# Part II: In London explained — The Journal of a Disappointed Man > Chapter companion for The Journal of a Disappointed Man by W. N. P. Barbellion. ## What happens Barbellion documents his life in London, grappling with chronic ill-health, a sense of lost ambition, and intense self-absorption. He oscillates between bitter envy of others' happiness, moments of existential wonder, and a desperate drive to work before death. His encounters with friends and acquaintances reveal his cynicism and frustration, while his reflections on paleontology offer a brief escape. The chapter culminates in romantic longing and a failed attempt at intimacy. ## Themes in this chapter ### Mortality and the Brevity of Life Barbellion's heart condition and fear of sudden death dominate his thoughts; he coquets with death and feels time fleeing. ### Ambition and Disappointment He laments his lost youthful genius and feels his career is slowing down; he envies others' success and struggles with insignificance. ### Egotism and Self-Expression Barbellion is deeply self-absorbed, analyzing his moods and desires; he writes letters to vent his rancours and feels frustrated by his own self-assertiveness. ### The Natural World as Escape Reading Sollas's 'Ancient Hunters' and contemplating paleontology provides a tonic, making his troubles seem insignificant. ## Character check-ins ### Barbellion Struggles with ill-health, self-doubt, and a sense of declining mental powers; reflects on his past ambition and current inertia. ### R⸺ Bursts in with a sardonic smile and asks about Barbellion's soul. ### H⸺ B⸺ Invites Barbellion to tea to meet his fiancée but fails to show up. ### D⸺ Mentioned as a potential victim of Barbellion's letter-writing. ### Mother Not directly present but referenced in the context of past journal entries. ### The Doctor Implied through references to medical consultations and heart condition. ## Key lines > The bare fact of existence paralyses me—holds my mind in mortmain. To be alive is so incredible that all I do is to lie still and merely breathe—like an infant on its back in a cot. The sheer wonder of being alive overwhelms me, leaving me motionless and breathless, like a baby lying in a crib. _Barbellion expresses a profound existential amazement that immobilizes him._ > I have coquetted with death for so long now, and endured such prodigious ill-health that my main idea when in a fair state of repair is to seize the passing moment and squeeze it dry. Having flirted with death and suffered so much illness, my priority when I feel well is to make the most of every moment. _His chronic ill-health drives a hedonistic urgency to live fully._ > Paleontology has its comfortable words too. I have revelled in my littleness and irresponsibility. It has relieved me of the harassing desire to live, I feel content to live dangerously, indifferent to my fate; I have discovered I am a fly, that we are all flies, that nothing matters. Studying ancient life has brought me comfort by making me feel small and free from the pressure to achieve; I now accept my insignificance and feel at peace with uncertainty. _Contemplating deep time offers Barbellion a release from his anxiety about legacy._ > At twenty-three, I am a different being. Surrounded by all the stimulating environment of scientific research, I am cold and disdainful. I keep up the old appearances but underneath it is quite different. I am a hypocrite. At twenty-three, I've changed completely. Despite being in a vibrant scientific setting, I feel detached and fake, maintaining a facade while my inner self is hollow. _He feels alienated from his former self and his current role._ ## Links - HTML: https://www.betterreads.online/discover/the_journal_of_a_disappointed_man_se/chapters/part-ii-in-london - Book: https://www.betterreads.online/discover/the_journal_of_a_disappointed_man_se - All chapters: https://www.betterreads.online/discover/the_journal_of_a_disappointed_man_se/chapters