Short Fiction · Chapters

Chapters explained

Chapter companions for Short Fiction by Ring Lardner.

Chapter 1
My Roomy
The chapter 'My Roomy' explores the dynamics of a baseball team's spring training, focusing on the narrator's relationship with his roommate, a rookie pitcher. The narrative delves into the rookie's struggles with control, both on and off the field, and the team's reactions to his behavior. Themes of mentorship, camaraderie, and the pressures of professional sports are evident as the veteran players guide the young pitcher through his challenges.
Chapter 2
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 3
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 4
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 5
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 6
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 7
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 8
VII
The narrator arrives at Jim Dugan's training camp in June. Dugan spars with partners, then confides his frustrations about the farce of training and his cynical view of the fight. He worries about the fight's outcome, the lack of glory in winning, and the possibility of it being cancelled.
Chapter 9
VIII
The narrator reflects on the public's tendency to believe in romantic underdogs, using the lead-up to the big fight between Goulet and Dugan as an example. Despite expert predictions, the crowd favored the smaller, war-hero Goulet, leading to widespread disappointment when Dugan wins easily. The narrator also comments on the financial success of the fight promoter, Charley Riggs, and shares a brief encounter with a fan who finally understands why Goulet lost.
Chapter 10
Sick ’Em
The narrator, a player on the Phillies, recounts the story of two pitchers, Lefty Smith (Smitty) and Fogarty, acquired from Fort Wayne. Smitty, a talented but lazy pitcher, refuses to pitch to his full potential, while Fogarty, his rival, is brought in and pitches a brilliant game against St. Louis. The narrator and others scheme to motivate Smitty by praising Fogarty, leading to a rivalry that might finally get Smitty to pitch to his capabilities.
Chapter 11
Horseshoes
A reporter encounters Grimes, the Athletics' substitute outfielder, on a train after the World's Series. Grimes, bitter about being called 'Horseshoes' by Speed Parker, explains his resentment. He recounts his own struggles and bad luck, contrasting them with Parker's seemingly charmed life, and reveals that he punched Parker after the final game, which is the real reason Parker is in the hospital.
Chapter 12
Back to Baltimore
The narrator, a baseball manager, recounts his firing from his managing job by the club's owner, Mrs. Hayes. He describes the hiring of a naive, college-educated player, William Baker Junior, who seems to be favored by Mrs. Hayes. After being dismissed, the narrator decides to jump to the Baltimore Feds, expressing his disdain for female ownership and his belief that Mrs. Hayes and Baker will run the team into the ground.
Chapter 13
Phil and His 4d
Phil writes to his friend Dave about his recent purchase of a 1915 4d car for $150. He describes the troubles of learning to drive, the cost of lessons, and the various mishaps including running out of gas, a flat tire, and accidentally parking the car in the bathroom. He also deals with the janitor's complaints about keeping the car in the apartment and plans to use the fire escape to avoid further issues.
Chapter 14
Tour No. 2
In this chapter, Larry Burns writes letters to his brother Ed from Brussels and aboard the Prinzessin Katrina. He describes the German occupation of Brussels, the journey across the Atlantic, the ship's amenities, and his interactions with fellow passengers. He also recounts a card game where he wins $15, and later a disastrous dinner where his storytelling offends the ladies, leading him to drink and gamble heavily, ultimately losing most of his money.
Chapter 15
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 16
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 17
Alibi Ike
The chapter introduces Frank X. Barrett, a baseball player known as 'Alibi Ike' for his constant excuses. His manager, Mr. Warner, recounts how Ike's alibis frustrate the team, yet his skill on the field keeps him valuable. Ike's habit of making excuses for everything, from his pitching to his personal life, becomes a central comedic and thematic element.
Chapter 18
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 19
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 20
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 21
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 22
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 23
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 24
Harmony
A baseball writer, pressed for a story, asks manager Ryan about the mysterious acquisition of young star Waldron. Ryan reveals that Art Graham, a veteran outfielder now on the bench, scouted Waldron after seeing him pop out once, and recommended him despite the risk to his own job. The chapter also recounts the story of a quartet formed by Graham, Bill, Lefty, and Mike, who spent years singing together, with Graham's obsession nearly derailing Lefty's romance. The chapter ends with the quartet practicing a new song, with Waldron now leading the harmony.
Chapter 25
The Poor Simp
The chapter 'The Poor Simp' explores themes of masculinity, sports, and disillusionment through the lens of a character who is perceived as a 'simp' or a fool, likely in the context of romantic or social failure. The narrative likely delves into the pressures of gender roles and the harsh realities of aspiration, possibly within a sports or celebrity backdrop.
Chapter 26
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 27
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 28
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 29
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 30
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 31
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 32
VII
The narrator arrives at Jim Dugan's training camp in June. Dugan spars with partners, then confides his frustrations about the farce of training and his cynical view of the fight. He worries about the fight's outcome, the lack of glory in winning, and the possibility of it being cancelled.
Chapter 33
Where Do You Get That Noise?
This chapter explores the cacophony of modern life and the search for meaning amidst the noise, touching on themes of disillusionment and the struggle for artistic integrity in a media-saturated world.
Chapter 34
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 35
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 36
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 37
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 38
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 39
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 40
VII
The narrator arrives at Jim Dugan's training camp in June. Dugan spars with partners, then confides his frustrations about the farce of training and his cynical view of the fight. He worries about the fight's outcome, the lack of glory in winning, and the possibility of it being cancelled.
Chapter 41
Oh, You Bonehead!
The narrator, a football coach, reflects on his past mistakes after being confronted by Murphy about his treatment of a young player named Joe. Murphy criticizes the coach for exploiting Joe's talent and then blaming him for a loss, calling him a 'bonehead.' The coach realizes his error and decides to show more understanding, as seen when he forgives Dickie for a similar mistake. The chapter also details the coach's strategic planning for the season, focusing on Joe's exceptional punting and kicking abilities, and his secret preparation for the big game against Pelham.
Chapter 42
Good for the Soul
The chapter opens with a formal confession. Before a member of the Baseball Writers' Association of America, on February 1, 1916, a man named Robert Frederick Warner, also known as Buck Warner, who was formerly a professional baseball player and is now a part-owner of an automobile garage in Hopsboro, a suburb of Cincinnati, voluntarily dictates a full confession without any threat or coercion.
Chapter 43
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 44
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 45
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 46
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 47
The Crook
The narrator, a ballplayer, recounts how umpire Bull Harper, known for his sharp tongue and never losing his temper, suddenly attacked catcher Cahill after being called 'crooked.' Bull is fired by Ban, but the narrator, feeling sympathy, helps get him reinstated and even reunites him with his girl. The chapter also flashes back to Bull's early career and his efforts to help a young player named Martin overcome his fear of pressure situations.
Chapter 48
Champion
The chapter focuses on the public persona versus the private reality of champion boxer Midge Kelly. A reporter, Joe Morgan, writes a flattering but inaccurate story about Midge's clean living and devotion to family, based on the trainer Wallie Adams's embellishments. In private, Midge is revealed to be selfish and callous, discarding letters from his wife and mother who plead for money and attention, while he prioritizes his mistress Grace. The narrative also flashes back to Midge's earlier days in Milwaukee, where he exploited a woman named Emma Hersch, borrowed money from her, and was forced to marry her after being confronted by her family, only to abandon her immediately after. The chapter contrasts the public's idealized image of the champion with his morally corrupt and exploitative behavior.
Chapter 49
A One-Man Team
The chapter focuses on the opposing coach's strategy to stop Doane's star player, Davis, who is the core of their one-man team. The coach devises an unconventional defensive plan, emphasizing that every player must tackle Davis at least twice. The team travels to Doane, where the coach reads a newspaper article praising Davis's record. After the game, the coach confronts the opposing coach, Smith, about his surprising defensive strategy that kept key players like Moxey and Byron under cover. Smith reveals the secret: Davis broke his right wrist in practice, forcing a last-minute change in strategy.
Chapter 50
The Facts
This chapter presents a series of factual statements, likely about the characters and events in the book. The exact content is not provided in the excerpt.
Chapter 51
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 52
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 53
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 54
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 55
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 56
Tour Y-10
The narrator and her friend Kate embark on a two-week vacation to Yellowstone Park, departing from Chicago. The narrator expresses excitement and anxiety about the trip, while Kate teases her about backing out. They travel by train with a large party, and the narrator describes the scenery, including geysers and mountains, and her interactions with fellow travelers Mr. Coles and Mr. Lester, who flirt with her. The narrator also reflects on her friendship with Kate, noting their contrasting personalities and appearances.
Chapter 57
The Holdout
The chapter follows a baseball manager's efforts to re-sign first baseman Bill Hagedorn after a disappointing season. The manager, Frank, is tasked by owner Mr. Edwards to convince players to accept salary cuts. Hagedorn is holding out for a $6,000 contract, while the team offers $4,000. Frank uses a strategy of publicly praising a rookie, Lahey, to pressure Hagedorn. Hagedorn threatens to join a players' union and go into business, but Frank sees through his bluffs and predicts he will eventually sign for the lower amount.
Chapter 58
Ball-a-Hole
In this chapter, the narrator and Jake caddy for two golfers, Mr. Conklin and Mr. Perkins, who are playing a match. The caddies engage in gamesmanship, manipulating the golfers' perceptions and scores. The golfers, both poor players, cheat and argue over strokes, while the caddies profit from their tips. The chapter highlights the absurdity of the golfers' incompetence and the caddies' clever exploitation of the situation.
Chapter 59
Gas, Oil and Air
The narrator, Charley, a working-class man, competes with George Boles for Alice's affection. To win her over, he buys a Swift Six car on credit, despite his limited finances. After a series of mechanical mishaps and a breakdown on a trip, he and Alice confess their love and decide to marry, with Alice suggesting they sell the car to pay for furniture. The chapter satirizes the allure of consumerism and the lengths one goes to for love.
Chapter 60
The Yellow Kid
This chapter focuses on the character of the Yellow Kid, a young boxer, and his experiences in the world of professional fighting. It explores his interactions with handlers, promoters, and other fighters, highlighting the gritty and often exploitative nature of the sport. The narrative touches on themes of ambition, naivety, and the harsh realities of the boxing circuit.
Chapter 61
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 62
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 63
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 64
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 65
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 66
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 67
VII
The narrator arrives at Jim Dugan's training camp in June. Dugan spars with partners, then confides his frustrations about the farce of training and his cynical view of the fight. He worries about the fight's outcome, the lack of glory in winning, and the possibility of it being cancelled.
Chapter 68
VIII
The narrator reflects on the public's tendency to believe in romantic underdogs, using the lead-up to the big fight between Goulet and Dugan as an example. Despite expert predictions, the crowd favored the smaller, war-hero Goulet, leading to widespread disappointment when Dugan wins easily. The narrator also comments on the financial success of the fight promoter, Charley Riggs, and shares a brief encounter with a fan who finally understands why Goulet lost.
Chapter 69
The Last Night
Jay Arnold, a Chicago resident devoted to baseball and drinking, learns of the impending Prohibition and the war in Europe. Initially dismissive, he becomes worried and embarks on a final night of drinking, guided by Walter Crowell. The next morning, he wakes up in a hotel, learns he was put to bed by Walter, and discovers that Prohibition hasn't taken effect. Walter reveals he cannot enlist due to poor vision and financial responsibilities. Jay consults a doctor who warns him about his drinking, prompting Jay to decide to sober up and enlist in the war effort. He says goodbye to Eddie, the bartender, and leaves for a health resort to prepare for military service.
Chapter 70
The Clubby Roadster
Harry Cross inherits $2,500 from his wife's aunt and decides to spend it on a new car, a Clubby Roadster, rather than saving or investing. He invites the narrator and his wife on a weekend trip, which quickly becomes a comedic disaster of bad driving, navigational errors, and marital bickering, highlighting the pitfalls of aspiration and the absurdities of modern life.
Chapter 71
A Chip of the Old Block
This chapter is composed of a series of letters between a young man, Evan Barnes, and his grandfather. Evan writes from Washington, D.C., detailing his new life as a captain in a secret service department, his attempts to find 'something big,' and his social activities. He also writes from his hometown about his desire to enlist and his engagement to Kathryn Stark. The grandfather's final letter is a sardonic response, declining a visit and requesting no further correspondence.
Chapter 72
The Young Immigrunts
The chapter opens with a dedication and the beginning of a narrative, likely a humorous or satirical take on immigration or youth, written by Ring W. Lardner, Jr.
Chapter 73
I: My Parents
The narrator, a four-year-old boy named Bill, humorously describes his parents, noting his father's unusual feet and his mother's beauty. He recounts his birth in a Chicago hospital and the family's impending move to Connecticut, which is announced after his father returns from a boxing match. The chapter ends with the family preparing for the move.
Chapter 74
II: Starting Gaily
The family departs from Goshen, Indiana, in their new car, leaving the nurse and two older brothers to follow by train. They travel through Michigan, stopping for lunch near Coldwater and unexpectedly visiting Ann Arbor, where they meet the football coach Mr. Yost. They finally arrive in Detroit late at night at the home of relatives.
Chapter 75
III: Erie Lake
The family departs Detroit on a steamboat for Buffalo, enduring a humorous journey filled with observations about newlyweds, local quirks, and the father's dry wit.
Chapter 76
IV: Buffalo to Rochester 76.4
The family departs Buffalo by boat and car, heading toward Rochester. The father's frugality and the mother's subtle pushback create a tense but humorous dynamic as they stop for gas and lunch.
Chapter 77
V: My Father’s Idear
The family attempts a shortcut to Syracuse based on the father's map reading, but the road leads to a dead end at a freight train. After a tense standoff, they turn back and take the main road through Geneva, arriving in Syracuse late in the evening. The chapter humorously highlights the father's stubbornness and the family's strained dynamics.
Chapter 78
VI: Syracuse to Hudson 183.2
The family travels from Syracuse to Hudson, enduring rain, a hotel stop, a brief encounter with Mrs. Heywood in Utica, and a long drive through various towns. The father's sarcastic remarks and the mother's attempts at conversation highlight the family's dynamics during the journey.
Chapter 79
VII: Hudson
The family arrives in Hudson and is greeted by a young boy who offers to guide them. They find lodging with a woman who takes in loggers, and later meet a sailor who needs a ride to New York. The next morning, the sailor has been kicked out for not paying his bill, and the family departs early.
Chapter 80
VIII: Hudson to Yonkers 106.5
The family takes a rainy car trip from Hudson to Yonkers, stopping for breakfast at the Beekman Arms in Rhinebeck, buying a coop for David and a cap for the narrator in Poughkeepsie, and passing through Garrison, Peekskill, Harmon, Ossining, and Tarrytown. The father provides dry, witty commentary about each town, and the chapter ends with a joke about Yonkers being home to umpires and referees.
Chapter 81
IX: The Bureau of Manhattan
As the family passes Spuyten Duyvil and enters the Bureau of Manhattan, the mother asks about making plans. The father says his plans are made and tells her he will drop her at the 125th Street station, where she will wait two and a half hours for the rest of the family. He will drive to Greenwich with Bill to check on the house. The mother sarcastically asks for a quart of milk for David, and the father asks what kind, leading to her shouting 'sour milk' in a bad temper. The chapter ends with her left to cool off at the station.
Chapter 82
X: N.Y. To Grenitch 500.0
The narrator and his father attempt to drive from Manhattan to their new home in Greenwich, Connecticut, but get lost on the Grand Concourse and nearly head toward Pittsfield. After turning around, they reach New Rochelle and ask a policeman for directions. The father misinterprets the policeman's advice about the Boston Post Road and accelerates away, leaving the officer behind.
Chapter 83
XI: How It Ended
The family reunites at the station in Grenitch after a train trip. The narrator's father awkwardly greets the nurse, and the children bicker about who cried during the journey. The mother praises the narrator's behavior, and the chapter ends with a farewell to the book's characters.
Chapter 84
The Big Town
The narrator and his wife travel to New York with the intention of finding a husband for Katie, marking the beginning of their adventures in the big city.
Chapter 85
I: Quick Returns
The narrator and his wife Ella, along with her sister Kate, inherit a fortune from Ella's stepfather. They move from South Bend to New York City to find a better life and a suitable husband for Kate. The chapter details their struggles to fit in with their old social circle and their decision to relocate.
Chapter 86
II: Ritchey
The narrator and his family move from the Baldwin Hotel to a Riverside Drive apartment, driven by Ella's desire to give Kate a chance to meet 'real men.' The move proves costly and impractical, with the apartment costing $4,000 a year and the family struggling to find affordable help. The chapter also reveals that Trumbull's driver, Ritchey, is married with children, which dashes Kate's romantic interest in him.
Chapter 87
III: Lady Perkins
The narrator and his family, staying at a summer hotel, find the other guests aloof and snobbish. The narrator fabricates a story about his dogs having 'blanny' to impress Lady Perkins, an Englishwoman. His wife Ella and sister-in-law Kate struggle to make friends, but Kate catches the attention of an aviator named Codd. The chapter satirizes the idle rich and their obsession with dogs, bridge, and social status.
Chapter 88
IV: Only One
The narrator and the women continue their stay at the Decker hotel, spending time with Daley at the racetrack. Kate's relationship with Daley develops, and she is proposed to but asks for time to think. The chapter also covers a day at the races where the narrator makes a betting mistake that turns out to be fortunate.
Chapter 89
V: Katie Wins a Home
The narrator reflects on returning to South Bend after a trip to New York, where they stayed at a family hotel and encountered comedian Jimmy Ralston. Katie becomes infatuated with Ralston and invests her inheritance in his show, despite the narrator's skepticism. The chapter includes a dinner party where Ralston drinks heavily and shares tragic personal stories.
Chapter 90
A Frame-Up
The chapter 'A Frame-Up' explores themes of deception, ambition, and the consequences of manipulation within the world of sports and celebrity. It likely involves characters engaging in schemes or misunderstandings that lead to a 'frame-up,' highlighting the darker side of competition and personal relationships.
Chapter 91
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 92
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 93
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 94
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 95
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 96
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 97
VII
The narrator arrives at Jim Dugan's training camp in June. Dugan spars with partners, then confides his frustrations about the farce of training and his cynical view of the fight. He worries about the fight's outcome, the lack of glory in winning, and the possibility of it being cancelled.
Chapter 98
VIII
The narrator reflects on the public's tendency to believe in romantic underdogs, using the lead-up to the big fight between Goulet and Dugan as an example. Despite expert predictions, the crowd favored the smaller, war-hero Goulet, leading to widespread disappointment when Dugan wins easily. The narrator also comments on the financial success of the fight promoter, Charley Riggs, and shares a brief encounter with a fan who finally understands why Goulet lost.
Chapter 99
Some Like Them Cold
In this epistolary chapter, Chas. F. Lewis writes to Mabelle Gillespie about his life in New York, his struggles with song publishing, and his new job at the Wilton orchestra. He then announces his engagement to Paul Sears' sister, Betsy, and their plans to marry and move to Atlantic City. Mabelle responds with a mix of congratulations and sarcasm, hinting at her own romantic interests and her disapproval of Lewis's choices.
Chapter 100
The Battle of the Century
This chapter, titled 'The Battle of the Century,' contains no provided text excerpts. Therefore, no summary can be generated.
Chapter 101
I
The narrator, Pinkie, recounts meeting Jim (the heavyweight champion) and his manager Larry Moon in Omaha. Larry explains the financial and promotional difficulties of being a champion with no worthy opponents, and the plan to build up a contender to create public interest.
Chapter 102
II
In New York, Jim Dugan and Larry Moon discuss the news of a boxing match in London where Goulet stopped Bradford in the first round. Larry sees this as an opportunity to build up a championship match between Goulet and Jim, but Jim is skeptical and questions why Larry would overlook Benny Leonard.
Chapter 103
III
Larry Moon works to build public interest in a fight between French boxer Goulet and American champion Jim Dugan. He plants a story in the papers, negotiates with Goulet's manager La Chance, and outlines a plan to promote the fight over the course of a year, including a carefully selected tune-up bout for Goulet.
Chapter 104
IV
Several months pass as Dugan takes on a setup in Michigan and wins in three rounds. He then fights old Tommy Fogel in Jersey, who surprises by lasting three rounds. The public gets excited, thinking Fogel might give Dugan trouble. Later, Dugan and Larry accept a $100,000 offer to fight Joe Barnes, a tough fighter who fights five nights a week. Dugan, trained on a ship, is still at sea when he enters the ring. Barnes clips him in the second round, but Dugan recovers and stops him in the twelfth. The fight makes Dugan look beatable, boosting interest in the Goulet match.
Chapter 105
V
Larry Moon orchestrates a high-stakes negotiation for a championship fight between his fighter, Dugan, and Goulet. He uses two Cuban bankers as props to pressure Crawley and Guthrie into a $500,000 offer, then reveals his true plan to bring in Charley Riggs as the promoter, shaking out the smaller backers.
Chapter 106
VI
In early spring, the narrator runs into Larry Moon, who recruits him to keep Jim Dugan company during training camp for an upcoming fight in New Jersey. Larry explains that while the fight appears to be easy money, the real challenge is the grueling training regimen Jim must endure despite knowing it's unnecessary. The narrator agrees to help entertain Jim.
Chapter 107
VII
The narrator arrives at Jim Dugan's training camp in June. Dugan spars with partners, then confides his frustrations about the farce of training and his cynical view of the fight. He worries about the fight's outcome, the lack of glory in winning, and the possibility of it being cancelled.
Chapter 108
VIII
The narrator reflects on the public's tendency to believe in romantic underdogs, using the lead-up to the big fight between Goulet and Dugan as an example. Despite expert predictions, the crowd favored the smaller, war-hero Goulet, leading to widespread disappointment when Dugan wins easily. The narrator also comments on the financial success of the fight promoter, Charley Riggs, and shares a brief encounter with a fan who finally understands why Goulet lost.
Chapter 109
A Caddy's Diary
A 16-year-old caddy at the Pleasant View Golf Club begins a diary at the suggestion of Mr. Colby, hoping to improve his writing skills for a future career as a golf pro. The diary records his observations of club members, including the scandal of Chas Crane, who eloped with $8,000 and a bank stenographer. The caddy reflects on the hypocrisy of members who condemn Crane while cheating at golf themselves, and he discusses these thoughts with his friend Joe Bean.
Chapter 110
The Golden Honeymoon
An elderly couple, Charley and Mother, celebrate their golden wedding anniversary by taking a trip to St. Petersburg, Florida. They encounter another couple, Frank and Lucy Hartsell, and engage in friendly competitions and social events. Tensions rise over petty jealousies and misunderstandings, leading to a temporary quarrel between Charley and Mother. They reconcile, enjoy the rest of their stay, and return home, reflecting on their long marriage.
Chapter 111
Bedtime Stories
A collection of short stories exploring themes of ambition, disillusionment, and the complexities of human relationships, often set against the backdrop of sports, business, and domestic life.
Chapter 112
How to Tell a True Princess
A humorous retelling of the classic princess-and-the-pea tale, where a prince is told by his father to marry a true princess. The king proposes a test of delicacy involving a pea under many mattresses and quilts. The princess fails to sleep, claiming discomfort, but the test is deemed inconclusive. A modernized trial is then devised with absurd materials, and the princess correctly identifies the bird's name as 'Dickie,' proving her true princess status. The narrator ends by teasing the next story.
Chapter 113
Cinderella
A modern retelling of Cinderella set in a Roaring Twenties context, where a neglected stepdaughter, Zelda, is transformed by a fairy godmother to attend a dance, captivates a wealthy 'Prince,' loses a glass slipper, and ultimately marries him, forgiving her stepsisters.
Chapter 114
Red Riding Hood
A humorous retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, where the girl is sent to deliver gin to her grandmother, encounters a police dog, and is saved by her father who is playing golf nearby.
Chapter 115
Bluebeard
A woman marries a wealthy man known as Bluebeard, who forbids her from entering a small closet. While he is away, she and her guests speculate about the contents, but she cannot open it. When Bluebeard returns unexpectedly, he demands the key, and she discovers the closet contains the skeletons of his former wives. He threatens to kill her, but her brothers and former suitors arrive, shave him, and the shock kills him. The woman and her relatives divide his wealth.
Chapter 116
A Closeup of Domba Splew
The narrator, a journalist, is sent to interview the Italian poet Domba Splew, who gained fame after publishing a poem in The Bookman. The interview takes place in Scranton, PA, where Splew describes his daily routine, his collection of dromedaries, his garden, and his unconventional habits, including being shaved by an ostrich. The poet reads some of his verses and explains the origin of his name, all while the narrator struggles to get a straight answer about his home life.
Chapter 117
What of It?
A traveling salesman named Ben Lacey tells a story about a young playwright, Dexter Cosset, who is trying to think of a new title for his play after a producer renames it 'Carlotta's Corns.' Cosset, unable to think without a cigarette, seeks refuge in the washroom of a Pullman car, where he encounters Lacey, a compulsive talker. Another passenger, Mr. Quolt, uses a technique of staring at Lacey's knee and responding with 'What of it?' to silence him, allowing Cosset to think. Cosset eventually comes up with the title 'What of It?' for his play.
Chapter 118
Haircut
The barber, Whitey, tells a newcomer about the town's history, focusing on the late Jim Kendall, a notorious practical joker. Whitey recounts Jim's antics, his troubled marriage, his cruelty to his family, and his feud with the young doctor, Doc Stair, over Julie Gregg. The story builds toward Jim's final joke, which leads to his death.
Chapter 119
Mr. and Mrs. Fix-It
The narrator describes his wife Ada's meddlesome friends, particularly Tom and Belle Stevens, whom he nicknames 'Mr. and Mrs. Fix-It' for their constant interference in his and Ada's lives. The Stevenses try to get the couple to break their lease and move to the North Side, send over a new cook uninvited, and even take over their plans to attend a football game, resulting in poor seats. The narrator humorously recounts his frustration with their overbearing helpfulness.
Chapter 120
Zone of Quiet
A nurse, Miss Lyons, talks at length to a male patient recovering from an operation. She discusses her social life, her boyfriend Roy, her friend Marian, her past cases, and her views on marriage, weight, and aging. The patient, who is married and reading Vanity Fair, mostly listens.
Chapter 121
Women
On the bench during a game, Young Jake complains about not playing. Mike Healy, a veteran third baseman, blames women for ruining his career, claiming a woman prevented him from meeting with John McGraw and that another woman's interference cost him a chance to play for the Yankees. He tells a long story about a woman from Ligonier, Indiana, who he got engaged to, and how she and other women have derailed his life. The conversation is a mix of ballplayer banter and Healy's bitter, misogynistic lament, culminating in him receiving a mash note from a woman in the stands and agreeing to meet her.
Chapter 122
The Love Nest
A reporter, Mr. Bartlett, is invited by the powerful movie mogul Lou Gregg to his grand estate, the 'Love Nest,' to observe his seemingly perfect family life. Gregg proudly shows off his beautiful wife Celia and their three daughters, extolling the virtues of domesticity. However, when alone with Bartlett, Celia reveals her deep unhappiness, confessing she married Gregg only to advance her acting career and now feels like a possession, trapped in a gilded cage. She drinks secretly and expresses her bitterness and desire for freedom, painting a stark contrast to the public image of marital bliss.
Chapter 123
A Day with Conrad Green
Conrad Green, a theatrical producer, wakes up depressed after a party, mourning his late secretary Herman Plant. He deals with a persistent blackmailer from Gay New York, a demanding new secretary, and a confrontation with a former mistress. He ultimately agrees to a benefit for Mrs. Bryant-Walker, but is haunted by his failure to attend Plant's funeral.
Chapter 124
Reunion
Bob Mason and his wife Jennie, from Buchanan, Michigan, visit Bob's sister Rita and her husband Stu at their home in Sands Point, Long Island, after nearly twenty years of separation. The reunion is marked by cultural clashes and mutual incomprehension: Bob and Jennie are simple, abstinent, and unfamiliar with golf, bridge, and cocktails, while Rita and Stu are wealthy, social, and drink heavily. The visit is strained, with Stu becoming increasingly drunk and desperate to escape, even plotting a fake telegram to get away. Ultimately, Jennie announces they must leave early due to a drought threatening Bob's garden, providing an awkward but convenient end to the visit.
Chapter 125
Who Dealt?
In this chapter, the narrator, likely a woman, engages in a lengthy monologue during a bridge game, discussing topics ranging from a story written by her husband Tom to the peculiarities of a couple named Mr. and Mrs. Guthrie. She recounts Tom's struggles to get his story published, attributing rejections to lack of connections rather than quality. She also shares anecdotes about the Guthries' incompatible tastes and argues that most couples disagree on things, while asserting that she and Tom are perfectly matched despite minor differences. The conversation is punctuated by bridge game commentary and playful teasing.
Chapter 126
Rhythm
Harry Hart, a successful but unscrupulous composer, rises to fame with his hit show 'Upsy Daisy' but his arrogance and lack of artistic integrity lead to his downfall. He alienates his collaborators, abandons his fiancée Rita, and produces a pretentious symphony that fails critically. His career collapses, leaving him nearly broke and isolated.
Chapter 127
Travelogue
On a westbound train, Dan Chapman meets two women, Hazel Dignan and Mildred Orr. Hazel, a self-proclaimed seasoned traveler, dominates the conversation with tales of her travels and acquaintances, while Mildred, who has little experience, feels inadequate. Chapman flirts with Mildred, inviting her to breakfast alone, and later questions her about her friend Hazel. The chapter satirizes the pretensions and social climbing of the characters as they discuss their travels and relationships.
Chapter 128
I Can’t Breathe
A young woman, staying at an inn with her aunt and uncle while her parents are abroad, records her diary entries. She is engaged to Walter but finds herself attracted to Frank, a charming man she meets at the inn. After a ride with Frank, he proposes and she jokingly agrees, but he takes it seriously. She is now torn between Walter, Gordon (a former fiancé), and Frank, and is anxious about how to resolve the situation.
Chapter 129
The Jade Necklace
The narrator, a secretary/valet to L. N. Bauer of Colossal Films, recounts the studio's scheme to compete with Supreme Pictures by signing the handsome Irish actor Maurice Kavanaugh. After buying the rights to a story called 'Harridan' to spite Supreme, Bauer reworks it into a film titled 'The Jade Necklace,' set in Japan, and convinces the author to let them use his idea without his name. The chapter satirizes the film industry's obsession with looks, publicity, and beating rivals at any cost.
Chapter 130
The Story of a Wonder Man
This chapter presents the autobiographical narrative of Ring Lardner, detailing his early life, his rise as a writer, and his encounters with various figures in the world of sports and entertainment. It reflects on his career, his family, and the humorous and often ironic observations he makes about himself and others.
Chapter 131
I: The Birth of a Wonder Man
The chapter satirically recounts the birth of Ring Lardner in Niles, Michigan, in March 1885, blending historical events with absurd fictional details. It humorously describes the town's celebration, the flood of letters and telegrams, and the baby's first bath in alcohol, all while mocking the conventions of biography and the media's obsession with celebrity.
Chapter 132
II: The Boy Grew Older
The narrator abandons the third-person style due to confusion with his brothers also named Ring, and recounts his early childhood, including the family's crowded household, his first sweetheart Livid Taylor, and a disastrous attempt to attend the Inaugural Ball in Seattle, which they miss due to train delays.
Chapter 133
III: Young Man Goes West
The narrator recounts a whimsical journey from Duluth to Seattle, involving a Sealyham dog pulling sleds, the deaths of relatives from exposure, and a stop in Butte. Upon arriving in Seattle, he attends a ball where he meets Dolly Madison and dances with her, beginning a friendship. His family then leaves him in Seattle, where he spends the next seven years of his childhood.
Chapter 134
IV: Bright College Years
The narrator recounts his early life, from being alone in Seattle at age six to working as a squirrel-tender in San Francisco. He humorously describes his athletic prowess leading to offers from universities, and his plan to attend multiple colleges in one year. The chapter ends with his enlistment as a general during the Spanish-American War.
Chapter 135
V: How Spanish War Ended
The narrator satirizes the confusion surrounding the Spanish War, where even generals are kept in the dark about its location. The war ends with contradictory reports, leading to a rush of pension applicants. The narrator then recounts a humorous and physically awkward experience on an early sleeping car, where he meets Professor Ashley Snoot, a biology professor from the University of Chicago, and they have a confusing conversation about biology and prohibition before arriving in Washington.
Chapter 136
VI: How I Threw Big Party for Jane Austen
The narrator recounts hosting a party for Jane Austen, who is in America to discuss a film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. The party includes a visit to Texas Guinan's, where the narrator tries to pay with a bad check. He then takes Austen to meet Governor Al Smith, and she eventually goes to Hollywood. The chapter then shifts to a humorous history of transportation, including Robert Fulton's invention of the taxicab and the subsequent invention of the horse, with a story about a horse race at Saratoga.
Chapter 137
VII: New York's Noon Life
The chapter satirically recounts the invention of the subway in New York, describing its luxurious accommodations and the game 'Have You Heard This One?' played with straps. It then shifts to the narrator's duty of showing Lily Langtry around the city, focusing on her preference for observing the noon life of workers at sidewalk tables rather than visiting elite clubs. The chapter ends with a trip to Atlantic City, where a law against auctions leaves them with nothing to do but walk the boardwalk, leading to Langtry's pun about the 'Bored Walk.'
Chapter 138
VIII: Football Trick Uncorked
The narrator recounts his college entrance exams and his first football game as captain of Yale, where he uses a trick play to defeat Harvard.
Chapter 139
IX: Yale, Beaten by Blind Boys
The narrator, as Yale captain, resigns due to the misery of three players but is persuaded to stay after trading them to Dartmouth. The team wins two games but loses to several odd opponents, including the Weehawken School for the Blind, who use trickery. The narrator spends Christmas at the Grudge mansion, where he deals with the eccentric Bera Grudge and her tiger obsession.
Chapter 140
X: A Gay Christmas Eve
The narrator describes a lively Christmas Eve at the Grudges' home, where servants and family mingle democratically. The laundress Mrs. Stevens engages in witty banter, and the evening includes caroling, a baby's cry inspiring a song, and a charity mission on Christmas morning to a poor Italian family, where Mrs. Grudge plays a practical joke with a gull instead of a turkey. The chapter ends with the exchange of gifts and stockings.
Chapter 141
XI: How I Swam the Hudson
The narrator recounts his journey back to Yale after the holidays, which involves crossing the Hudson River. He receives misguided advice from a traffic policeman (later revealed to be A. D. Lasker, the future boat inventor) and a shoe lace vendor, leading him on a long walk to Troy. After learning from a farmer that 'Ford' means a wading place, he attempts to swim across the river, encouraged by Whiteman's orchestra. He then decides to enter Princeton instead, where he joins the hockey team. The team's season starts poorly due to a lack of a puck and ice, and they lose their first game by default.
Chapter 142
XII: I Transfer from Princeton to Medicine
After a hockey game fiasco, the narrator avoids being fired from the team due to being one of the only players with skates. He humorously recounts his academic misadventures at Princeton, including a confusing encounter with the Dean about registration and course selection, and his subsequent transfer to the University of Illinois to study medicine, where he completes the course in two months with a perfect exam score.
Chapter 143
My Medical Career
The narrator recounts his unconventional medical career, beginning with a scheme to run a filling station and restaurant on a highway while secretly practicing medicine. He then moves to Chicago, where he rents an office in a dangerous area and profits by holding shooting victims in a silo for rewards. Finally, he sets up a tent in Grant Park, performing tonsillectomies on lunchtime patrons. The chapter ends with his contemplation of marriage and a witty exchange with Dr. Flip.
Chapter 144
My 2 Big Inventions
This satirical chapter recounts the supposed inventions of 1899: the straw and the telephone. The straw, invented by Paul Whelton, was initially meant to help drowning bathers but found uses in weather forecasting and camel hunting. The telephone, with its single exchange and nickel-per-call system, is humorously described as a gamble, and the chapter ends with a joke about the dial telephone being rejected due to the motion picture industry's fear of learning the alphabet.
Chapter 145
XV: Sport Writer on The Rabies
In this chapter, the narrator recounts his early career as a sport writer for the tabloid newspaper The Rabies in 1900. He describes his eccentric boss, 'Oatmeal Haney' Thwack, who has an obsession with oatmeal, and his assignments, including a humorous interview with a young Bobby Jones and an interview with artist Neysa McMein. The chapter ends with the narrator being transferred to the city desk after exceeding the weight limit for the sporting department.
Chapter 146
XVI: Star Reporter for The Rabies
The narrator recounts his first assignment as a star reporter for The Rabies, covering the Helsh murder case. The story satirizes sensationalist journalism, featuring a drunken city editor, a bizarre murder investigation, and the tabloid's over-the-top coverage.
Chapter 147
Promoted to Contest Editor
The narrator is promoted to contest editor at The Rabies by Horace Greeley and Ben Hecht. He devises a guessing contest of famous men with missing letters, offering $50,000 in prizes. The contest attracts 500,000 entrants, boosting circulation from 126 to 500,126. However, the correct answers are intentionally obscure local figures, and no one guesses them correctly, so no prizes are awarded. The narrator ends up hospitalized from the strain.
Chapter 148
XVIII: Halloween in Polyandry Hospital
The narrator is examined by two diagnosticians, Dr. Pine and Dr. Gasp, who diagnose him with chronic alfalfa and send him to Polyandry Hospital. He is tattooed in three places, recovers, and stays for Halloween pranks, which include yelling 'Fire!' at a burn victim and sending inappropriate food to patients.
Chapter 149
XIX: A Soft Job
Following his release from the hospital, the narrator is advised by Dr. Pearson to leave journalism for a calmer profession. He becomes a ticket agent at Grand Central Station, where his imaginative and individualistic approach to the job leads to unconventional interactions with customers, including a widow he convinces to travel alone to Ardsley and a memorable encounter with Nora Bayes.
Chapter 150
Dan Boone's Joke
The narrator reflects on his playful youth, including a joke that ended his friendship with Daniel Boone, and his subsequent hobby of collecting autographs. He recounts humorous anecdotes of obtaining signatures from famous figures, and describes his trip to Philadelphia for the 1926 Dempsey-Tunney fight, commenting on the city's strict liquor laws and the fight's outcome.
Chapter 151
XXI: I First Marry in Central Park—Lapland Lady for Bride
The narrator recounts his first marriage to Hugga Much, a Laplander woman he meets at a weekend party. Despite her persistent advances, he eventually agrees to marry her. The wedding is held in Central Park, with unusual attendants and a chaotic celebration, including a judge inspecting the turf and a breakfast menu.
Chapter 152
On My Honeymoon
The narrator and his bride Hugga honeymoon in Philadelphia at the Sesquicentennial Exposition, then decide to invest in a small-town post office in Gluten, where they cleverly pivot to selling dog accessories, netting over a thousand dollars in their first year.
Chapter 153
XXIII: My Romance Blasted
The narrator defends himself against press misrepresentation regarding his divorce from his first wife, Hugga Much. He describes their life in Gluten, NY, where they ran a post office while profiting from dog supplies, leading to an investigation by Postmaster General Basil Paunch, who falls in love with Hugga. The narrator's divorce proceedings move to Chicago, where a massive influx of corespondents causes a housing crisis, resolved humorously by a newspaperman's suggestion.
Chapter 154
My Divorce Trial
The narrator recounts his divorce trial, which is presented as a farcical spectacle. The courtroom is packed with spectators and the twelve thousand co-respondents he named, who perform a musical number. The trial features a nonsensical testimony from a chambermaid about a hotel with only one room, numbered 502, which survived a fire. The judge rules in favor of the defendant, awarding her alimony and a lavish house, and the narrator ends his first marriage without ill will.
Chapter 155
XXV: Even Judge Ogle Smiled
The narrator recounts humorous exchanges from his trial, including witty repartee between his lawyer, Attorney Dumb, and the opposing counsel, Mr. Wheedle. Their banter, which included insults and a joke about suspenders, was so amusing that even Judge Ogle smiled. After the trial, the narrator returns to New York and attends a luncheon at the Plaza in honor of the Queen of Romania, where he observes her quirky behavior and listens to a story from Col. William Grenfall.
Chapter 156
I Revolutionize Theatre Business
The narrator concludes his memoirs, explaining his move to Great Neck, Long Island, with his second wife Emma Geezle. He recounts his innovative solution to the problem of scantily clad performers in musical comedies: requiring audiences to disrobe before entering theaters, which led to a decline in attendance and a compromise restoring clothing for both audiences and performers.
Chapter 157
XXVII: A Postmortem Message
The narrator describes the literary and theatrical community of Great Neck, including neighbors like Ed Streeter, Sam Hellman, Gene Buck, and H.B. Swope. He humorously recounts how neighbors would drop by for Sunday meals, leading his wife to post a sign. The chapter ends with the narrator going fishing, where an accident occurs.
Chapter 158
Sun Cured
Two New Yorkers, C. L. Walters and Ernie Fretts, meet on a train bound for Florida. Fretts, an insurance man from Brooklyn, recounts his recent month-long vacation in Miami, which he took on the advice of his efficient office manager, Miss Clancy. He describes his wild, alcohol-fueled escapades, including a scheme to replace two bottles of gin with water, and his eventual invitation to his girlfriend Bonnie Werner to join him. The story highlights his reckless lifestyle and the superficiality of his 'rest cure.'
Chapter 159
Hurry Kane
The narrator, a catcher, recounts the story of Hurry Kane, a naive young pitcher who joins the team and becomes the target of practical jokes. Despite his gullibility, Kane proves to be a talented pitcher, and the team's success hinges on keeping him happy. The narrator and the manager conspire to bring Kane's girlfriend, Minnie Olson, to New York to prevent him from leaving to see Evelyn Corey, a woman he is infatuated with. The team goes on a winning streak, and the chapter ends with them facing the White Sox in a crucial series.
Chapter 160
Now and Then
Irma writes letters to Esther from Nassau, detailing her honeymoon with Bob. She describes their idyllic activities, Bob's possessive and controlling behavior, and the gradual shift in his attitude as he becomes more interested in golf and other people, leaving Irma feeling neglected.
Chapter 161
The Spinning Wheel
The narrator, a roulette dealer, recounts the story of Jess Dorsey, a fellow dealer who falls for a beautiful young woman named Amy Bennett. Amy loses small amounts nightly but wins big when Jess picks her numbers, leading her to bring her 'brother' to the casino. The brother, revealed to be her husband, uses a system to win a large sum, and Jess is devastated when he realizes he was manipulated. The chapter also includes a story about a banker named Macomber who tries to use a doubling system at roulette and loses, accusing the casino of fleecing him.
Chapter 162
The Venomous Viper of the Volga
Promoter Luke Lewis and his press-agent Sandy King devise a plan to keep the public interested in heavyweight boxing after the new champion Beau Burton is booed. They decide to stage a series of elimination trials, culminating in a match between the winner and Burton. A Russian immigrant named Ivan Ivanovitch, dubbed the 'Venomous Viper of the Volga,' is brought in as a European sensation. Despite his lack of skill, he is carefully managed by Willie Troy and becomes a crowd favorite. He quickly disposes of Manuel Martinez, and the public goes 'Viper mad.' Lewis arranges for Fitzgerald and Moran to fight, with the winner to face the Viper in July, leading to a planned championship match against Burton.
Chapter 163
Man Not Overboard
Ben Brainard, a novelist, boards the Gargantua with plans to commit suicide at sea, driven by the rejection of his latest work and a broken heart. He meets Fred Lemp, a businessman who shares his own tragic life story, including the loss of his son and his wife's mental illness. After a night of heavy drinking, Brainard wakes up with no memory of the conversation, but the encounter and the presence of his friend Phil Runyon, the purser, begin to shift his perspective.
Chapter 164
Anniversary
On the ninth anniversary of her marriage, Mrs. Taylor reflects on her life with Louis, a solid but dull husband, while he reads statistics from the newspaper. Their conversation reveals the monotony and quiet disappointment of their marriage, contrasted with the more dramatic but troubled marriage of the Hammonds' friends, Grace and Ed, as recounted by Mrs. Hammond.
Chapter 165
Nora
In this chapter, Louie Brock, a producer of musical shows, introduces Mr. Hazlett to Jerry Morris and Frank Moon, a tunesmith and lyricist duo. Hazlett presents his straight play 'Nora' as a potential musical, but Morris and Moon are more interested in a quick synopsis than a full reading. Hazlett summarizes his story about an Irish immigrant uncle, Crowley, who schemes to marry his niece Nora to the son of a politician for business gain, but Nora defies him to marry the man she loves, John Collins. The producers then suggest numerous changes to fit their commercial needs, including changing the heroine to a Spanish girl to accommodate their star Enriqueta, and altering the plot to include a yacht scene, a stolen brooch, and a French villain. The chapter satirizes the commercial pressures and formulaic thinking of Broadway musical production.
Chapter 166
Liberty Hall
The narrator, Mrs. Ben Drake, recounts her husband's aversion to visiting others' homes, detailing disastrous trips to the Buckleys and the Craigs, and his scheme of sending himself fake telegrams to escape. She then describes their visit to the Thayers in Lansdowne, where the hostess's overbearing behavior and constant interference make the stay unbearable, leading to the end of their visiting days.
Chapter 167
There Are Smiles
The chapter introduces Ben Collins, a jovial traffic policeman at Fifth Avenue and Forty-sixth Street, known for his witty rebukes and good humor. His life changes when he stops a speeding Cadillac driven by a beautiful, impudent woman with an irresistible smile. Despite his initial sternness, he is charmed by her. She offers him a ride home, and during the drive, they engage in playful banter where Ben lies about his job to amuse her. They agree to meet again, and Ben finds himself looking forward to it, feeling a sense of joy he hasn't experienced before.
Chapter 168
Mr. Frisbie
The narrator, a chauffeur for the wealthy Mr. Frisbie, describes his dual role as caddy and confidant. After a reporter's visit, he decides to write an article about his employer's private life, focusing on his golf obsession and a family conflict over his daughter's suitors. The narrator devises a scheme to resolve the deadlock between Mr. Frisbie and his daughter Florence, who wishes to marry the poor but skilled golfer Craig, while her father prefers the wealthy but unathletic Junior Holt.
Chapter 169
Wedding Day
Ruth, substituting for her sick sister Alice, attends the wedding of musical comedy star Brownie Burt and comedian Jimmy Shane. The ceremony is brief and unconventional, followed by a gathering at Ben Seaton's apartment. The celebration includes cocktails, dancing, and a rambling, self-aggrandizing speech by the groom. Through conversation, the backstory of the marriage is revealed: Brownie, desperate not to lose Jimmy, threatened a breach-of-promise suit, and Jimmy called her bluff by agreeing to marry her. The chapter explores the strange dynamics of their union, the performative nature of their social circle, and the underlying tensions and cynicism that mark the occasion.
Chapter 170
Dinner
Harry Barton, a thirty-three-year-old bachelor, reluctantly agrees to fill in at a dinner party hosted by Grace Halpern. He is seated between two attractive out-of-town guests, Miss Rell and Miss Coakley. Miss Rell dominates the conversation with a stream of chatter about bridge, her flight with Lindbergh, her family, and her father's stock tips. Miss Coakley, in contrast, is unable to complete a single sentence, leaving Harry and the other guest, Dave Wallace, to navigate her fragmented thoughts. Harry, who dislikes dinner parties without bridge, endures the evening with a growing desire for a highball, finding the conversation both tedious and absurd.
Chapter 171
The Maysville Minstrel
Stephen Gale, a gas company bookkeeper in Maysville, struggles financially and writes poetry in secret. A traveling salesman, Charley Roberts, discovers his poem 'To Stella' and arranges for its publication in a New York newspaper column. The poem is published, and Stephen dreams of a new career as a poet.
Chapter 172
Ex Parte
A man, recently separated from his wife Florence, writes a letter to his friend Ed Osborne to tell his side of the story. He explains that he bought a new house from Jeff Cooper as a surprise for Florence, but she hated it because it was too new. In a fit of pique, he attempted to 'antique' the house and himself, which led to Florence leaving him. He then visits the Dwans, who live in a converted barn, and Florence is enamored with their 'Early American' style, which the narrator finds ridiculous.
Chapter 173
Old Folks' Christmas
Tom and Grace Carter, now financially successful, prepare an elaborate Christmas for their college-aged children, Ted and Caroline, who have adopted new names and modern attitudes. The children arrive late, prioritize social engagements over family traditions, and show little interest in the presents or the holiday. The parents, disappointed and hurt, struggle to maintain the festive spirit as their children's indifference becomes apparent. The chapter highlights the generational and cultural divide between the parents' nostalgic Christmas ideals and their children's modern, self-centered behavior.
Chapter 174
Contract
The Sheltons move to the suburb of Linden, where Mrs. Shelton hopes to make friends and play contract bridge. They are invited to a weekly bridge party by the Frenches. At the party, Shelton endures constant criticism of his play from the other guests, including Mrs. French, Mrs. Dittmar, and Cameron, who treat him as a novice. Despite his polite demeanor, Shelton is inwardly annoyed but maintains his composure for his wife's sake.
Chapter 175
Absentminded Beggar
The chapter introduces John Knowles, a dreamy and absentminded young man whose poetic nature clashes with practical demands. His sister Charlotte urges him to take a business job to support their ailing mother, but John is more captivated by Irene Comerford, whom he meets and falls for, leading to a confrontation with her jealous suitor Sam Drake.
Chapter 176
High-Rollers
Walter Finch accepts a higher-paying job, prompting his wife Marion to insist on renting a summer home in the affluent Hampton Dunes. Despite Walter's concerns about their financial disparity with their wealthy neighbors, they move. Marion becomes part of a high-stakes bridge foursome, accumulating significant debts. At a dinner party, Walter witnesses his wealthy friends Parker and Hart argue over enormous, long-standing gambling debts. Inspired, Walter devises a plan to wipe out his and Marion's debts and even come out ahead by making his own risky bets.
Chapter 177
Stop Me—If You’ve Heard This One
In 1927, young playwrights Jerry Blades and Luke Garner meet the famous globetrotter Henry Wild Osborne at the Lambs' Club. Osborne entertains them with tales of his adventures, including flying with Lindbergh, witnessing a gangland murder, and advising celebrities. He then recounts a mysterious train encounter involving a beautiful woman and a man who flees upon seeing her, a story that eerily mirrors an experience Luke Garner himself had on a train to Chicago. The chapter explores the allure of storytelling and the strange coincidences that shape our lives.
Chapter 178
Pity Is Akin—
Henry and Mrs. Spalding visit the Cozy Club, where they encounter Marian Moore, a performer with a woebegone appeal. After a night of drinking, Henry is later called to testify in a trial against the club, where Marian is accused of being drunk. She is acquitted, and Henry, feeling guilty and falling in love with her, seeks her out at The Snug to apologize.
Chapter 179
That Old Sweetheart of Mine
Stella Crane, a lonely New York housewife, receives a phone call from Will, an old flame from fifteen years ago. They arrange to meet for lunch and a matinee. During their meeting, Will reveals he still harbors feelings for her, while Stella is torn between her comfortable but dull marriage to Ralph and the romantic possibility Will represents. Their date is complicated by Will's drinking and violent tendencies, and Stella ultimately decides to go home alone, though the encounter leaves her questioning her choices.
Chapter 180
Great Blessings
The chapter opens with a presidential proclamation of Thanksgiving, then shifts to the Stewart family's Thanksgiving dinner. Clara and Tod host Tod's parents, Mother and Father Stewart, who are critical of Clara's parenting and Tod's unemployment. Tod reveals he lost his job, and the family dynamics are strained. The chapter also introduces Dave, a wealthy former suitor of Clara's, who contrasts with Tod's decline.
Chapter 181
Second-Act Curtain
The chapter follows playwrights Chambers and Booth as they struggle to write a second-act curtain for their play, which is trying out in Newark. After being repeatedly criticized for lacking a curtain, they decide to leave the theater and think independently. Booth returns to his hotel room, where he attempts to focus on the problem while dealing with distractions, including a neighbor across the court.
Chapter 182
Enter the Heroine
Booth, while waiting for food in his hotel room, attempts to write a letter but is hindered by a broken typewriter key. A chambermaid enters and engages in a brief, humorous conversation about sickness and marriage. After she leaves, Booth tries to read one of the room's books but finds the author's dialogue style grating.
Chapter 183
Inspiration from the Muse
Booth, seeking inspiration for his play, turns to various books and poems, but finds little help until he reads a sentimental poem about a mother and child. He considers visiting Chambers to discuss his second-act curtain, but instead takes more powders and eventually has an inspiration: the second act should end with a song, and he decides to call Chambers for approval.
Chapter 184
It's Got to Be Funny
Booth, a songwriter, is tasked with composing a comedic song for a show. He struggles with the pressure to make it 'damn funny' and reflects on the loneliness of a neighboring woman, imagining her solitary life in the city.
Chapter 185
Wasted Sympathy
Booth, a songwriter, is awakened by a call from Mr. Rose demanding a new second-act curtain. He struggles to create a song, but discovers it is a hymn he heard at a rehearsal. Frustrated, he observes a woman across the courtyard, assuming she is alone, but later sees a man with her, realizing she is married. He feels resentful and wastes his sympathy, ultimately failing to create the curtain and ending up in a drunken state.
Chapter 186
Detected!
Booth wakes to find his bottle emptied and a telephone cord around his neck, prompting him to call the operator and request a house detective. The detective arrives and suggests both the emptied bottle and the displaced receiver were the work of one man, advising Booth to go back to sleep while he investigates.
Chapter 187
Mamma
A woman, known only as 'Mamma,' is found on a crosstown car in New York City, unable to remember her name or address. She insists her husband 'Dad' will come for her, and she must get home to bake a cake. Taken to a hospital's psychopathic ward, she resists questioning, but eventually recalls the surname 'Carns.' A social worker investigates the name, leading to a potential identification.
Chapter 188
Words and Music
Hilda Harper, a stenographer, is infatuated with singer Roman Starr. She writes him a fan letter but receives no reply. After reading a flippant interview with Roman in the newspaper, she decides to pose as a reporter to meet him. She goes to the Royal theater's stage door and manages to arrange an interview at his apartment. The next day, she overhears a private conversation between Roman and a friend that shatters her illusions about him, leaving her disillusioned and desperate.
Chapter 189
Endnotes
This chapter consists of a series of humorous endnotes and editorial exchanges between the author and editor, playfully correcting and disputing each other's claims about historical facts, personal anecdotes, and the author's life story. The notes cover topics such as misquotations, the origin of songs, the author's wedding, and various absurd incidents, all delivered in a satirical and witty tone.

My Roomy

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

VIII

Sick ’Em

Horseshoes

Back to Baltimore

Phil and His 4d

Tour No. 2

I

II

Alibi Ike

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

Harmony

The Poor Simp

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

Where Do You Get That Noise?

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

Oh, You Bonehead!

Good for the Soul

I

II

III

IV

The Crook

Champion

A One-Man Team

The Facts

I

II

III

IV

V

Tour Y-10

The Holdout

Ball-a-Hole

Gas, Oil and Air

The Yellow Kid

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

VIII

The Last Night

The Clubby Roadster

A Chip of the Old Block

The Young Immigrunts

I: My Parents

II: Starting Gaily

III: Erie Lake

IV: Buffalo to Rochester 76.4

V: My Father’s Idear

VI: Syracuse to Hudson 183.2

VII: Hudson

VIII: Hudson to Yonkers 106.5