. Butler, describing the return of his flesh to earth and soul to God, with a humorous image of an awkward squad firing over his grave.
Chapter 540
VI: Reparation
The chapter describes a grand monument erected in honor of John Ericsson, highlighting the irony of posthumous praise and lavish spending after a lifetime of being undervalued and robbed.
Chapter 541
VII: Disincorporated
A short, satirical epitaph for Corporal Tanner, whose body parts are buried in different locations, mocking the sentimentality of patriotism and the absurdity of dismembered remains being honored separately.
Chapter 542
VIII: A Kit
A brief epitaph for Ingalls, lamenting the destructive power of his pen and tongue, which ultimately caused his own downfall.
Chapter 543
IX: Disjunctus
A brief epitaph for Guiteau, noting the disjunction between his buried flesh, his bones in a museum, and his mind possessed by Tillman.
Chapter 544
X: A Trencher-Knight
The chapter satirizes Chauncey M. Depew as a gluttonous orator who dines his way to fame, only to be killed by indigestion after his own belly throws him.
Chapter 545
XI: A Vice-President
A brief epitaph for Schuyler Colfax, a former Vice President, reflecting on his rise to public prominence in 1871, his fall from grace in 1872, and his eventual death.
Chapter 546
XII: A Wasted Life
The chapter presents a satirical epitaph for a man named Morgan who joined the Masons with the intent to betray their secrets, only to find there were none to reveal, leading to his suicide by his own hand. The poem dismisses rumors that the Masons killed him, suggesting they would not even bother with such a foul secret.
Chapter 547
XIII: Loring Pickering
A satirical epitaph for Loring Pickering, portraying him as a writer devoid of true inspiration, feeling, and sense, who valued mere words over ideas and died rather than be revived by divine influence.
Chapter 548
XIV: A Water-Pirate
This brief chapter memorializes Bill Carr, a 'water-pirate' who diverted water sources for his own gain. It describes his death and torment in the afterlife, where he now suffers from unquenchable thirst, begging for a single drop of water to cool his parched throat.
Chapter 549
XV: C. P. Berry
A satirical epitaph for C. P. Berry, likening him to a scarecrow—harmless in life and death, yet once feared. He is devoured by ravens and daws, leaving only a faint mark on earth.
Chapter 550
XVI: The Rev. Joseph Hemphill
The Rev. Joseph Hemphill, who preached that he could heal sickness through prayer and commanding, ironically fell ill himself. Despite calling for four reputable physicians, he secretly prayed, drawing God's attention and resulting in his death.
Chapter 551
XVII
A brief chapter advising against striving for singularity in dress, suggesting that fools seek it while men of sense avoid it, and that it is better to be slightly out of style in mind than in appearance.
Chapter 552
XVIII
A conqueror rises from the dead, claiming to have once ruled half the world. An angel shows him a tiny wisp of glowing vapor in space, indicating that this is the world he ruled, highlighting the insignificance of earthly power.
Chapter 553
XIX
A brief dialogue between Avarice and Unselfishness, where Avarice shivers in furs and Unselfishness reveals that Avarice is wearing its clothing.
Chapter 554
Chapter XX
A brief reflection on the distinction between comedy and wit, asserting that wit is serious and laughter at it indicates a lack of understanding.
Chapter 555
XXI
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that to be considered great by one's contemporaries, one should not surpass them by too much.
Chapter 556
XXII
A reflection on the desire for posthumous admiration, suggesting that the humorist seeks to create something he will neither desire nor know he possesses, indifferent to the nature of his work.
Chapter 557
XXIII
A brief aphorism comparing women and foxes, noting that their weakness is compensated by superior tact.
Chapter 558
XXIV
A brief aphoristic chapter drawing a parallel between fattening pigs through confinement and feeding, and fattening rogues by cultivating a generous disposition.
Chapter 559
XXV
A brief reflection on the inherent ferocity within every human heart and the provocation that unleashes one's inner beast.
Chapter 560
XXVI
The chapter presents a paradoxical statement about holding two irreconcilable propositions as true, suggesting a humorous or satirical take on human reasoning and self-congratulation.
Chapter 561
XXVII
A brief aphoristic chapter reflecting on the deceptive nature of truth, suggesting that truth is more misleading than falsehood because it often comes from unexpected sources, creating a presumption against it.
Chapter 562
XXVIII
A brief reflection comparing a bad marriage to an electrical machine that causes involuntary movement but offers no escape.
Chapter 563
XXIX
Merit encounters Success on a street-crossing and defers to him, stepping into the mud and bowing in apology, which Success accepts.
Chapter 564
Chapter XXX
The chapter opens with a philosophical reflection on existence and mortality, asserting that the awareness of death is a more certain proof of life than thought. The narrator contemplates the fear and imminence of death that accompanies every breath.
Chapter 565
XXXI
A brief aphoristic chapter asserting that the first man one meets is a fool, and that asking him will prove it.
Chapter 566
Chapter XXXII
A brief chapter presenting a philosophical aphorism about the nature of injustice: those who prefer to inflict rather than suffer it will always have their choice, as no injustice can be done to them.
Chapter 567
Chapter XXXIII
The chapter reflects on the diversity of human conceptions of perfect happiness in the afterlife, suggesting that each person's vision of paradise is shaped by their own experiences and failures in life.
Chapter 568
Chapter XXXIV
A brief philosophical reflection on the human desire to be other than what we are, suggesting that even immortality would not be craved if it were already possessed.
Chapter 569
XXXV
A brief, aphoristic chapter reflecting on the irony of a rabbit's foot as a symbol of good luck, given its origin from the rabbit itself.
Chapter 570
Chapter XXXVI
A brief aphoristic chapter that questions the wisdom of silence, suggesting that the ability to hold one's tongue is only praiseworthy if one also knows how to wield a pen effectively.
Chapter 571
XXXVII
A brief chapter that reflects on the idea that the most beautiful perspective comes from looking inward.
Chapter 572
XXXVIII
A brief reflection on the nature of love, comparing it to chess where moves are secret and the player sees most of the game, but the observer has the advantage of not being the stake.
Chapter 573
Chapter XXXIX
A brief reflection on the nature of commerce and trade, suggesting that unlike tigers which hide in the jungle, business is conducted openly.
Chapter 574
XL
A brief reflection on the nature of love, suggesting that it is not a matter of choice but of necessity, and that our judgment in such matters requires no confession.
Chapter 575
XLI
The chapter briefly contrasts two forms of temporary insanity: one leading to suicide, the other to marriage.
Chapter 576
XLII
A brief reflection on the nature of charity, questioning why alms given from compassion should require the recipient to be 'a deserving object,' and asserting that no adversity is as sharp as the lack of merit.
Chapter 577
XLIII
A single aphoristic statement defining bereavement as a term coined by selfishness to describe a specific form of loss or deprivation.
Chapter 578
XLIV
The chapter critiques the philanthropist who attempts to redeem ill-gotten wealth through charitable giving, arguing that such gifts only serve as evidence of hypocrisy and dishonesty, and that the safest course is to retain the tainted fortune intact.
Chapter 579
Uncollected Verse
A collection of uncollected verse, likely containing poetic works that explore themes of mortality, regret, and the human condition.
Chapter 580
Basilica
The narrator walks aimlessly along the ocean shore, observing the turbulent sea and light. He spots a radiant gem embedded in moss and becomes entranced by its beauty, imagining enshrining it in a grand shrine. However, when he tries to seize it, he discovers it is a hidden Cockatrice, a deadly creature that brings despair and horror.
Chapter 581
A Mystery
A poetic meditation on the inescapable nature of pain, sin, and the burden of the past, suggesting that life is defined by unseen struggles and that peace is found only through toil and suffering.
Chapter 582
Rosalie
A lyrical poem addressed to a young girl named Rosalie, celebrating her innocence, beauty, and joyful spirit while reflecting on the passage of time and the contrast between her youth and the speaker's aging.
Chapter 583
To Thee, My Darling
A poetic chapter that evokes sensory and emotional pleasures—fragrant flowers, ocean whispers, and sublime music—all dedicated to a beloved figure, blending nature, art, and memory.
Chapter 584
Serenade
A lover serenades his beloved from outside her window, pleading for her to rise, draw back the curtain, and let him in. He complains of the fog and cold, insists his intentions are pure, and begs not to be kept waiting in the dew.
Chapter 585
Science
The poem reflects on the limits of human knowledge, suggesting that science is ultimately a form of prayer—a humble request for nature's gifts rather than a means to truly understand the forces behind the wind, water, and growth.
Chapter 586
The Mummery
The narrator reflects on the absurdity and theatricality of life, likening it to a mummery or masquerade where people play roles and hide their true selves. The chapter explores themes of deception and self-deception, as characters engage in performances that obscure reality.
Chapter 587
The Two Cavees
In a dramatic verse play set in 1875, Deacon Fitch and his partner Pickering stand on the brink of a deep railway cut, hurling missiles—a dead cat and an antique egg—at the workers below, specifically targeting Stanford and Mike de Young. After a brief appearance by Old Nick, who retrieves his tar-stick, the two sit down to smoke and sing a bawdy song. A massive explosion, supposedly caused by argument rather than explosives, sends a section of the bank crashing down, flinging Mike de Young into the distance. Fitch and Pickering survive and decide to join the labor below.
Chapter 588
Metempsychosis
In a satirical play, St. John, a presidential candidate, seeks to swap souls with Mrs. Hayes to lead the Prohibition movement. After a comedic exchange of immortal parts, McDonald anoints St. John as king of the 'vinophobe ranks' while toasting to drink. The chapter mocks political temperance and the absurdity of reform.
Chapter 589
Slickens
A satirical play in verse about a mining operation that floods farms with slickens (mining waste), featuring a granger who lost his family and farm, and a committee that arrives to investigate but offers no real help.
Chapter 590
Peaceful Expulsion
A political satire in verse where Mountwave, a politician, manipulates a workingman named Hardhand by blaming Chinese immigrants for his troubles. Tok Bak, a Chinese immigrant, defends himself against racist accusations. Satan appears to support Mountwave's anti-Chinese agenda, revealing the self-serving nature of the political campaign.
Chapter 591
Aspirants Three
Three dead politicians—De Young, Estee, and Swift—meet in a graveyard to duel for a cabinet position but instead form a 'Portfolio Trust' to divide the spoils. After a supernatural visitation by the Spirit of Broken Hopes, they wake from a dream and each resolves to reform, though Estee remains trapped in his corrupt identity.
Chapter 592
The Birth of the Rail
A dramatic scene on the Dutch Flat Stage Road in 1864 where three road agents—Leland the Kid, Cowboy Charley, and Happy Hunty—discuss the decline of traditional robbery due to competition. They conceive a new scheme: building a railroad to legally rob the public. The devil Sootymug arrives, hinting at his own competing interests.
Chapter 593
A Bad Night
A dramatic scene set in a San Francisco cemetery, where Saralthia and a group of supernatural beings perform a ritual to compel Villiam to marry her, involving the exhumation of a corpse, magical garments, and the intervention of hoodoos, before Villiam appears and Saralthia meets her end.
Chapter 594
The Fiend's Delight
The narrator describes a vivid dream or vision of Hell, where he witnesses the torments of the damned and the delight of the fiendish torturers. The chapter explores themes of suffering, justice, and the nature of evil, with a satirical tone that critiques human vices and the concept of divine punishment.
Chapter 595
Poesy
The chapter explores the nature of poetry and artistic creation, contrasting true poetic inspiration with artificial or forced attempts at verse. It critiques those who claim the title of poet without genuine talent, and reflects on the relationship between art, truth, and beauty.
Chapter 596
Ye Idyll of Ye Hippopopotamus
A whimsical, surreal poem in which the Sun sets over the sea, a Hippopotamus sings a plaintive nonsense song, a Sponge rises from the wave to pose absurd riddles, and the Hippopotamus recalls a pastoral romance of absurd adventures before comforting himself with strawberry tart.
Chapter 597
Jerusalem, Old and New
A satirical poem contrasting the idealized New Jerusalem preached by a parson with the gritty, imperfect reality of a familiar village, where sin and vice persist despite moralizing.
Chapter 598
Communing with Nature
The narrator sits on a hill at evening, observing nature and the city, but is interrupted by a rainstorm that dampens his poetic mood.
Chapter 599
Conservatism and Progress
A poetic allegory in which Old Zephyr, representing conservatism, tries to hold the sea and ships in stasis, only to be challenged by the tempest of progress from the North, which breaks the calm and forces movement and change.
Chapter 600
Inter Arma Silent Leges
A satirical poem describing the violent suppression of freedmen's voting rights, with Grant portrayed as a silent, complicit figure overseeing the escalation from voting to beatings to shootings.
Chapter 601
Quintessence
The chapter satirizes the collaborative effort behind a newspaper's witty paragraphs, mocking the idea that five able-bodied editors are needed to produce what is essentially trivial content. Through a series of absurd analogies, it critiques the pretension and inefficiency of such collective authorship.
Chapter 602
Resurgam
The chapter describes Resurrection Day with dramatic imagery of nature pausing. Jove arrives, observes a marble monument erected by 'Universal Man' praising his own virtue, and decides to honor the man's self-proclaimed worth by granting him eternal rest rather than renewing his life.
Chapter 603
Musings, Philosophical and Theological
Mr. Grile sits alone in his den during a winter twilight, eating cheese and biscuits while engaging in deep philosophical and theological contemplation.
Chapter 604
I
The chapter opens with a satirical observation about the prevalence of hypocrisy in the United States, suggesting that if all hypocrites were incapacitated, the country would be vulnerable to invasion.
Chapter 605
II
The chapter presents a philosophical aphorism equating dogmatism's view of the spirit of inquiry with the spirit of evil, using the image of a tail appended to represent the note of interrogation.
Chapter 606
III
A single aphoristic line contrasts the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb, suggesting a critique of moral condemnation rooted in differing natures or circumstances.
Chapter 607
IV
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that when forgiving an injury, one should do so with ceremony, to avoid having one's magnanimity mistaken for indifference.
Chapter 608
V
A brief chapter that plays on the theme of mutual misunderstanding between men and women, suggesting that neither truly knows the other.
Chapter 609
VI
A brief reflection on how age makes one more provident, as the diminishing future increases fear of it.
Chapter 610
VII
A brief reflection on the infallibility and constancy of stupidity, contrasted with the fallibility of reason and virtue, and the variability of natural phenomena.
Chapter 611
VIII
Heaven provides a brief list of able women for use at meetings of the oppressed sex.
Chapter 612
IX
A brief chapter contrasting firmness and obstinacy, suggesting a subjective distinction between the two traits.
Chapter 613
Chapter X
A brief meditation on mortality and the fleeting nature of fame, reducing heroism and glory to dust, rust, and an unmarked stone.
Chapter 614
XI
A brief reflection on the inadequacy of language, noting that the same word is used to describe a woman's lack of temptation and a man's lack of opportunity.
Chapter 615
XII
A philosopher curses a scoundrel, wishing him to live forever as punishment for a wrong.
Chapter 616
XIII
A brief aphoristic chapter comparing the artificial elevation of a garnet to brass setting with the literary practice of writing dialect for publication.
Chapter 617
XIV
A brief dialogue between Generosity and Gratitude, where Generosity seeks Gratitude but is told he does not deserve to find her, and Gratitude reveals herself only to bid farewell forever.
Chapter 618
XV
A brief reflection on the nature of genius, suggesting that geniuses are often perceived as fools until they reveal their true abilities, at which point they may actually become fools.
Chapter 619
XVI
A brief reflection on the impermanence of Napoleon's political boundaries and kingdoms, contrasted with the enduring power of the narrator's words.
Chapter 620
XVII
A brief chapter advising against striving for singularity in dress, suggesting that fools seek it while men of sense avoid it, and that it is better to be slightly out of style in mind than in appearance.
Chapter 621
XVIII
A conqueror rises from the dead, claiming to have once ruled half the world. An angel shows him a tiny wisp of glowing vapor in space, indicating that this is the world he ruled, highlighting the insignificance of earthly power.
Chapter 622
XIX
A brief dialogue between Avarice and Unselfishness, where Avarice shivers in furs and Unselfishness reveals that Avarice is wearing its clothing.
Chapter 623
Chapter XX
A brief reflection on the distinction between comedy and wit, asserting that wit is serious and laughter at it indicates a lack of understanding.
Chapter 624
XXI
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that to be considered great by one's contemporaries, one should not surpass them by too much.
Chapter 625
XXII
A reflection on the desire for posthumous admiration, suggesting that the humorist seeks to create something he will neither desire nor know he possesses, indifferent to the nature of his work.
Chapter 626
XXIII
A brief aphorism comparing women and foxes, noting that their weakness is compensated by superior tact.
Chapter 627
XXIV
A brief aphoristic chapter drawing a parallel between fattening pigs through confinement and feeding, and fattening rogues by cultivating a generous disposition.
Chapter 628
XXV
A brief reflection on the inherent ferocity within every human heart and the provocation that unleashes one's inner beast.
Chapter 629
XXVI
The chapter presents a paradoxical statement about holding two irreconcilable propositions as true, suggesting a humorous or satirical take on human reasoning and self-congratulation.
Chapter 630
XXVII
A brief aphoristic chapter reflecting on the deceptive nature of truth, suggesting that truth is more misleading than falsehood because it often comes from unexpected sources, creating a presumption against it.
Chapter 631
XXVIII
A brief reflection comparing a bad marriage to an electrical machine that causes involuntary movement but offers no escape.
Chapter 632
XXIX
Merit encounters Success on a street-crossing and defers to him, stepping into the mud and bowing in apology, which Success accepts.
Chapter 633
Chapter XXX
The chapter opens with a philosophical reflection on existence and mortality, asserting that the awareness of death is a more certain proof of life than thought. The narrator contemplates the fear and imminence of death that accompanies every breath.
Chapter 634
XXXI
A brief aphoristic chapter asserting that the first man one meets is a fool, and that asking him will prove it.
Chapter 635
Chapter XXXII
A brief chapter presenting a philosophical aphorism about the nature of injustice: those who prefer to inflict rather than suffer it will always have their choice, as no injustice can be done to them.
Chapter 636
Chapter XXXIII
The chapter reflects on the diversity of human conceptions of perfect happiness in the afterlife, suggesting that each person's vision of paradise is shaped by their own experiences and failures in life.
Chapter 637
Chapter XXXIV
A brief philosophical reflection on the human desire to be other than what we are, suggesting that even immortality would not be craved if it were already possessed.
Chapter 638
Laughorisms
A collection of aphorisms and witty sayings that satirize human nature, society, and the absurdities of life, touching on themes of hypocrisy, mortality, and the deceptive nature of appearances.
Chapter 639
I
The chapter opens with a satirical observation about the prevalence of hypocrisy in the United States, suggesting that if all hypocrites were incapacitated, the country would be vulnerable to invasion.
Chapter 640
II
The chapter presents a philosophical aphorism equating dogmatism's view of the spirit of inquiry with the spirit of evil, using the image of a tail appended to represent the note of interrogation.
Chapter 641
III
A single aphoristic line contrasts the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb, suggesting a critique of moral condemnation rooted in differing natures or circumstances.
Chapter 642
IV
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that when forgiving an injury, one should do so with ceremony, to avoid having one's magnanimity mistaken for indifference.
Chapter 643
V
A brief chapter that plays on the theme of mutual misunderstanding between men and women, suggesting that neither truly knows the other.
Chapter 644
VI
A brief reflection on how age makes one more provident, as the diminishing future increases fear of it.
Chapter 645
VII
A brief reflection on the infallibility and constancy of stupidity, contrasted with the fallibility of reason and virtue, and the variability of natural phenomena.
Chapter 646
VIII
Heaven provides a brief list of able women for use at meetings of the oppressed sex.
Chapter 647
IX
A brief chapter contrasting firmness and obstinacy, suggesting a subjective distinction between the two traits.
Chapter 648
Chapter X
A brief meditation on mortality and the fleeting nature of fame, reducing heroism and glory to dust, rust, and an unmarked stone.
Chapter 649
XI
A brief reflection on the inadequacy of language, noting that the same word is used to describe a woman's lack of temptation and a man's lack of opportunity.
Chapter 650
XII
A philosopher curses a scoundrel, wishing him to live forever as punishment for a wrong.
Chapter 651
XIII
A brief aphoristic chapter comparing the artificial elevation of a garnet to brass setting with the literary practice of writing dialect for publication.
Chapter 652
XIV
A brief dialogue between Generosity and Gratitude, where Generosity seeks Gratitude but is told he does not deserve to find her, and Gratitude reveals herself only to bid farewell forever.
Chapter 653
XV
A brief reflection on the nature of genius, suggesting that geniuses are often perceived as fools until they reveal their true abilities, at which point they may actually become fools.
Chapter 654
XVI
A brief reflection on the impermanence of Napoleon's political boundaries and kingdoms, contrasted with the enduring power of the narrator's words.
Chapter 655
XVII
A brief chapter advising against striving for singularity in dress, suggesting that fools seek it while men of sense avoid it, and that it is better to be slightly out of style in mind than in appearance.
Chapter 656
XVIII
A conqueror rises from the dead, claiming to have once ruled half the world. An angel shows him a tiny wisp of glowing vapor in space, indicating that this is the world he ruled, highlighting the insignificance of earthly power.
Chapter 657
XIX
A brief dialogue between Avarice and Unselfishness, where Avarice shivers in furs and Unselfishness reveals that Avarice is wearing its clothing.
Chapter 658
Chapter XX
A brief reflection on the distinction between comedy and wit, asserting that wit is serious and laughter at it indicates a lack of understanding.
Chapter 659
XXI
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that to be considered great by one's contemporaries, one should not surpass them by too much.
Chapter 660
XXII
A reflection on the desire for posthumous admiration, suggesting that the humorist seeks to create something he will neither desire nor know he possesses, indifferent to the nature of his work.
Chapter 661
XXIII
A brief aphorism comparing women and foxes, noting that their weakness is compensated by superior tact.
Chapter 662
XXIV
A brief aphoristic chapter drawing a parallel between fattening pigs through confinement and feeding, and fattening rogues by cultivating a generous disposition.
Chapter 663
XXV
A brief reflection on the inherent ferocity within every human heart and the provocation that unleashes one's inner beast.
Chapter 664
XXVI
The chapter presents a paradoxical statement about holding two irreconcilable propositions as true, suggesting a humorous or satirical take on human reasoning and self-congratulation.
Chapter 665
XXVII
A brief aphoristic chapter reflecting on the deceptive nature of truth, suggesting that truth is more misleading than falsehood because it often comes from unexpected sources, creating a presumption against it.
Chapter 666
XXVIII
A brief reflection comparing a bad marriage to an electrical machine that causes involuntary movement but offers no escape.
Chapter 667
XXIX
Merit encounters Success on a street-crossing and defers to him, stepping into the mud and bowing in apology, which Success accepts.
Chapter 668
Chapter XXX
The chapter opens with a philosophical reflection on existence and mortality, asserting that the awareness of death is a more certain proof of life than thought. The narrator contemplates the fear and imminence of death that accompanies every breath.
Chapter 669
XXXI
A brief aphoristic chapter asserting that the first man one meets is a fool, and that asking him will prove it.
Chapter 670
Chapter XXXII
A brief chapter presenting a philosophical aphorism about the nature of injustice: those who prefer to inflict rather than suffer it will always have their choice, as no injustice can be done to them.
Chapter 671
Chapter XXXIII
The chapter reflects on the diversity of human conceptions of perfect happiness in the afterlife, suggesting that each person's vision of paradise is shaped by their own experiences and failures in life.
Chapter 672
Chapter XXXIV
A brief philosophical reflection on the human desire to be other than what we are, suggesting that even immortality would not be craved if it were already possessed.
Chapter 673
XXXV
A brief, aphoristic chapter reflecting on the irony of a rabbit's foot as a symbol of good luck, given its origin from the rabbit itself.
Chapter 674
Chapter XXXVI
A brief aphoristic chapter that questions the wisdom of silence, suggesting that the ability to hold one's tongue is only praiseworthy if one also knows how to wield a pen effectively.
Chapter 675
XXXVII
A brief chapter that reflects on the idea that the most beautiful perspective comes from looking inward.
Chapter 676
XXXVIII
A brief reflection on the nature of love, comparing it to chess where moves are secret and the player sees most of the game, but the observer has the advantage of not being the stake.
Chapter 677
Chapter XXXIX
A brief reflection on the nature of commerce and trade, suggesting that unlike tigers which hide in the jungle, business is conducted openly.
Chapter 678
XL
A brief reflection on the nature of love, suggesting that it is not a matter of choice but of necessity, and that our judgment in such matters requires no confession.
Chapter 679
XLI
The chapter briefly contrasts two forms of temporary insanity: one leading to suicide, the other to marriage.
Chapter 680
XLII
A brief reflection on the nature of charity, questioning why alms given from compassion should require the recipient to be 'a deserving object,' and asserting that no adversity is as sharp as the lack of merit.
Chapter 681
XLIII
A single aphoristic statement defining bereavement as a term coined by selfishness to describe a specific form of loss or deprivation.
Chapter 682
XLIV
The chapter critiques the philanthropist who attempts to redeem ill-gotten wealth through charitable giving, arguing that such gifts only serve as evidence of hypocrisy and dishonesty, and that the safest course is to retain the tainted fortune intact.
Chapter 683
Epigrams
A collection of epigrams that satirize various aspects of society, politics, and human nature, often with a cynical or humorous twist.
Chapter 684
I
The chapter opens with a satirical observation about the prevalence of hypocrisy in the United States, suggesting that if all hypocrites were incapacitated, the country would be vulnerable to invasion.
Chapter 685
II
The chapter presents a philosophical aphorism equating dogmatism's view of the spirit of inquiry with the spirit of evil, using the image of a tail appended to represent the note of interrogation.
Chapter 686
III
A single aphoristic line contrasts the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb, suggesting a critique of moral condemnation rooted in differing natures or circumstances.
Chapter 687
IV
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that when forgiving an injury, one should do so with ceremony, to avoid having one's magnanimity mistaken for indifference.
Chapter 688
V
A brief chapter that plays on the theme of mutual misunderstanding between men and women, suggesting that neither truly knows the other.
Chapter 689
VI
A brief reflection on how age makes one more provident, as the diminishing future increases fear of it.
Chapter 690
VII
A brief reflection on the infallibility and constancy of stupidity, contrasted with the fallibility of reason and virtue, and the variability of natural phenomena.
Chapter 691
VIII
Heaven provides a brief list of able women for use at meetings of the oppressed sex.
Chapter 692
IX
A brief chapter contrasting firmness and obstinacy, suggesting a subjective distinction between the two traits.
Chapter 693
Chapter X
A brief meditation on mortality and the fleeting nature of fame, reducing heroism and glory to dust, rust, and an unmarked stone.
Chapter 694
XI
A brief reflection on the inadequacy of language, noting that the same word is used to describe a woman's lack of temptation and a man's lack of opportunity.
Chapter 695
XII
A philosopher curses a scoundrel, wishing him to live forever as punishment for a wrong.
Chapter 696
XIII
A brief aphoristic chapter comparing the artificial elevation of a garnet to brass setting with the literary practice of writing dialect for publication.
Chapter 697
XIV
A brief dialogue between Generosity and Gratitude, where Generosity seeks Gratitude but is told he does not deserve to find her, and Gratitude reveals herself only to bid farewell forever.
Chapter 698
XV
A brief reflection on the nature of genius, suggesting that geniuses are often perceived as fools until they reveal their true abilities, at which point they may actually become fools.
Chapter 699
XVI
A brief reflection on the impermanence of Napoleon's political boundaries and kingdoms, contrasted with the enduring power of the narrator's words.
Chapter 700
XVII
A brief chapter advising against striving for singularity in dress, suggesting that fools seek it while men of sense avoid it, and that it is better to be slightly out of style in mind than in appearance.
Chapter 701
XVIII
A conqueror rises from the dead, claiming to have once ruled half the world. An angel shows him a tiny wisp of glowing vapor in space, indicating that this is the world he ruled, highlighting the insignificance of earthly power.
Chapter 702
XIX
A brief dialogue between Avarice and Unselfishness, where Avarice shivers in furs and Unselfishness reveals that Avarice is wearing its clothing.
Chapter 703
Chapter XX
A brief reflection on the distinction between comedy and wit, asserting that wit is serious and laughter at it indicates a lack of understanding.
Chapter 704
XXI
A brief aphoristic chapter advising that to be considered great by one's contemporaries, one should not surpass them by too much.
Chapter 705
XXII
A reflection on the desire for posthumous admiration, suggesting that the humorist seeks to create something he will neither desire nor know he possesses, indifferent to the nature of his work.
Chapter 706
XXIII
A brief aphorism comparing women and foxes, noting that their weakness is compensated by superior tact.
Chapter 707
XXIV
A brief aphoristic chapter drawing a parallel between fattening pigs through confinement and feeding, and fattening rogues by cultivating a generous disposition.
Chapter 708
XXV
A brief reflection on the inherent ferocity within every human heart and the provocation that unleashes one's inner beast.
Chapter 709
XXVI
The chapter presents a paradoxical statement about holding two irreconcilable propositions as true, suggesting a humorous or satirical take on human reasoning and self-congratulation.
Chapter 710
XXVII
A brief aphoristic chapter reflecting on the deceptive nature of truth, suggesting that truth is more misleading than falsehood because it often comes from unexpected sources, creating a presumption against it.
Chapter 711
XXVIII
A brief reflection comparing a bad marriage to an electrical machine that causes involuntary movement but offers no escape.
Chapter 712
XXIX
Merit encounters Success on a street-crossing and defers to him, stepping into the mud and bowing in apology, which Success accepts.
Chapter 713
Chapter XXX
The chapter opens with a philosophical reflection on existence and mortality, asserting that the awareness of death is a more certain proof of life than thought. The narrator contemplates the fear and imminence of death that accompanies every breath.
Chapter 714
XXXI
A brief aphoristic chapter asserting that the first man one meets is a fool, and that asking him will prove it.
Chapter 715
Chapter XXXII
A brief chapter presenting a philosophical aphorism about the nature of injustice: those who prefer to inflict rather than suffer it will always have their choice, as no injustice can be done to them.
Chapter 716
Chapter XXXIII
The chapter reflects on the diversity of human conceptions of perfect happiness in the afterlife, suggesting that each person's vision of paradise is shaped by their own experiences and failures in life.
Chapter 717
Chapter XXXIV
A brief philosophical reflection on the human desire to be other than what we are, suggesting that even immortality would not be craved if it were already possessed.
Chapter 718
XXXV
A brief, aphoristic chapter reflecting on the irony of a rabbit's foot as a symbol of good luck, given its origin from the rabbit itself.
Chapter 719
Chapter XXXVI
A brief aphoristic chapter that questions the wisdom of silence, suggesting that the ability to hold one's tongue is only praiseworthy if one also knows how to wield a pen effectively.
Chapter 720
XXXVII
A brief chapter that reflects on the idea that the most beautiful perspective comes from looking inward.
Chapter 721
XXXVIII
A brief reflection on the nature of love, comparing it to chess where moves are secret and the player sees most of the game, but the observer has the advantage of not being the stake.
Chapter 722
Chapter XXXIX
A brief reflection on the nature of commerce and trade, suggesting that unlike tigers which hide in the jungle, business is conducted openly.
Chapter 723
XL
A brief reflection on the nature of love, suggesting that it is not a matter of choice but of necessity, and that our judgment in such matters requires no confession.
Chapter 724
XLI
The chapter briefly contrasts two forms of temporary insanity: one leading to suicide, the other to marriage.
Chapter 725
XLII
A brief reflection on the nature of charity, questioning why alms given from compassion should require the recipient to be 'a deserving object,' and asserting that no adversity is as sharp as the lack of merit.
Chapter 726
XLIII
A single aphoristic statement defining bereavement as a term coined by selfishness to describe a specific form of loss or deprivation.
Chapter 727
XLIV
The chapter critiques the philanthropist who attempts to redeem ill-gotten wealth through charitable giving, arguing that such gifts only serve as evidence of hypocrisy and dishonesty, and that the safest course is to retain the tainted fortune intact.
Chapter 728
XLV
A brief chapter reflecting on the nature of contentment, suggesting that the highest form is found in approving another's success.
Chapter 729
XLVI
A brief two-line verse advising that if inclination challenges you, you should stand and fight, but from opportunity the wise take flight.
Chapter 730
XLVII
A brief aphoristic chapter contrasting what men and women most admire in each other: women admire distinction in men, while men admire devotion in women.
Chapter 731
XLVIII
A brief aphoristic chapter suggesting that those who call out most loudly to God when facing death are the ones who should most want to avoid His notice.
Chapter 732
XLIX
A brief reflection on the reciprocity of criticism in friendship, suggesting that cataloging a friend's faults should be accompanied by sharing one's own faults with them.
Chapter 733
L
The narrator reflects on the romanticized view of antiquity, noting that future generations will idealize the present era just as we idealize the past, while in reality, people engage in trivial exchanges.
Chapter 734
LI
A brief, aphoristic chapter observing the austere virtue of a penniless man who resists the temptation to manipulate markets or acquire monopolies.
Chapter 735
LII
A brief chapter suggesting that studying the good and bad in women requires only one woman, not two.
Chapter 736
LIII
A brief philosophical dialogue between a philosopher and an officer, both asserting the absence of free will to justify the act of hanging.
Chapter 737
LIV
A brief reflection on hope as an explorer of the future, contrasting knowledge of the hereafter with ignorance of the heretofore.
Chapter 738
Chapter LV
The narrator reflects on the historical irony of women's roles, noting that while a woman (Eve) brought about the fall of the world, geese (traditionally associated with women's cackling) saved Rome, offering a form of reparation.
Chapter 739
LVI
The chapter presents a brief observation on the social freedoms of women, noting that rich women can rely on assent and poor women on inattention.
Chapter 740
LVII
A brief aphorism warning that when curiosity enters the heart alongside love, it will displace love itself.
Chapter 741
LVIII
A brief reflection on the differing perceptions of happiness between youth and age, where youth sees it as the future and age sees it as a dream.
Chapter 742
LIX
Reason encounters Intuition, who has leaped across a bog, and offers admiration.
Chapter 743
LX
The chapter reflects on the distinction between uprooting an evil and rooting it up, emphasizing the difference lies in the reformer's approach.
Chapter 744
LXI
The chapter presents a satirical aphorism from the Audible Sisterhood, asserting the equality of the sexes by suggesting that no man is so base that some woman is not base enough to love him.
Chapter 745
LXII
A brief philosophical reflection on perspective and self-awareness, noting that without hindsight, we see ourselves on the brink of foresight, and only those who have turned around recognize themselves as the center of the universe.
Chapter 746
LXIII
A single aphorism asserting that truth is so valuable that even falsehood must incorporate it to be effective.
Chapter 747
LXIV
A brief reflection on gender roles and perception, suggesting that if women were the writers instead of the talkers, men would be considered superior in beauty, grace, and goodness.
Chapter 748
LXV
A brief reflection on love as a transient but pleasant journey, ending with a farewell kiss.
Chapter 749
LXVI
A single line challenges the notion that life's value lies in repeating every experience, suggesting that not all experiences are worth duplicating.
Chapter 750
LXVII
A brief philosophical reflection on the rules of discontent, stating that one may not wish to take another's advantages but only to wish to be another person entirely.
Chapter 751
LXVIII
A brief aphoristic statement asserting that beauty is subjective and determined by the heart, using the example of the male rattlesnake finding the female rattlesnake the loveliest thing in nature.
Chapter 752
LXIX
A brief reflection on the separation between thought and emotion, suggesting that when the heart enters the head, it results not in conflict but in displacement.
Chapter 753
LXX
A brief, aphoristic chapter suggesting that the only way to encounter a perfect book is to write it oneself.
Chapter 754
LXXI
A brief dialogue between Ignorance and Knowledge, where Knowledge offers to accompany Ignorance to fortify a maiden's mind against peril, but Ignorance accuses Knowledge of being the peril itself.
Chapter 755
LXXII
A single aphoristic statement defining a prude as someone who blushes at their own thoughts and flees from their desires.
Chapter 756
LXXIII
A brief aphoristic observation about the duplicity of those who offer false comfort or guidance, suggesting that the same person who leads you by the hand would, in a time of need, lead you past sustenance rather than to it.
Chapter 757
LXXIV
A brief chapter illustrating the diplomatic prelude to war, where a sovereign first hints at conflict and then formally declares readiness.
Chapter 758
LXXV
A brief reflection on the nature of public opinion, suggesting that if it were determined by chance, it would be correct half the time.
Chapter 759
LXXVI
A single aphoristic statement contrasts the moral hypocrisy of business and gambling, suggesting that business, itself a form of gambling, condemns gambling as immoral.
Chapter 760
LXXVII
A brief reflection on the loyalty of a virtuous widow, who remains faithful even when her fidelity brings no pleasure or profit to its object.
Chapter 761
LXXVIII
A brief reflection on the evolution of language, noting that the word 'foolish' once meant 'fond,' and suggesting that the failure to reverse these meanings is a matter of courtesy.
Chapter 762
LXXIX
A brief reflection on the nature of mobs and majorities, suggesting that those who believe in the wisdom of majorities cannot condemn a successful riot.
Chapter 763
LXXX
A brief, macabre poem describes a human pericardium displayed in a dissecting room, labeled with the word 'Charity' to instruct students on what it once enclosed.
Chapter 764
LXXXI
A brief aphorism contrasting virtue and reputation, suggesting that while virtue is not required for a good reputation, a good reputation can support virtue.
Chapter 765
LXXXII
A brief aphoristic chapter offering two pieces of practical wisdom: when lost in a forest, go downhill; when lost in a philosophy or doctrine, go upward.
Chapter 766
LXXXIII
The chapter reflects on the nature of submission to majority rule, acknowledging that compliance is born of necessity rather than genuine respect.
Chapter 767
LXXXIV
The narrator reflects on Pascal's statement about Cleopatra's nose, arguing that the forces of nature and dynasties could not have altered its length, suggesting a deterministic view of history.
Chapter 768
LXXXV
A brief reflection on the nature of luxuries and necessities, suggesting that luxuries often disguise themselves as necessities, while woman uniquely asserts herself as a luxury.
Chapter 769
LXXXVI
A brief dialogue between the heart and judgment, where the heart claims to be the seat of affections, and judgment thanks it for saving face.
Chapter 770
LXXXVII
A brief philosophical dialogue where a weeping figure identifies as 'Man' but is rebuked as 'Egotism' by the personified 'Scheme of the Universe,' who asserts that nothing matters, leading to a paradoxical question about the significance of weeping.
Chapter 771
LXXXVIII
The chapter reflects on the nature of slights versus injuries, arguing that a slight is harder to forgive because it implies contempt and indifference, while an injury at least acknowledges the victim's importance. An anecdote about a traveler released without ransom by Sicilian brigands illustrates this point.
Chapter 772
LXXXIX
A brief chapter noting that the applause and praise of the people do not reach or matter in hell.
Chapter 773
XC
A brief reflection on the virtue of generosity toward a defeated enemy, suggesting it is a safe and risk-free form of magnanimity.
Chapter 774
XCI
A brief reflection on the possibility of a prior world and the state of dying impenitent.
Chapter 775
XCII
A brief reflection on the nature of humor and identity, suggesting that people are defined by what they find amusing, with the stupid being a poor joke and the clever being a good one.
Chapter 776
XCIII
A single aphoristic statement reflecting on the nature of rogues and resentment.
Chapter 777
XCIV
A brief reflection on the elements of character, noting that force and charm are important but insufficient on their own.
Chapter 778
XCV
A brief chapter that reflects on the nature of grief and discomfiture, suggesting that they are like coals that will naturally cool if left alone, and chiding the reader for keeping them alive with sighs.
Chapter 779
XCVI
A brief aphorism distinguishing popular authors from geniuses: popular authors write what people already think, while geniuses challenge them to think differently.
Chapter 780
XCVII
The chapter presents a philosophical reflection on the sky as a concave mirror, where humanity perceives a distorted image of itself and attempts to appease it.
Chapter 781
XCVIII
A brief, ironic commentary on the commandment to honor one's parents, suggesting that such virtue will not be rewarded by life insurance companies.
Chapter 782
XCIX
A brief, satirical reflection on Darwin's theory of evolution, suggesting that those horrified by the idea of humans descending from apes may find comfort in the possibility of returning to that state.
Chapter 783
C
A brief aphorism contrasting the impressionability of strong versus weak minds, suggesting that a philosopher is more easily convinced of being a fool than a fool is of being a philosopher.
Chapter 784
CI
The chapter discusses the difference between cheap cynicism and true mastery of criticism, emphasizing the importance of discrimination in judgment.
Chapter 785
Chapter CII
When publicly censured, our first instinct is to make everybody a codefendant.
Chapter 786
CIII
A brief verse advising a fine lady not to fear marrying a clown, as love cannot elevate but can bring down.
Chapter 787
CIV
A brief reflection on human nature, suggesting that men are naturally polygamous but practice monogamy due to circumstance, and that true faithfulness is demonstrated by a willingness to be observed by multiple wives.
Chapter 788
CV
The virtues select Modesty as their queen, who expresses surprise at being considered a virtue and questions why Innocence was not chosen instead, to which they respond that Innocence is ignorant of her own virtue.
Chapter 789
CVI
A brief aphorism reflecting on the self-awareness of a 'man's man' regarding his disdain for a 'ladies' man.'
Chapter 790
CVII
A brief aphorism suggesting that if women's vices worshiped their creators, men would boast of the adoration they inspire.
Chapter 791
CVIII
A brief reflection on the nature of democracies, suggesting that the only distinction they reward is a high degree of conformity.
Chapter 792
CIX
A brief chapter defining slang as the language of those who scavenge from discarded literary refuse.
Chapter 793
Chapter CX
A woman who spent her life asserting the superiority of her sex dies, expecting rest and honors, but Saint Peter assigns her to wash the faces of cherubim.
Chapter 794
CXI
A brief observation on women's relationship to general truths, noting that women find general truths valueless unless they can apply them to specific situations, and ironically remarking on the common claim that women are not practical.
Chapter 795
CXII
A brief aphoristic chapter contrasting the self-awareness of the ignorant and the learned, suggesting that ignorance is blind to its own depth while knowledge reveals its own limitations.
Chapter 796
Chapter CXIII
A brief aphorism suggesting that boasting about romantic success with women is likely to alienate male listeners.
Chapter 797
CXIV
The chapter reflects on the bittersweet nature of memory and the contrast between nighttime fears and daytime confidence.
Chapter 798
CXV
A brief, aphoristic chapter advising caution and awareness of one's own mortality when among the graves of others.
Chapter 799
CXVI
The critic's theories are limited by their own perspective, just as a physiognomist uses their own face as the standard of judgment.
Chapter 800
CXVII
A brief reflection on the innocence of infancy and how society continues the narrative as one matures.
Chapter 801
CXVIII
A brief dialogue where a woman claims her laws are part of herself and read by examining her heart, and a man responds that like Moses' laws, hers are also engraved upon stone.
Chapter 802
CXIX
The chapter reflects on love as a form of distracted attention, shifting from self-contemplation to the consideration of one's dream.
Chapter 803
CXX
The narrator encounters Death in a sentry-like exchange, where Death invites him to desert life and overcome the fear of death, suggesting a transcendence beyond mortal concerns.
Chapter 804
CXXI
The chapter contrasts the palmist's interpretation of hand wrinkles as indicators of character with the philosopher's view that character is revealed by what the hand most loves to grasp.
Chapter 805
CXXII
A brief, poetic reflection on the misery of a long life devoid of any true childhood or hope, leaving the individual in darkness from beginning to end.
Chapter 806
CXXIII
The chapter presents a paradoxical aphorism about the dual nature of attitudes toward women, suggesting that noble praise and spirited defamation can coexist.
Chapter 807
CXXIV
A brief aphorism criticizing those who justify their pursuit of wealth by claiming a love of work, arguing that such a love for money-making is a baser inclination than the love of money itself.
Chapter 808
CXXV
A single aphoristic statement comparing the defense of mediocrity to excusing theft by claiming robbery.
Chapter 809
CXXVI
The chapter discusses the most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy, which manifests as pretended remorse for impossible gallantries.
Chapter 810
CXXVII
A brief reflection on the rarity of statements that are both new and true, suggesting that such insights come only from the gods and require proper accreditation.
Chapter 811
CXXVIII
A brief chapter asserting that truth is determined by reason rather than faith, and that even claims of faith must be submitted to the court of reason.
Chapter 812
CXXIX
An angel questions a traveler about their destination, origin, and identity, receiving only 'I know not' in response. The angel identifies the traveler as Man and commands them to continue forward to the place from which they came.
Chapter 813
CXXX
A brief aphorism suggesting that Expediency and Righteousness are closely related, either as father and son or as harmonious brothers.
Chapter 814
CXXXI
A single aphorism asserting that intellectual training naturally cultivates moral character, and defining a rascal as one who lacks the ability to think.
Chapter 815
CXXXII
A brief moral instruction on the Golden Rule, advising to treat others as you wish to be treated, but cautioning against expecting services from others that they cannot rightly perform.
Chapter 816
CXXXIII
A brief chapter suggesting that taunting an obstinate husband is permissible, comparing it to biting a balky horse's ears to make it move.
Chapter 817
CXXXIV
A brief reflection on Adam's view of Eve, suggesting he saw her as his chosen partner and expected gratitude for his preference.
Chapter 818
CXXXV
A brief philosophical reflection on human nature, suggesting that a person is the product of their ancestry and cannot be fundamentally reformed, only temporarily swayed.
Chapter 819
CXXXVI
A brief aphorism on the nature of belief and conviction, contrasting the rigid faith of fools with the evolving views of the wise.
Chapter 820
CXXXVII
The chapter briefly enumerates the prerogatives of genius: the ability to know without learning, to draw correct conclusions from unknown premises, and to perceive the essence of things.
Chapter 821
CXXXVIII
A brief reflection on the nature of love, suggesting that each new love feels like the first and that claiming to have loved twice implies never having truly loved.
Chapter 822
CXXXIX
A brief chapter that critiques the naive belief that the invention of increasingly destructive weapons will lead to universal peace, comparing such thinkers to those who would predict an end to farming due to improved agricultural tools.
Chapter 823
CXL
The chapter reflects on the unique and inconsolable sorrow that death brings to parents, contrasting the loss of the young with the survival of the old, and framing grief as the friction of nature's machinery.
Chapter 824
CXLI
A single, aphoristic line reflecting on the negative view that empty wine-bottles hold of women, suggesting themes of intoxication, judgment, and perhaps disillusionment.
Chapter 825
CXLII
A brief philosophical reflection on civilization as a product of human ignorance and conceit, suggesting that knowledge of one's insignificance would undermine the drive for progress.
Chapter 826
CXLIII
A brief reflection on the journey of life, warning that lingering in pleasure resorts does not extend the allotted days, as the day of arrival is already predetermined.
Chapter 827
CXLIV
The chapter discusses the nature of egotism, arguing that the most offensive egotist is one who avoids saying 'I' and 'me.' It contrasts dogmatic statements with modest ones, using Montaigne as an example of a delightful essayist whose humility allows him to forget himself without artifice.
Chapter 828
CXLV
The chapter critiques the Theocrats for building grand ideological structures that promise happiness but instead become prisons for the mind, trapping only themselves.
Chapter 829
CXLVI
A brief satirical commentary on the necessity of laughing at a rich man's wit and accepting his word in order to prosper, equating dissent with anarchy and framing prosperity as the foundation of the state.
Chapter 830
CXLVII
The chapter suggests that death is not the final event, as legal disputes over the deceased's estate continue beyond the grave.
Chapter 831
CXLVIII
A brief aphoristic chapter suggesting that divine creation of beauty is immediately countered by diabolical record-keeping, implying a cosmic balance or corruption.
Chapter 832
CXLIX
Eve sees her own reflection in a pool and mistakenly accuses Adam of infidelity, highlighting themes of deception and self-deception.
Chapter 833
CL
A brief exchange where one weeps for the death of his wife, and is reminded that while he will never see her again, she will also never see him again, yet she does not weep.
Chapter 834
CLI
The chapter draws a parallel between theology and religion, jurisprudence and justice, and etiquette and civility, suggesting that formal systems of rules are to their underlying principles as etiquette is to civility.
Chapter 835
CLII
A brief dialogue between a passerby and Contentment, who claims to have no shirt yet enjoys himself despite the cold, contrasting with the passerby's fine attire and discomfort.
Chapter 836
CLIII
A brief reflection on ignorance, distinguishing between inevitable ignorance, which is excusable and potentially beneficial, and the affectation of ignorance, which reveals genuine foolishness.
Chapter 837
CLIV
A brief moral reflection on the nature of conscience and cheating, suggesting that even those who allow others to be cheated will not tolerate being cheated themselves.
Chapter 838
CLV
A brief philosophical exchange between two personified figures, Wisdom and Knowledge, who meet at an intersection of paths and ponder whether they will ever travel the same road together, reflecting on the nature of their names and understanding.
Chapter 839
CLVI
A brief assertion that persecution is logical and religious tolerance is a form of infidelity.
Chapter 840
CLVII
The chapter reflects on the variability of convictions, suggesting that rigid consistency can lead to dishonesty.
Chapter 841
CLVIII
A brief reflection on the philosopher's deepest conviction, which he hesitates to express for fear of misleading others.
Chapter 842
CLIX
A brief warning about the dangers of exchanging identities, noting that one must be cautious because the person chosen may be willing.
Chapter 843
CLX
A single aphorism on the nature of intolerance and self-deception.
Chapter 844
CLXI
In the Parliament of Otumwee, the Chancellor of the Exchequer proposes a tax on fools, and a member retorts that such a tax already exists in the form of the poll tax.
Chapter 845
CLXII
A brief dialogue in which a dead body is identified as Credulity, killed not by suicide but by surfeit from consuming everything set before him at Science's table.
Chapter 846
CLXIII
A brief warning against associating with the devil if one wishes to prosper.
Chapter 847
CLXIV
The narrator addresses a creditor, pleading not to be despised for his delinquency, insisting that his default is not a sign of poverty.
Chapter 848
CLXV
A single aphoristic line defines courage as accepting the gambler's chance—a brave person bets against the gods' game.
Chapter 849
CLXVI
A brief exchange between a philanthropist and a pauper, where the philanthropist dismisses the pauper for having nothing to offer.
Chapter 850
CLXVII
A brief aphoristic chapter contrasting the forward-looking perspective of youth with the backward-looking perspective of age.
Chapter 851
CLXVIII
A brief poetic reflection advising the reader that the world has no need for their service through word or deed, and that one should instead serve their better self without concern for how divine forces cultivate righteousness and beauty.
Chapter 852
CLXIX
The chapter discusses how material aids, such as an organ and a painted window, can be used to transform an artistic emotion into what appears to be a religious ecstasy, emphasizing the value of material aids in spiritual matters.
Chapter 853
CLXX
A brief reflection on the cost of social mobility: the poor trade their self-respect for access to the rich, gaining only a distant seat in the gallery.
Chapter 854
CLXXI
A brief reflection on self-knowledge, noting that while one can recognize physical ugliness, there is no mirror for the understanding.
Chapter 855
CLXXII
The narrator reflects on the hypocrisy of the righteous, suggesting that if they truly believed death to be as they claim, they would not so eagerly seek divine prohibitions against suicide.
Chapter 856
CLXXIII
The chapter argues that compassion should not be extended to criminals, as injustice only harms the just. It suggests withholding pity for those who have strayed until all who have struggled to remain righteous are served.
Chapter 857
CLXXIV
A brief observation on the artless woman, identifiable by her gown trimmed with feathers of the white blackbird, suggesting a paradox or impossibility.
Chapter 858
CLXXV
A single aphoristic statement declaring that all people are lunatics, but the one who can analyze their own delusion earns the title of philosopher.
Chapter 859
CLXXVI
A brief, aphoristic chapter that condemns slang as a polluted source from which the ignorant draw, only to present themselves as original thinkers.
Chapter 860
CLXXVII
A brief meditation on the present moment as a constantly shifting boundary between past and future.
Chapter 861
CLXXVIII
A brief, aphoristic chapter suggesting that non-automatic virtue demands more attention than it is worth, implying a critique of forced or unnatural moral effort.
Chapter 862
CLXXIX
A brief reflection on the paradox of human existence: at sunset, our shadows extend to the stars, yet death does not make us greater than we were at life's noon.
Chapter 863
CLXXX
A single aphoristic reflection on the nature of experience, suggesting that it merely replaces youthful errors with those of old age.
Chapter 864
CLXXXI
A brief reflection on the passage of time, noting the vastness of childhood, the swiftness of youth, and the sudden, unbelievable arrival of age.
Chapter 865
CLXXXII
A brief admonition to avoid contentious individuals, advising that when a greeting is met with a contrary response, one should simply move on.
Chapter 866
CLXXXIII
The narrator reflects on the universality of bad thoughts, noting that if all thoughts were audible, none would be considered discreditable, and that while we know bad thoughts are universal, catching them in the act is a different matter.
Chapter 867
CLXXXIV
Satan tells the narrator that all the souls in this place have been happy until the narrator arrived, and that he causes trouble wherever he goes. Satan then ejects Hope.
Chapter 868
CLXXXV
A brief reflection on the nature of retorts, suggesting that the most severe ones go unanswered simply because no one is there to respond.
Chapter 869
CLXXXVI
A brief, poetic reflection on the relationship between angels and humans, suggesting that human lives are the dreams of angels, and death occurs when an angel awakens.
Chapter 870
CLXXXVII
A cynical epigram about honor, debt, and mortality: a man of 'honor' pays his lawful debts by cutting corners, and when he dies, people note that he eventually settled his accounts, albeit long overdue.
Chapter 871
CLXXXVIII
A brief admonition against allowing a woman to ask forgiveness, as it leads to self-justification through accusation.
Chapter 872
CLXXXIX
A brief philosophical reflection on how the absence of knowledge about the past would reveal humanity's true relationship with the universe.
Chapter 873
CXC
A brief reflection on the difference between youth and age: youth navigates life by clear celestial markers, while age must rely on uncertain estimation, unaware of its destination.
Chapter 874
CXCI
A brief aphorism suggesting that happiness is lost when one criticizes it, and sorrow is lost when one accepts it.
Chapter 875
CXCII
A brief reflection on nature's use of contrast, allowing moments of near happiness to alleviate human wretchedness.
Chapter 876
CXCIII
A brief aphorism contrasting the attitudes of a fool and a philosopher toward prosperity and adversity.
Chapter 877
CXCIV
A brief reflection on the creation of woman after man was found faulty, with a humorous nod to the two opinions on why creation stopped, one of which is woman's.
Chapter 878
CXCV
A mutual hatred arises between two individuals: she resents him for revealing the truth about her lark being a crow, and he resents her for freeing his inner beast.
Chapter 879
CXCVI
A brief dialogue between personified Friendship and Love, where Love proposes they travel together, but Friendship warns that Love's journey ends at the grave, while Friendship continues to the grave of Advantage.
Chapter 880
CXCVII
A brief reflection on the distant vision of the City of Contentment, suggesting that looking far enough ahead reveals a place of peace and satisfaction.
Chapter 881
CXCVIII
A brief meditation on how an old man, perceived as bald and bent in life, reveals his true dignity in the presence of Death by uncovering and bowing.
Chapter 882
CXCIX
A brief reflection on the paradoxical nature of love, suggesting that love can be associated with coldness or winter, challenging conventional imagery.
Chapter 883
CC
A brief assertion that the impossibility of explaining how the Great Pyramid was built does not disprove its existence or significance.
Chapter 884
CCI
Men praise Justice loudly, but an angel warns that waking her would lead to their execution.
Chapter 885
CCII
Age reflects on past struggles, seeing the bogs he has floundered through with the wisdom of hindsight.
Chapter 886
CCIII
The chapter reflects on the necessity of contrast—folly to know wisdom, shadow to perceive depth—and critiques the idealistic desire to abolish evil.
Chapter 887
CCIV
A single aphoristic statement about the forfeiture of truth-telling rights when one's falsehoods are no longer believed.
Chapter 888
CCV
A brief reflection on wisdom as a form of knowledge that surpasses all that is known.
Chapter 889
CCVI
A brief aphoristic chapter asserting that to live is to believe, and that the most credulous person is the one who believes they are incredulous.
Chapter 890
CCVII
A single aphoristic statement suggesting that for one who has never wronged another, revenge is a virtue.
Chapter 891
CCVIII
A brief aphorism suggesting that the impossibility of serving both God and Mammon is a poor excuse for not serving God at all.
Chapter 892
CCIX
A brief aphorism about the wisdom of silence and the perceptiveness of the wise, who can hear the unspoken command in a fool's noise.
Chapter 893
CCX
A brief reflection on the difficulty of reaching the Valley of Peace, suggesting that if love were the only path, few would inhabit it.
Chapter 894
CCXI
A single aphoristic observation on the nature of success and failure, suggesting that those who fail view success as an accident tinged with criminality.
Chapter 895
CCXII
A brief aphorism about the optimist who, blinded by his own perspective, mistakes stumbling for progress.
Chapter 896
CCXIII
A brief reflection on the proximity to Hell, measured by the abundance of roses along the way.
Chapter 897
CCXIV
A brief reflection on the spherical nature of the world and the landowner's smugness regarding the sea.
Chapter 898
CCXV
A brief chapter advising immediate action in response to wrongdoing, using the metaphor of a lion's attack versus a dog's persistent tracking.
Chapter 899
CCXVI
God creates a new virtue called Justice but withholds it from humanity, giving only its name. Humanity then redefines Justice as Revenge, a virtue of their own making.
Chapter 900
CCXVII
A brief poetic chapter that uses the metaphor of a sea-bird dashing itself against a beacon-light to warn against mistaking the means for the end, particularly in the pursuit of ambition and enlightenment.
Chapter 901
CCXVIII
A brief admonition against dwelling on the past at the expense of the future, warning that excessive reflection can mislead rather than guide.
Chapter 902
CCXIX
The chapter presents a brief poetic exchange between the narrator and Death, where Death veils its face to spare the narrator from its embrace.
Chapter 903
CCXX
A brief aphoristic chapter contrasting true greatness, which accepts truth in reverent silence, with false greatness, which clings to a noisy faith.
Chapter 904
CCXXI
A brief meditation on the transient nature of life, portraying it as a small patch of light where we briefly connect with others before returning to darkness, emphasizing the poignant and picturesque mystery of existence.
Chapter 905
CCXXII
A brief reflection on cheerfulness as the religion of the lowly, contrasting the smiling low hills with the austere and desolate peaks that hold a prophecy of doom.
Chapter 906
CCXXIII
A brief reflection on women's preferences for men who are different from others, and their lack of concern for the nature of that difference.
Chapter 907
CCXXIV
A brief, aphoristic chapter advising that when one's shadow falls westward, one should pause until it falls eastward, at which point one has reached one's destination.
Chapter 908
CCXXV
A brief poetic reflection on the nature of happiness, suggesting it exists only in anticipation and memory, not in the present moment.
Chapter 909
CCXXVI
A brief reflection on the relationship between intellect and emotion, suggesting that reason tests the heart's truthfulness, yet a philosopher's lady is nearly as fine as a clown's wench.
Chapter 910
CCXXVII
A brief dialogue between Ingratitude and Benevolence, where Ingratitude expresses sorrow over the devastations caused by Benevolence, and Benevolence reveals itself as Ingratitude's parent.
Chapter 911
CCXXVIII
A single aphoristic reflection on death, suggesting it is the one form of prosperity that people neither wish for themselves nor begrudge in others.
Chapter 912
CCXXIX
A brief philosophical reflection on the nature of knowledge, defining it as the small portion of ignorance that humanity can organize and categorize.
Chapter 913
CCXXX
A voluptuary's soul seeks entry to a place, believing all beautiful women are there. Satan grants entry, remarking that the women make the place what it is.
Chapter 914
CCXXXI
A single aphoristic line reflecting on the paradox of romantic desire and the entanglement of emotional intimacy with possessive control.
Chapter 915
CCXXXII
A brief admonition against attempting to atone for wealth through apology, insisting instead on restitution to the accuser.
Chapter 916
CCXXXIII
A brief, aphoristic chapter advising the reader to arrange their temporal affairs before undergoing surgery, with the ironic caveat that they may survive.
Chapter 917
CCXXXIV
The chapter presents a concise aphorism asserting that intolerance is a natural and logical response to dissenting opinions, as such opinions inherently claim superior wisdom.
Chapter 918
CCXXXV
Saint Peter at the Gate confronts two figures: one claiming to be Memory, the other Satan. Peter rebukes both, dismissing Memory to Hell and ordering Satan away. Satan then seizes Memory, declaring that Memory brings happiness only in its absence.
Chapter 919
CCXXXVI
A brief observation that women of genius often possess masculine physical traits and mannerisms, suggesting that when God transplants brains to an alien soil, a bit of the original earth remains clinging to the roots.
Chapter 920
CCXXXVII
A single line reflecting on the relationship between detection and remorse, suggesting that remorse drives one forward while detection struggles to keep up.
Chapter 921
CCXXXVIII
The chapter reflects on the dual perception of Paradise: in youth it is mistaken for life itself, and in age it is recognized as the lost youth.
Chapter 922
CCXXXIX
A brief reflection on the Ten Commandments, suggesting that the absence of explicit prohibitions does not prevent one from committing sins not listed.
Chapter 923
CCXL
The chapter reflects on the fear of darkness as more than mere superstition, suggesting that night is when the king truly thinks.
Chapter 924
CCXLI
A brief dialogue between Mercy and Revenge, where Revenge identifies itself as the father of Justice and states its intention to attend Mercy's son, who is hiding in the jungle.
Chapter 925
CCXLII
A single aphoristic statement redefines self-denial as a form of indulgence in the propensity to forego, suggesting that the act of renunciation itself can be a gratifying exercise of will.
Chapter 926
CCXLIII
A brief aphorism contrasting human and animal perspectives on choice and ownership.
Chapter 927
CCXLIV
The narrator reflects on the idea that while killing a woman who has wronged you is forbidden, one can take solace in the natural passage of time, which avenges you countless times each day as she grows older.
Chapter 928
CCXLV
A brief aphoristic comparison between a sweetheart and a wife, likening a sweetheart to a bottle of wine and a wife to a wine-bottle.
Chapter 929
CCXLVI
A brief aphorism suggesting that a man gets along best with women who know how to get along without them.
Chapter 930
CCXLVII
An awakened soul asks 'Who am I?' and is told by a smiling angel that this knowledge is denied in Heaven.
Chapter 931
CCXLVIII
A single aphoristic statement contrasting the nature of courage in women and men: woman's courage stems from ignorance of danger, while man's courage is rooted in the hope of escape.
Chapter 932
CCXLIX
After God completes the creation of the world and all things named and unnamed, the remaining Nothing asks to be made into something grand to amuse the angels. God obliges by creating the human brain.
Chapter 933
CCL
A brief, urgent exhortation to act swiftly against one's enemy, as Nature itself is already poised to destroy both the enemy and the speaker.
Chapter 934
CCLI
A brief warning about the burden of obligation and the caution one should exercise in imposing it on others.
Chapter 935
CCLII
A brief poetic plea to the oceans to carry the narrator to a remote island where he can escape the deceit and emotional turmoil symbolized by women, while also asking not to bring a particular woman who shows no emotion.
Chapter 936
CCLIII
Life and Death gamble for a child, with Life winning but Death pointing out that the prize is already dead of age.
Chapter 937
CCLIV
The chapter reflects on the blindness of those who cannot perceive the beauty and glory around them, walking unaware through dreamlike avenues and missing the gleaming domes of Paradise. It contrasts a sordid reality with the vision of a Golden Age, where one can see Grecian gods on every hill.
Chapter 938
CCLV
A single aphoristic sentence reflecting on the progression of human expectation from childhood through old age.
Chapter 939
CCLVI
A brief poetic contrast between a humble violet and a boastful hollyhock, revealing hidden pride in the violet and hidden love in the hollyhock.
Chapter 940
CCLVII
A brief reflection on women's self-knowledge and their relationship with men's understanding of them.
Chapter 941
Endnotes
This chapter consists of endnotes referencing a famous height overlooking Edinburgh, a biblical passage from Exodus, and two children's game phrases.
