The Journal of a Disappointed Man · Chapter
Part II: In London explained
Barbellion documents his life in London, grappling with chronic ill-health, a sense of lost ambition, and intense self-absorption.
What happens
Barbellion documents his life in London, grappling with chronic ill-health, a sense of lost ambition, and intense self-absorption. He oscillates between bitter envy of others' happiness, moments of existential wonder, and a desperate drive to work before death. His encounters with friends and acquaintances reveal his cynicism and frustration, while his reflections on paleontology offer a brief escape. The chapter culminates in romantic longing and a failed attempt at intimacy.
Themes in this chapter
Mortality and the Brevity of Life
Barbellion's heart condition and fear of sudden death dominate his thoughts; he coquets with death and feels time fleeing.
Ambition and Disappointment
He laments his lost youthful genius and feels his career is slowing down; he envies others' success and struggles with insignificance.
Egotism and Self-Expression
Barbellion is deeply self-absorbed, analyzing his moods and desires; he writes letters to vent his rancours and feels frustrated by his own self-assertiveness.
The Natural World as Escape
Reading Sollas's 'Ancient Hunters' and contemplating paleontology provides a tonic, making his troubles seem insignificant.
Characters to notice
- Barbellion
Struggles with ill-health, self-doubt, and a sense of declining mental powers; reflects on his past ambition and current inertia.
- R⸺
Bursts in with a sardonic smile and asks about Barbellion's soul.
- H⸺ B⸺
Invites Barbellion to tea to meet his fiancée but fails to show up.
- D⸺
Mentioned as a potential victim of Barbellion's letter-writing.
- Mother
Not directly present but referenced in the context of past journal entries.
- The Doctor
Implied through references to medical consultations and heart condition.
Key passages
“The bare fact of existence paralyses me—holds my mind in mortmain. To be alive is so incredible that all I do is to lie still and merely breathe—like an infant on its back in a cot.”
The sheer wonder of being alive overwhelms me, leaving me motionless and breathless, like a baby lying in a crib.
Barbellion expresses a profound existential amazement that immobilizes him.
“I have coquetted with death for so long now, and endured such prodigious ill-health that my main idea when in a fair state of repair is to seize the passing moment and squeeze it dry.”
Having flirted with death and suffered so much illness, my priority when I feel well is to make the most of every moment.
His chronic ill-health drives a hedonistic urgency to live fully.
“Paleontology has its comfortable words too. I have revelled in my littleness and irresponsibility. It has relieved me of the harassing desire to live, I feel content to live dangerously, indifferent to my fate; I have discovered I am a fly, that we are all flies, that nothing matters.”
Studying ancient life has brought me comfort by making me feel small and free from the pressure to achieve; I now accept my insignificance and feel at peace with uncertainty.
Contemplating deep time offers Barbellion a release from his anxiety about legacy.
“At twenty-three, I am a different being. Surrounded by all the stimulating environment of scientific research, I am cold and disdainful. I keep up the old appearances but underneath it is quite different. I am a hypocrite.”
At twenty-three, I've changed completely. Despite being in a vibrant scientific setting, I feel detached and fake, maintaining a facade while my inner self is hollow.
He feels alienated from his former self and his current role.
